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Marriage 911


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I am 46. My husband and I have been together for almost 30 years. We have 5 children. My husband is mid-life-ing, and it's getting worse.


Our last son was born in 2002. He was a surprise...but a welcome one. My husband started detaching from us after my son was born. He used to be so close to his family- now he hardly speaks to them. We used to have all the big family events- Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, etc at our house- but after my mom passed in 2005- we rarely get together anymore. HIS family said that they have noticed that he doesn't greet them- no hugs- kisses on the cheek, etc. At holiday's he dozes in his chair, gets up without saying goodbye- and goes upstairs to bed. Relatives have come in from out of town- he ignores them. What's going on?


At home it's worse! He doesn't have anything to do with the day to day of the house. No feeding pets, helping with dinner or the kids- no homework or bathing- all he does is sit in his office on the computer or practicing music. Music, music, music. He is in a church choir, a jazz band, a specialty choir, a dance band, teaches music lessons and sings with the symphony and special events. 5 out of 7 days he is busy with his Music. It is not his career. He never really decided what to do- bounced between jobs...so many career changes. It was hard for me too- never knowing what/how to support him between the changes. He was laid off from his last job in November- and has been driving school buses to help- but it's not enough...we lost one car, and now we are loosing our home to foreclosure, and our other car because we can't pay the bills....and he keeps telling me that "this is what he wants to do": music.

He has driven a wedge between our oldest son and himself- and now it is happening to our 13 year old. My husband is always yelling at him- calling him stupid....when I try to pull him back he snaps: "how come it's never ok for me to be mad?" He's mad all the time. He NEVER spends time with me or the kids- unless it has to do with music.


I love my husband- and want to save my marriage....please help!

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Is he dealing with depression issues. Sounds like he has checked out of life in general and just wants to live in his own little world. Given your financial situation that could be making his issues worse. Not so much a mid-life crisis as a depression due to current circumstances and life spiralling downwards.

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Like others said, the first thing that hit me was that you're husband is suffering from depression. Everything you mentioned made me think of it. He definitely needs some help, that's a difficult thing in itself, as when you're depressed you feel completely hopeless as if its never going to get better. Maybe try gently talking to him about it. I'm sure that's a difficult position to be in.

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He does sound very depressed. Whether or not he might be having an emotional affair is unknown, but a possiiblity if he is on the computer a lot. People tend to check out of their family life when this is going on.....or like i said he might just be depressed w/out another wmoan in the picture at all.


I'd definitely encourage him to see a counselor. Hopefully he will be amiable to that.


Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

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He does sound depressed... except for that he manages to be really active with music.


If you can get him to the GP, it mightn't hurt to have a comprehensive exam just to make sure that everything's as it should be. (Low testosterone, for example, can really mess a guy up).


As far as work goes, I think that you should try to be supportive of this,

Is there any way that he could somehow find work as a (full-time) music teacher?

If there is any way to possibly make music his career, I think that that route ought be pursued.


I dunno, it sounds like some couples counseling might be good to help mediate, because he sounds in a rut, and his ears are closed to the needs of others.

It would be good if there was an outside voice to help him get things in perspective, and to bridge the gap in communication that has grown between you.

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