Busto Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Very long story short: my girlfriend of one year cheats with another guy she met while working abroad. She denies it for some time, but I make her come clean and break up. I obviously feel like * * * * for a long time, I'm a total wreck. After about three months we start seeing each other again, casually at first, then lovers again. She promises to start therapy to sort out her issues, but never does, despite me reminding her constantly. Last week she told me she loved me, and I told her I loved her too (but felt uneasy saying it... sort of). All this time, I'm torn between breaking up with her and trying to work things out. I'm mad at her for not going into therapy, and for talking about going to South America all the time. She plans to stay there for 3-6 months, which I think is really selfish, considering she cheated on me on her last trip. So... last night I had sex with another woman. I feel like * * * * , like I should. I guess I did it to exact revenge, but it only made things a lot worse. Where do I go from here? Should I tell her everything and see what happens, or should I not tell her and just break up with her? I still have strong feelings for her, but sometimes it feels like there are too many obstacles to climb. How can I trust her completely again? How can she trust me? Thanks for reading. Feel free to bash the cheater, I probably deserve a few harsh comments. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Well, I think you should come clean to her...but I also think the two of you need to break up because there just isn't any trust. She is not doing what needs to be done to make you feel more at ease and you are not able to trust her..hence you are miserable, uncertain and cheated on her. This is not good. People can go away for work and not cheat...but she has a history of cheating while away and has not been interested in sorting through her issues. This is a toxic relationship and it is no point continuing on. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 At the very moment you stated about how saying ''I love you'' was hard is when I think you guys should go your separate ways. Neither one of you are satisfying the other. Now if you want to still work on the relationship then yes you would need to tell her and get yourself into therapy as well too. Link to comment
Busto Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks for the input guys. And yes, I'm already in therapy. It's part of my education. I know our relationship is unhealthy, but still it's hard for me to picture my life without her... Link to comment
yeawutever Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks for the input guys. And yes, I'm already in therapy. It's part of my education. I know our relationship is unhealthy, but still it's hard for me to picture my life without her... Ok good and now are you planning to tell her about your cheating? First of all did she even seem sorry when she cheated or is like whatever about it, I mean I know there're are people that can be on long distance and they don't cheat. Link to comment
Busto Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 I will tell her. She did seem sorry, but she continued to see the guy on and off during those three months we were broken up, so I don't know. All I know is my life sucks ass right now. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 I will tell her. She did seem sorry, but she continued to see the guy on and off during those three months we were broken up, so I don't know. All I know is my life sucks ass right now. Ok yes good it's better that you tell her yourself rather than someone else telling her or she finding it out somewhere else. If she continue seeing that guy after you guys were broken up then it wouldn't be cheating afterwards but great disrespect. No your life doesn't suck, you probably too focus on one thing, it's time to get other interests. Besides working on the relationship do you got any hobbies, if so then you might start on that one. Link to comment
Busto Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks. I guess it's time to hit the gym again. I probably need to be single for a while now... Link to comment
yeawutever Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks. I guess it's time to hit the gym again. I probably need to be single for a while now... Yes you should. I believe that it'll do you no good staying with her and given her history she might still be cheating. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Yes you should. I believe that it'll do you no good staying with her and given her history she might still be cheating. I don't understand, if he's not staying with her, then why unload a useless confession? I can see taking it to a therapist or a priest, but what is the moral or ethical value in harming someone with your revenge sex in the name of 'honesty'? Link to comment
abouttime Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Definitely break it off. If she loved you she wouldn't be going back to SA. You know her well enough. You also know her level of sexual desire. Can she stay faithful for three to six months? Doubt it. She tells you she loves you. Then plans to go back where the guy who did her lives. So you cheated. You cheated to break it off. You did it to protect yourself from being hurt like that again. Not good, but I do understand it. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 What you did was wrong in every way. You cant penalize your partner for doing something to you, preach to them how horrific their actions were, punish them for it, break up with them and push them to seek therapy for their mistake and then freely go out and do the exact same thing. As it stands the two of you stand on the same level of wrong doing, only difference being that she had to pay for her mistake while you havent had to endure any punishment from her. You dont call the cops on a guy who stole something from the store and then rob a grandma when you hang up the phone. Link to comment
Busto Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 I know what I did was * * * * ty. I feel like a new person now, a much worse person than I used to be. I never thought I was capable of doing this. I guess I don't know myself very well. By the way, I told her everything last night. Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 How'd she take it? Did you two break up? Link to comment
Busto Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 The ball is in her court now. She said she still loves me, but that so much has been destroyed already, by both of us. She's not sure if she wants to continue, and neither am I. I still want her in my life, that's all I know. But it's probably for the best if she decides to cut me off now. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'm not going to drink alcohol for a long time now. I think the alcohol was a catalyst that night. I don't think I would've done it sober. At least I hope not. Link to comment
abouttime Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Good idea about the alcohol. The relationship is pretty toxic now. It would probably be best if you didn't stay together. While I don't think you would cheat again. I believe that with your GF going back to SA that she may be good for a few weeks, she would eventually forget just how much she loved you (year right) and cheat again. Find someone you can have a deeper level of commitment with. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 By now, both of you have made a lot of terrible mistakes and neither of your hands are clean. I think you need to stand up and take the ball out of her court. End this. Save yourself the future heartache by dragging this out. She doesn't have to leave your life forever, but you do not need her as a gf. It's pretty clear to me that she doesn't love you. She may love you, but she doesn't "really" love you as in have a desire to stay faithful and work things out in a healthy way with you. All I can say is stop being passive about this. Drinking and sleeping with someone else is ultimately passive-aggressive and is some little way of a voice in your head telling you that you need to take action to get some distance. Be conscious of your needs, take the leap and separate. Once you do it I think you'll find that you've been without her all along. Link to comment
Rabican Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Dont tell her and just break up... thats too much baggage if you ask me. Unless you feel that she is your soulmate or something (in which case you two wouldnt be cheating on each other so shes not) then its probably easier, and better to just quit, and restart with someone new down the road after you have time to heal. Link to comment
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