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Confused...not sure we should be together anymore


waytoodown
Should I Stay Or Leave My Relations...
Should I Stay Or Leave My Relationship

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Hi everyone,

I feel confused lately, because on some days I'm convinced I should just break up with my fiance ( with who I've been with for 5 years ) and on other days I can't imagine living without him.

I was talking to some of my friends who said that I might just be used to having him around without actually being in love with him anymore. I've been thinking about this but can't figure out what would be indications of this specifically...

Has anyone broken up with someone because of this, and if so, what are specific indications that I'm not in love with him but just accustomed to being with him.

Thanks for any replies!

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The fact that you're confused is your first sign. Ending a long term relationship is hard and scarey. Your whole life will change but staying in a relationship out of fear is not a good option either. It's not fair to him to be your safety blanket. Be honest with him, you owe him that. You may not be able to explain your feelings to his satisfaction, but you need to at least try.

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I did talk to him a week ago, explained that I feel confused and I'm not sure what to do anymore. He did seem to somewhat understand (since he is depressive and not easy to live with sometimes.( eventhough he's on antidepressants...plus he's not even comparable to the guy I got engaged to/ the guy I was with for the first 4 years of our relationship). He obviously said he would like to know what I plan to do ( stay with him or break up).

I promised him I would let him know as soon as I figure things out.

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im not gonna write a long post

Just go read your own previous threads

 

why are you even still with this guy? i know it takes us time to finally undestand for ourselves its time to move on..now that you have, break it off! for gods sake!! no one should have to deal with what u have over the years!! ure just addicted to the drama and used to having him around! youve been more unhappy than happy in the time uve been with him, do you want the rest of your life to be like that too?

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This is quite similar to how I ended up breaking up with my ex. We were together for three years and technically we were a good couple, we didn't argue much or cheat or hurt each other, but towards the end I started to feel like maybe I was with him out of habit rather than love.

 

I'd suggest you and your fiance take a break and maybe try living separately, see how you feel. You mentioned he's not really the same person you fell in love with - a break and some time to be yourselves away from each other again might mean he rediscovers some of that old person.

 

Its difficult when you've been considering your entire life with someone, to go from that to maybe not seeing them at all. Have you thought about going to see a relationship counsellor together maybe? It could be that once you're in a room talking about your feelings it'll be easier to see how to work through things instead of leaving the relationship entirely.

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I wish we could go to some counsellor, but because of the recession, we can't pay the bills we already have, so we can't afford to pay for it and we don't have access to it through our job ( I already checked into that)...

I think part of me knows we're going to break up, but I have trouble with that idea...We're living together now and I dont know what I would do without him...

One of my friends made me realise this a few days ago... We have a trip planned out in 1 month ( everything is booked, half under my name and the other half under his, plus our plane tickets are already booked too)... if we do break up, what should we do about the trip? ( It would be my choice I figure, since I paid for everything and he was supposed to pay me back...but he already owes me a lot of money on top of this trip...)

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I think part of me knows we're going to break up, but I have trouble with that idea...We're living together now and I dont know what I would do without him...

 

This is exactly how I felt. But ask yourself, what will you do WITH him? Are you happy the way things are? Better to move out and try and move on, look for someone who you can be really happy with, than stay and be not 100% about staying, but not 100% about going either, and unhappy because of it.

 

Who knows, with some space and perspective, you may end up back together. You might meet someone new and amazing, you might spend some time being single and sorting yourself out. But if you really wanted to stay with him - would you feel this unsure about it?

 

As for the holiday... I have to say unless its refundable my instinct would be to go anyway, try and enjoy it and then if you still feel the same afterwards then end it then. If you really can't bear the thought then at the end of the day, you can always just write it off as a loss brought on by the end of the relationship. Or if he still wants to go, get one of his friends to buy your tickets off you!

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Hi everyone,

I feel confused lately, because on some days I'm convinced I should just break up with my fiance ( with who I've been with for 5 years ) and on other days I can't imagine living without him.

I was talking to some of my friends who said that I might just be used to having him around without actually being in love with him anymore. I've been thinking about this but can't figure out what would be indications of this specifically...

Has anyone broken up with someone because of this, and if so, what are specific indications that I'm not in love with him but just accustomed to being with him.

Thanks for any replies!

 

Going through this sort of situation too right now. Also nearly 5 years. The indications I'm seeing that are leading me to think that maybe I should move on:

 

1. I rarely ever see him and that doesn't bother me much anymore

2. I have developed crushes on other men I knew over the last 6 months or so. Never followed through, but I was thinking about them and not him.

3. I don't feel anything when I kiss him.

4. I am afraid of being yelled at whenever we are together or criticized heavily

5. All I see when I'm around him are the bad things about him now - not all the good stuff I love about him.

 

There's more, but that's what I see the most. I asked for a break to see if we could learn to be friends again, have fun, break down the barriers. All he is doing is sitting at home, being on his "best behavior", thinking that will make everything ok.

 

Not the same situation as you, but I'm feeling the same confusion, fear, hurt, pain... maybe you can start a private journal on ENA and start writing about it. Maybe that will help you work through your thoughts and ideas.

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Cotuner,

 

It sounds like you're in the relationship out of obligation rather than love, which is not a place anyone should be in a relationshp.

 

The 5 things you enumerated are pretty big dealbreak each on their own but all 5 together makes wonder why in the world you continue on with this guy.

 

Break it off find happiness for yourself. Not only are you hurting yourself but you are hurting him because he doesn't appear to care for you.

