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piled on like a failed levee (or, today I'm dead)


CynicalGuitarist

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I feel like I'm already dead. I've grown tired of "having faith in myself" when the reality of the situation is that my "self" sucks. I'm a horrible person; I don't deserve life, or anything great. I don't even know how the hell I ended up feeling entitled to these things 'cause of my never-ending stream of supreme idiocy, stubbornness, bad luck, bad serendipity, manic depression, caffeine addictions, ADHD, masturbation addictions, and all.

 

I'm tired of money and never having enough. I can't even work stupid menial jobs or go to school because I can't force myself to pay attention to all that BS. I envy anyone that can. I went to college... for what? To financially put myself and my mother in the pit for learning things that I can't apply to the real world anyways? I worked stupid menial jobs and tried my hardest at them... for what? Only to be extorted for it later and have to pay more taxes for all the hours I work? I spend my days (and sometimes nights) filling out job applications and going to interviews... for what? For my mom to later tell me that I'm "not trying hard enough"? I'm getting aggravated with all the "Isn't life GRAND!?" crap... it's NOT grand and I wish I wasn't born in the first place.

 

I've decided to kill myself within 3 years... 4 if I have a good last year. I need to rid myself of this skin. I have no purpose for living; only to dream impossible things and hope for better days where I don't epic fail every god damned thing I work at or attempt. I'm a useless eater; a goyim as the Jews and 33rd degree Freemasons put it. All the bullies who pushed me around and my super-masculine male friends who use me as the butt of their jokes were right. At least they were honest with me; unlike the lot of psychiatrists and acquaintances and friends who try to sugar coat everything... a piece of crap is still a piece of crap even if you put powdered sugar on it.

 

I don't even know why I exist... probably just a cosmic accident. I was reincarnated into this form because of some heinous crime I committed in the past. The sad part is, I don't even know what that crime was, or how I can even begin to find out. My life is insignificant anyways... just one more name on a piece of paper called a birth certificate, just one more person out of the over 6 and a half billion people out there... what difference does my life even make? If I died tomorrow, just one less person and a few more resources. My life hasn't meant anything, and the only way I can live on is hammering my system with ADHD meds and xanax, spending a good chunk of time in College doing boring work that I'd have to PAY FOR, Spend the rest of time making up for the money I dumped into college by working a miserable, sterile office job or perhaps tedious, monotonous blue collar toiling, force myself to have sex with the next woman that "likes" me no matter if I'm not attracted to her, have kids and grow old... daydreaming of the days I had dreams of becoming a great singer and expressing my disdain of life through music... and trying to drown those pipe dreams outta my system with lots of alcohol... failing every time. I might as well BE dead.

 

I'm tired of calling help-lines and visiting psychiatrists only for them to admit to me that they can't help me or push medicine on me. I'm tired of trying pills that don't work. I'm tired of trying to hide these problems away acting like they don't exist when everything just gets worse.

 

The only things that make me happy are singing and anime. I like anime because at least when I watch it, I feel connected to others, even if the characters in the stories don't exist and never will. I get to see them fight valiantly, rule nations, do good for the planet, fall in love, discover new words, develop and grow... but really, I was only watching a show. However pathetic and miserable my own life might be, at least I can have the illusion of seeing others live out theirs. I want to be a singer more than anything else outta my useless life, but I get next to no encouragement, and because of my financial woes (I have to pay a buttload in taxes even though I only worked crappy menial jobs) I have no hope of being able to afford halfway-decent lessons. I try my best, but realize I'll never be anywhere close to a great singer... everyone just hates it and wants me to stop; even my own mother who encouraged me to do it as a kid when I hated singing now wants me to give up my dreams. Story of my life.

 

I wish there were a foolproof way to pull it off... I think about that kinda stuff when I have time... I've thought about attempting a drift on I5 south at 130 mph, slitting my throat, giving myself alcohol poisoning, huffing gasoline, eating pills, buying several E pills and taking them all at once, jumping off the overpass just before rush hour traffic, blowing my brains out with a 12 gauge... they all might be clever, but none foolproof.

