Sending an email to express yourself

[WizardofOz]

Over the past week or so I have made several posts regarding my relationship. I apologize for posting so frequently but I have no one else to talk to about this and I am really needing some advice right now.

 

If you haven't read my past posts, here is a brief explanation of what is going on: My girlfriend has been hot and cold with me. Recently, she has canceled several of our dates, some with legitimate reasons, others not. Sometimes she will make plans and then when the day comes not want to do anything. I had a brief talk with her about things on Thursday afternoon and she apologized for how things have been. She admitted that she had been mean to me and provided a reason for her behaviour, but I don't want to discuss it here. I felt like things were normal with her that day and we left on good terms. Then this weekend things have resorted back to old. I haven't seen her and when talking to her on the phone she has sounded extremely uninterested; she responds with quick answers and didn't ask me about my weekend or contribute to the conversation.

 

In addition, the last month or so has been very difficult for me with things going on with my family and motivation at school. I've been wanting to talk about these things with her and open up but have felt that I can't. It bothers me that I can't have these talks with her yet but I don't feel comfortable opening up when I feel she isn't interested in listening to me. I have remained extremely patient with her throughout all of this and haven't expressed any anger whatsoever. Maybe I am being a pushover by not speaking up about being mistreated but that is just my personality.

 

Now, here is what I am wondering: Should I send her an email discussing things and asking her what is going on? Normally, I would be against this because I feel like it is an immature way of talking about things. I am only now considering it because: 1) I can't really talk to her about it over the phone, and 2) I need to get things off my chest and I don't know when I will see her next.

 

Is this a smart thing to do or do I risk completely ruining things? I understand it appears as if I have nothing to lose but if she is hiding something from me that is affecting her behaviour, I don't want to further hurt things by pressing the issue. My other alternative is to wait for her to call and talk about things or be interested in seeing me again.

 

I still really like her and remain hopeful that things will return to how they were earlier in our relationship. That is why I am looking out for things and want to make the best choice here.

 

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.

[_Asti_]

I still use emails to communicate large issues to my partner, even after being together 5 years.

Sometimes I cannot verbalize myself, sometimes it takes a while for the words to come or to get my point accross clear. And for him, reading it makes him take it in and he can go over it several times.

Emails work wonders for us, it gets the dialogue going, and makes it easier to bring the issue forward in person once all the important things have been laid out, clearly and uninterupted.

 

Its worked for us, very well. And to this day he still says "Shoot me an email..." and I will take a few hours to write my feelings down and get what I need off my chest, and then he may respond to it, or we may discuss it in person..but it helps me get the initial issue off my chest and it helps him read and take it in.

[anggrace]

I don't think writing someone a letter, or sending an email, is immature. For me, sometimes I feel I can express myself better that way. Especially if I've tried doing it vocally and felt dissatisfied. If your expressing yourself ruins things (which you mentioned youre afraid of) than that really shows how much she cares and Id say your better off without her. You really should be able to have intimate conversations with the one you love.

[Casey13]

If this is a fresh relationship then I would consider finding someone that will treat you better especially if you havent invested much into this person yet emotionally and otherwise. I think sending the email is a good idea because it will probably gauge a more sincere answer from her on what is going on because she wont be on the spot about explaining herself to you and because it will be easier done than face to face. It will probably be easier for her to get things off her chest through email so I say go for it. If you dont get the response youre looking for I would suggest leaving the relationship, there are people out there that will treat you right you just have to find what youre looking for

[COtuner]

Emails are all we use - defuses the instant reactions. Of course you have to really be careful about how you phrase things.... my guy will go completely BALLISTIC because of one poorly phrased sentence and totally miss the point.

[pinkrobot]

First off, don't worry about how much you're posting! When I have something really nagging at me, I post as many threads as it takes to get the perspectives and advice I need to help me feel better. And we're all here to help each other, right?

 

But I've done this before to talk about serious things with people who are close to me, because it also allows for you to take the time to say everything you want to say exactly as you want to say it. It forces you to "think before you speak," basically. So I say absolutely go for it.

[WizardofOz]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I've talked to a few of my female friends and they have all said that sending an email to discuss these types of topics isn't recommended. They said it may come as being immature and the recipient may misinterpret what is being said. Now I'm even more unsure about the whole email idea.

[rivercitystein]

Instead of email, how about writing her an actual letter?

[WizardofOz]

Instead of email, how about writing her an actual letter?

 

That wouldn't be being myself. I would send an email before writing a letter, especially since we haven't been seeing each other for all that long.

[WizardofOz]

So I sent the email yesterday. She called me shortly after I sent it but I didn't take the call as I wanted to allow some time to pass before we discussed things. I plan to talk with her tonight.

 

Do you guys think it is a good sign that she called right away? I know it's hard to tell, I just want to have some sort of idea what to expect when we talk tonight.

[waveseer]

So I sent the email yesterday. She called me shortly after I sent it but I didn't take the call as I wanted to allow some time to pass before we discussed things. I plan to talk with her tonight.

 

Do you guys think it is a good sign that she called right away? I know it's hard to tell, I just want to have some sort of idea what to expect when we talk tonight.

 

Do you realize that from her perspective it looks like you're avoiding her? Why don't you let her know you're busy and would like to talk with her later today.

[WizardofOz]

Do you realize that from her perspective it looks like you're avoiding her? Why don't you let her know you're busy and would like to talk with her later today.

 

In retrospect I should have taken the call. I just wanted to make sure she had some time to think about what I said and not just call to apologize and be back at square one.

 

Do you think the fact that she called me immediately is a positive sign?

[waveseer]

In retrospect I should have taken the call. I just wanted to make sure she had some time to think about what I said and not just call to apologize and be back at square one.

 

Do you think the fact that she called me immediately is a positive sign?

 

I have no idea. What I do know is that it showed that she wasn't avoiding you but your lack of response may lead her to believe that you aren't showing her the same curtesy.