almost bumped right into him at the store!!! (agh)! (continuation, "i just did something heinous")..

[zestygirl]

so, after writing the heinous text, I went out with to a very trendy club saturday night. I wore a leopard print mini dress and black stilettos....yeah. I think I might've been craving a little attention after what happened on friday. well, i got it! the bouncer bought me a drink and gave me his number....not that it matters, but, he's gorgeous and is a commercial airline pilot by day...hmmm. wonder why i could care less....then again, maybe i just need to get my head rammed into the drywall to forget about my obsession for my ex for a little while....I'll have to think about that.

 

i have been vascillating between feeling satisfied, frightened, guilty, angry, and depressed about friday night. I've also been reflecting on what exactly made me snap so out of control....well, that much i've figured out.

 

it was the fact that last weekend when we spent 2 nights together, it was just - so full of LOVE for me. I was thinking, "i know he has a date with this other girl, but, i KNOW he must've felt that too. I KNOW I'll hear from him this week. that other girl is meaningless". Calling him on friday, i was expecting to hear SOMETHING in his voice. not "my new girlfriend is curled up just as snug as a bug on my couch. I can't talk right now". i snapped because i realized that he felt NOTHING about last weekend, and that he wants to be with her, not me. I realized it's over for him. Then - I realized - if it's over, why should I play along???? why should I be his buddy and keep our little secret from his girlfriend??? how could he do that to me?

 

I think he's been 'out of love' with me for a long time. That point really kills me...how could he not love me? Especially when i've loved him with all my heart? am I so awful?? I realize that he's been depressed, and using me as a source of support to get better. he always knew once he recovered, he'd be looking for someone worth his love (not me). he wanted to remain "friends" so that he could give his romantic heart to another girl, but be able to come to me when he was feeling suicidal - so he wouldn't have to disclose that to anyone new....also - he's been convincing himself that by remaining friends, he's not a "bad guy". In other words, even though he used my love and devotion as a tool to keep me within his control, he didn't REALLY use me, as proven by our intact friendship.

 

I'm ashamed to admit that a huge part of me can't wait for him to crash & try to come back - just so I can say "no" and truly demonstrate to him what he took for granted and cast aside (if I was even strong enough to say 'no' that is)...

 

as for his threats to ruin my life? well. he removed me from his facebook list today. oooh. also - one of his best friends sent me an email asking how i was doing....something i found extremely odd....i answered, but, i'm confused....

 

Also - I almost ran into him at the grocery store today. Just about died trying to turn and run out the front door, almost leveling an old man with an arm load of groceries in the process....thank GOD he didn't see me, I have no doubt I would definitely be running for my life then! He would at least chase me down and publicly scream me to death...if not try to do something worse. Stupid jerk.

 

How can you hate someone so much yet still be in love with them??!!

 

Do you think sleeping with that pilot might be a good decision as long as I made it clear that it's casual?

 

Should I talk to his buddy? (I'm wondering if his friend actually has a crush on me....or is part of the plan to "destroy my life")...sleeping with his best friend would DEFINITELY piss him off. So much, it'd almost be worth it...although I wouldn't do it.

 

I'm completely obsessed.

[caro33]

Do you think sleeping with that pilot might be a good decision as long as I made it clear that it's casual?

 

Should I talk to his buddy? (I'm wondering if his friend actually has a crush on me....or is part of the plan to "destroy my life")...sleeping with his best friend would DEFINITELY piss him off. So much, it'd almost be worth it...although I wouldn't do it.

 

No, and No! Not unless you really think this is a good idea for YOU, and you'll have no expectations of having further interaction with the ex.

 

I wonder if the bouncer is actually a pilot?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This kind of revenge f---ing doesn't hurt anybody but you. So you could sleep with an army of people, and he'll still be snuggling with his new girlfriend while telling everyone he knows he always knew you were a tramp and now you're proving it by sleeping with everyone you know... don't be that girl, have more self respect and recognize that kind of behavior just makes you look pathetic in his eyes.

 

I think the better thing to do is just avoid him entirely... quit going places where you know he'll hang out, and stay home for a while and pull yourself together.

[zestygirl]

i haven't had sex with anyone but him for 8 YEARS!!!! how the hell would having sex with ONE NEW PERSON make me a tramp by anyone's standards?

 

i'm 35 years old, after all. And I think I just answered my own question....I see nothing wrong with a little casual dating, so long as no one gets hurt, it will probably do a lot for my self esteem. it's not like i'm going to tell anyone about it...you guys don't count.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sleeping around will only make you look like a "skank", which I don't believe you are.

