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just when i thought it was cool pulls this <mod edit> again!


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TikTok Advice For Relationships Suc...
TikTok Advice For Relationships Sucks

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I am mad and hurt and also typing on my cell.....excuse any typos.

 

Some of you have read my previoius post about my bf who I have been with for 2 yrs off and on. He is working 2 jobs and really do not spend as much time. We talked about it about a month ago and he promised he would work on it.

 

Well today I call him when I got out of grad school around 3pm and he's at a freakin bbq! Its a beautiful day here in los angeles. I can hear the music and ppl talking in the background. Everyone is having a grand time! My first question is why the heck is he not trying to see me! We typically only see each other on the weeekends. Which is fine with me bc I'm really busy during the wk. But hello....the wkend is here and he is at a d*m bbq living it up! My second question is didn't he invite me! I got so mad. I just said ok have fun and got off the phone. Obviously that was not the time to talk about it. I am sure he will call tonight and try to see me tonight or tomorrow.

 

I have decided to not pick up the phone. Lol. I know its immature but I want him to wonder where I am and who I am with while he was poolside. I'm 27 and too old for the olel taste or their own medicine routine. But I can't resists.

 

Another part of me is beginning to calm down and that maybe I making a big deal out of nothing and bc he is on thin ice with me that I am quicker to agonize on the slightest thing. But why didn't he invite!

 

Thank you for allowing me to vent. Thoughts...suggestsions....advice? Again, sorry for any typos.

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In the beginning of the post I meant to say that we hadn't been spending much time together. Since our little talk it got better and have been seeing each other on the wkends. And my concern is him not inviting me to the bbq.....

 

Wanted to clear up some of typos. Thanks!

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As tempting as it is, don't do something childish. If he doesn't care for you, it won't bother him but it will make you look very foolish. You guys aren't married, and as painful as it can be sometimes, single people are allowed to go to parties without their gf or bf, it's not prison to be in a relationship. That being said, I feel your pain. It hurts to think he could not make time for you. Well, what does this tell you about his feelings for you? If you want to try and hurt him, go ahead. But I don't think it will work because you are not a priority to him, are you? If you are, he has a strange way of showing it. Personally, I'd move on and skip the game playing. Any relationship where you have to do that is not worth the time and energy involved.

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Everything that you have said is true. I am conflicted bc we have been spending timw and he has been making me a priority since our discusion. I am not sure if this an indication the he is back to his old ways or if he simply just wanted to spend time with the boys. Its a little hard for me to deal with this situation objectively bc I am still skeptical of him. Before when we did not have this issue and he went to a function like this by himself I thought nothing of it. For some reason this really made me mad.

 

Oh lordie! This man......

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Ewww, I'd watch that temper. Last person I heard say, "He's on thin ice with me," ended up the one being ditched shortly thereafter.

 

I can appreciate that your feelings are hurt, and my heart goes out to you. I can also appreciate having two jobs and deserving the well-earned freedom to make my own decisions about how I spend my time without needing to justify my choices to anyone.

 

The guy is a fully grown adult, and the most unsexy place to position yourself is the role of his mother. If he's not giving you what you want in a voluntary way, then strongarming it out of him isn't going to help you feel more loved or valued--it will only make you feel like a shrew.

 

When you say this relationship has been 'off and on' over two years, it might help to consider whether this is really 'the one' for you. If you believe he is, I'd start making alternate choices for spending your time in enjoyable and constructive ways--you'll be less likely to resent the way he spends some free time without you if you have other interests and people you enjoy as well.

 

In your corner.

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Again so true.... we were off once from may 2008 until october 2008. We broke up bc his grandfather passed away and he was go through a lot of family drama and with his finances.

 

I guess it boils down to making a decision what I am willing to deal with and what I'm not. I love him so much..... I really do not know what to do.

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Again so true.... we were off once from may 2008 until october 2008. We broke up bc his grandfather passed away and he was go through a lot of family drama and with his finances.

 

I guess it boils down to making a decision what I am willing to deal with and what I'm not. I love him so much..... I really do not know what to do.

 

Another option to consider instead of 'my way or the highway' might be to drop your attempts to control the man's time and expand your own life beyond him. This would pull all of the pressure out of your cooker--and his. You could both just relax and date one another every once in a while.

