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What would you think about this?


titanfan88

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Alright, so it's a rather long story, but I'm going to try and condense it down as much as possible. Basically, I met a guy a year and a half ago. We became good friends, and March of last year, we started dating (both of us are college students). It lasted two months before we simply decided to part ways because neither of us really knew what it meant to be in a relationship. Still we remained good friends, and talked several times of trying things again, but due to our schedules, we weren't really able to, but have been hanging out with each other. A few weeks ago, I decided to give us both space, as we never went NC before and I felt we needed a break. So we didn't talk or see each other as often as before. He still contacted me quite a bit, though. I used this time to think about a lot of different things, and finally reached the conclusion that I was ready to attempt getting back together, which is something I know he's been waiting on for months. I had planned on telling him this past Friday. Before I could tell him in person, though, I found out through a friend of his (who I work with) that he was going out on a blind date Friday. This friend didn't actually tell me, but I overheard her talking about it. Needless to say, I was both shocked and a bit pissed off. He's been saying for months that he really wants to work things out between us, and yet he's going out on blind dates? Something about that doesn't seem right to me, as he's never been the sort of guy to date multiple women at once (and it's never anything I would want to be apart of). Before he went out on this "date" I sent him a message through Myspace telling him I wanted to get together and talk things out, and he agreed to it. I'm pretty sure he still went on the date despite knowing my feelings, which really upsets me.

 

So, a few questions for everyone here:

 

1) Should I really be upset about him going out on a blind date when we've wanted to work things out? Is it something that should cause me to not be able to trust him anymore?

 

2) When I speak to him again, should I bring up this date to him? He doesn't know that I know about it.

 

3) What do you think his intentions are? Do you really think he's serious about wanting to get back together, or is he just messing around with me?

 

Thanks

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1) I don't think so. You guys weren't together at all, and it seems like HE made it clear he wanted to work things out, but did you? How do you think things looked from his perspective? Why couldn't you trust him because of this?

 

2) You could, but definitely keep it casual. Just tell him you heard he went on a date from your friend and ask how it went. But whatever you do, DON'T act jealous about it and interrogate him. It might be best to not bring it up at all, especially if you are jealous about it.

 

3) Depends. How sure are you that he was sincere when he's said the past several months that he wants to work stuff out? Maybe you waited too long and he's moved on, hard to say.

 

Out of curiosity, why did you decide to go NC and think you needed a break if you guys were just casually hanging out?

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1) I don't think so. You guys weren't together at all, and it seems like HE made it clear he wanted to work things out, but did you? How do you think things looked from his perspective? Why couldn't you trust him because of this?

 

I'm not sure if it's an insecurity on my part, or just wondering what sort of guy he is. Maybe I'm overreacting and thinking that, if he's going out on these dates now, he'll keep doing it even when/if we're back together. Which I completely would not be cool with.

And, yeah, I did make it clear I wanted to work things out, but that I needed time. The way he handled us breaking up before was rather immature--instead of telling me there was a problem, he just acted cold and distant for a week or two before laying it all on me. I was hurt by that.

 

3) Depends. How sure are you that he was sincere when he's said the past several months that he wants to work stuff out? Maybe you waited too long and he's moved on, hard to say.

 

That's what I'm wondering. And if he has, I wish he would just tell me and give me that closure.

 

Out of curiosity, why did you decide to go NC and think you needed a break if you guys were just casually hanging out?

 

To be honest, I needed a complete break from him--talking to him, seeing him etc. I needed to sort through some things that have been going on in my life. I really needed to re-evaluate things and whether or not I really wanted to pursue a relationship with him. So I took the break and kept a bit of distance between us. I needed it and I felt like he did as well.

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I'm not sure if it's an insecurity on my part, or just wondering what sort of guy he is. Maybe I'm overreacting and thinking that, if he's going out on these dates now, he'll keep doing it even when/if we're back together. Which I completely would not be cool with.

 

I understand that ya'll may have talked about working things out after the break, but you weren't together at the time he went on the date, and maybe he just thought it wasn't going to work out with you so he did what anyone in that situation would do -- he started to move on. You certainly shouldn't be pissed about it seeing as it's not cheating if ya'll are not together, and it also doesn't mean he would be unfaithful to you if you were together.