 

Walk away with your head held high, respect yourself to the max, and you'll defiinitely come out as the "winner."

[caro33]

i haven't had sex with anyone but him for 8 YEARS!!!! how the hell would having sex with ONE NEW PERSON make me a tramp by anyone's standards?

 

i'm 35 years old, after all. And I think I just answered my own question....I see nothing wrong with a little casual dating, so long as no one gets hurt, it will probably do a lot for my self esteem. it's not like i'm going to tell anyone about it...you guys don't count.

 

I think the skanky/trampy stuff is directed more to your motivation than your partner count, at least I think so. I think you sound really switched on and I think it would be a shame if you did something now that you might regret later. If you have sex with someone because you genuinely want to and you know it's just about you and that partner (no agenda about the ex, other than moving on) then all power to you. If you are doing it because you want to elicit a reaction out of someone else you will likely hurt yourself more.

[king6]

Its funny how some people think, Everything your considering doing is just going to make you look bad and feel worse. Your 35, get a hold of your self, stop obsessing.

[odile]

Do not sleep with the pilot, do not sleep with anyone, not for a good long while.

It's not fair to others, and it's not fair to you.

 

Right now you are still reeling from everything that's happened.

You are, in your own words "obsessed".

I don't think this is about love any longer... it's starting to sound more and more like it has to do with your ego

 

I think you're just going to have to accept that healing is going to be a bumpy, emotional ride.

It's scary going it alone, but it's what you need to do to regain your self-esteem.

Any attempts to try to find someone to heal you will only set the process back.

 

Only you can heal yourself.

[ratfreak]

If you show your ex that you couldn't care less about his new girlfriend - it will hurt him a lot more than any attempts to make him jelous.

 

If you feel you're ready to see other people, go for it but don't do it just to get back at him. Not only is it not fair to you but to the new person you'll be with.

 

I'd avoid all places your ex could be at and do NC asap.

[zestygirl]

I'm NOT considering it to

 

a) elicit a reaction or

b) make my ex jealous.

 

I'm considering it as a healthy moving on point. A way to say "I am beautiful and attractive, and I CAN be with other people and have fun".

 

My motivation is to move ON.

 

Although - if you're referring to his friend, where I said "it'd almost be worth it", I meant it. I would never do it - but picturing my ex's reaction is somewhat satisfying....

 

AND - if I could stop OBSESSING I wouldn't be here. I wish to christ I could scrub him out of my head like a virus. I wish I DIDN'T love him. I wish to God i didn't care, and more than ANYTHING I just wish i knew how to make the pain go away.

[odile]

I'm NOT considering it to

I'm considering it as a healthy moving on point. A way to say "I am beautiful and attractive, and I CAN be with other people and have fun".

 

My motivation is to move ON.

 

Honey, sleeping with other people is not how you build self-esteem.

Self esteem has to be built from within.

 

If you don't believe that you are beautiful and attractive, no amount of hearing it from one-night stands is going to change that.

Getting hit on by some dude might feed your ego for a bit, but the effects will be superficial, and short-lasting.

You'll probably find yourself hungrier than before.

 

If you really want to move on,

You need to find ways to make yourself whole again, on your own.

When you can walk tall and feel good about yourself, you will BE attractive, and your beauty will shine.

 

This is the only way that you will be able to stop being so dependent on others.

The only way that you will be able to attract and choose a healthy and deserving partner.

The only way that you will be able to break out of some of your self-destructive patterns.

 

C'mon, you owe it to yourself.

[king6]

I'm considering it as a healthy moving on point. A way to say "I am beautiful and attractive, and I CAN be with other people and have fun".

Sleeping with some random person you just met will just make you feel "cheap, Easy, maybe even disgusting". Thats just my point of view if you havent had anyone else in 8yrs. Many men will have sex with any women that makes there self available for it. I know guys that soley go out to bars and lie their ass of all night, just to bring a girl home for a nighter.

If you want to feel attractive and wanted, just accept the attention and complitments.

[zestygirl]

i'm surely not going to yank a shimmery sense of self worth out of the black hole that is my soul right now....I just spent 8 years being manipulated and emotionally abused by a mental patient.....

 

while sleeping with someone is not going to grant me any character improvments, it won't detract from my character either. I already know I'm a woman of integrity. having sex would not change my opinion of myself.

