Dealing with the fact that your ex is a completely different person.

[moo22]

I'd really like to hear if other people have gone through something like this.

 

My ex broke up with me when he got to college last september (i'd already been at school for a month) Since then, it seems like my ex is a completely different person than the one i knew. With me, he was so nice and caring, we had a lot of trust and he was never anywhere close to unfaithful to me. (and he really wasn't i'm not in denial or anything) I knew he liked me more than anyone else. We were together three years, so I knew him pretty well.

 

Now, he won't even talk to me because he says he's happy with his new friends and he doesn't need me. He is mean in a way I never knew he was capable of, and I don't know why being happy with new friends would make you so mean to me. I heard from other people how he's turned into a huge jerk. Apparently, his new girlfriend walked in on him * * * * ing another girl recently. And a lot of people think he did this on purpose. It makes me so sick that he could do that to someone.

Side note: I accidently let him cheat with me over winter break (I didn't know about her) but he said he told her about it (supposedly a casual relationship or something). Obviously now I know thats a lie.

Anyways, I feel so nausated that he could do this to someone I can't believe how different he is then how he was before. Now, I'm just so sad that this person is gone. I don't want to be with him at all anymore, I just feel like that person died, and it's really sad. Other friends have talked to me about how different he is and how he's a pretty bad person now.

I'm wondering if other people have been through something like this. I can't stop mourning the fact that he's changed so much from what he was. How do you stop the sadness?

[COtuner]

Sounds like this guy gets off on this sort of thing. Best thing you can do is work on making new friends that don't know him, and asking your current friends not to talk about him. Then working to get him off your mind.

[giggidy]

to know that the person who you once knew still looks the same, but has taken on a new persona. When i met my girlfriend, she was a shy little mousy thing. I remember she'd stand at times with her hand accross her waist holding her forarm... i always knew it was a sign that she was awkward.

 

she was a hippy, and i loved it. she'd wear these hippie dresses, and lounge around in torn jeans and converse. her sister would make fun of her for it, and i'd stad up and make claim to how attractive it was.

 

through our realtionship, I helped her get into college, drove her back and forth to her alternative school, and to driver's ed. I'd help her write papers when she was sooo frustrated she could scream. she grew up and before i knew it, there was this absolutely gorgeous abacrombe model standing before me telling me that she wanted to explore all these different countries...

 

she cut her hair, changed her wardrobe. i couldn't keep up. now i look at myself and realize how i don't match this clean professional girl, and how she left and rebounded with a dude that plans out his every wardrobe.

 

i bought her a hippy skirt three months before it ended... it's probably still in her closet collecting dust.

 

I feel like that beautiful hippy that wore cristals and painted with me is dead. the last picture she drew was a self portrate of her lying in a Monroe pose.

 

I don't know what's sadder, knowing that the beautiful hippie with dark hair and lustful eyes is replaced with a well dressed shallower version, or the fact that i couldn't enter her world...

 

i miss that little hippie. i realized it when the first person i was attracted to after her embodied most of those qualities i fell in love with. i'd give anything to get her back and kiss her, and make her knees go weak again. but she's different, and i have to remember who i was, and aknowledge who i am.

[moo22]

yeah, people really can change. i don't think i believed the core of who someone is can change, that a good person could become such a bad one. but now i do.

its just so sad. its really sad shes not the girl you loved. but i think its good you haven't changed. gotta be true to yourself. maybe they're not being that. i dont know. its a very hard thing to accept.

[HeartGoesOn]

As soon as they're an "ex", I don't worry about what they are doing, or will do in the future.

[WomanWriter]

This kind of supports my philosophy of reacting to mental images of people instead of the actual person. Sounds like your boyfriend sees you as "in the past" and his friends "in the present." Since he wants to live this new "evolved" life of his, he must get rid of you, the person he associates with "the past." Are you really "the past?" NO...but that's how he's objectified you. And it sounds like you are also stuck on the image of how he used to be and not who he is now. Like I said in my own post, it's really sad that people react to each other as if they're objects frozen in a certain time period and not who they are in the present moment. I do the same and I'm sad my ex seems to see me as 'the past." I wonder if my ex also likes his "new life" and sees anybody that he knew before as being his "old life."

 

I wish we could somehow make our ex's see that their "lives" don't have to be mutually exclusive. They could keep the new changes but that doesn't mean they have to throw away someone they've known before.

[nada_es_fake]

I'm going through the same thing. My ex was my best friend and, throughout the relationship, she would tell me she was sure she was my soulmate. Ha. Flash forward to seven months later, and I have no idea who this person is anymore. Anytime we've talked since the breakup, it's really felt like pulling teeth with her. Every conversation has been cold, calculated on her part..it has really felt like talking to a stranger in line at the supermarket.

