emptyjar Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 started cutting about 5 years ago, had alot of therapy, on medication, mostly stopped SI a couple years ago, etc etc. but tonight i want to. not just the usual tingling on my wrist urge that passes in a few minutes, the rarer calmer urge, i'm planning what to use, where to do it, etc. and i think i'm going to. i've relapsed before, about every 6 months or so. i'm okay with that, i know i'm getting stronger each time, and its all just in the long term process of ending all of this. not sure why i'm posting this. i don't need anyone to tell me not to, because ultimately, it doesn't really affect anything and it's my choice to act on it or not. i guess i just want to hear someone tell me it's okay. but i know it is, i think i'm being rational about this. i'm calm. just really stressed out and kind of feeling overwhelmed by feelings and reasons i can't totally identify. and i know this won't make anything better, probably make it worse. but just tonight i think i really do need it. like i said, i don't know why i'm posting this. i guess i just needed to say this to someone. Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I don't know much about cutting but while you were in therapy did they give you any exercises to do when the urge hits? Link to comment
sarey Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Hi there. I have been a self harmer since I was roughly seven, eight. I understand the feeling. You can tell between them. The feelings where you just want them to stop, to just stop screaming, and the ones where you just need to feel that addiction being seen to, to stop the urge, though it may not be strong, it is there; and you want it gone, the ones where you plan and you go through with it, feeling extremely relieved afterwards, there are many feelings out there, these are just a few, but I understand. It is good you are writing about this, perhaps, it is your choice, but maybe we could help you choose the right one; the one not to do this. You've gone a while now... why not one more minute, one more hour, one more day? I had a very extremely triggering urge yesterday, I held the razor in my hand, shaking, squeezing it, yet here I am, still roughly 3 months free. You can resist any urge, you just have to put your mind to it. Ask yourself this... What will harming yourself achieve? Just more urges to fight... stronger urges... ones that scream so loud you can't do anything but get deeper, and deeper into the addiction to shut them up... and soon... you'll be back to square one. You are not alone. Please PM me if you would like to. I'm here. Take care. Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 like i said, i don't know why i'm posting this. i guess i just needed to say this to someone. You know deep down why you made this post. You know deep down that you don't want to hurt yourself. You know deep down that it is not in your best long term interests to do so. You know what it is like to not do it. Only you understand yourself. You know it is not like, to do it these days. You have seen, experienced, and lived the results. You know you do not want to back step into actions you know are unhealthy for you. You would not be posting here if I were wrong on my above statements. Before you damn yourself, damn me if necessary. Link to comment
skarlet Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I've felt that slow, calm urge that gets stronger. My advice is, don't give in to it. Rather, do other relaxing stuff to relieve the stress... Running and running, Candle lights, hot baths, soothing music, tetris, watching a funny movie and laughing, chatting with people about your stress, praying. Or, get some other strong physical feeling. Like, putting ice on your face (or putting your hand in icy water and holding it there) dumping freezing water on your head, having sex, eating REALLY hot peppers, etc. That works too. Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 It's just hard right now. My roommate is in the room, wide awake and already kind of questioning if I'm okay. She's not anyone I can really talk to about this, so I just lied and said I'm okay, just stressed over my calculus exam tomorrow (which is true... but thats just the tip of the iceberg, not the cause but not helping. It's not the real problem). So I can't really get up and do anything. I already just went outside and smoked a cigarette and got some fresh air, but I don't feel to safe doing that, as it's almost 4am. So I'm just sitting at my computer trying to breathe. I don't know if faking being okay is helping or making it worse. I haven't done anything yet. Might later, might not. Not sure. "You've gone a while now... why not one more minute, one more hour, one more day?" I like this. Good point. Link to comment
girl friend Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Hey there, You ok hun? So straight to the point - did you cut? I know what you mean about those feelings. It will take ages to wait them out, and you won't feel the same calmness afterwards. But you are right, it is your decision. I'm not going to tell you not to do it. But i'm not going to tell you it is ok to do it too. Cutting is something you will stop when you are ready... not before. You need to ask yourself if you are ready now. If you are ready to go back to day 1. If you've managed 6months, thats terrific hun. Whats happened this week hun? something has triggered these feelings, why are you unhappy. if you can identify the feelings behind the urge and talk and work through them, the urge to cut will subside. I mean it. I'd guessed you were in a country where the time was not 8.50am but somewhere in the middle of the night. these urges tend to come at night. It sucks really. But if you wait them out... they rarely come back with the same intensity again. Its psychological. I think you are experiencing dissociation. This thread might help. pm me if you want hun. xxx Link to comment
sarey Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Maybe you should speak to your roommate? Does she know you self injure? Or you could just say "I'm not doing too well, could you watch a movie with me" or "Talk to me for a bit", try and distract yourself. I'm sure you will do fine in your exam, honestly. In exams, you need to remain calm and keep relaxed, if you are tense, it'll make you real anxious and that ain't any good at all. I figure you work best when you have a clear mind, so try and relax yourself. If you are finding it hard to hold on till tomorrow, hold on for the next hour, how's that? Then when you've made it through that hour... make it through the next... and the next... and soon... it'll be tomorrow. What a sense of achievement, hm? Fighting an urge like that... an addiction... and making it through... do yourself proud, fight. x Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 I purposely didn't bring anything I would normally cut with to college with me. I knew that would be just asking for trouble. I've relapsed twice here, both kind of extreme situations so I can forgive myself slightly. But I'm big on being careful of what I use. Never anything that's really germ-y, anything I don't want to "disrespect" if that makes any sense, anything I promised myself a long time ago I would never use (shaving razor is the only thing I have here on that list of stuff) so that's a big reason I'm resisting, I would have to figure out what to use. So that's helping me right now. calming down slightly. Link to comment
