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Is he just really sensitive or is it something else?


ratgirl77
When He Says He Wants Space | Begin...
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I've been dating this man for the past six months. We get along really well, and enjoy each others company. We even went away together on vacation for a week.

 

The one major issue with us, is that I want to be exclusive, and he does not. We've had a few conversations about this in the past, the last one being about a month and a half ago. He says that he really cares about me, but does not want to be in a relationship mainly because A.) he is in the process of going through a major life change (going back to school full-time, and moving about 60 miles away) and B.) he feels that in order to commit himself to someone he needs to feel deeply in love with that person (at this point he says that though he has positive feelings for me, and cares about me, he just doesn't feel like it's love).

 

So when we had this last conversation and he said what he said about his reasons for not wanting a relationship; he then proceeded to tell me that we should probably stop seeing each other. He said that he really cares about me a lot, and that he likes spending time with me, but that he would feel like he was holding me back from pursing a relationship with someone else who wants a commitment; but here's the thing, he was balling his eyes out as he was telling me this. He genuinely seemed upset over the idea of ending things with me. The next day after this conversation, he even emailed me to make sure that I was okay, and to apologize.

 

So I know I should have ended it, but I just couldn't. I really do like him, may even be in love with him at this point; and I think maybe he senses that. So I don't know if it's because he senses I'm in love with him (I haven't told him that I am), or if it's just something else that's going on that he's not telling me about; but he's been very sensitive lately. He's always been kind of a sensitive guy, but lately it's been even worse since we had that conversation about my wanting a relationship. At first I thought maybe I was saying something to set him off, and sometimes I admit that has probably been the case; but today I said nothing that would make him upset; and he started crying. He was getting ready to leave my house, and I gave him a hug goodbye, and he started crying as I was hugging him. It wasn't just a quick hug, it was kind of intimate, so I don't know if it just freaked him out or what? Anyone have some insight on this? I'm just wondering is it him? Is he just really sensitive in general? Or could it be something more? Guilt over not feeling the same way I feel? I did ask him if everything was okay, and did he want to talk about it, but he just said he was fine and didn't want to talk.

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it really, really sounds like guilt. give him some time to not worry about the relationship (e.g. a week off from seeing each other), then have a serious talk with him. he has to be willing to let you know about what he truly wants.

 

from my first judgment it SOUNDS like he wants to leave you but can't find the strength to.

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It sounds to me like he enjoys hanging out with you, but doesn't really enjoy it enough to want to be in a relationship with you, so he's making excuses. That, or the fact that he's moving far away means he likes you but not enough to want to have a long-distance relationship with you.

 

Who starts a relationship 'deeply in love'? Most of the time you date someone because you feel positive about them and then eventually those feelings may develop into love. This sounds like a bad excuse to me.

 

Maybe he really does like you and care about you. But if he really wanted to be with you, he'd have no problem being in a relationship with you, even if it meant having to negotiate long-distance. He obviously feels guilty about this, hence his overemotional reactions, but 6 months is long enough to know if you want to keep seeing someone and he's putting the rest of his life above being with you.

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from my first judgment it SOUNDS like he wants to leave you but can't find the strength to.

 

I've thought about that being a possibility, and maybe it's just hard from me to accept if that's the case; but I'm just not fully convinced that it is. He is always telling me how much he enjoys our time together. Just last week he told me that I was one of the most amazing women he has ever met. There's been times when out of the blue he will send me a text message saying he can't wait to see me again, etc. In fact, he just sent me a text as I type this that says "you're amazing."

 

Maybe I'm just grasping at straws, but why would he say or do things to encourage my wanting to be with him if he wants out? We actually did take a week off from seeing each other, right after that conversation we had, but had made plans for the following week; and part of me thought: "perhaps I will not hear from him again," but we did end up seeing each other. I can't recall if I had contacted him, or if he had contacted me, but even if I had contacted him it would have been via email or text; so it would have been easy for him to ignore me and not respond.

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Sounds similar to a situation I was in once...dated a guy for some time, finally questioned him about the "status" of our relationship, and he claimed he didn't want anything official and gave all kinds of excuses as well. Turns out it was because he was meeting girls on myspace and trying to sleep with them.

 

I understand people who say cut him some slack and that it's reasonable for him to feel that way, but I've always seen it as a red flag. He likes you and being with you, but avoiding that final "committment" step means he's still free to date other people if the opportunity arises. Here's the thing: he's already basically in a relationship with you. Calling the two of you a "couple" won't change ANYTHING in regards to those excuses he's giving. But labeling you as his girlfriend means he's tied down, and he's just not having that.

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op, when you guys were dating,is he making more effort or it's you?

 

I know six months is kind of long enough for someone to figure out their feelings, and I myself would want it official too, but I guess some men need more time? tough, if it's me, I might wait till him to bring it up to me, but if he won't, I'll continue dating other people too. but everyone has a time and patience limit, and it's right thing for you to have the talk, and you did. I advise you to stop seeing him, and let him sort out his feelings to you and if he comes back to you, it's great, if he won't, let him go.

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Could be some fear of intimacy (fear of enmeshment or fear of abandonment).

 

How is his relationship history?

 

He hasn't been in a committed relationship in almost ten years. He's dated other women, but I don't think it's gone beyond the six month mark. I asked him once if he's ever really been in love, and had his heart broken. He said yes. That right after he broke up with his last girlfriend, he had started dating this woman and fell in love with her right away, but apparently she didn't feel the same way about him, and ended it. That was a long time ago, so I did find it kind of strange that he hasn't been in love/ in a relationship since.

 

To answer fatcat's question. As far as I can tell, I'd say the amount of effort has been equal. We both take an interest in each others hobbies. We more or less take turns when it comes to things like going over the other's home, cooking dinner, coming up with ideas for dates, etc.. As far as communication, I probably contact him, slightly more than he contacts me; but I am by no means smothering him. I hardly ever call him. Usually just email or text him maybe once or twice a week, and I never send him more than one text without a reply. He probably texts me (not counting replies to my texts) at least once a week.

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If a man tells you he doesn't want a commitment with you, and says he wants to break up so you can find someone better suited - LISTEN TO HIM.

 

Waaayyy too many women will rationalize his words to make themselves feel better. DON'T.

 

He gave you the gift of being honest with you about how he views you, and how he sees your future.

 

Move on.

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