When Your Ex Hates You but you Love them and would do ANYTHING

[Just Me85]

K in my previous threads you will have heard my complicated story about a boy. My boy. He left me 2 weeks ago because I confessed about my past. He has all the times and dates wrong and in his mind I cheated on him even though at time he had told me he didnt want a girlfriend. I fell so in love with him. When he finally asked me out I was so happy I cried. But I also confessed something in my past which he found very hard to get over but nonetheless we were together a year and a half after this.

 

He has always had trust issues but loved me very much. Recently we had an argument and he was asking all sorts of questions about the past so I told him about another incident which happened almost two years ago, while I was seeing him but I had felt he didnt take me seriously so proceeded to have a one night stand.

 

When he found out 2 weeks ago he refused to talk to me. His mum has kept in touch with me and he found this out and text me Thursday saying :

 

"Leave me and my family alone. I hate you and I hate that I love you. I will NEVER forgive you. Goodbye my (name) I wish you had chosen me but instead you chose eaningless sex over our love. I would have done anything to stop you but couldnt."

 

I called him and he was hysterical shouting and crying. Calling me selfish calling me every name under the sun. He shouted he hates me and will never forgive me. That I made my choice when I "cheated" and threw our love away. He was crying. I kept saying I love him and he kept calling me a liar. Screamed to leave him alone. Said that because of my actions I killed the love and our lives will never be the same. The worst part is when he said:

 

"Because of you both of us will end up just settling for someone who is nice. You threw me away we were soulmates we will never feel the same about anyone again. I will never forget you but I hate you so much your a Call me again and Ill get the police on you. LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

He is in so much pain. I feel we were meant to be together and I took it for granted so early in the relationship. He also revealed that I was his first which I as unaware of.

 

I guess what my question is, is....

 

Has an ex ever said such nasty hateful things after being hurt and still came back eventually? Or do you think he truly means what he says? That he really does hate me?

 

I know I hurt him and I miss him terribly. I feel we are meant to be together. Obviously Im not going to try and get in touch anymore for the time being because I need to leave him alone. Do you think he will ever break NC?

[Hope75]

I'm afraid that your best bet is to respect his wishes and leave him alone. If you did in fact, cheat on him, you cannot expect him to forgive you and take you back if he cannot or does not want to, and it's pretty clear that's not what he wants right now.

 

I would leave him alone and do your best to learn from your mistakes.

[rocketscience]

Hi, I agree that leaving your boyfriend alone right now is a good idea. Give him some space & take some yourself. I think it's the best idea not to chase him right now, it will have the opposite results of what you want. Got great advice at link removed, really. You might want to check that out too. Good luck!

[Hunny1607307342]

Hey...i didn't do what you did, but the way me and my ex ended was pretty much the same. He was just as mad as your ex, and everything your saying just sounds so familiar, everything i went through.

 

He was INFURIATED. I thought he could never ever forgive me. EVER. I kept trying, calling, texting. But you know what? The harder you try, the worse it gets. So take it from me. LET IT GO. Let it go.

 

Time heals. He is only so hurt because you mean so much to him.

 

But 6 months later my ex came back to me -not for a relationship (well maybe in the future, who knows)- but just to see how i am and he started being friendly with me again. I was white as a ghost when i recieved a text from him. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had lost all hope that i'd ever hear from him again. Don't get me wrong- he never simply forgot what happened, but it is so far at the back of his mind that he was able to re-establish a rapport with me.

 

I'm not saying you should retain hope and count on the months to come, but i should thought i'd share my experience with you and let you know that even if time doesn't undo what happened, it can make it better.

[Greggie]

Honestly, and everyone might disagree with me on this, but I think he WILL forgive you. His name-calling, cruel words and "hatred" for you is really only a sign of his love, however contradicting it may sound. He obviously loves you a great deal, and therefore he is immensely hurt, which translates into anger. BUT, he did say that you two were soulmates and that because of your mistake you both would end up settling. Seriously, I don't think he's gonna choose to settle just because of this mistake in your past. Yes, you did sleep with someone else, but it wasn't cheating, and it was only because he didn't want a girlfriend. Is that really so horrible that he is going to pass up his soulmate and instead settle for someone just "nice" because of it? If he really believes you are soulmates, I believe that once his fury with you calms down, he will be willing to try and move past this. In regards to your title, saying that your ex hates you - trust me, nothing is further from the truth. As far as I can see he is madly in love with you. Don't lose hope; I think he will find himself willing to forgive you. If he truly loves you (and it truly seems he does), he will not be willing to lose you over this. Hope I am right! Keep us updated.

[Just Me85]

I sincerely hope so Greggie. Since then he has turned up unannounced on my doorstep (I still dont know why). But he very quickly got upset and angry again and told me he hates me (again). He cried and wouldnt let me hug him and then he said "I hope this has all been worth it" and then he walked away after saying he just wanted to tell me he loves me and hates me one last time.

 

I really think hes gone forever but Im having trouble admitting that to myself because I truly love him and BELIEVE we are meant to be.

 

Ive decided not to contact him until he contacts me. I was thinking of waiting a month or two and if Ive heard nothing to maybe try and break NC.

 

I wish there was more I could do I feel so hopeless.