 

I feel like now I can relate to Supertramp's "the Logical Song" now more than ever...

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Question #1: what's with the three-year time frame? What are you doing or expecting to do in the next 3 years?

 

I'm not going to reiterate all the stuff you have heard or read a hundred times over about why you shouldn't kill yourself. Some of it is true, and some of it is not. Do I think you should kill yourself? Clearly not. But not because I can promise you that everything is going to be ok, or that tomorrow, things will be better. There are very few guarantees in life--I'm sure I don't have to tell you that.

 

When I was reading your post, all you talked about was yourself. You have to pay for school? too bad. You can't find a career? Join ~15% of the American population. You had to play taxes? Welcome to the club. I wanted to be a singer when I grew up, but I also wanted to be an astronaut and win the lottery. If you know your chances are slim, you put your chips on a surer bet.

 

But here's a suggestion. All your endeavors have been centered around yourself. And while that IS the way that 89% of everyone in the world lives, it can be depressing. Why do you think even the richest, most beautiful, most successful people in the world off themselves? The truth of the matter is that most people live selfish, self-centered lives. If all you really care about is yourself (since that really IS all you care about, since you're thinking of doing yourself in without concern of your mother or anyone else who might feel the fallout from it), then this is the suggestion that I have for everyone who seriously wants to kill themselves: stop living for yourself. Live to help other people, even--and ESPECIALLY--if those people are strangers. Yes, life is hard. You're smart enough--I don't have to tell you that there are (quite literally) at least a billion people out there who have it far, far worse than you. I can't guarantee you that things will work out for the best. But I can guarantee you that tomorrow, thousands of human beings will be born into this world. If you can't make your life better, then try to make the world a better place for all the human beings who are arriving every day. Life is not about YOU. There are trillions and trillions of beings on the earth with which you share this existence.

 

I know it's difficult for an intelligent, self-centered cynic such as yourself to turn altruist overnight. But try to think of your life as a tool. Even if it's just for three years, I suggest you ask yourself: what can I contribute? what I can I do to help someone? 10 someones? A community?

 

Once you see you are actually DOING something worthwhile and helpful with your life, you may begin to feel better about yourself as a person.

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I'm expecting to watch as much anime as possible within 3 years or so and enjoy the good parts before hell comes back to me again.

 

If you think being a musician isn't helping the world or is "self centered", think about the late 60's-70's. Think about Pink Floyd and Radiohead and all the people out there who would've offed themselves if not for the fact that there's someone out there to relate to. Think about Hendrix and Lennon trying to spread their ideals of love and peace throughout the world. Think about (real) hip hop encouraging people to think in creative poetic ways. Sure, nowdays at least 90% of music sucks and is self centered, but you're calling me self-centered is rather pre-judgmental. You have no idea how much I've tried to help homeless, ill, stuck, basket-case people. Almost inevitably, I get nothing in return, too.

 

I've been thinking about ways I can give up my dream of singing... but my attachment to it is one most can't understand; it's like being in love. I know I have stage fright, and yes I know how ridiculous and pie-in-the-sky it really is and everyone says I should give up... but it's really something others just can't understand. If I bet my chips on a more stable life, would I really be happy? Looking in the background trying to drown the sorrows of living a life of quiet desperation... I personally wish I could be happy with being someone else stuck doing something they hate the rest of their lives, but that's what my parents did, and I'm remembering my dad in particular.

 

My dad got to move to Hawaii where he grew up, lived right next to the beach, heck even worked at home. He had beautiful weather anytime, could swim whenever he pleased, and was close to his family. Sounds great? The catch is, he spent all day inside on his computer and had to travel almost all the time to places where he couldn't enjoy the scenery and had to attend meetings and all. Seemed great on the surface, but was HE happy? HELL NOSE!! HELL NOES! He worked hard only for others to take advantage of him and make him take calls on his vacation, always complained to me how he hates traveling all the time, reminiscing how bad he had it in the past with his parents. He ended up telling me to never get an office job (which was odd 'cause he was the one who was pressuring me to do well in school) and told me how he wanted to run a guitar shop instead.

