heartbroken,depressed whats the point help please

[jonnyauk]

hello new here but have been lurking for a while.im from the uk but this forum seems to have great advice and help so i joined.

 

my situation is as follows i am just so low down depressed and just think whats the point i just cant get over it or let go.

 

met my wife when i was 19 i am now 36 she is 11 years older than me we been together 16 years.

 

last august she decided she wanted a break which turned out to be another way of saying its over i moved to my dads which is literally just 2 mins walk.

 

then after 5 or 6 days a friend of hers always seems to be there now this is a female friend who is a lesbian and is only 24 the wife is 47 wife denied anything was going on but i knew there was.anyways 3 months passed all i did was get so so down and then out of the blue the wife asked to go for a coffee we had a chatted she told me she had been seeing this girl and it was just a phase and it did not feel right.

 

we got back together early nov and all was great i was over the moon and the kids were chuffed to bits we went away had a great xmas then just after xmas her mood changed she started being a bit coy and it seemed like she was pushing me away. then came the i need a break for a few days so i gave her this then the texts followed no more stopping over or stuff or kissing she says she felt we rushed and just wanted to see how we get on as friends ,reluctently i agreed then 2 weeks later my mate calls me and tells me she is in the pub with this girl again well things kicked off but she still denies anything is happening.

 

i just cant face talking to her face to face and she gives me no answers at all i see my kids every couple of days

 

the thing is i just cant handle it this time i am so so heartbroken im a big lad and have lost about 5 stone in 4 months i sorely miss my kids and i miss her so so much and the strange thing is the love i have for her inside is so unreal i can see us being together forever and i want to be. sad some of you might say but i cant help it. i cant do no contact cuz i dont have strentgh and we have to text for kids and stuff.

 

i just dont know what to do i look for so many excuses to find thinking all will be ok

 

i do think it might be menopause but am not sure signs i see are

 

she is right age 47

she is dressing like a 25 year old

she goes out on the beer every weekend she never use to.

hanging round this girl 23 years younger than her.

her periods are all over the place

hair falling out

the kids tell me she is always sweating

 

she tells me its over for ever but tells the kids who knows what will happen in the future

 

thing is i just cant let go and am making myself look silly texting for a chance but all she ever says is i dont have to answer questions and i enjoy being on my own doing what i want when i want

 

im just so so down and ill now i cant take it and dont know what to do

 

sorry for going on

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I don't understand why you're willing to leave your own home when she's the one who's unhappy. I'd lawyer up and find out more about where you stand. If she's the one who's being unfaithful, you may have rights you're unaware of.

 

You might be afraid to make waves because you think that being a doormat will position you better for her return to your marriage, when it's just the opposite. There is zero advantage to 'helping' someone do what you don't want them to do. You don't need to become a monster, but you can certainly demonstrate self respect and keep yourself in your own home with your children.

 

I'd also avoid hitting the kids up for info on their mother. Not a good place to position them.

 

I hope you'll stay in touch with an update.

 

In your corner.

[The_411]

Sorry to hear this stuff but I have a strong feeling there is something psychologically wrong with your wife.

 

This might actually be a good thing. You're still young so you can meet a woman that will give you what you need.

 

The sexual orientation dysphoria is a troubling sign.

[jonnyauk]

i left cuz she asked me to and it was easier and better for the kids

 

she really does not seem herself and seems to be getting a lot of advice from single people and from this girl the kids dont know anything happened but do know they were good friends. but i know the real truth and so does the wife her mum and her sister.

 

the kids keep going on at the misses about this girl as she really is such a nasty piece of work and i think whats happening now is the wife is dropping them at school then going to hers for a bit as she will never come to the house again as she came round at xmas when we were sorting things out and she kicked off and i had to restrain her and call the police. the wife totally seen the damage this caused and the hurt so know i think she is just being sneaky about stuff and lying which was never ever her old self. she really has changed.

 

i know i should move on but she was my first ever true love and 16 years is a long time i just cannot give up on it for the fact my whole body heart and mind is full of love for her and i deeply miss the kids.