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Going through this sort of situation too right now. Also nearly 5 years. The indications I'm seeing that are leading me to think that maybe I should move on:

 

1. I rarely ever see him and that doesn't bother me much anymore

2. I have developed crushes on other men I knew over the last 6 months or so. Never followed through, but I was thinking about them and not him.

3. I don't feel anything when I kiss him.

4. I am afraid of being yelled at whenever we are together or criticized heavily

5. All I see when I'm around him are the bad things about him now - not all the good stuff I love about him.

Numbers 3,4 and 5 certainly apply in my situation... Especially 4 and 5, I feel like that every day.

I'm wondering if I wait a lil while, will this come easier? Would it make the situation less hard to deal with? .... Part of me is scared of making a mistake ( though I know I've felt like that after every break up I've had and never regreted it after getting over the guy.... but it' scarier since I'm engaged, living with him and been with him for so long...)...

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Numbers 3,4 and 5 certainly apply in my situation... Especially 4 and 5, I feel like that every day.

I'm wondering if I wait a lil while, will this come easier? Would it make the situation less hard to deal with? .... Part of me is scared of making a mistake ( though I know I've felt like that after every break up I've had and never regreted it after getting over the guy.... but it' scarier since I'm engaged, living with him and been with him for so long...)...

 

If you wait any longer, it will only be that much harder to disentangle your lives.

From everything you've written on ENA (I poked through your old posts), the relationship like it's gone far past it's expiry date.

 

Breaking up will be hard, but it is probably the only possible eventual outcome

in a relationship such as you've described.

You can do it now, or you can keep chugging along, only to wind up doing it later.

 

On the minus side

*Yes, breaking up will hurt, and yes, in some ways you will miss him.

*There will be the difficulty of re-ordering your life, and adjusting to change.

*There will be the grief which comes when realising that your old dreams (in their past state) no longer suit you.

*There will be the loss of this person's presence in your life-- not just certain things that you valued about this person, but also all that this person came to represent for you.

 

On the plus side

*The changes will be healthy, positive ones.

*The pain will be growing pain, and will subside in time.

*Re-ordering your life will open so many opportunities that you are currently closed to.

*The grief over your old dreams will be just that more manageable once you've started to move forward and realised just how very unsuitable those dreams were for you in the long run.

*The things that this person represented for you (a loving relationship, etc). were not achievable with this person.

However, only by freeing yourself from the unfulfilling and stagnant (at best) relationship, will you be able to find not just a symbol for your dreams, but the embodiment of them.

*As for this person's place in your life...well, perhaps in a year or two, you will be able to resume contact, and to build a different sort of relationship (i.e., friendship), which could be far more fruitful than the relationship that you have now.

And if not, well, this happens sometimes. Sometimes we have to let go of people, so that we can find what it is we are really searching for in ourselves and in our lives.

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Great post by Odile - it's VERY difficult to be with someone who suffers from depression (my previous partners include 2 who suffered from depression and one bipolar sufferer). It's all give and no take.

 

I agree you should free yourself from this relationship - it's too negative for you and there are aspects of this which would be damaging for you in the long term.

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Great post by Odile - it's VERY difficult to be with someone who suffers from depression (my previous partners include 2 who suffered from depression and one bipolar sufferer). It's all give and no take.

 

I agree you should free yourself from this relationship - it's too negative for you and there are aspects of this which would be damaging for you in the long term.

 

In this instance (based on accounts in old posts), it sounds like there are deeper problems than simply depression.

It also sounds like there has been a long history of trying, and trying, and things just never seeming to really feel quite right.

 

Depression and other disorders can sometimes be managed well enough so that the sufferer is able to have a good, and essentially healthy relationship.

However, this is only possible when the sufferer makes an effort to do so, and even then, some people may not be capable.

 

When a relationship becomes really unhealthy, sometimes the best thing for the person suffering from the disorder is to be free from the relationship,

even if that seems to go against our instinct to nurture, or any sense of obligation that we may feel.

 

Sometimes it's because it's too easy to fall into co-dependancy, rather than to actively work on oneself.

Sometimes, it's because the non-sufferer finds that they are no longer meeting their own needs, and this will never work--

You have to be able to nurture yourself to be able to nurture anyone else.

 

By freeing each other, you allow each other to address your own individual needs,

and to find opportunity for growth-- which is something that has been stifled in the relationship.

 

It really does sound like there are some conflicting feelings regarding your commitment to your fiance,

and if after so long together (5 years) these feelings have proven irreconcilable, then you really are better off apart.

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Thank you everyone. I have pretty much made up my mind that I will be breaking up with him soon, I just can't quite figure out what's the "best" time to do it... We live together, have an animal( which is like our baby, I can't imagine giving him away, but I dont know which one of us will keep him ) and, as previously mentionned, have a trip planned out in one month.

 

I don't know what's going to happen when I break the news since this is my only break up where I'm living with the person and have plans in the future...

 

Out of experience, is it okay for us to keep living in our appartement until the end of next month ( time to find another place to stay) or is one of us better to go live at our friend's? To separate our stuff, is it even POSSIBLE to do this without arguing over everything? ( I really dont want to argue over everything, I would rather do this like civilized and mature people).... Or should I maybe wait until after the trip, and that way I can find myself a place to stay by then?....

 

Thank you again though, at least now I don't feel as confused about the decision itself...

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i feel very similar..i also know im breaking up with him, but ive never broken up with him,he on the other hand has dumped me 4 times and i went back to him everytime

 

I know he will be in shock

I just dont know when to do it..

I dont have experience in regards to this but i can imagine it'd be very hard to keep living in the same house right after a break up and would make the chances of you fallinf for it and you guys getting back together higher..so mybe wait until you can move out

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