What does this mean?

[walkinnahaze]

The other night on the phone my wife told me that I had made a lot of changes to my behavior. She said "You've done everything I asked, but I'm still not happy."

 

What does this mean? I am working my butt off to try and save this marriage, and nothing seems to work. Any advice?

[DN]

Because it wasn't about you - it was about her. It isn't unusual for people to blame their partner and emand changes. But in fact, they are the one who has changed.

[CallingAllAngels]

What has she done to try to save the marriage?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This could mean she's recognized the discontent is something within herself she needs to fix, or else it is a statement where she is thinking no matter what you do, it won't be enough, and might be considering divorce...

 

Have you been to marriage counseling? You may be able to turn this arround if you attend counseling together rather than wait until she's already made a decision to leave.

[walkinnahaze]

What has she done to try to save the marriage?

 

Nothing that I can tell. She is having an emotional affair with a "friend." (Although she would deny this.) She refused to move with me when I returned from Iraq (We've been apart since AUG 07) - she wants to wait until the end of the school year. I tell her I don't feel loved and beg her to be more affectionate and offer more affirmation - but she doesn't. She has even admitted that she treats our relationship as an out of sight out of mind kind of thing. Recently she said that when (if?) she moves out here in June that she will go to counseling if I want to, but she isn't interested in it any more.

 

I feel like she has left the marriage, but won't admit it because she doesn't want to hurt me or the kids.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep - I agree with DN. She may be trying to blame her lack of happiness on you, but even though she isn't acknowledging this to herself - it's HER that still isn't happy. Sometimes people go into relationships thinking that when their partner changes, then everything will be OK - mostly the partner doesn't change, and the two of them can carry on a merry dance for months into years, each blaming the other for their feelings.

 

However, if the partner DOES change, then it becomes clear that this wasn't really the issue at all. Sadly, there's nothing you can do to change her state of mind, or her attitude, as this is something which needs to come from her. If she's sufficiently committed to the marriage then counselling should help save it. Otherwise she needs to work on herself, with or without the help of a therapist; that's if she realises that others are not responsible for her feelings and actions.

 

My advice to you is to be true to yourself, don't lose your sense of your own integrity and do your best without trying to change her. It sounds from your post that you are doing far more than 50% of the work in keeping the marriage together, and, for your own sanity, you need to stand back from this.

 

You might also find it helpful to do some research on codependency.

[CallingAllAngels]

Nothing that I can tell. She is having an emotional affair with a "friend." (Although she would deny this.) She refused to move with me when I returned from Iraq (We've been apart since AUG 07) - she wants to wait until the end of the school year. I tell her I don't feel loved and beg her to be more affectionate and offer more affirmation - but she doesn't. She has even admitted that she treats our relationship as an out of sight out of mind kind of thing. Recently she said that when (if?) she moves out here in June that she will go to counseling if I want to, but she isn't interested in it any more.

 

I feel like she has left the marriage, but won't admit it because she doesn't want to hurt me or the kids.

 

WOW.....

 

She has not only physically but she's emotionally gone to you as well?

 

That's terrible.

 

Doesn't sound like you have much to work with. I am so sorry.