 

i can put my hand on my heart and swear on my kids lifes in 16 years not once did i ever cheat on her or even so much as kiss another women. i didnt need to cuz i had everything i wanted and was always so much in love with her.

 

i know if i start being hard and nasty never will we be together again but then i also that she knows i would walk back tomorrow.

 

i just feel so so trapped

[jonnyauk]

oh just to add i dont hit the kids for info they are just as hurt as me about all this and gladly tell me whats going on and keep a check on things

 

my little lad who is 11 just cant handle it and does go on at the wife a lot about why you done this why you done that and he tells me e says to mum all the time please can daddy come back and we be a family again and i want my dad back

 

she just says yeah i know and me and dad are trying to sort things out and see what happens but she does not tell him that that she never contacts me and she has said to move on

 

first break up she gave the old green is grass speech but i just dont think it is this i think this girl really has dug her claws in

 

i worked my ass off to try and keep our heads above water but it meant wwe could not take holidays or go out much and things got so bad when we split i had to go bankrupt

 

i never told the wife of the debts we had as i wanted her to have no worries and the kids not have to worry

 

but this girl was buying her gifts taking her out etc etc

 

she really is a nasty piece of work and has split up a couple of familes before mine she does not care one bit about anyone else

 

the wife says she is not seeing her now but there is just to much coincidence about it all

she goes to her mums once a week saying its for a break but i have found out twice now this girl has met them both in the pub and she goes back to stop at the wifes mums there all as bad as each other.

 

thing is i should be saying i deserve better than this and ill never put up or take her back

 

 

the sad truth is i would be back tomorrow and its all cuz of how i feel i knew love hurt but i dodnt realise it hurt like this.

[MrSoAndSo2009]

Take responsibility. In my opinion, this means you have to seek out a professional family/relationship therapist to help you sort out your emotions and your situation. Find one who has a good reputation (swallow your pride and ask around--there is no shame in it, and people will admire your courage).

[jonnyauk]

yeah i have already done that my work is a large worldwide company and not some little tinpot place who dont care.

 

i went to see the manager cuz its affecting my work and they have offered to sort out and pay for me to have counselling im just waiting to hear.

 

its not pride thats getting in the way its hurt and its hurting big time i cant stop crying or thinking of the good times we had and how much i miss the kids

 

im fine when they are here with me but the minute they go i go back to be a wreck and missing them and her and feeling so lonely and hurt.

 

ill admit i am a very emotional person and the fact she is my first love and i wanted to be with her forever and share my life with her and we did for 16 years hurts more than anything

 

also i get so frustrated that she wont answer any questions or talk about stuff she will text silly stuff like hi how are you the weather is bad aint it or she will tell me shes in bed watching tv or moan about the bills and how she is under so much stress like its my fault i never wanted any of this ever and when i try to mention about whats happened she just does not respond

 

its like she wants to just forget it ever happened and carry on as friends i just dont know

[MrSoAndSo2009]

Okay, you are in a tough situation and the emotions you are feeling are completely understandable. Hang in there and get the help you need from a professional. Remember, your emotional reaction is completely understandable. Who wouldn't feel the way you do in such a situation?

 

The best thing you can do for now is work on grounding yourself. Promise yourself to be strong for your children not only when you are with them but also when you are on your own. Write this down on a piece of paper, and whenever you "sway" with your emotions, reread your promise to yourself to keep yourself grounded.

 

Also, remember -- don't "bad mouth" their mother or dig for information from them (you will definitely be tempted to do this); just let them know that you and her are sorting things out, as adults must do, and you both love them very much, and it is not their fault. So often children think these problems are their fault and they will carry that baggage around for years -- you don't want that to happen.

[jonnyauk]

the kids deffo know its not their fault they have both told me they know its all their mums fault and i quote what the 11 year old said to me "she has totally ruined all our lives dad you never did anything wrong and are the best dad in the world

 

i mean i am a placid person and i can put my hand on my heart and say not once in 16 years have i ever shouted at her or raised my voice or we have never had any big arguments at all. it just all came out of the blue when this girl starting being friends a few months before her sister lives in the same close so thats how they met.

