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Are panic and numbness my only options?


tergiversate

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I’m a twenty year old girl, and I have very little experience when it comes to…well, anything romantic or sexual. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve kissed someone. My first kiss was when I was fifteen, and I was so nervous and dry-mouthed that all I felt was anxiety. I completely avoided the guy after that. I’d steered clear of intimacy afterward, partially because it made me so nervous, and partially because I hated the thought of another bad experience proving to me that I just couldn’t have a good one.

 

Then, a few months ago, I started thinking a friend of mine was cute. I want to get more experienced while I’m still young enough that it’s not totally weird to not know what I’m doing, and since he’s a genuinely sweet guy, I decided to try to encourage within myself the feelings I had for him. And so I start to like him a lot, and as always, enjoy hanging out with him. Couple of months of flirting later, he tells me he really likes me, I kiss him, and…I don’t feel anything. Just mouths moving against each other, no physical response. When I imagine kissing someone, I can feel/imagine I feel the right response, and in the past there have been times when, looking at this boy, I just wanted to grab him by the shirt and start making out. But as soon as there’s an actual possibility of something developing between us, it’s like I shut off. I just feel indifferent.

 

I’m pretty sure this numbness is a defense mechanism I formed after that nerve-wracking first kiss, like my body decided it would rather feel absolutely nothing than feel fear. It’s depressing to think that my only options are panic or catatonia, but I don’t know how to change the way my brain seems to work. I avoided seeing him today just because I knew he’d kiss me, and again, I wouldn’t feel anything. That numbness just feels so dehumanizing. And, of course, the icing on the cake is that if I pull my usual turn-and-run maneuver, I’ve messed up a really good friendship. I’m almost tempted to try to keep getting close with him, go through the motions, and hope that at some point I do feel something. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to switch back on the part of my brain that’s supposed to make me happy and tingly when I get close to somebody I like?

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That sounds really weird. Maybe you should just try asking him out? You two sound like you'd turn into a fine couple. Then you'd get to spend more time with him. I think eventually you'll adjust as start getting the usual sparks around him. Try not to stress - it's probably a passing thing. Negative thinking will do you no good here!

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II avoided seeing him today just because I knew he’d kiss me, and again, I wouldn’t feel anything..... I’m almost tempted to try to keep getting close with him, go through the motions, and hope that at some point I do feel something.

 

I don't think this is a bad idea.

 

You're having trouble feeling anything, from the sounds of it because you're so panicked and anxious that that pretty much blocks out any other feelings. That's never going to change if you keep switching to new people to try and feel comfortable with. The first time doing anything is normally destined to be awkward and unsure because of course you don't know how the other person moves or what they want you learn that stuff by repeating the experience.

 

Talk to him about it and explain how nervous anything physical makes you feel. Tell him you really want to learn to relax but he needs to take things slowly with you and see how they go. I can't imagine why he'd be upset that you'd be telling him basically you'd like to practice relaxing more with him

 

You can't switch off how your brain reacts exactly but I do have some problems with anxiousness myself, not in the same area but its similar I recently started taking these Kalms tablets which are apparently natural herbal pills or something - I don't know if they have them where you are but trust me they really work - I can get stressed to the point of throwing up but these made me feel very calm and mellow, in a completely in-control way. Perhaps if you're going on a date with him, look at taking something mild and natural like that to calm you down a little? Or look into other ways to induce calm and get you through the first stages - once you get past a certain point you probably won't need help at all

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Next time imagine the wonderful chemistry before you touch. Imagine the warmth..the intimacy of a kiss.. Its not mechanical but a nice way of physically connecting nice emotions. I think you have to relax more and allow you emotions to lead into the kiss. Do not decide to do it..do it when it feels right..

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With anything physical, society tells us it's great and so we must find it incredible, otherwise there's something wrong with us. Actually, of course it can be great, but it's really very personal and can just as easily be disappointing or even disgusting.

 

I'd say that being honest is really the best course. I'd be so pleased if a girl a liked told me she was quite edgy about the physical stuff, but wanted to try things very lightly and gently with me to find out what she liked. I'd be much less pleased if she went straight in for a massive kiss and then never spoke to me again.

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