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Should we interfere? back away? Cut the ties?


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OK so my group of friends recently met a guy who was hanging out by himself somewhere. We'll call him Henry.

 

Well... Henry is probably gay. No stereotyping, no guesses. He just obviously has a crush on our friend Rafael, who is straight, by the way. And to top it all off, Henry has a girlfriend, but it's very visible that he doesn't care about her.

 

OK, maybe he's bi.

 

At first, Rafael was very freaked by Henry's approaches to him, but knowing he has a girlfriend calmed him down I guess.

 

He's just not very observant though... you should just see how Henry looks at him. It's... it's... he eats him with his eyes.

 

So I dunno what to do. I really don't wanna interfere, but I think this could end badly. And I feel bad for Henry's girlfriend. Sucks for her too. She has never hung out with us though. I wonder how that would turn out...

 

But I don't want to cut him off either. He's a nice guy. But I dunno what to do.

 

Sometimes I just feel like standing back and watching it unfold.

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i wouldn't alienate the guy for possibly being confused about his sexuality, especially since he is a friend and you all seem to like him.

all i would do is like you said, standing back and watching it unfold.

the situation hasn't even climaxed yet, and if it did, all rafael would have to do is say that he's not into Henry. that's that.

as for henry and his gf, that's pretty private stuff, and i think it's their issue to address.

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This sounds like it's really Rafael's issue and no one else's. Has Rafael said anything to you? Is he flattered or creeped out by this guy? Do you think Henry is in denial about his attraction to Rafael and guys in general? or is he just an in your face kind of person who doesn't hide anything?

 

If you think Rafael is uncomfortable and having trouble asserting that he's not interested, your best bet is probably to help him come up with a way of getting Henry to knock it off. It would be best if Rafael can just politely call him on his behaviour, (ideally when no one else is around) and say something like "I can tell you're into me. I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. I'm straight. And even if I wasn't, I've got a girlfriend, and we're exclusive. Sorry. Friends?" Or if Rafael doesn't have the guts to say anything, then I guess you could come to the rescue and poke a bit of fun at Henry, (in a joking way, not a mean way) about his crush on Rafael, and point out that his girlfriend might not be very happy about it. If Henry is in denial about his sexuality, that could be leading him to act more inappropriately than if it was all out in the open. Maybe if you guys can talk more about sexuality around him, and give him a safe environment for him to out himself officialy, that might help.

 

Just out of interest, why do you care?

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Yeah, part of the problem is that, Rafael would have a mayor freakout. He already had a semi-freakout when he thought he liked him. I lied to him and told him he didn't and he sorta believes it. But if he found out for real it wouldn't be alright. I even told myself it was all in my head... but when Henry is with him it's just... too obvious.

 

I also care because Rafael gets upset easily and his emotional state is really delicate, especially when he gets mad. I know he shouldn't get mad but that's just the way it is.

 

Epiphany here... I'll leave Henry alone but I'll try to slowly mentalize Rafael so he doesn't react badly if anything does happen. And if does I'll try to make sure he doesn't do anything harsh.

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Is Rafael homophobic? Does he hate gays? Is there any chance that he would be violent towards Henry?

 

How about yourself - do you have a problem with gay men? Would you hurt Henry just because he may feel attracted to Rafael?

 

If Henry is gay, he's going to need some gay positive friends - if you're not gay positive, do Henry a favor, and leave him alone!

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Is Rafael homophobic? Does he hate gays? Is there any chance that he would be violent towards Henry?

 

He sorta is. He's slowly changing though, but a guy liking him would be too much for him to handle right now. He really is a nice guy, but, well, he's prejudiced. But he is changing his way of thinking, but I'm sure that at this point a guy liking him would be too much.

 

How about yourself - do you have a problem with gay men? Would you hurt Henry just because he may feel attracted to Rafael?

 

I am gay.

 

If Henry is gay, he's going to need some gay positive friends - if you're not gay positive, do Henry a favor, and leave him alone!
I'd be supportive if I had to be.
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Are you out to your friends? Does Henry know that you're gay?

 

It might be worth talking to Henry if you get the chance. I don't really see how it affects Rafael all that much. Assuming Henry's really gay, he's going to need major support in the near future.

 

There's always the possibility that you're misinterpreting, so be careful.

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Are you out to your friends? Does Henry know that you're gay?

 

It might be worth talking to Henry if you get the chance. I don't really see how it affects Rafael all that much. Assuming Henry's really gay, he's going to need major support in the near future.

 

There's always the possibility that you're misinterpreting, so be careful.

 

I used to think that but when they're together it's REALLY painfully obvious and when Rafael is not with us Henry asks and asks about him and thinks we should call him so that he'd come and is always sad when we tell him he can't anyways. He even admitted to having a weird "fixation" towards him. I rolled my eyes cause that was *my* excuse when I had my first strong gay crushes and I couldn't lie to myself about them. He's young though. He'll figure it out eventually.

 

Oh and I'm out to some... not to all though.

 

How homophobic of you

 

Lolwhut?

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It sounds like there's a thin layer of denial covering Henry's awareness of his own gayness. I personally think it might be good to just quietly say to Henry something which will break that thin layer of denial that this could be anything other than a boy crush. Next time he's acting all fixatey over Rafael, just lean over and say quietly in his ear "Rafael's 100% heterosexual, dude. Give up."

 

Of course, if you're going to shock him like that, you might want to make sure you're strong enough yourself to be a supportive friend as well.

 

are you out to either Rafael or Henry? If you were to both, I imagine this would be 10 times easier.

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I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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