Feel unable to fall

[Nixee]

A year ago, I fell in love with someone who couldn't or probably more accurately wouldn't love me back... who had walls up (still does), and crushed me. This came after the long healing process of getting over my ex who I'd been with for a very long time who'd left me for someone else.

 

Each time I've opened up and loved with all my heart, I've ended up with nothing.... which sounds like such a basic complaint. I know you just gotta get up and dust yourself off and keep trying, right?

 

But the trouble is... lately... I honestly am finding that I don't know how. Now, MY walls are up.

 

I can feel the initial attraction, and the thrill of the chase... but if someone has a genuine interest in pursuing something meaningful with me, or having a real loving relationship... I feel on guard. And I sit constantly and question myself... wondering why can't I fall? Why my initial lust/attraction/chase feelings won't move forward into the next step.

 

And then on the opposite side of things, if it is a guy I meet who is like me, and he pulls back first, leaving me still in the thrill of the chase.. then *I* will feel hurt and disappointed and wonder if there was potential there. (But for all I know, if I'd caught him, I might not have wanted him anyways).

 

I don't know why I do this now. I close off. I feel like I can't love, and I certainly hope it isn't the case.

 

Right now I am seeing someone new who last night asked me how I was feeling about "us"... and I just froze... didn't know how to answer that except to say "I have to take things one step at a time."

 

I honestly don't know how to tell the difference anymore between just not feeling enough for someone, or actively and unnecessarily pushing them away. I had a crush on this man before he asked me out... I was excited about things.. happy.. I felt things were going well... and suddenly I feel I am clamming up and finding reasons to self-sabotage. I have a little list in my mind of things I maybe would change about him or have him do differently, or whatever... but I even know and recognize that it is petty and stupid stuff... it feels like me panicking and looking for reasons to be cold and shut off rather than get closer.

 

Is it going to take the right person to bring my walls down? Or is this something I just have to make the effort to do myself? Can anyone relate?

 

The first time I was really really burned and lost my love, I felt so relieved when I fell in love again... REALLY in love... just to know that I could still feel that way. But now... I just feel jaded and kind of empty. Hardened. Like I'm going through the motions. I'm comfortable in my new relationship, and peaceful... but I don't feel giddy, I don't feel butterflies, and my heart just isn't in it like it could or should be, and I want that.

[mentee]

i can relate ...

i also think it will take a special man to make you feel differently and perhaps the one you're with just isn't the kind of guy to make you feel the way you want to (but that's just my opinion, perhaps it's you and not him) ...

i recommend reading "he's scared, she's scared" and "journey of the heart" by jon welwood (best book i've ever read) .. i know you will be able to open your heart up again ..

the good news if that you have insight and awareness .. change will happen for you, so i'm not very worried about you (:

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't be too quick to diagnose yourself with some weird disorder or something. Hah! I think it's more in line with, "Welcome to your maturity." or, "Hey! When did my magic wand stop working?"

 

It's actually not bad news, it's just kind of like eating from the tree of knowledge--you can never go back. It's not that you can't fall, it's just not the quick and easy nosedive we all used to take when we were kids.

 

You're maturing, you've been through a few ringers, and you're not so quick to throw yourself around anymore. You're discovering you can't 'play' at love by forcing yourself to feel what you plain don't--and glamming someone up by your old sliding standards doesn't work for you any more, either. You're reaching for a whole new brand of carrots, adopting new habits, applying more discretion than you ever have before.

 

It's also reasonable to be disappointed sometimes when someone doesn't give you enough of a chance. You're just not accustomed to that, because you've outgrown your old sandbox and aren't putting out the old paste-on personality to attract superficiality anymore. Or at least when you try to do that, it doesn't work. You've graduated. You've stopped attracting guys who want innocent baffle-ability. You're making room for people who are less interested in salesmanship, and more inclined to look for substance and depth. Without knowing it, you've adopted a screening process for men who should pass early. Your brain will catch up with your mind soon enough, but meanwhile it just feels like you've lost some mojo.

 

Good news is, if we were meant to fall in love with everyone who ranks as 'a good person' there would be nothing special about it.

 

Head high, and in your corner.

[pinkrobot]

I can relate, which is why I unfortunately can't give you advice...

 

I don't feel like I've lost the ability to love...I can still fall just as easily as ever...but I feel like I've lost the ability to have faith that love will last. When I am in love now, I always find SOME way to convince myself that the other person will never love me forever. It's hard, and I really do just have to take things one day at a time.

 

I just try and remind myself (it's so hard, though) that just because one person harmed me and affected me that way doesn't mean everyone else is the same...if that was the case no one would ever end up happy in a relationship. It's tough to think of it that way, though. I hope things get better for you!

[Ms Darcy]

This sounds like a challenge you've had for a while.

 

I hate to say this, but from looking at myself and seeing my friends, it seems like we need our hearts broken over and over until we get sick of mistaking the head-rush feeling from emotionally unstable men for love. Then those steady guys willing to get to know who we are on the inside start to look really good.

