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From everything to absolutely nothing


Albert is cool

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Up until two years ago... my family was very wealthy, I was very talkative and funny, I would have every girl behind me and every guy wanting to be my friend. They all did what I said, everyone loved me, I was the teacher's favorite always, the parents loved me. I found a lot of great friends that were very much like me... I could have asked for nothing more. Now I'm 16; two years ago my family's business went bankrupt, we all lost everything, for two years I was kind of okay I still had my friends, money and friends has been the only thing I cared about for my entire life. Every day that passed I became less attractive for some reason, I lost confidence in myself, I discovered I was gay, I don't know what happened but I just wasn't funny anymore, suddenly I had nothing interesting to talk about, and so I didn't anymore. I moved away with no money or emotional strength to make new friends. I kept holding on to my past and not making as many friends here. Now it has come to a point that my old friends grew up and are no longer there, my new friends aren't good enough, and I am lost in a living hell. I've been in love like four times with some of my good friends here and right now I am really into my friend Albert. I can't take this loneliness anymore, I don't have many friends, my family was never close and I have no money. I don't want to live anymore I just want to disappear.

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I'm very sorry you had to deal with so much in the past years, I think a big part of it has to do with age.

I read your post and it was like reading something I could've written when I was around your age, I also thought suicide was a good option and sadly I kept thinking that way until I was quite old which made my life more difficult than it should have been.

 

Being a teenager is a complicated phase in itself but it has some advantages like being able to change most things in your life without any major consequences.

 

Your past is not going to change so you have nothing to lose by leaving it behind, every good memory will forever be with you but if none of that is in your present that doesn't mean there can't be anything else, perhaps not the same friends or the same things but that's part of life, that you can always keep finding new reasons to keep going or to enjoy being here.

 

Try to find things you would like to do and don't give up until you achieve what you planned, that's going to help your self-esteem, and when you feel better you might also be able to help your family (just by being happier) because I'm sure they all feel bad about what happened.

 

Also, avoid comparisons (of friends, the past, etc), do things for you and don't be afraid of improving yourself even if that means not being much of who you used to be.

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I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to start a new life with a clean slate. I'm trying that right now but it's not looking so good... maybe it's because the only I've only truly cared about was money, power, being the best; I can't trust anyone not even my best friends because they either will try to stop me or they will simply make fun of me and call me pathetic. Posting on this website only shows the extreme loneliness that I experience, I trust only about five people right now and I don't have the guts to tell either of them how I plan to end my life, instead I'm writing a personal letters to the few people I care about. I set a date for my death and I'm just waiting for myself to fail one last time before I leave. My whole life I have been an arrogant piece of crap and I now realize the only reason people didn't notice it was because they didn't want to believe that such a success as I would have such a cold heart. I don't even know if I'm making any sense I lost track of what I was talking about...

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If you trust 5 people.. that is a whole handful (uhh literally). Even if you only trusted one person that is such a huge support. You should talk to them. It will probably make you feel a lot better.

 

Take it from somebody who has moved about 11 or so times, it is hard. Maybe before you only cared for superficial success but this experience may help you to have more depth to your character and turn you into a very empathetic man.

 

I am posting on this thread as well.. but it isn't because I am just lonely. I have some weird desire to make the world better. But don't we all? Do you?

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Well... it's hard not to feel like you have it all when you're young, good-looking, successful and you have all the material possessions you want, I was there, and I thought I controlled everything and that it was going to be that way forever, I even knew what kind of car I wanted to drive when the time arrived, at 13 it seemed like nothing could go wrong but it did and now I'm glad that it happened because depression didn't kill me but my ego would have done it sooner or later.

But it took me more than 10 years to reach that place, to feel comfortable living a life that I had not "asked" for and to be okay even if nothing seemed to go the way I had planned.

 

And you know?, life is not a test, it's not like you "fail" or "win" because absolutely everything can teach you something or enrich a part of you. Maybe it's just now that you can see how much strength and hope is inside of you, even if you plan to end your life, you haven't done it and each moment you are here is proof that even if nothing seems to change you still go out every day and give everything another chance.

You deserve to be happy, to keep seeing what's out there and to keep growing up as a person, the world is not going to be better without you and it's actually going to be worse for a lot of people if you are not around.

 

Sometimes it's easier talking to strangers than to our family, but I agree with Suzy that maybe talking to those you trust could make you feel better.

 

Just be patient and hold on to anything you can.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I want to die, I feel so lost, I can't wait for this to end. I have friends at school and I have fun there most of the time, but as soon as I get home I want to die. I can't keep doing this, I think I'm finally about to do it.

 

Why?, how do you feel when you are at home?.