 

The idea of monopolizing his free time is too much for anyone to live up to, and it's not healthy for you, either. He really shouldn't need to answer to anyone for what he does unless he stands you up for a date, and you should have enough interests of your own that you're not keeping tabs on him.

 

If you think about it, this could be a great relief for you. You've had this strict ideal in your head of what a relationship is 'supposed to' look like, so you've been making him the villain for not living up to that. But maybe it's not a healthy standard for anyone, including you?

 

Lots of couples only see one another a few times a month, and this works for them because they both work very long hours and have friends and family and other interests. Maybe if you can be more flexible with your views, you'll BOTH get a win?

 

In your corner.

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Thank you so much for your insight and perspective! I do have a group pd girl friends who I spend a lot of time with. I also work out a lot. In short, between work, grad school, my friends and working out I keep pretty busy. Like I said I had to take a step back and ask myself why now am I am so upset....normally it not have bothered me.

 

You are right about every relationship being different. I am going to take your advice. Calm down my little temper and relax a litte and appreciate him and our relationship for what it is. He does treat me well.

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I have been in a similar place and i have tried so hard to do what u have just said, i study a very intense double degree, work and have friends and family i hang out with, so i know im not being clingy but after youre with someone for years (4 years in my case) you sit back and think shouldnt i mean more to them after all this time...i mean if they happy not seeing you for a couple of weeks not because they really couldnt but because they chose to do other things and not invite you along then is it even worth spending your time and energy into this?

 

IMO what you describe is nice for a new relationship but once you get to know someone inside out and become bestfriends you either make them part of your life or decide theyre not the one and let go

you dont casually date them just to keep them around

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Really good points, PurpleJ. Words such as, 'option' and 'consider' are important. One size doesn't fit all. I've tried to become more flexible with my own behaviors in relationships, but in my case I was the less invested partner who resisted accountability, and my attempts to compromise were short lived failures.

 

I'm someone who feels suffocated easily when I start to sense that my free time is being monitored. When I'd make private choices to socialize without informing my partner I could feel the questioning before it even came, and this weighed me down and made me angry. Rather than fight, I'd shut down--not just in terms of communication, but my emotions would close off, and all I wanted was the door.

 

I've learned that this makes me a poor match for anyone who'd want to combine two calendars into 'ours', even while I can appreciate that desire as normal and valid for many people. When lovers have turned this into an issue, it's broken down to a take-it-or-leave-it scenario from me. Maybe I haven't loved enough, but I'm not inclined to change, and the bottom line is, I'm simply not the right match for someone who would resent this about me instead of adopt some of my independent attitudes and behaviors for himself.

 

All I can suggest to the OP, if her lover is worth an attempt at flexibility, is that change can come from her side instead of his. This doesn't imply either partner is wrong or right, it only means that trying things his way instead of automatically defaulting to her position might permit her to salvage something worthwhile.

 

In your case, you've been flexible for years yet you don't see progress toward your perfectly reasonable goals of moving closer together and not being taken for granted. My heart goes out to you, and I understand why you'd consider walking away from that.

 

The one option none of us has is to change another person.

 

In your corner.

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Thats so true!

I dont think it has to do with personality as much as with being ready.

I'm the kind of person that gets suffocated very easily as well but in regards to relationships ive come to a point in my life where i like for it to be more than it has been.

 

I think you might not just be in the right stage of your life or maybe you havent met the right person.

 

But like you said no one should have to change for someone.

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Thank you so much for your insight and perspective! I do have a group pd girl friends who I spend a lot of time with. I also work out a lot. In short, between work, grad school, my friends and working out I keep pretty busy.

 

Yes, you sure do keep busy, and I'm so glad. I can also appreciate why you'd want to fit BF into your plans wherever possible. It's not an unreasonable desire, but I think you're bumping into a power struggle, and it's smart to question rather than auto-react to it. I admire your willingness to do so, and it tells me that you love your BF very much.

 

Like I said I had to take a step back and ask myself why now am I am so upset....normally it not have bothered me.

