Striker17 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 I was at a club with a couple friends last night and I was having a great time. At some point, a girl who's a friend of my friend's brother motions at me to come rescue her from another guy. I hadn't really spoken to her much, and I only met her that night, so I took it as an open invitation to start the whole flirting process. We danced and talked for the rest of the night. She seemed a bit uncomfortable whenever I'd touch her. Like when I'd put my arms around her shoulder, etc... But she didn't ask me to stop, and she eventually seemed to not mind. At one point, she goes to the bathroom with one of her girlfriends, and so I start talking to the guy who's been with her (the girlfriend) all night. He tells me that her girlfriend told him that the girl I was hanging out with already has a boyfriend. I was a bit annoyed, but I figured that if she hadn't mentioned him at all, that I still had some chance with her. They return, and say that it's getting late, so they're going to leave. I ask her for her number, and she just says "Oh, sorry, I'm not on the market. I have a boyfriend. I didn't realize that you were interested in me, I thought you were just having fun. I didn't mean to waste your time tonight, but don't worry, you're a great person, and a great dancer. I'm sure you'll find someone else." What annoys me is that I could have spent the night with ANY other girl at the club, but by the time this happened, most people had already left. Any attractive girl that was still in there was already with another guy. Is it not common knowledge that guys generally don't go out dancing "to just have fun?" I mean, it IS a good time, but if they're not there with a significant other, they're looking to pick up. And honestly, she could have at least set me up with one of her friends earlier on. Am I wrong for thinking this? Or am I right and she really was being naive. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 She really wasn't all that concerned with whether you found a woman or not. Link to comment
Striker17 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 She really wasn't all that concerned with whether you found a woman or not. I'm well aware that it doesn't affect her at all. But I'm pretty sure that it falls under common courtesy to not lead a guy on like that. Link to comment
gidget1 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 I find it hard to believe that she had NO idea you were interested in her, however I can be a bit daft sometimes too and not notice when a guy is being friendly as opposed to flirting. Maybe she was considering cheating on her boyfriend? Or didn't know how to tell you that she had a boyfriend? Or maybe she was just enjoying the attention Link to comment
Perfect Dark Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 No offense but I really don't think she was leading you on. I think she didn't know how to tell you to stop being touchy feely. Link to comment
laisla Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 it happens. she wasted your time, but she wasn't thinking of your time when you were hanging out with her. she just went with the flow, and was not honest. Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Why can't men and women go out, meet someone, have a few laughs, have a dance and then go home to their own beds without exchanging numbers??? Sounds to me like you went out there with a plan to get laid, whether the girl had a bf or not, and you failed. I think this girl has a lot more respect than you give her credit for. I don't think she is naive, I think she is very smart for not being used as a one night stand. Link to comment
Perfect Dark Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Why can't men and women go out, meet someone, have a few laughs, have a dance and then go home to their own beds without exchanging numbers??? Sounds to me like you went out there with a plan to get laid, whether the girl had a bf or not, and you failed. I think this girl has a lot more respect than you give her credit for. I don't think she is naive, I think she is very smart for not being used as a one night stand. I agree with this! Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 She seemed a bit uncomfortable whenever I'd touch her. Like when I'd put my arms around her shoulder, etc... But she didn't ask me to stop, But you didn't stop anyway and ignored her discomfort. You were told she had a bf, but decided that because She didn't mention him she was definitely "up" for it. IMO, you had all the signs you weren't going to get anywhere and decided to ignore them. She wasn't being naive, you were. Link to comment
COtuner Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 But you didn't stop anyway and ignored her discomfort. You were told she had a bf, but decided that because She didn't mention him she was definitely "up" for it. IMO, you had all the signs you weren't going to get anywhere and decided to ignore them. She wasn't being naive, you were. Agreed. Plus if there was some acquaintance relationship established, she probably thought you were just one of her extended group of friends having a good time. Maybe guys go there alone to hook up, but not all women go out to hook up. Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 But you didn't stop anyway and ignored her discomfort. You were told she had a bf, but decided that because She didn't mention him she was definitely "up" for it. IMO, you had all the signs you weren't going to get anywhere and decided to ignore them. She wasn't being naive, you were. At the end of the day no woman should feel obligated to go home with a man or give out her number because they buy her a drink and laughs at her jokes. When you said that all the attractive ones had been taken by the end of the night so you felt like you'd wasted your time.... Do you have any idea how misogynistic that sounds? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 At the end of the day no woman should feel obligated to go home with a man or give out her number because they buy her a drink and laughs at their jokes. Exactly. In my experience though, women flirt because it's fun. Men flirt because they think it's a promise*. (*Not all of them, but enough to irritate me.) Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Exactly. In my experience though, women flirt because it's fun. Men flirt because they think it's a promise*. (*Not all of them, but enough to irritate me.) Exactly! The night I met my ex he wasn't all over me, he was the perfect gentleman. He said at the end of the night, "I'd love to see you again, but if I don't then I can walk away knowing I have had the best night of my life." And yes, I swooned! Link to comment
secretness87 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 But you didn't stop anyway and ignored her discomfort. You were told she had a bf, but decided that because She didn't mention him she was definitely "up" for it. IMO, you had all the signs you weren't going to get anywhere and decided to ignore them. She wasn't being naive, you were. I agree with this too. I think the OP should have immediately backed off after he was told that the girl had a boyfriend and should have looked elsewhere.. and not to keep pursuing the same girl. It was obvious she wasn't interested from the start if she felt discomfort by him touching her. Link to comment
Lusif Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 How desperate are you? She obviously wasn't sure if you were just being platonic, or flirting, so figured it might sound a bit arrogant if she just said, "Stop touching me, I've got a boyfriend". Why would she cheat on her boyfriend anyway, especially with a guy who goes sharking? It doesn't sound like she gave off any signals, but you didn't care. She didn't get angry with you because she was probably just trying to make friends with you. Sounds like you just wanted to get off with any girl willing to put out, and she was obviously above all that cr*p. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 I'm well aware that it doesn't affect her at all. But I'm pretty sure that it falls under common courtesy to not lead a guy on like that. She was enjoying the attention, it was cruddy I agree. Link to comment
Striker17 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 First of all, I found out that she has a boyfriend about 10 minutes before she left the place with her friends. I didn't exactly invest much time into her after the fact. And who says that I was going for a one night stand? I would have gladly dated her. She's a great person, and we had a good time together. I never said that she should be obligated to go home with me. Or to give me her number. I'm just saying that she should have at least let me know that it wasn't going anywhere from the beginning. It would then be up to me whether I wanted to pursue her or not, knowing fully that she had a significant other. Why can't men and women go out, meet someone, have a few laughs, have a dance and then go home to their own beds without exchanging numbers??? Sounds to me like you went out there with a plan to get laid, whether the girl had a bf or not, and you failed. I think this girl has a lot more respect than you give her credit for. I don't think she is naive, I think she is very smart for not being used as a one night stand. I have absolutely no problem with people having a good time. But as far as I'm concerned, my intentions were fairly clear, and she should have done a better job making hers as well. I have no problem with being turned down, I have a problem with being lead on. But you didn't stop anyway and ignored her discomfort. Yes, some girls aren't always immediately comfortable with guys who are touchy-feely, but it doesn't mean that they don't want it either. That doesn't mean that the guy should necessarily stop immediately. She could have simply told me "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." That line, with a friendly smile, is all I need to stop. Considering that she continued to hang out with me for the rest of the night while I continued to be all touchy, what was I supposed to think? Exactly! The night I met my ex he wasn't all over me, he was the perfect gentleman. He said at the end of the night, "I'd love to see you again, but if I don't then I can walk away knowing I have had the best night of my life." I'd also like to believe that I was being a gentleman. We had great conversation, and a really fun time. What's so ungentlemanly about trying to go for more than just one good night? Sounds like you just wanted to get off with any girl willing to put out, and she was obviously above all that cr*p. Trust me, if I had "just wanted to get off with any girl willing to put out," then I would have easily found someone. But the fact is that I was looking for a girl who I'm actually attracted to, one who's smart, beautiful, and can actually hold a good conversation. Link to comment
Lusif Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Okay, sounds like we all judged you a bit. But until a guy makes a solid move (trying to kiss, asking for number etc.) we don't really know whether he's after sex or not. I've had guys with girlfriends and gay guys seemingly flirt with me, then I find out they're attached/gay and feel a bit embarrassed for thinking they were after me! But generally, you can usually tell if a girl's into you or not, it's an intuitive thing. Some girls will get with guys just for the ego boost, they're not actually attracted to them (I used to be like that, to a certain extent) - but I imagine it's obvious they're not interested in you as a person. Link to comment
