Now single vs. Always single

[dr_styles]

Well hopefully a small change from the usual mindset I find myself in on eNA, this is more curiosity than anything else - the kind of random offshoot thoughts I get on the whole deal with relationships and what not.

 

One of those regrets if you will is how I was very happy (if at least content) to basically be myself at Uni, which was unfortunately very non-social/shy, introverted and non-geeky. FYI for those that have seen my usual posts this is the time when I was still confident in who I was, not "looking", and didn't hide away whilst I was at Uni.

 

Anyway, I obviously went through with no experience at all so there's that regret of how I wouldn't so messed up atm if I did. But going on that, plenty of Uni/college relationships don't last; though that's where most would happen, and so just taking myself, I would be in the exact same position (like lifestyle/meeting people)

 

Point of all that; what do people think of someone who has always been single, versus someone who is just as single now but at least with experience? I recall a couple of threads here along those lines, with someone who ended their relationships after school/Uni and they feel just as daunted?

[iwishiknew]

I have always been single and I have no experience at all. I feel like as the years go by the harder it will be for me to get a date.

[Crush85]

I think it depends on the age. I've been single all my life. I have no relationship experience or experience with girls at all. But at 23 I'm still young enough to get away with it. But being single at 40 and still having never gone out on a date or anything is very taboo. People tend to find that sort of thing very strange.

[MD Geist]

I feel like I have a non curiable disease at this point, with absolutely no experience at all and as the years go by it becomes more difficult to find a date, girls will automaticlly think there's something wrong with me, I really believe that oppertunty has come and gone for me a long time ago.

[laisla]

it doesn't really bother me. as long as he's an average, normal guy. i just think they are either unlucky or very picky, or just not interested in a relationship. for me personally it's better to have been always single than to have gone through 25 different people. well look whose talking i've gone through several guys myself. went out with 4 of them.

[somethngwrng]

last year it used to really bother me that i was perpetually single. i had a friend who was the same, and i'll admit, it did used to bother me when he would talk about being single "for the rest of his life". "i'll never find a girl"... it got old. i decided it was a bad attitude to adopt, and changed my thought processes accordingly.

 

i don't even think about it much whether my friends are single or not. it is great to have friends who are also single. more time for doing things that don't involve getting mushy with a SO.

[dr_styles]

With a bit more thought I find that it is the past rather than the present. The trend if you will. A lot of my friends are still single, but they've had their experiences. I don't specifically mean sexual or anything (I'm sure they have though but just relationships. What's really getting to me is having been single forever rather than being single at the moment. When you've always been single, what basis do you have for thinking that'll change.

 

They say previous relationships are like baggage; well if you're single for too long then you have your own baggage too I'd say. If a girl/guy finds out you've been with so many people, they'll get worried. If they find out they are their first date (at our age), they'll get worried.

 

If you've had one or two relationships in the past you don't have that concern.

 

for me personally it's better to have been always single than to have gone through 25 different people.

 

I just hope no one comes in and says we should be commended or proud for still being single, virgins, or whatever else like I've seen here!

[laisla]

Because ...? Well ok 25 is silly lol, but you make it sound like that we should be proud of still being single (a bit like some people say with virginity). I don't see how it's commendable in anyway

 

it's just a personal view of mine. people can argue logically either way. i think that there's nothing wrong with not having had a gf or bf before. i don't believe that you NEED prior experience in order to have a good, long-lasting relationship. relationship skills can be built and developed over ONE person, it's not important to go through many others just to be a goof bf or gf....or wife/husband.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Experience doesn't mean very much in the grand scheme of a successful relationship and life. Remember how going to the high school prom was supposed to be a life-defining moment...as you go on in life you realize how little difference it makes whether or not you went to your high school prom. When relationships fail then you are back to square one...alone. Imagine someone who is wealthy and then they lose all their money and go bankrupt...does it make a difference that they once had the experience of being wealthy and having a big home. If they don't have it anymore and are now living on the street or in a studio apartment what good was the experience of being wealthy when it is taken from you. If people were so blissfully happy that at least they had the experience, you wouldn't find so many people grasping at straws and entering rebounds...the experience didn't make them content...it just made them a relationship addict searching for the next high and they will take anyone just to have that high.

