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What does she really wants? Confused...


sylverhart

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Hi ENA,

 

I have posted my breakup story here before. To summarize, my ex broke up with me in feb bacause she fell out of love. The breakup was peaceful and I have been going on NC since two days after the breakup.

 

Ok, the thing is, I send a text message to my ex after 30 days of NC because at that point I felt that I am completely over the break up and is ready to confidentally face my ex. She asked me why I contact her all of the sudden when I didn't do so for one month so I told her that I took the time to heal and reevaluate things. I made it clear that I wish to see her again for a casual 'catch-up' and its not going to be a dramatic confrontation, but she said she was not ready yet, maybe in the future and she insisted that she had no feelings for me anymore. Well the thing is at that moment even after her saying all that, I didn't really felt as hurt as how it was on the day we broke up. She also hinted that she 'might' be seeing someone now, which I know she was lying. then I told her that even if she really is meeting some potential new guy or already had a new bf, it wouldn't bother me because we are not together right now and I would be happy for her (I really meant it).

 

The next morning I talked to her through msn and she said that she actually kinda hate me for the first few weeks of the break up when I didn't do anything at all to try to save the 3 years relationship. She kept saying that if I had tried there might be a chance to change things. She said that my time had come and gone and there is really nothing I can do right now. I replied saying that even if we did get back together back then it would not last because it will be for old time sake and I wouldn't have learned the lesson (yes i am taking the blame of the break up). I also told her that how things are right now are for the best of both of us because if it comes a day when we fall for each other again, then we will be stronger. She also told me that she don't mind going for a one on one talk sometime next month so I told her that I will call her again next month.

 

My question is,

 

1) Knowing my ex she would not be ready to meet new guys anytime soon (and i have ppl telling me that she really isn't). But why did she tell me that she might be seeing someone? Does she want me to feel jealous or she just wants me to give up?

 

2) When she said she kinda hate me for not doing anything does that mean that she still loves me and wish I had done something instead? If so did she really mean it when she said that there is nothing I can do now? (She said the same thing when we broke up)

 

3) When she said she is not ready to meet up, how exactly does she wanna feel that she is ready? I mean she said she had no feelings for me anymore so what's stopping her for a casual meet up?

 

I am initiating contact right now because I want to make it clear to her that I want to get back with her but without pressuring her. However I do know how I feel right now and even if she said we will never be together i know I will be able to handle it well. Thanks for reading.

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The next morning I talked to her through msn and she said that she actually kinda hate me for the first few weeks of the break up when I didn't do anything at all to try to save the 3 years relationship. She kept saying that if I had tried there might be a chance to change things. She said that my time had come and gone and there is really nothing I can do right now

This is manipulative and very unkind nonsense. By saying this she is not only blaming you for the break-up but blaming you for accepting her decision. She is trying to have it both ways. If the relationship was salvageable she is as responsible for making an attempt as you are. She could have tried to sort things out without breaking up with you and if she wanted to try again after the break-up she is the one who should have contacted you.

 

People must learn to be accountable for their decisions and she is not doing that.

 

You did the right thing by going no contact - had you begged and pleaded she would no doubt have enjoyed humiliating you but the probability is that she would continued to reject you.

 

In most cases a relationship breaks down because both people are at fault - so don't let her con you into taking all the blame. And she has no business blaming you for not 'fighting' for her after she broke up with you - that is entirely on her head and she is responsible for the consequences of her decision.

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Denial is a river in Egypt! It is too bad that both of you are lying to yourselves and each other in order to put on this big "I don't care act". Obviously you both care and you are both simply trying to be in control. Her comments are BS as is your comment that you completely got over her in a month. Both of you clearly want to get back together but you are both doing this one-upmanship to prove otherwise. People do not get back together by pretending they don't care. People get back together by proper communication and working out the issues....but it takes two. It doesn't matter if you want to get back together...if she wants to spew out face-saving BS that you should have run after her even though SHE broke up with you and now you lost your chance..well, doesn't say very much about her maturity. She claims at break up that she fell out of love....and yet claims that you would have had a chance if you would have fought for the relationship after she broke up with you? What planet is she on? If she was peeved and fed up by any actions of yours during the relationship, she should have been very clear about what the issues were when she broke up...but just saying "I fell out of love", well, how can she expect anyone to fight for someone who claims they don't love them. Judging from her complete BS words I would suggest you think long and hard about taking all the blame in this break up....because it sounds to me like she herself has communication issues and has issues with honesty...she wants to play the bigshot to show how in control she is...yet all she is doing is lying.

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CAD - I am offended by you saying that I am trying to be in control. I felt that I lost control of the relationship and was trying my best not to develop more negative feelings for my ex after the breakup thats why I stayed NC not because I want to be in control. Yes she might have communication issue and honesty issue and that would be some of the things that we have to work out on. I do feel that she was immature in handling this breakup but no one is perfect. Also I didn't say that I was over her in a month. What I meant was that I am over the 'break up' i.e. I am ready to meet her confidently without being desperate.

 

I am really confused with how I should proceed right now and I would appreciate if there is anyone who would leave some advice... II am positive that I wish to get back with her and work things out.

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What I meant by control was not in the sense of controlling her...what I meant was both of you are trying to show how in control you are of the situation that you are both saying things about how you feel to cover up how you REALLY feel. You are not over the break up by a long shot...if you were really over the break up you would be angry at how she is treating you rather than trying to win her over. Instead of trying to read things into her words you would be saying to yourself "who needs this...she breaks up with me telling me she doesn't love me, when I call her she blames me saying that I didn't fight hard enough and now I lost my chance, she throws it in my face that she is seeing someone else which may or may not be true...why would I want to go back to someone who is lying to me and acting like the break up was all my fault". You also claim you would be happy for her if she found someone new....if you would really be happy for her you wouldn't be trying to get back together with her and trying to interpret all of her mixed up words. I know you want advice on how to get back together with her but the way I see it is that SHE herself needs to do some long, hard thinking and you running after her will just allow her to milk this for all its worth. What you are saying and doing I have seen over and over on this forum. By all means call her in a month...maybe by then she will have smartened up...or maybe she will give you the same run around she gave you now.

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I would tell her what has been said above, in as nice a way as possible. Tell ehr that you feel it's a shame that she would essentially break up with you as what seems like a test, and that communication would have been more effective. Tell her that you did not chase because you love her and respected her deicsion - chasing her would have been disrespectful. There's pletny of ways to spin a response back at her which firmly makes it clear she has to take responsibility for her actions, without it being a given that you didn't care.

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It is too bad that both of you are lying to yourselves and each other in order to put on this big "I don't care act". Obviously you both care and you are both simply trying to be in control. Her comments are BS as is your comment that you completely got over her in a month. Both of you clearly want to get back together but you are both doing this one-upmanship to prove otherwise.

Girl ... I think you nailed it.

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What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What...
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What To Do?

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