 

You are not "unable to fall". You just have one definition of love that hasn't been sustainable. The less you analyze why you feel what you feel, the more you live in the moment and just get to know people, the more you'll get used to steady, slow growing relationships.

 

Lastly, like attracts like. Attracting emotionally unavailable men (men with "walls") indicates that you may be so as well. That fact seems to becoming more and more apparent in your dating life right now. Therapy may help.

[mentee]

one of the best posts i've read ..

[roctown]

Having been the guy in this exact situation just a few short weeks ago, I'll tell you what has happened so far and maybe you can pull some information out of that.

 

We met in a class we had last semester, and we were in a group together. I was instantly attracted to her, but I waited to ask her out until the class was over (just didn't want any drama interfering with school if dating her didn't work.). So we knew eachother, and I knew she was very interested when I asked her out.

 

Anyways, we dated for three weeks and it was going well; she was extremely excited (as was I) and we were texting back and forth, talking on the phone, etc. We were kissing and having a great time.

 

Then, her ex-boyfriend got back in touch with her, which threw everything off. He succeeded in really making it hard for me to get her to go out or enjoy hanging out with me for a couple of weeks. She shut me out and it became difficult. I persisted, however, and was still able to get her to go out for a couple of hours a week. It was hard on me for a month; some days she would be really in to me and we would have a blast, and other days she would seem totally disinterested or even upset that she was hanging out with me.

 

A few weeks ago, on a night that she was particularly detached, I decided that it was time to ask her what she wanted from us dating. I was 80% sure that I would like a relationship with her, if we could get there, but I was quite tired of the chase, at least the way it was going. I knew that she liked me a lot, but I wanted to know what was going on that made her act so strangely on certain days.

 

She said that she was definitely not looking for a relationship, and didn't want to get attached. I was dissappointed, but I told her that it was fine because I didn't have much of a specific plan for us. I did tell her that I was going to continue seeing other people.

 

At that point, I was pretty much planning on checking out and pursuing someone else. I had other numbers in my phone. She actually persisted at this point, however, which pleasantly surprised me. For two weeks, I didn't text or call her on my own at all, but she initiated every conversation and I kept asking her out as a result. Later she told me that since I asked her out, her life has been completely different and that she feels like she finally has something good going on in her life. She's also asked me to stop dating other girls.

 

It's still difficult, but we're now in a very good place I think. In any case, to answer your question, I think its a two way street. No guy is going to fix you. No guy knows how, and if you ask him to in some way, he's just going to assume you aren't interested. If this girl hadn't taken the effort to pursue me after letting me down (which she didn't want to do, but couldn't help herself), I would have moved on. Neither of us would have been happy with that result.

 

Then again, if I hadn't persisted early on, it would have ended way too fast.

 

So its a two way street. A guy isn't going to come along and solve all these commitment issues for you. You have to give him a chance and work on it in the process. Maybe the fact that there aren't any "sparks" or "butterflies" is a good thing; maybe this is that relationship that isn't off the wall and unpredictable.

 

Ultimately, given what you said to the guy, I think you'll have to put some work in to keep it going if that's what you want. He will move on if you don't re-assure him. Its not that he doesn't like you, but what you've told him communicates to him that you aren't interested. Even if that's not what you meant, its what he heard.

 

I don't have any clear answers, but I hope my ramblings helped somehow.

[Nixee]

Wow.... some excellent posts and a lot to think about

 

 

 

This, I agree, is an excellent post and probably insanely accurate to the way I am.

 

I feel like I'm in a constant struggle when I'm with him to be honest. Happy, calm, peaceful.... then all the sudden torn, because I feel like there needs to be more passion and drama and that I'm not feeling enough. I'm certainly not giddy around him though. And the thing is.... it COULD be that he just doesn't "do it" enough for me.... but, what makes me question things is that this certainly isn't the only time I've had this problem.

 

It feels like a pattern for me. Like someone, feel excited about things, embark on a relationship, then go dead inside and desperately want to push them away.

 

But then...

 

 

 

This is very true, and I'm always aware of this too. Can't force something if it doesn't fit either, which always adds to my confusion.

[Nixee]

 

So its a two way street. A guy isn't going to come along and solve all these commitment issues for you. You have to give him a chance and work on it in the process. Maybe the fact that there aren't any "sparks" or "butterflies" is a good thing; maybe this is that relationship that isn't off the wall and unpredictable.

 

Ultimately, given what you said to the guy, I think you'll have to put some work in to keep it going if that's what you want. He will move on if you don't re-assure him. Its not that he doesn't like you, but what you've told him communicates to him that you aren't interested. Even if that's not what you meant, its what he heard.

 

I don't have any clear answers, but I hope my ramblings helped somehow.

 

Thank you for sharing your story...

 

And I know you are right, as much as it intimidates me. It is rough to think about. On the one hand, I know we have a good thing starting here, we are compatible, comfortable around each other, and I can already tell he's very into me.... but I keep having these panicky feelings and thoughts that go through my head, which isn't good.

 

I'm not sure that I want to lose him, but I don't know how to reassure him that I'm 100% in this concept of "us"... when I don't know that I am yet. I guess that is why I answered how I did, as bad as I felt.