 

Realizing that you're still missing a person who longer exists is really painful, probably more painful the the actual breakup itself. I'm still trying to get over her, and any attempt at being friends is shot because this "new" person is not the same one who was in a relationship with me.

 

It's strange to know that there is someone out there who knows most of your secrets but has genuinely moved on and left you in the past. One of the last things my ex told me was, "I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we planned. I can't remember what it's like to kiss you. You don't fit into any aspect of my life now anymore."

 

I suppose people do change, and maybe it's not always a bad thing. It just truly sucks being on the other end.

[moo22]

that's a really good point woman writer. that's the most logical explanation i've heard as to some of his actions.

 

but this whole cheating thing is not something the person i knew before was capable of. its just so uncompassionate and so selfish, i was in shock earlier today when i heard it. really it shows me that he will hurt anybody, and this is probably not the last person he will damage emotionally.

 

i know it's no good to worry about something that is so outside our own control, but sometimes its hard to help it. we can only focus on moving on and bettering ourselves i guess.

[giggidy]

maybe it's just a process of getting use to attatchment. no one wants to stay the same, but they don't understand that realtionships with two individuals works becuse they are both separate people. i'm sure my ex felt like we were joined at the hip, and that she couldn't achieve a different identity with me.

 

it was sure hard, but i was willing to accommodate her change in identity. but i realized by emotional breakdowns that i wasn't ready, or capable. she just moved in a different direction faster than me. we're both in the heavy change stage of life (late teens-adults). it comes with the territory.

 

i'd guess you're around the same age, maybe in ur 20's?

[ScorpiGal83]

well... this guy i knew, when he was dumped by his fiancee, went quite wild, for year. Screwing every girl in sight, dirty sex, even contracted a couple of STDs..

 

Now, he's married (to a different girl than his ex-fiancee). And totally toned down.

 

I don't know. Perhaps when some people are hurt, they feel the need to act up and get that venom out of their system?

[maverick554]

I know exactly how you feel. It feels like the person my ex was when we first got together and when we were happy together, and the person who she was when we broke up are two completely different people. Its like one of those movies where people switch identities. The girl I first met and fell in love with was caring, affectionate, sweet, fun, passionate, energetic, and never gave me any reason not to trust her; the girl who broke up with me and ripped my heart out of my chest was unaffectionate, not sweet, not fun, not energetic, mean, and depressing, and at times made me doubt her faithfulness to me (although she never did cheat on me). Unfortunatley for some reason people feel the need to change, and it is often for the worse. I guess some just can't be happy in a good relatoinship, and attempt to sabotage it.

[WomanWriter]

I almost get the imrpression that our exes are "fighting" the image we represent. It's like they see something in us that conflicts with something new they want to be and they almost NEED to be mean in order to separate themselves from us and gain their NEW identity.

 

When you think about it, teenagers do the same thing with their parents often times (so do toddlers). They tend to rebel, push them away to a point, and sometimes even become mean. They do this so they can break away from the identity of their parents to form their own beliefs, personality, and life. It is a normal part of psychological maturity.

 

But I have to wonder how psychologically mature it is to push away your significant other. It's like they are using US in place of their PARENTS. I don't think my particular ex ever really separated from his parents. He grew up really religious and didn't really have a choice about being how own person. So NOW I almost feel like he's imagining ME in the parent role and reacting to me as someone who is keeping him from gaining a new identity (because in some ways, I think I was closer to him than his own parents).

 

I know this sounds weird but in a way it makes sense. Otherwise, why would they suddenly be so cold and rejecting. They are reacting to an image of us, not the actual us.

[WomanWriter]

What I said about reacting to images doesn't seem to apply in all cases though, just with exes that suddenly change or want to "find themselves"...that kind of thing.

 

In the case where the ex was abusive all along or something like that, I think the dumper is actually more like the dumpee because they are the ones that were treated poorly, now they are just choosing to get away.

[moo22]

its about enviorment too. that can definatly trigger changes. it is no coincidence that my ex started acting different as soon as he got to college. we were done after he'd been there for about two weeks. the change was absurdly fast.

 

the funny thing is all this time my ex has been acting like i'm the mentally * * * * ed up one, but im finally starting to realize it's not me. (this new news was a wake up call) he was acting like he's grown up and i haven't, and he's moved on from being the immature person he used to be. i dont know how getting a new girlfriend then cheating on her multiple times is maturing and moving on to something better. god, i can't get over how * * * * ed up that is.

 

oh and in response to a post awhiles back, I'm 19.