 

You don't have to decide anything fast, please tell me if something happened, no matter how bad everything looks we can find a solution.

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Do you really think your parents could see you as a burden?. Being depressed changes our perception of the world, if one of your friends was going through the same thing as you, wouldn't you prefer to know about it rather than finding out when it was too late?.

If you told them I'm sure they would tell you they don't feel sorry for you and do like you.

 

If you could go back to the life you had a few years ago, do you think you would want it?.

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That's something then. You can reach a certain point through different routes, so I guess it's a matter of finding which road is better for this case.

 

I'm sure you still have the traits that people really liked about you in the past, you're probably still funny (for example) so you just have to get your confidence back, sports are supposed to be great for that, there might be one in particular you enjoy, or something like skateboarding, martial arts, or anything that seems even slightly attractive to you, it's a matter of rebuilding the image you had of yourself so you are certain others can see it too.

But you can also improve, perhaps there was something you liked back then but never got the chance to do, you could also give that a thought.

 

The economic thing is a slightly different story, I guess what we like about having money is not necessarily the ... object for itself but how it makes us feel, so even if the money is gone we can still get that feeling through other things. For example, a rich guy is admired or famous, but if he wasn't rich he could still get all of that through being very good at something like singing or writing sci-fi novels.

In your case we don't know if the money problem is going to improve but meanwhile you could still find a way to "replace" what it gave you with something else.

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A spring trip?, awesome! I'm sure you will have a fantastic time and everything will go well, what you're thinking about talking to others as much as possible is a fantastic idea.

 

As for the confidence there are quite a few methods out there, like making lists of things you believe are good and wouldn't change, you can also try to work on the very small ones that you don't like or give yourself rewards (extra internet time, a soda, just anything you enjoy) whenever a certain amount of time passes without negative thoughts about yourself and, if said thoughts do arrive, you can dissect them to try to look at them objectively without getting carried away.

Also, I repeat that sports are supposed to have a big impact on people's confidence, the ones that are martial arts oriented are known to be the best ones because they really focus on how to control your own mind.

 

Start with something small, don't put too much pressure on yourself, you're here to be happy.

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That is so fantastic! I'm so glad!

 

Don't allow yourself to forget this, ok?, you never know when something great can still happen and you definitely shouldn't miss the opportunity to experience it.

 

Again, I'm really really happy that you had such a good time

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can't find words to describe how I feel right now, I have made really good friends with several people but I still feel alone, I want to cry right now but I won't because I know that's not going to solve anything. I don't want school to end because then my summer is going to be dreadful. I can't go through this... not again.

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It's not easy but you have been doing really well so I don't think you shouldn't worry too much, there's still some things that you can change.

 

You have to be your own best friend so you can enjoy being alone. See it like the next step. I think you are very social by nature so it's understandable that when your friends are not around you don't feel that well, but you can always find things to do with others during the summer, and you can have a plan for doing things by yourself whenever you can't be with others.

 

You're still on the right path, you can't give up now that you went through the hardest part.

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You don't have to, you know now you're still a great person to be around and you can even make new friends in short periods of time, the question is, what is preventing you from truly believing you are great?.

 

You feel like you hate yourself because you either don't know much about you or you don't want to get to know you, I don't know if it worries you to see something you don't like or if you don't believe there could be anything special and sort of prefer to "not know it for sure" but either scenario is not realistic, you're a good person and you haven't done anything wrong, if you ever made mistakes in the past you can forgive yourself for them or if you think something is still not right you're strong enough to overcome it.

 

Start today, don't postpone it any longer, know who you are, close your eyes and see yourself from the outside, be neutral and don't allow negative thoughts to tell you things that are not real, your friends and family love you because they know you, if you do the same the rest will also look different to you.

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Okay, I think perhaps this could help you, another person here posted it years ago and I thought it was a good method.

 

Looking at yourself (mentally) go backwards, see yourself as a baby but together with you, with the age you have now. Pay attention to that baby, hold it, see it, talk to it then tell him you're always going to be there for him and move to another phase like your childhood (might sound strange but it has a purpose, believe me) now see yourself as a kid but again, you're together as the person you are now. Play with him, ask questions and listen to what he says, try to have a good time and just enjoy spending time with each other, if you change ages do the same thing, tell him that you're always going to be with them and that whenever they need you all they have to do is call you and you'll always be around.

Make it vivid, hear the sounds that were familiar to you then, the clothes, the places, take your time and if possible you could add old songs to the background.

 

If you feel anything was missing in your childhood or when you were growing up you can provide it to them now, tell them what you wish you had heard. You can use a symbol too, give them something or receive something from them.

 

Don't give up.

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