 

Hah! Might have something to do with the timelines and demands of grad school; mine turned me into an ultra-control-freak. It put me into overdrive, and I started 'managing' the world around me. When something didn't line up straight and fly right, I'd sense a full tilt threat to my .... something. Same as you, I don't know wot. But I had to take up meditation just to unwind my mind.

 

You are right about every relationship being different. I am going to take your advice. Calm down my little temper and relax a litte and appreciate him and our relationship for what it is. He does treat me well.

 

Terrific. You've got nothing to lose, and you might gain some kind of Zen thing out of this. For all you know, you've just redirected some rote response that could have been making other parts of your life more difficult, too. Sometimes I do best when I crank down on just ONE major initial reaction. Suddenly everything starts flowing better, and I don't even have to know what I did!

 

In your corner, and my best,

Cat

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I completely understand what you are saying nad how you feel about your current situation. I am sorry to hear that you are in a boat similar to mine. The only thing is wa month ago when we had our discussion about spending more time that was the first time we have had this problem. Before he began working the second job we saw each other pretty reguarly. When he got the second job that's when things changed.

 

Since we had the discussions things have been cool and we have been seeing each other. I am conflicted to a certain extent bc in on one hand I of course want him to want to spend all of his free time with me, even if I am not necesarily available. Lol I know thts ridiculous and infair. Realistically I do realize that he SHOULD spend time with hos friends withouy me being there.....

 

Btw, when we had the issue with spending time it was not bc he was out every wkend with his friends. He would be so tired on the wkends that he would just want to sleep and lay in bed when he had free time.

 

What are you planning on doing about your situation? Just wondering out of curiosity....

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Oh and Purplej I am not palnning to casually date him. It will be 2 yrs in a few wks. Its a little to far in the game for anything casual. Lol. I meant I may need to calm myself down and appreciate the good instead of always agonizing over the bad. Also I need to really analyze wwhy is this all of a sudden making me mad. Is it stress from other areas of my life or if is it really him. But I do not plan on dating him casually. I would break up with him before I e could do that. It would be much too hard

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Cat my bf is similar to you in that he hates to feel suffocated. I know that. The more freedom thatt he FEELS that he has the more loving and accountable he acts.

 

And yes grad school is kicking my butt! I find myself with a bit of a short fuse nowadays with everyone. Even my supervisor at work! I am def stressed....

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Oh and Purplej I am not palnning to casually date him. It will be 2 yrs in a few wks. Its a little to far in the game for anything casual. Lol. I meant I may need to calm myself down and appreciate the good instead of always agonizing over the bad. Also I need to really analyze wwhy is this all of a sudden making me mad. Is it stress from other areas of my life or if is it really him. But I do not plan on dating him casually. I would break up with him before I e could do that. It would be much too hard

 

i was saying that in response to catfeeder's post..im saying that level of contact is only fine if youre "casually dating"

 

I'm planing to let go...its such a few things together and im taking my time breaking it off but its coming

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yeah he does

he has told me that he can't be in a full on relationship now..he would feel as if he is in a box so he likes to do his thing and dont feel he has to call me or anything.

Me, being so in love him said i rather be in a casual relationship than break up, now he made it clear by casual he doesnt mean he be out there seeing other or anything just that he feels he is too young to be in a proper relationship and that he thinks i need more of a "partner" than a casual bf

I guess i was in denial and he has been right all along the way

I felt bad cause he made me think i was asking for too much because im young (22) but I cant help it..ive been dating since i was 15..im done with "casual dating"

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Yes, that is really difficult. I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. I know it is rough.

 

As I have said before, my bf and i were okay until het got the second job to catch up on bills and get out of debt. That's when things changed - it has been like this for the last 3 mos. He said that he is going to quit one of the jobs towards the middle of summer. He is 30 and i do not think he has a problem with commitment. But we have another problem. Work comes before anything else in his life right now. He told me that he got tired of always beeing broke all the time and having creditors calling him to pay this or that bill. He said that one day he told himself that he was too old to not have his bills in order and have money in his savings account. I compeltely agree with him and think it is terrific that he is being so responsible about his finances. BUT it comes at the price of me being second in his life at times. And that is where my delimma comes in. He told me last night that he cannot wait for the day when he is comfortable finanacially and we can get married and buy a home together.

 

We are so far from that.....

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