 

i just want to follow the wifes every move to prove she is lying not only to me but to the kids also if their is one thing i hate in life it is liars

 

you know i could prob cope better by knowing really whats gone on or going on and talk about the whys and ifs to the wife

 

cuz in my mind there is something just not right about it all

[MrSoAndSo2009]

I don't know enough about your situation, but I can say that your situation certainly calls for professional help, so I am glad for you that you are seeking it.

 

When I was a child, I went through something similar. I was very rational and thought I understood everything. Years later, I would realize that I had to let go of my own feelings of guilt. What I am saying is that even kids can use logic as a defense mechanism. So it is important to reassure them repeatedly even if they appear to be handling it well.

 

The hatred you are holding onto won't help, but you will have trouble seeing this right now. It will come through in all your actions, your body language, and on and on, and you won't even realize it half the time. Tracking her moves will have the opposite affect of what you intend, but I know right now these words might go in one ear and out the other. It doesn't matter if you agree; what matters is that you are open to hearing it.

 

Stay grounded and settle for nothing less than the best therapist you can afford. Your family deserves it. I think you will be fine.

[jonnyauk]

thats just it i dont hate her i totally love her so much and want her back even if she has done what she has.

 

take today for instance she has left the kids with her eldest son who still lives at home hes 26 and she has supposdly gone to the pub with her mum and then staying at her house but i know its just not the case. she will be meeting up with her no matter what she says thats a hard thing learning that your wife of 16 years who was always honest and caring can become such a big liar

 

and its not just me that has noticed the kids have and all our friends have also noticed the massive change in personality from someone who was so family orientated and caring and so so loving to this i dont care attitude ill do what i want when i want and dont have to answer to nobody. its almost like she has become a twin of this girl she is seeing and how can it ever work my kids hate her guts and there is a 24 year age gap

 

tbh i am also scared this girl has been done several times for actual bodily harm and also for drunken acts

 

she really is a nasty piece of work and very violent i worry so much something will happen to the wife when it all goes wrong

[jonnyauk]

i havenot contacted her for 2 days and she has not me and tbh its just absolutly destroyed me to the core all i seem to be doing is thinking of her night and day even if i try to keep busy i cant focus on anything else

[jonnyauk]

ok so last night the little lad rang to say goodnight as he always does and she asked to speak and asked how i was and talked about her visit to the hospital to be honest what can i do.

 

no contact is so so hard when you got kids and only live round the corner from each other.

 

but every time i talk to her it destroys me inside cuz i want her back so so much yet she still wont talk about stuff.

 

i just dont know what to do

[Pixiedoc]

It doesn't sound like the menopause to me, more like a mid life crisis, but the other symptoms are worrying - particularly in view of the fact that this new girl seems to be such a bad influence.

 

There is nothing you can do at the moment except be a calming and stable influence in your children's lives. They will probably be angry and confused at the moment and need to know you are there for them.

 

Another thing - in the UK you are entitled to regular and reasonable contact with your children - I strongly suggest that in addition to trying couselling you get an appointment with a solicitor, as your ex's behaviour is troubling as well as not very responsible. If your children hate the new woman it is also not good parenting to force her on them and they may vote with their feet sooner rather than later. Try and be there for them despite how badly you are hurting.

[jonnyauk]

i am only round the corner literally at my fathers so i see the kids every single night from 5ish to 7 then have them all day saturday and they come round for a bit on sundays its all thats keeping me going at the minute.

 

we broke up first time and this girl was on the scene then always being with wife i never told the kids what really happened and neither has the wife

 

but this time she has a whole new method

 

she told me things were not the same and told the kids she was never going to be friends with this girl again cuz she came round at xmas causing so so much trouble i had to be physical with her she is like a bloke and it scared the kids so much.

 

so now the ex is saying to them i promise i am not seeing her but this girl just lives round the corner so what is happening is she is dropping the kids off at school then going round there for a few hours

 

then once a week she goes out drinking with her and they both stay at her mums, the ex mum is a real devious piece of work also

 

between this girl giving her all the i love you spiel when she is 23 years younger than the wife and her mum saying being on your own is great and her sister saying your as free as a bird to do what you want when you want.