 

So, if you want him back you have to start talking to him again and let him know how you feel. That is, without seeming overly eager or desperate. (There are some good tips in various posts on this forum that can help with how to behave when trying to talk to an ex.) Otherwise he's just going to assume that you only want him back because he's talking to other girls and continue moving in that direction. It's still very early in the game so now is the time to reopen communications if you want to reconcile.

 

It may also be wise to reconsider how you feel and why you went NC. It's possible that what you're feeling is just jealousy and a bit of rejection from him dating another girl. Not that I'm suggesting you don't really have feelings for him but just something to think about.

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So, if you want him back you have to start talking to him again and let him know how you feel. That is, without seeming overly eager or desperate. (There are some good tips in various posts on this forum that can help with how to behave when trying to talk to an ex.) Otherwise he's just going to assume that you only want him back because he's talking to other girls and continue moving in that direction. It's still very early in the game so now is the time to reopen communications if you want to reconcile.

 

I did that. I had been wanting to tell him that before I even found out about the date. Him going out on the date did not make me want him back. In fact, it made me not want to get back with him more than anything.

 

It may also be wise to reconsider how you feel and why you went NC. It's possible that what you're feeling is just jealousy and a bit of rejection from him dating another girl. Not that I'm suggesting you don't really have feelings for him but just something to think about.

 

I went NC because of all the things I have going on in my life (school, an upcoming move to a higher position at my job, not to mention being sick for a couple of weeks with dry socket). I decided I did not want to keep him waiting anymore, so I took a step back to figure out if I wanted to reconcile with him. I figured out earlier this week that I did, and had planned on telling him the next time I saw him. Lo and behold, I found out before I could tell him that he was going on a date with someone else (that his friends, I assume, set him up with). So I decided to just tell him via email rather than wait. I thought he should know. He responded back saying he did want to get together and talk. My wanting to reconcile has nothing to do with jealousy or rejection--I really do like him. In so many ways, we're completely right for each other.

 

No need to be angry with him. He has simply clarified for you that you can't have it both ways.

 

OK, so my question is, given the fact that we've been friends for quite a while (and close friends before we even dated), why couldn't he just come out and say this? Just tell me "I've decided to move on and date others." If he had done that, no problem. I'd accept it and move on. But the fact that he told me not even two weeks ago that he wanted to make this work (and I told him the same), and then goes out on a date, and then pretends as if everything is normal between us, well, that's a bit unnerving.

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Ok, so it might have been said before but I really didnt examine all the posts.

 

1) Dont beat yourself up over it. remember, you and him arent really "dating". If both of you are in college he may be just seeing whats out there. Its a hard fact of life, but its true.

 

2) I wouldnt bring it up. Guys can get a little uncomfortable about conversations like that. Let him bring it up. Remember, it was just a blind date.

 

3) He could have a few different intentions. He knows that things with you arent serious at this point and like I said before, he may be playing the field. Maybe the blind date came up before you told him you wanted to talk about where you two were going and he didnt feel like breaking it.

 

Unfortunately in relationships, many things are possible. I have found this out the hard way. I do think it was said before but I will reitterate. Put yourself in his shoes.

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I definitely understand wanting to move forward, but honestly, if I were in his shoes, I would at least tell the other person that I'm going to move on, rather than having them find out through a blabbermouth friend. Especially considering the friendship I "thought" we developed over the months.

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Nevermind. I'm a lot more perceptive than I give myself credit for. I was right--he did want to end it. It's funny how he can go from being so willing to try things again to so willing to let it go. I guess that proves the point that he just didn't feel too strongly about it. It hurts, but I'm glad in a way because it means a fresh start. Thanks for all of your advice, though.

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If you don't want to pursue the relationship then by all means don't. Personally, I think you are overreacting, but that is just my opinion and it really doesn't matter. All that matters is your opinion.

 

Yeah, I know in the future, I won't overreact, but in this case, he decided to move on, so it's not really my choice. I'm actually OK with it.

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