 

Also- I NEVER said anythig about a one night stand. I meant that I could get involved with someone (like the person I met at the club), but make it clear that the relationship was CASUAL and that I am looking to be friends with someone only....and not get into a serious relationship right now. A friend would be a welcome addition. especially one to cuddle naked with occasionally....

 

the LAST thing I want to do is spend my nights alone thinking about what he's doing...i think stabbing my own eyes out with a fork would be more fun then THAT....

[odile]

while sleeping with someone is not going to grant me any character improvments, it won't detract from my character either. I already know I'm a woman of integrity. having sex would not change my opinion of myself.

(...)

Also- I NEVER said anythig about a one night stand. I meant that I could get involved with someone (like the person I met at the club), but make it clear that the relationship was CASUAL and that I am looking to be friends with someone only....and not get into a serious relationship right now. A friend would be a welcome addition. especially one to cuddle naked with occasionally....

(...)

the LAST thing I want to do is spend my nights alone thinking about what he's doing...

 

So you don't think that relying (once again) on the opinion and affection of others to determine your self worth is setting you up for disappointment?

 

Friends=Friends, and the good, solid kind of friends that you need right now are probably not the kind you're going to find via a "casual relationship".

 

If you want to snuggle (I know how hard it is to lose someone, btw) snuggle with pillows, or a sibling, or get a dog.

 

There are ways of enjoying affection without it having to be sexual.

 

And if you want to get your rocks off, buy yourself a vibrator, or find some ways to make yourself feel good.

 

Honestly, you really need to stop relying on these other people, because all you'll be doing is replacing one addiction for another.

 

What you need is some cold turkey and relationship-addict-rehab.

[caro33]

No one knows how you feel except you, but I'll bet the way you feel has a great deal in common with what many of us have felt. You are going to feel bad for a while, there's no escaping it. Eight years is eight years, it's going to take some getting over. But it will pass.

 

Thinking about what you are saying it made me go back to a few years ago when I was lonely and seeing someone "casually". I remember enjoying the ego rush of being wanted etc and getting excited about getting pretty and going out. But the aftermath was a crushing comedown. When we parted each time and I returned to my empty house I felt totally alone and without a friend in the world. I felt hollow. I look back on that and can see why I kept pursuing the relationship: I was trying to replace the hollow, alone feeling with more of the "yay I feel pretty and I'm going out" feeling. But it's a self-perpetuating cycle.

 

It was only when I was not doing that kind of thing that I could accept and be happy with being alone. It was anti-intuitive.

 

Anyway, you have your experience and I have mine. I was also out of a very long term relationship, but had had a while since it ended (a year and a half or so). Thing is, I am wired for a serious relationship, which I found out, to my chagrin, only once I had commenced the whole 'casual' thing and was sucked into it.

 

Think about what you really want, who you are, and how you'll feel the next day(s) in that casual relationship. If you are wired to stick it out in a long term deal you may not be cut out for this, but you can also suck it and see, so to speak.

[caro33]

I still wonder if your bouncer is a pilot by the way.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It's obvious you're really really angry and upset now... so you think the answer is revenge being in the 'i'll show him' stage.

 

People are trying to warn you that if it is rage and hurt fueling you, sleeping with random guys will more likely make you feel worse rather than better. You sleep with one thinking you'll show your ex, but most likely while doing it (or after) you will start thinking, yuck, i don't know this guy, he's nothing like my ex, why can't i have my ex, i want my ex not this guy, etc. etc. So if you're not over your ex, you start comparing it to your ex and the experience rarely stacks up to having sex with someone you love so it makes you feel worse.

 

The thing you need to do is experience the full range of feelings. Admit to yourself you're angry and devastated, rather than trying to prove you're not. Feelings dissipate when you acknowledge and experience them, not run away from them or subvert them into something self harming like sleeping with random guys to 'prove' something. you'd don't need to prove anything, you need to grieve, then heal.

 

So to get rid of your pain, talk to your friends, cry, distract yourself. You will be ready to date again, but immediately after a breakup, your judgment isn't good and it's likely to make you feel worse than better if you do a bunch of rash things just because you're angry and upset.

[chocolates]

im reading about myself here......

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, i agree with Caro. Why would someone with a good career like being a pilot also work as a bouncer? He wouldn't need the money, and certainly wouldn't risk physical injuries bouncers might get that would interfere with his ability to fly.

 

it's probably just a line this guy gives women to make himeself look more attractive/interesting.