Striker17 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 Okay, sounds like we all judged you a bit. But until a guy makes a solid move (trying to kiss, asking for number etc.) we don't really know whether he's after sex or not. I've had guys with girlfriends and gay guys seemingly flirt with me, then I find out they're attached/gay and feel a bit embarrassed for thinking they were after me! But generally, you can usually tell if a girl's into you or not, it's an intuitive thing. Some girls will get with guys just for the ego boost, they're not actually attracted to them (I used to be like that, to a certain extent) - but I imagine it's obvious they're not interested in you as a person. I'm pretty sure that she WAS actually into me. Had we met under different circumstances (ie: She wasn't already taken), I'm sure she'd gladly be interested in seeing me some more. I used to be completely socially inept, and I had to learn these things the hard way. I'm pretty good at reading girls now. In the end, I really only lost out on one night's worth of "work." I mean, at least I had a good time, but I was looking for just a bit more. You know what they say: There are plenty of fish in the sea. I'm going out next weekend, hopefully I'll find someone else. Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 It's not as easy as all that to just turn around and state 'oh sorry, I have a boyfriend'. If you found it hard to read her intentions then she might have been finding it just as hard to read how interested exactly you were, and unless you leaned in for a kiss then she might have felt like she'd be overreacting to jump back and shout 'oh no I have a man already!' just because you put your arm round her. You two had a good time, had a few drinks, it's a shame you can't take it any further but hey, if she ever breaks up with her boyfriend then she might remember you as a guy she had a good evening with. Don't judge her too harshly when she might have been simply unsure how to bring up her boyfriend without sounding like she was telling you to get lost entirely. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 To be honest, my impression is that if a girl motions to "rescue" her and she isn't a close friend who you know is platonic, that's a pretty good sign that the chick has issues. I've seen so many girls use this as a means to get attention and play. Why would a man react to it? Sorry to be so blunt but am I the only one who cringes when she sees that? Don't you at least require that a woman talk to you face to face to show interest? It sends two signals in my opinion that adds up to "steer the heck clear". One is a sign of potential interest when you don't really know this person and you are in a club and she's a woman and you are a man. The other is that she has trouble just saying "no" herself in situations that are uncomfortable. So if she didn't want your attention later, would she usher someone else in to rescue her? Really. Maybe the message was sent down the grapevine for her that she had a bf on her request. Then she sent the message that she has trouble speaking up for herself again by acting uncomfortable yet not telling you why and not doing anything to remedy it. So not trying to bash anyone or anything, but she gave you lots of signs this probably wouldn't go from the beginning. Next time you don't have to waste time trying to guess and just pushing forward: avoid the girls who don't speak up and show spine easily! The club is the easiest place to be blunt. Just my humble opinion. Link to comment
laisla Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 i bet you anything she did know that you were interested in her. while she went off with her gf to the bathroom i bet she told her about you and thus they wanted to go home then. it's obvious. Link to comment
lila... Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 This is why I think guys should be open about their intentions from the very beginning, all this confusion would be avoided. Sometimes it's hard to know whether a guy is romantically interested or just wants to have fun as friends. Link to comment
servedcold Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 This is why I think guys should be open about their intentions from the very beginning, all this confusion would be avoided. . "Hi, I'm servedcold and am interested in you romantically!" Why should a man have to decide what his intentions are until he spends some time with a woman? He doesn't KNOW her yet. Women aren't expected to do this, men shouldn't be either. Hilarious how many women want to give this exclusively involved woman a total pass to go out and flirt with several men she meets, play the damsel in distress and seek "rescue," sop up all the attention (and likely free drinks) she possibly can, then once she's had her attention fix for the night and a free buzz, blithely pull out the BF line when asked for a number. Totally cool behavior, right ladies? OP has no gripe at all being blatantly used like this, does he? Pffft. Link to comment
lila... Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 "Hi, I'm servedcold and am interested in you romantically!" Why should a man have to decide what his intentions are until he spends some time with a woman? He doesn't KNOW her yet. Women aren't expected to do this, men shouldn't be either. Well it's not always assumed that when a guy approaches a girl, he's out for one thing. Mmm I guess I'm the naive one. I've embarrassed myself before by saying, "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend." and his reply was, "Oh I wasn't interested in you that way." Either way, we can't win! What's a girl to do. Link to comment
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