 

As for living for other people... does that REALLY make a difference? I'm not slamming charity, and the people who work hard for it... if one REALLY wants to do that with their life, then they should as long as it makes them happy. But living life only for other people out of a guilt trip will make you a servant to them... like my dad, who worked for non-profit housing and such. Sure, he helped a lot of people, and even did things for people he didn't even need to do, but they ended up only taking advantage of him and stressing him out. I know this from my own work... when I did something good for other people, they later extorted me for it; the hard work just won't be enough anymore. His job became his life... and it was sad when he died. Suicide is selfish, but then again, so is 99 percent of the things we do in life without our knowing it... eating meat, eating vegetables, swatting flies, using bug spray, dating the girl/boy a friend of yours is in love with, getting drunk and puking in a friend's car, walking on someone else's lawn etc. etc. Yes celebrities and other well-to-do people are self centered, and yes I used to hate them for it, but WHY do they do it? Because they CAN. The same reason people do what they do for the most part. Why draw a picture, why light a fire, why drink a beer, why landscape the yard? Because you CAN. It's funny how you're telling ME to get out of fantasy land when it's literally IMPOSSIBLE to help all the starving children out there in various countries. The world has an over-population problem as is... around 6.8 billion people out there and it's only 2009. Even if there's enough space, what about RESOURCES? This problem's only gonna get worse, and only China seems to have a somewhat decent solution; even though I don't AGREE with it, they kind of have the right idea. I'm gonna be doing the world a charity by taking away my life that I didn't want in the first place. I know nobody's gonna miss me, 'cause once I turned 18, all I am is a dollar sign, expected to reimburst the people that raised me. I've failed, and will continue to do so. Live life for god, others, work, a company... but NEVER think of ones-self! It's funny how people on this board slam guys and girls being "too obsessed" with someone of the opposite sex, but when it comes to slaving their own lives away for the sake of a boss, other people etc... THEN it's noble.

 

I'm tired of helping the very sheeple that want me beaten and robbed... and to mooch off of me later. The very same who want to drag me down to mediocrity and drown on a sinking ship with them. The ones who teased me for all kinds of reasons.

 

I'm gonna kill myself within 2 years now... I know the suck's just gonna come back sooner... and life's only gonna get worse. I just hope I stay dead, or at least don't re-incarnate into a human. I can only hope, I guess.

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Yes, life sucks for the most part. Yes, you spend a huge amount of your time working if you want to live comfortably. People are inherently selfish and terrible - most would be willing to exploit another person if there's some kind of gain involved. I don't agree with all the people who say "life gets better" and "life is wonderful" when it really isn't. However, despite the * * * * ty rolls we get in life we do have control over certain aspects. You sound like you've hit a low point, so congratulations and begin to relax. You see nothing really matters so just don't care about it. If you don't want to do something then don't do it.

 

And I see a lot of recommendations about doing charity work too. It's ironic that this is considered a "selfless" act, but I don't believe altruism exists. All actions are undertaken for the benefit of the self - not others. The underlying reason for going to work in soup kitchens or whatnot is to make yourself feel better and is no different to a shopkeeper who sells you food that you need. In one case you're exchanging money for physically nourishing goods, and in the other time (which is money) in exchange for emotional nourishment.

 

I say this generally, don't think focusing your attention on helping others will make you feel better. Spend your time and money on something that you will truly enjoy and that focuses the mind. And by that I mean something you're really fired up about. In your case it seems to be music and anime - stop caring about conforming to society's norms of having a family, office job etc. and do whatever you feel like that'll give you enjoyment. Anime's constantly being released: you won't kill yourself in 3 years time.

 

but when it comes to slaving their own lives away for the sake of a boss, other people etc... THEN it's noble.

 

Nothing noble about it, it's just that working for a wage tends to give you a better standard of living than social security. Seriously, no one lives their life for others, everyone lives selfishly and for their own happiness.

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Haha--CG, I said help SOMEONE, or a FEW someones. I didn't say "stop whining you ***** and save all the starving African children!"

