Miss my emotional abuser

[fiona77]

Hi all, this is my first time on the site, so please be gentle... I recently realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Examples: He was very jealous, punished me all the time with cruel behavior, ignoring and blaming. The sweet/abuse cycle was getting shorter with each blow up from him. I finally had enough after his last blow up and blocked his e-mails and turned the messaging on my cell off so that he couldn't contact me. In a moment of weakness I turned the block on e-mail off and got an e-mail saying he love me etc... I replied telling him how much he hurt me and let him know that real love does not treat someone so badly and that I did not feel he could give me the love and respect that I need and deserve. He e-mailed a couple of more times and went from "I love you, I'll do anything" to "I'm not going to beg". I finally let him know (very nicely) that I was done and God bless. He then sent me an e-mail calling me every name in the book and saying it was my fault. I picture a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. He tried being nice to get his way and that didn't work, so then the real him came out. I know I dodged a bullet, am better off..... The sad thing is I miss him and still feel that I am some how responsible. I believe the cruel things he says about me. Any advice on how to move on and stop thinking about him? All my friends just give me the "your better off" "his loss" which I know is true and I know God saved me from a lifetime of pain with him, but knowing he is out there hating me and feeling justified in what he did kills me.

[EQD]

i am proof that you can get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. not calling myself an inspiration, but it can be done. i have been in your exact shoes before and i've never worn them again. You can do this girl!

[fiona77]

Thank you Equestriandynamo for your support. I just need someone to say it is okay to miss him even if he was horrible...

[fiona77]

Wait, that didn't come out right. It's not that I want someone to say I should miss the jerk, I just want to know if other people miss abusers so that I don't feel like the only one. I will never go back, that is not even an option. I just want to know if what I'm feeling is "normal".

[odile]

Wait, that didn't come out right. It's not that I want someone to say I should miss the jerk, I just want to know if other people miss abusers so that I don't feel like the only one. I will never go back, that is not even an option. I just want to know if what I'm feeling is "normal".

 

Sure, ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

 

Seriously, you're not the only one.

No matter what the reasons, break-ups are never fun.

There's always going to be a sense of loss, even if you know you'll be happier in the long run.

[EQD]

the hardest part of a breakup with an abuser is the first month or two away from them.

but its this time where you need to take inventory of what really went on.

i found that with mine i really did believe all the terrible things, my self worth was shot, but he was wrong to treat me that way.

and i stuck to that fact like a life preserver.. eventually it allowed me to shed light on the rest, and the longer i went, the more i recognized he was a bad man, the stronger i became in staying away.

 

The good thing about abusers is that your fondness of them fades out. Objectively they did terrible things to you. And they will do it again if you go back.

So go forward and be free.

[indierockgrl]

i commend you for being a stronger person than you are giving yourself credit for. Its hard to walk away from a relationship when love was involved and you cant shut off feelings just like that. Its normal to "miss" his companionship, even if he was a jerk. And was def carrying around some issues that you dont need to deal with. Im sorry that he mistreated you... im sure somewhere in his life, he was probably taught that it was ok to abuse... like a repeating pattern or something..... you did the right thing... all you can do is take it one day at a time and soon you will realize in the long run, just how wonderful your life will be and he will have to learn the hard way not treat people the way he has... he will be one lonely guy one day if he doesnt address his issues.

 

i think your normal, strong and your on your way to happiness..... god bless.

[Aurian]

Yes, I am another former victim of an emotional abuser. I left about 3 years ago, and am so much happier these days (and with someone who treats me right!).

 

I know how hard it is to leave - they are masters at jerking at your empathy and sympathy, and making you feel like you just need to try a little bit harder to get the person you fell in love with back.... They are also masters at blaming you for everything and making you believe it....

 

I understand how hard it is to leave, despite all the crap they do to you. Be strong, its like trying to control the cravings for an unhealthy addiction. Eventually the cravings will go away....

