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my jealousy issues is driving me CRAZY


lilsmc
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i have been cheated on in the past and it has really made me an insecure person with men. My curent boyfriend is a great boyfriend, but somehow he is a girl magnet. I know that he has a lot of girl-friends, but i cant help to get jealous.

Specially when he has cheated on me once in the past. We were not exclusive then, but to me, it felt like it was. I decided to forgive him, but it has been so hard to fully forget.

 

every wednesday he has his coworkers over for dinner and drinks. I have no problem with that, but there is this one female co worker that also comes along and i swear she wants my boyfriend. I decided to be sneaky the other day (which by the way went completely WRONG!)

I went through his house phone and found a number that had called him late at night. It's funny because it was at the same time I had called him and never got a response. My gut instinct right away told me it was this GIRL, so i decided to call that number (of course i blocked my number) and tada!! it was HER! I also went through his camera and found quiet a lot of pictures of her as well. He says she is only a coworker and that there is nothing going on, which is something I truly want to believe, but it is very hard.

 

 

I decided to confront him about it. I asked him "hunny, remember that night when i called you with no answer, and when you finally called me back you said you were on the phone with someone else? who was that person you were talking to?" He crinched and gave me a nervous chuckle "i dont remember, i talked to a lot of people that night" im like uh huh... and then he finally said yeah i talked to john and cally. Funny because i never saw john's number, just cally's.

I was a little relieved because he actually admitted to talking to her.

He tells me i need to stop being crazy and obssesive, and maybe i do, but it is extremely hard when this girl is calling him in the middle of the night and he has so many pictures of her and likewise posted on facebook.

what should i do? should i take a step back and relax? or should i keep trying to figure out what is going on here?

please help.

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Well, I know one thing for sure is that it's not good to snoop and definitely not good if there isn't any trust in the relationship. I have snooped on my boyfriend's stuff in the past and have confessed to it.

 

I understand you feeling a bit insecure especially since it's happened once before but you said that he thought things weren't exclusive then and you had decided to forgive him so it's hard but sometimes you have to let go and trust and leave the past in the past if you feel that trust has been earned. He did fess up to talking to this girl and he says that nothing is going on between them. If you can't take his word for it and trust him that I don't know what you should do because trust is just needed to be in a stable healthy relationship.

 

If this is something that you bring up often he may be afraid you don't trust him especially since he is telling you to stop being crazy and obsessive. That's probably why he was so hesitant to mention that he was on the phone with this girl thinking that you would get the wrong idea. If you feel deep down in your heart that you know he would be honest with you and you can trust him then just try to relax a bit and not worry about it.

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you need to take a step back and relax. from what you have said you have absolutely no reason to not trust him. unless there is something you didnt mention. and i think you need to hear this so i'm going to mention it real quick, if you two weren't exclusive then he didnt cheat on you. just because you feel some way in your head doesnt mean that he feels that way too, or even knows you feel that way for that matter. so to be honest you dont really have anything to forgive him for because he didnt do anything wrong there. i know that sounds mean but i just felt like you needed to hear that.

 

anyways, i'm not entirely sure what his job is or how his friendships are with people, but if he has a lot of girl-friends and he has his coworkers over every week for drinks then he could just be very good friends with this cally girl. and whether she wants your boyfriend or not doesnt really matter. if you and your boyfriend have a verbal mutual understanding that you are exclusive (meaning you two have talked about it in a direct way, not that you just think both of you understand it to be exclusive) then you need to ask yourself if you trust your boyfriend not to cheat on you. if you do then forget about this and just be happy with him. if you dont then you need to sit down and think about why you dont trust your boyfriend (who you could potentially be with for a long while)

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I don't think it's your jealousy that's making you nuts, it's your decision to try to hold on to someone who's already showed you his disloyalty.

 

When people walk away from cheaters, it's not always because they don't love them anymore, it's because they don't want to position themselves to live a life of paranoia waiting for the 'next time' with someone who's already a cheat.

 

So your feelings aren't wrong for the position you're in, your feelings go with the territory of investing in disloyal people. Change that decision, and you'll be surprised how much self-confidence you'll suddenly possess.

 

In your corner.

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Okay well I personally don't like that whole "we're not *quote* exclusive *unquote* so I can go date/kiss/have sex with who ever" idea... I think unless you are JUST talking, and are CONSIDERING dating, then even then you shouldn't be talking to other people 'in that way' until you've decided to or not to date... That is just my opinion.

 

And... If he KNEW or even FELT you might think of your relationship as exclusive.... then YES that would be cheating. If you know he didn't know your feelings on it, then it's not cheating [despite my personal opinions obviously] and like others have said there is nothing to forgive. That would be YOUR fault for not directly clearing whether things were exclusive or not. I think so at least.

 

But... You really should own up to him about snooping on his phone. Just let him know you were curious, you didn't mean any harm, but you just wanted to check something. It may mess up HIS trust in you, but you'll feel guilty if you don't. Trust me.

 

Hope that helped. If not... ignore me.

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no i did not talk to her because it went to voice mail.

Big part of me knows that he truly does love me , but another part of me is not letting me be happy constantly thinking that he might hurt me or cheat on me.

This morning, again ifound a text he sent her yesterday at work "I cant believe you dint say bye" i didnt know how to interpret that message because my boyfriend tends to be very friendly and playful. She said "im so sorry. I'm running late"

at first i was mad, bu than my friend talked to me and said im sure he was just playing around and meant nothing by it. My constant thoughts on this matter throughout the day really drains me and i dont know what to do.

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no i did not talk to her because it went to voice mail.

Big part of me knows that he truly does love me , but another part of me is not letting me be happy constantly thinking that he might hurt me or cheat on me.

This morning, again ifound a text he sent her yesterday at work "I cant believe you dint say bye" i didnt know how to interpret that message because my boyfriend tends to be very friendly and playful. She said "im so sorry. I'm running late"

at first i was mad, bu than my friend talked to me and said im sure he was just playing around and meant nothing by it. My constant thoughts on this matter throughout the day really drains me and i dont know what to do.

 

I know the feeling. Trust your gut though. I am a little paranoid and may not handle things appropriately, but 7/10 times I am right.

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