rivercitystein Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 After reading a lot of posts about breaking up, it seems like most people jump to the conclusion that the person not posting on here is the bad guy in the relationship without ever hearing the other side of the story. My question is, Does someone always have to be the bad guy when a relationship ends? From my past relationships I can honestly say that mistakes where made on both sides. My ex husband had an affair. Sure in the beginning that was all I concentrated on..the affair, but after some time had past I took an honest look back on our marriage. Guess what, I made some pretty big mistakes too. No, I'm not excusing the affair, but we had problems before the affair started. Had we resolved them, he probably wouldn't have had an affair. I'm really surprised that some of the posts I've read pretty much state that the person who got "dumped" had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong with the relationship at all. It came as a complete surprise to them. Is that really possible? Just curious what you all think. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, I do think it's possible. Many people on here had partners who "fell out of love," or "wanted to find themselves" or weren't ready to get married, etc. etc. In my case, we had some problems in our own lives (I had recently been laid off and he was depressed because he was graduating from years in college with no job prospects in sight and didn't know where to begin). BUT even though we had our own issues, we were doing well in the relationship otherwise. Things had been going good during the holidays. It was probably our best Christmas ever. I thought we were still very much in love. He told me he was and I certainly knew I was. We still made love. There weren't signs until maybe a day or two. I had no clue he was going to break up though because we always said we'd discuss things. I'm not saying he's to blame completely. I know I could have handled things differently. I just wish he would have communicated with me more about his feeling not ready to be a husband. He said he was going to marry me and have kids. I think I have a right to be confused and upset. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 My ex husband had an affair. Sure in the beginning that was all I concentrated on..the affair, but after some time had past I took an honest look back on our marriage. Guess what, I made some pretty big mistakes too. No, I'm not excusing the affair, but we had problems before the affair started. Had we resolved them, he probably wouldn't have had an affair. I'm really surprised that some of the posts I've read pretty much state that the person who got "dumped" had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong with the relationship at all. It came as a complete surprise to them. Is that really possible? Just curious what you all think. Well, I think you answered your own question. I think a lot of people post here when the break-up is just going down, and the pain is raw and fresh. So, just like you, in the beginning all they can see is where the other person wronged them. I have seen some instances where posters come to the realization that they also made mistakes, but for some posters, once they work through that initial pain, they don't need ENA as much, so we don't see the other side of things where they talk about things they migth have done differently. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I voluntarily participated in unhealthy relationships. I did so until I became unhealthy myself. Eventually I became so uncomfortable that I stopped. Now I'm healing and ena is helping. I don't see the one-sidedness at all. Link to comment
Aliens Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Of course neither person in a relationship is perfect, but our goal isn't necessarily to give an objective critique of a poster's mistakes. A lot of people writing about breakups are vulnerable and simply looking for support and acceptance. People do terrible things, but they're still only human. We could point out their failures, or instead tell them it'll be OK--they aren't monsters. edit: Oh yeah... and your question! I don't think anyone necessarily has to be a bad guy, but both parties tend to contribute to the downfall. On the other hand, maybe it just can't be helped in some cases. Can either side really be blamed for falling out of love? Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I think that people on here come to vent. I also think (judging by my own emotions and stubbornness) that people may come here to tell "half" the story, so it seems the other is a "bad" person. I also believe that people come on here fresh from their emotional state wanting to seek answers for whatever incident may have occurred (as I do often). Which may leave them desperate to leave possibly, minimal detail as to how everything began and lead to the issue. Keep in mind that this site is devoted to everyone who needs help...whether it be something serious like healing or something as little as "how do I look cool my first day of high school?" I have noticed from reading that yes, the bad guy is usually the one not posting. OFFTOPIC-ISH!!!!!!!((((((Except, I don't know if anyone remembers the couple that had a spat on this site. If you and your SO post here regularly then have a dispute...be weary))))))) Link to comment
nem69 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Well in my case it was a surprise in that she had not indicated anything wrong. Right at the beginning we agreed to talk if there were problems as he ex husband never would. Link to comment
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