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How will they know you've changed if in NC?


emj27

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Ok, what if they dump you because of a personality trait/way you were acting, that was ruining the relationship for them. Apart from that, they felt the same way about you - they said that was the only reason for the split. Since the split they have discovered that their possible feelings for someone else were not necessarily what they thought they were, and actually they're still quite unhappy even without you.

 

What if the split was a wake-up call to you that you needed to change that part of your personality - not just for the sake of your relationship, but for yourself?

 

What if you DO work hard to change it, and it really does change. And your feelings for this person who you spent a number of amazing years with are just as strong as ever, and you are both still single.

 

How are you ever going to show them that you have changed if you are in NC? Of course just telling them will never be enough because they'll think it's just words to try and get them back.

 

Also, if the thing you had to change was something specific to being in a relationship, how would they ever know you've changed unless they are back in a relationship with you - but they won't get back with you without knowing you've changed?!

 

Please don't tell me to just forget it and move on, by the way. That's not what I'm asking...

 

Thank you

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I'm in this position right now. My ex broke NC after 37 days. We went out. Had fun. Another week and a half of NC. I broke it that time, asked her if she was happy being broken up. She said yes and that she felt she made the right decision. I asked her if we were ever going to get back together and she said she did not know and that she'd have to 1)see if things really changed and 2) if she could fall back in love with me. She said she'd have to get to know me all over again.

 

So I'm obviously not going back to NC. The only way to get her back is to start dating her again and talking to her and starting from scratch. Hopefully, just in natural interactions she'll either see that I've changed or not. Who knows.

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I'm a bit of a noob here but I'll give my opinion. I've actually thought about this a lot lately. Unless they call you, at some point you have to break NC. When the right time is will vary with the situation and people involved. I think JohnGalt has it exactly right. If they start wanting to hang out with you again, then you pretty much have to treat the situation like you did when you were first dating. Probably even take it slower at first until things start clicking again. I wouldn't have asked how she felt about being broken up after the first time hanging out though, just like I wouldn't ask a girl if they wanted to be exclusive after the first date. Give it time. Make her fall back in love with you.

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If a changeable reason they gave for dumping you is (in truth) the only thing preventing them from wanting a relationship with you, then their honest-to-ghaad love for you will be strong enough to lead them to contact you--eventually. They'll want to discover whether such a change was ever possible in you. Maybe not on your timetable, but on their own.

 

If not, then I'd wager the reason they gave you was just one nail upon which they're hanging the whole breakup, and their feelings for you aren't exactly what you'd prefer to believe.

 

If they love you enough, NC is your best shot at letting them demonstrate this, even while permitting them the clarity that their choice was their own and not manipulated. If they don't love you enough, then NC is your best preserver of your dignity.

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Agree catfeeder, worth keeping in mind... sigh reading threads like these and other get back your ex topics always gives me hope but i can't let myself be sucked into it... I'm moving on and trying to tell myself everyday I will never see or hear from him again... which is sad and sometimes very scary.... but then I know and believe that's the best i can do for myself... i need this time to really work on me anyway, reexamine my goals and really look at how i want to live my life from now on.

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If a changeable reason they gave for dumping you is (in truth) the only thing preventing them from wanting a relationship with you, then their honest-to-ghaad love for you will be strong enough to lead them to contact you--eventually. They'll want to discover whether such a change was ever possible in you. Maybe not on your timetable, but on their own.

 

If not, then I'd wager the reason they gave you was just one nail upon which they're hanging the whole breakup, and their feelings for you aren't exactly what you'd prefer to believe.

 

If they love you enough, NC is your best shot at letting them demonstrate this, even while permitting them the clarity that their choice was their own and not manipulated. If they don't love you enough, then NC is your best preserver of your dignity.

 

Every time I read a thread and I see catfeeder has responded, I automatically know not to respond, because lets be honest, catfeeder gives damn good advice. Well said.

 

OP, this is what you need to read, and read over and over again until it is lodged in your head.

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