 

Life sucks. Sorry you can't sing for a living. We're all living within the harsh reality of life--some realities harsher than others. You didn't claim that you were homeless or rock-bottom poor or hooked on drugs--so I'm going to assume that you have the basics. Food, water, a place to sleep. There are people who would kill to have just one of those. You say you're not self-centered, but all your problems originate in yourself. You love to sing, but you have stage fright. Why don't you work on that? So what if no one appreciates you? They didn't ask for you to be born and they probably won't care when you die--because you haven't DONE anything.

 

I'm telling you to DO something with your life. Whatever it is. Even if it's singing on the street corner to a bunch of people passing by. Stop wasting it feeling sorry for yourself. I don't think that life is all puppies and kittens and birthday cake. But I think that it's worth riding it out because you NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN. Who knows who you'll meet, what you'll do. Will there be crappy times? Of course. Will there be good time? Certainly. It's about chance. If you can't understand that, then there's really no point in waiting 2 years.

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I guess whenever SOMEONE talks about themself somewhat, that entails that they're "selfish" or "self-centered" just because they have problems with themselves and have the AUDACITY to express dissatisfaction with them in ways society doesn't seem to agree with. Like somehow, my problems should be easier to deal with just because someone else has it worse. Why not go up to a blind man and tell him "hey, at least you've got ears?" I've never actually seen someone's own life improve just because they're glad that the sun is shining and all 10 digits are functioning. Maybe that's the only reason why I exist; for all those jock types whose girlfriend left him to go "man, life sucks. I should kill myself" "well, it isn't so bad... look at that guy; he's never even HAD a girlfriend and is short and weak and has bad skin" "ahhh I guess you're right. I feel better already!" I'm also tired of people trying to make a competition over who has it the worst and why they have a right to complain when others don't... what difference does it make when everyone's still unhappy?

 

Maybe I'm looking at drugs all wrong; perhaps in these last 2 or however many years I should gorge myself on as many and as much drugs as possible and perhaps it'll give me the illusion that life is some big happy adventure. I mean, some of the only times I was truly happy, was when I was high off of pot... maybe that's telling me something about myself. Maybe if I get high enough off of LSD or mushrooms, I'll be under a stoned illusion that I'm living happily in Japan or I'm on stage singing for millions who are cheering away and want an encore. That's why some of my drug-addicted friends have it right; at least there's no delusions about what they do with themselves or what they look forward to. They don't try to make their lives seem so much more epic than they really are. They may be burnt out, yes, but delusional they aren't. Like almost everyday when I'm on the job hustle feeling like all the stoners out there aren't doing anything with themselves but getting high... while I'm still LOOKING for a job.

 

I'm tired of playing the "betting" game of life. People telling me to stay alive and place my bets on a pair of dice. If what I get sucks, "be a man" whatever the damn hell that's supposed to be and pretend like it doesn't hurt (which is what I do, but suppression only goes so far). If I get lucky once, then it'll likely all be gone by the 2nd roll. If I'm still unhappy, go cheer up the guy at the bar who just lost it all and give him 30 bucks so he can have dinner; only for him to later get in my face and tell me what I gave him wasn't enough.

 

Even my e-life sucks. I mean, considering how much I've posted and am only SILVER on this board is a blessing; I can't even escape my loser-dom on the internet. OH NOES! THERE GOES ANOTHER EGOTISTICAL SELF CENTERED RANTING QUALM ABOUT MYSELF! OH NOES! WHAT A THANKLESS PIECE OF CRAP I AM!

 

I'm just hoping they invent suicide pills within the next few years or so... quick, painless, guaranteed way to the afterlife. Too bad there's no fool-proof methods anywhere.

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I can relate to the perfectionism aspect of your way of looking at things. As with all things it has it's advantages and disadvantages. I suggest you make three columns on a sheet of paper and write down as many of your personal guidlines/beliefs/standards/etc that you can think of in the first column. In the second column next to each one write down whether you think that thought is serving you well or not, I suggest using the words "leads to happiness" and "leads to despair". In the third column write the opposite thought next to each despair entry and every time you think the old thought chose to think the new thought instead.

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