 

I found it helpful to be angry when I started to feel sad/missing him. Being angry helped me focus on why I was leaving. You can also check out the articles in my signature below - they are very helpful!

 

Feel free to type away here if you need to get out your thoughts, feelings, etc.

[Seymore]

I, too, am a former "victim" of an emotional abuser. fiona, I'd PM you if you accepted PMs, but since you don't, all I can say is that it's normal to feel the way you do - you've been manipulated and controlled for a period of time and that may cause you to doubt yourself and other things you've normally never thought twice about. The Stockholm Syndrome thing is kinda freaky, but may be what you're feeling in a sense.

 

If Fiffy was here I know she'd say just the right thing to you. She's one of the strongest people I know here as far as coming out of abusive relationships!

[Up and Down]

It's very normal I was in an abusive relationship as well in the past. Didn't get physical until the end. I sometimes miss my ex, now I tell myself that I miss the person that I thought my ex was not who she is. Big difference.

 

Anyway it's been a while, almost two years and in any case, you remember the good times, the beginning and how great it was. You hope that that person will circle back around to the person you first met...they don't it's a facade...or at the very least Jekyll and Hyde like in personality. As you have more time apart you start to forget the bad times and remember how great you felt when they were your everything. In any case I suggest you write down a list of all the horrible things he did to you in the relationship and when you start getting sentimental pull it out and read it. Try to remember how you felt at those times.

 

In summary yes you are normal.

[fiona77]

Hi Seymore, before I decided to sign up for this I was looking at some of the old posts and saw a few from you. You seem to have a good head about things and give good advice. I appreciate your encouragement and advice in my situation. You said I don't have my PM on, how do I turn it on?

[fiona77]

Thank you all so much. It means a lot to know that there are other people out there who know what I am experiencing. I have always thought I was a strong person and am always the one people come to when they need advice. I think that's why it's so hard for me to accept that I could have been so foolish. I know I need to just have faith in the fact that I was the best person I could be to him, did all that I could and now I need to give the same respect and love to myself. That is the hardest thing to do.... I need to take a long hard look at myself and see what it is I am supposed to learn from this. That is never easy to do.

[nutbrownhare]

The thing with abusers is that they don't start out that way. I had a relationship which lasted only 8 months because I realised what I'd got myself into; to begin with it was so lovely that I really thought I'd found 'the one'.

 

I've never, once regretted getting out of that relationship. But of course I miss the good bits. One time a song came on the radio which reminded me of a really nice evening we'd had, and I found myself in tears. Embarrassing because I was at work at the time!

 

You can use this to grieve for the relationship, for the hopes and dreams you had, which will never be fulfilled with this person. Remind yourself of the reality of your situation, look at your optimism, let yourself grieve - and then you can truly move on. Let the fact that you miss him tell yourself about your pain, about your history.

 

But, please, if you can, don't let the fact you miss him lead you into getting back into the relationship!

[fiona77]

Thank you nutbrownhare. I do realize that I am grieving the man and the relationship I want to have, not the one that I had. I was only with him for 5 months, so I know I am truly blessed to have seen the "real him" so early on. I read posts from people on here that are getting out of relationships or marriages after years together. I just try to think about what I would tell a friend if they were in a similar situation as mine. My 2 words of advice would be GET OUT! which is what I have done. Now it's just about picking myself up and moving on to bigger and better things. I thank you and all the others for helping to give me the strength to do that.

[Aurian]

Hi Seymore, before I decided to sign up for this I was looking at some of the old posts and saw a few from you. You seem to have a good head about things and give good advice. I appreciate your encouragement and advice in my situation. You said I don't have my PM on, how do I turn it on?

 

Go to your User CP (it should be at the blue bar at the top of your screen, the one furthest to the left).

 

In there, you should see user options. In this link you can turn on or off the ability to receive "PMs"

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I too have been there. The only way to really get over it is to be god to yourself. Give yourself time, don't beat yourself up over missing the good times, but remember why you ended it.