 

what flipping chance do i have i cant be nasty cuz i am just not that kind of person and feel if she is going through some kind of crisis then me going off on one could ruin any chance ever.

 

this is really one messed up situation my kids think i ruined it last time cuz i was always worried but they dont know why.

 

the wife started hiding her phone and popping off for the night like she used to. i know i should be thinking im glad im out of this.

 

but i cant cuz of the pure fact i know this is not my normal wife she has changed so so much and the way she is acting is so different

[bacci]

Sounds like a crisis like the above poster said. you have said that if you go off on her you'r ruin any chances, I think you might be right. Another poster has adviced you to be calm, collected and strong for your children who need at least one parent to be stable. You really don't want the kids to assign blame to a parent, they should stay out of this even though her behavior and the separation affect them, even if in your heart you feel she is in the wrong, please don't put your kids in the position to judge her, even if you did not insitgate this insist that the kids respect their mom and not judge her, its to easy to judge and the terrible thing is that even if it mkes you feel validated its a horrible burden on the kids.

Back to your marriage, I know it hurts. I know its hard. i have been divorced for over a year an a half, separated for three years, now my ex husband and I are back together. It took a lot of patience, a lot of understanding and a lot of forgiveness. There were multiple attempts at reconciliation, and then things would fall apart again. so my advice to you is, hang in there, do not act impulsively, trust that things are not resolved immediately and that your wife might be so right in saying this is a phase, so maybe the process isn't over. She has to go thorugh something. i'm not saying you need to accept everything I'm saying things will not settle in your own time, but in their own time. if you can't hold yourself together and have reasonable, civil converstations and offer to work things out then you might as well just go get divorced, but this is not what you really want.

I think it would be healthy to enlist all the help you can get to maintain your head, talk to therapists, avoid interacting with this other woman or the mother so that you don't ever lose your temper, i sympathize with you but no act of violence is justified. I think you know that , don't make atters worse. If she claims she is not seeing the other woman, take it face value, yes, get prepared for a divorce, but give her the benefit of doubt. It cannot all be another woman, she is going thorugh something. once you regain your peace of mind you might be able to handle things different with your wife, then when things are calm between you both, that would be th time to bring up reconciliation, for now don't put any pressure. Try to have good times with the children, be friendly to her, do not interrogate her, give her some space, but be friendly, do not enlist the kids against her either, try to have good family times that she might feel tempted to join, just like on Christmas but remember no pressure.

And be calm, she still has feeligs for you or she wouldn't have tried last December. Hang in there, see the therapist.

[jonnyauk]

she has not said its a phase she is in total denial and she says nothing is wrong with her although i can show you 20 people who say she has changed big time.she wont talk at all all she wants to talk about is the weather and to tell me if she has no money or if i can give the kids dinner cuz she is going out.

 

i seriously do sometimes feel like its handy for her me being round the corner and she has got everything she wants.

 

she has given me nothing really in the sense of an explination.

 

we got on great at xmas for 2 months then it was just out of the blue again and then i found out it coincided with when this girl started texting her.

 

as for getting back i think its just one way i really dont know.

 

one week she says we will never be a couple again ever and then the next its i dont want you then after that its who knows what the future will bring.

 

now its a the stage if i ask anything she will just ignore my text but if i text about kids then i get a reply or she will expect me to reply within like ten mins if she texts me.

 

what hurts is the fact she is lying to the kids its gutting me so so much.

 

im not an angry or violent person never ever did we argue in 16 years and never did my lips touch another womans.

 

i have no freinds left cuz i let them go when i was with her

i never go out cuz i have no friends

i have nobody to talk to

im just all alone and cant handle it im in tears now just writing this

 

its totally destroys me every night my little boys go home

[MrSoAndSo2009]

bacci has given you some great advice. I suggest taking it to heart. You want to vent, and that is ok. Just keep it away from the children.