sarey Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Well done on not bringing anything to harm yourself with to college, that's amazing and it makes resisting a bit easier knowing you don't have the tools with you to use. I'm glad you are calming down, keep talking with us, we are here for you... Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You have 2 people already that have experience in this. Take advantage of talking with them thru PM. Think how proud you will be of yourself tomorrow if you make it thru tonight without cutting. You will be proving to yourself that you do indeed have the control. I wish you the best! Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Thanks. you guys are helping me somewhat. Roommate doesn't know anything about this side of me, and I'd prefer to keep it that way... Just got a room change a week ago because my old roommate knew about me and enjoyed sadistically to mess with my head to make my life a living hell. I know she's just a terrible person and the vast majority of people are not like that, but I just can't afford to risk that with the new girl, especially since I've only been with her for a week. She's still probably getting used to me, so I don't want to freak her out. The exam really isn't upsetting me much. I know I'll do okay, and that whether or not I feel better I can/have to finish studying. Having a goal to do that is a good thing too i suppose. Thanks. I haven't done anything so far. Link to comment
sarey Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Okay, I understand that. Still, if you can tell her you are not feeling very good and you could use a friend to keep you comforted and not alone, could you do that?... I wish you good luck for you exam, I know you'll do good, you seem confident, and yes, having a goal like that is excellent and very good for self esteem too! Well done, keep talking here, you're doing great! Keep it up! Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to take a break from this and work on studying for a bit. I'll get back on if things get bad again. But really. Thanks. Link to comment
sarey Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You're welcome. Keep fighting the good fight. Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to take a break from this and work on studying for a bit. I'll get back on if things get bad again. But really. Thanks. Good for you. You seem to have overcome yourself quite well. You make many of us on this board smile big time. Please know that good peeps are here for you, always. Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 I feel mostly better.... the magic of calculus lol. Afterwards I'll probably crash out and fall asleep instantly without anytime to think about things again, and then it will be tomorrow, a new day. But really. Thanks. Nice to know I have people on my side, even if it's strangers over the internet. But sometimes thats who can help the most. Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 the magic of calculus Not to be a hardball, you are going to appreciate that calc at some point. The teachers seem to fail horribly when informing you of that understanding in class. It does pay quite often though in real life, without you even really realizing it. You don't ever realize it though because you understand. It ultimately serves as common sense to you through your day 2 day experiences. Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 "Not to be a hardball, you are going to appreciate that calc at some point. The teachers seem to fail horribly when informing you of that understanding in class. It does pay quite often though in real life, without you even really realizing it." don't get me wrong, i enjoy math, and I know I'll need it in the rest of my college career and in future jobs (computer science major)... even considering tacking on a math minor lol just not necessarily the best thing to have to deal with when being already feeling bad. Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 just not necessarily the best thing to have to deal with when being already feeling bad. I hear you for sure but what else would you prefer at this point, maybe some EC classes like philosophy or women studies? Would that really be better for you at this point as a CS major? What do you want? Are you in the right field? Is there something else you are more passionate about? Something that sparks your interest more? I was original Electrical Engineer to start at UofA so I know how tough even the freshman level classes are in Engineering. I assume CS blows engineering away. I ended up turning in as an MIS major because I liked computers and people. Link to comment
girl friend Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 "Not to be a hardball, you are going to appreciate that calc at some point. The teachers seem to fail horribly when informing you of that understanding in class. It does pay quite often though in real life, without you even really realizing it." don't get me wrong, i enjoy math, and I know I'll need it in the rest of my college career and in future jobs (computer science major)... even considering tacking on a math minor lol just not necessarily the best thing to have to deal with when being already feeling bad. Why are you feeling bad hun? whats triggered all this? You're doing great ya know, keep that positive attitude up!!! Keep Smiling xxx Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 tonight was rough. well actually today. i ended up going home for the night after my classes (my house is only like 45 minutes away from my school). even though i have to get up and get back there in the morning, it's always comforting just to be able to relax at home, sleep in my own bed, see my pets, eat non-dining hall food, etc. i still was feeling pretty bad though. especially when i went to go to bed. i couldn't sleep, and for some reason ended up going through my box of old notes/letters/pictures/objects and stuff from the past couple years... bad idea. triggered a lot of memories and thoughts. i also ended up coming accross my box of my old cutting tools... i just sat there for a minute looking at them, and even had a razor just hovering over my skin.... but somehow i managed to just put it down, and put everything away. doing that felt really good. so overall, i'm doing decent. thanks checking up on me though Link to comment
girl friend Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Well done hun!! Thats half the battle waiting it out!!!!!!! (the other half comes from understanding those feelings and working through them consciously,..) and that is also tough. have you ever seen a counsellor/therapist? Link to comment
emptyjar Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 have you ever seen a counsellor/therapist? yes. i was in weekly therapy and group therapy for almost 4 years, ending this summer. it did wonders for me. i've gone back a couple times since then, just to check in, and i'm trying to make an appointment to come in sometime this week. Link to comment
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