[Greggie]

I think the fact that he showed up on your doorstep proves that he is too in love with you to let you go. He does not mean it when he says he hates you; it is just his anger speaking. And even when he said, "Leave me alone. Don't call me or I'll call the police", he obviously didn't mean that since he had since then shown up at your doorstep. I know that I have acted like him in similar situations when I have found out terrible things my boyfriend has done. I have said, "I hate you", "I will never forgive you", "Don't ever call me again", but then actually ended up calling HIM when he actually respected my "wishes". Because I was too in love with him to let him go and it was just my instant anger speaking. At the moment I said it, I truly meant it, and truly meant that we were over forever, but once I started calming down, I realized I was not willing to let him go. I think the situation is the same with your boyfriend.

[Just Me85]

I hope so. Thanks for your kind words. I miss him so much!

[Ms Darcy]

You have the right idea by not contacting him.

 

To get your mind off of him, you need to focus on your own interests, friends, and hobbies. Trying to read his mind or guess how he feels is unproductive and takes the focus off of your healing.

 

I think you also need to get some clarity on the not so great things here. He's acting immaturely (so say the least) what with only wanting you for the physical at the beginning and then how he has treated you verbally. Now's the time to be honest with yourself. If you feel you must think about him, evaluate him truthfully and list the challenges in your former relationship.

[Just Me85]

Update:

 

Its been a week since he showed up at my house, and havnt heard anything since. At the weekend I started to grieve properly for the first time and had a few tears. I havnt tried to contact him, part of me really really wants to but then I just get scared and tell myself not to because Ill only get hurt by his responses (or lack of).

 

I miss him more and more every day. Ive started going to an old hangout every day at my lunchbreak. Its eerily peaceful and I find it quite calming. Its an old bench on the cliffs that look out to sea, its very beautiful.

 

Everyday I sit there hoping maybe Ill turn around and he will be there. I know he wont and in a way I think it helps me having that little bit of disappointment because it makes everything real and calm.

 

Had a bit of a setback yesterday and started blogging but decided to remove them after panicking he might see but not feeling too bad today.

 

Its been over a week now and I feel he must still not want anything to do with me. I dont want him to hate me and maybe this is his way of reaching indifference.

 

Is it weird that indifference to me is so much scarier than the hate?

I know he will need a lot more time but am I waiting for a lost cause?

 

I feel I should stick to NC as ive heard it will get easier over time, but its a constant battle. When you love somebody however hard you try, that love will not die.

 

I wonder if he will ever appear again. I look out of my window everyday wishing.

 

ARG.

 

Any advice on any action I should take now? Or am I best to stick it out?

[Just Me85]

So it has been 4 weeks today since he turned up on my doorstep and Ive not heard a peep

 

I mainly stuck to no contact although I posted some of his Dvds with a note and tried once to call him but it got rejected.

 

I think he's really gone forever.

 

Thanks for your support

[Waiting4forever]

I believe he will forgive you. It took 6 months of NC with my Ex , and then she just randomly called me. I thought Id never hear from her ever again. Hes hurt and he needs time. Life is very unpredictable. YOu dont know whats going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next.

[Just Me85]

Thanks, I hope your right.

 

Did you ever get back together with your ex? Did you do something to hurt her and make her go NC?

 

I guess Im looking for similar situations

 

x

[Waiting4forever]

the NC was mutual because we both hurt each other.(A very complicated situation) After I moved back in with my dad (I was living in Ventura with her at the time) we really didnt want anything to do with each other, but it was extremely hard for me and her as well. I thought I would never see or hear from her ever again, but then she just randomly called me after 6 months. It was very unexpected. We did get back together for a little while but it wasnt really the same. But I forgave her and she forgave me. We have a deep deep connection and even though I may find someone else or if she does, she will always be a part of my life in one way or another because I truly believe that she is my other half. And who knows what the future will bring, ya know? But I really do have a feeling that he will forgive you. And if hes you're soulmate, he'll come back into your life one way or another.

[Just Me85]

Thankyou.

 

I just truly love him so much. Ive tried the whole healing thing and getting angry, going out with friends and sometimes Ill feel almost okay, and then late at night when I try to sleep it comes back.

 

I just try my best to have faith.

[Tanzi]

He is obviously very very hurt. It is this hurt that has made him say hateful things but he doesn't hate you. He hates the way he feels. However, we wouldn't feel this hurt or this hate if we didn't actually love the person. He loved you very much which is why it was so hard on him.

 

I think you will hear from him but he needs time. Time to heal. Maybe the timing wasn't right before.

[rustam]

Don't worry, I'm also going through the same situation. It's been now 1 month since I have not contacted my ex. He indicated that he needed 3 months to get over all our drama. I feel better and have more confidence in myself after only 1 month! Hang in there and honestly expect that something good will happen!

[user123123]

Hey Just Me85, I want to send you a private message because I'm in a very similar situation. I even got 5 posts so I could do it but private messaging is still disabled.

 

Edit: It has been enabled! I will send you a PM soon.

[jettison]

His pride and ego are wounded. It takes some people a week to get over that, some a month, and some never will. It's also true that once you've blown up at someone like that that it's hard to go back. You feel like you've shown your true colors now, your real emotions coupled with the severity of those emotions, and it makes your more vulnerable still. Hence, he's going to have a very, very hard time wanting to be around someone that makes him feel so vulnerable when he's clearly hurt by your past together.

 

Basically, this isn't on you. He loves you so it will be up to him to either prove that to be true or else let his ego rule the day and stay safe and out of harms way. Once a person feels cheated though, it's hard for anyone to get past it.

 

Regarding the hurtful things he's said... that's his pride showing. The severity of those emotions will lessen over time, and if he grows up a little more, they will get to the point where he can manage them and see you again.

 

Good luck.