 

So often a caring individual like yourself gives up too much of your own identity for a relationship. Find yourself again, and try to let go of the "emotional salad" as much as you can, so that you can ground yourself with dignity.

 

Keep grounded and remember that you will see the therapist soon. Those are your objectives for the time being.

 

Beyond that, it sounds like you need to work on yourself when you are not with her and not with your kids. Reconnect with your extended family if you can for support. This is good for you and sets a good example for your family. Also, ask your therapist if you can also attend group therapy, as well. You will be amazed at how much you can gain and there is really nothing to lose.

 

In the mean time, even if you have to sign up for a dance class or something -- whatever it takes to distract yourself so that you can be grounded and have other things to think about.

 

I'll tell you one thing -- this woman is not going to listen to persuasion, guilt trips, or any kind of logic right now. Accept that for the time being and guide your actions accordingly.

 

If you need to vent, let it all out right here.

[Siberia]

Dear jonnyuk,

 

Well you are in a mindboggling situation. People have given you some great advise here. There are 3 things you have to focus on in the short term 1) Stabilize yourself emotionally--for your sake and your kids. Use professional help as people have suggested 2) don't be your wife's handyman and don't talk to her about anything, anything at all, not about TV shows, not about weather, not about marriage. Nothing. 3)Don't try to repair the marriage now. It is too early and it will backfire. I will just elaborate a bit on the three points.

 

1. You cannot do anything right unless you are emotionally stable. This is what worked well for me after I was shattered by a break-up. I left the city for 15 days and that helped tremenduously. Luckily, it was a business trip for me. See if your company can send you away for a while, since it is a global firm. Do it for yourself. You cannot take care of your kids until you are one whole piece. So don't think you shouldn't travel because of your kids. Once you are back from the assignment, work with your therapist. Take classes, make new friends, do whatever it takes to get back on your feet. Right now, you are completely at the mercy of your wife's behavior. This is unhealthy for you.

 

2) don't be there for your wife. Not right now. She will only use your presence to go about her merry ways. Don't be her safety net. Be there for your kids. Your love for her should not become your weakness. STOP talking to her. And until you have regained your emotional sanity with the help of a therapist (who will help you understand her behavior) and until he tells you the best way to approach her next, refrain from contacting her. If she takes the phone from your son to talk to you, just hang up. You cannot do a complete NC because of kids, but restrict your interactions to matters about kids. No more.

 

3) Accept the fact that there is no short-term solution. Your wife is determined to live out a certain fantasy life she has in her head. Call it mid-life crisis, call it intense boredom with marriage. Whatever. The fact that you have been a good, faithful husband matters nothing to her at this point. The more you will guilt-trip her, the more she will run away. forget all of that. Don't run after her with arguments, threats or pleadings. Let this matter run its own course. Don't control her.

 

All the best and really, be a man and stop crying.

 

 

[jonnyauk]

i have tried to stop crying i cant help it it just happens im so so emotional right now

 

my phone credit ran out today so have decided not to top it up then i cant text her

 

heard a bit of good news today one of the friends that gives her all this good advice and is always there for her (not the lesbian girl) got evicted from her home today and she only lived next door but one so hopefully she wont be on the scene much now.

 

have arranged a 10 day holiday down by the sea at my mums this sunday my little lad who is 11 asked if he could come as its school holidays so i said yes i think the break will do him good aswell and i always feel so much better when my kids are around me.

[Siberia]

Hey, the holiday is a great news. You need to physically remove yourself from the scene of disaster.

 

As for crying, sometimes it does in a self-feeding cycle and makes you feel like your are the unluckiest person in the world. Cry if you feel like, but don't cry in front of her.

[jonnyauk]

i dont cry in front of her cuz we never see or speak to each other thats the prob all we ever do is text and its never about anything important i dont go round there cuz i cant face it and she wont talk anyway

 

its like she just wants to be mates and pretend nothing ever happened between us and we never had a relationship

 

its almost as if she knows she has done wrong and is trying to blame me and also steer the guilt away from her and her way of closing up shop is a way of not having to disclose what is going on.