[dr_styles]

I never thought that about the high-school prom, lol (no I didn't go though).

 

But now we're getting into the core of the thread and what I wanted to have up for discussion. Yes you're right, when someone comes out of a relationship they are both back at square-0, but are they the same?

I think not; if someone has a "record" of getting dates, getting a relationship, who is more likely to end up going on again? (and look let's not go overboard, not talking players or anything like that). Coupled with that the person has experience, won't make the same dating mistakes, knows some tricks, whatever! And they don't have those issues of never having done this or that. Plus at least being able to think "been there done that" makes it a lot easier to decide to be single and focus on other things.

 

It's just a reality that perfectly reasonable non-shallow people will make judgements, not necessarily rejections but definitely that little red flag at the back of their minds, when they find out stuff like this about people. Heck even I've got that red flag on myself. The usual "why the heck have I always been".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Coupled with that the person has experience, won't make the same dating mistakes, knows some tricks, whatever!

 

That is very far from the truth. Just look at all the threads on this forum where people keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again with each and every person they go out with. So what...people learn how to to have different sexual positions and how to kiss better...so what do they do...whatever they did with Mary, Jane, Sally etc is just repeated...same corny lines, same jokes, same places to go to, same restaurants, same bedroom, same sheets. In other words, the "Been there done that" with every single person they have dated often leads to a lot of insecurities on the part of the person who becomes girlfriend or boyfriend #15 because they wonder "did he/she do that with each and every person...what makes me so special if he/she has said the same thing and done the same things in the same way with the last 14 partners". Having many relationships comes with a whole slew of other issues and breeds all kinds of other questions of doubt from the latest partner. When people rack up many partners the tricks start to get old and stale..they have nothing left in their repertoire to keep things fresh and unique for the new person they are dating.

 

Many people who have had experience also end up not being very discriminating with the next person they date...because once they have the experience they can't handle being single so they run to the next person who falls into their orbit...they just bounce from one relationship to the next simply because they don't know how to be alone...so what good is the experience if they haven't learned how to be happy outside of a relationship and just look for their next fix. So, no, many of them can't handle focusing on other things until they find their next fix.

 

It's just a reality that perfectly reasonable non-shallow people will make judgements, not necessarily rejections but definitely that little red flag at the back of their minds, when they find out stuff like this about people.

 

Sure people will make judgements, especially in this day and age. However, people have red flags about all kinds of things. While the woman who had a boyfriend for a couple of years, got pregnant and now is a single mother at 21 may see red flags in the fact that you never had a partner...you could equally see red flags about her situation in life. While the woman who gave blowjobs to the entire high school football team and had 3 boyfriends by the time she was 21 may judge you....you can equally judge her. While the woman who had 2 failed long-term relationships can judge you for not having one, you can judge her as to why she can't hang on to her relationships. My point is for everyone who can judge someone else...that someone else can turn around and look at this person's life and see red flags.

[dr_styles]

I think you're stretching it a bit here.

There's still a big difference between Never and just 1 or 2 which is still very reasonable (lol unlike #15)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you're stretching it a bit here.

There's still a big difference between Never and just 1 or 2 which is still very reasonable (lol unlike #15)

 

Well, I guess there is nothing more I can say if you want to have this kind of defeatest attitude and assume that someone who has had a relationship is somehow better and superior and more worldly than someone who hasn't. I have met enough people in my time who have been in relationships...more than one and much less than 15...who know very little about how to have a harmonious and happy relationship...sure they may know how to kiss like a pro, have sex hanging from a chandelier and that sprinkling roses around the room can make their partner putty in their arms..but the real issues of love, spiritual connection, communication, trust, honesty, empathy and compassion escape them. There are a lot of pluses that a novice can add to a relationship...and in fact, I am sure there are novices who can teach a thing or two to the "well-seasoned" relationship person who has had a string of failed relationships.