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is normal for a man to be this smothering ?


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About 7 months ago I started seeing a really nice guy whom I had met a at a class we did together.

The relationship became very intense very quickly, and at about the 3 month mark, I found myself asking him to slow the pace as Istarted to feel quite smothered. Both of us had been single for quite a few years and are in our 40's.

My requests to slow down the relationship seemed to fall on deaf ears and the pressure began to further mount, with a need to see me & contact me more.

Declarations of love and need started within a month of the relationship and the slow dating period fell away to a full blown relationship with future plans and wanting to meet my family & friends, plans for moving in, renovations , buying a property together etc etc.

 

My asking for the relationship to slow down only brought panic and more desperation -with texts and calls , everytime I wanted to chat he had such great fears that the relationship would end , though this was never my intention at the start. His constant need to discuss the relationship started right from day one - the fun and sponteneity of dating soon left.

 

He started having days when he would make long calls at work in a new job or 1st thing in the morning after we had just seen each other , he would become quite flat and stressed at work , and needed comfort . sometimes he would develop illnesses like rashes , sinus , arm pains ,headaches , I am not sure if they were even real as he would never get treated - was this just for my attention?

 

I ended the relationship 4 months later as I developed insomnia and started having panic attacks and anxiety, and could not concentrate on him or the relationship.

 

Within a month the relationship resumed with his promise that it would be a very slow at my pace, so that I could build up trust and regain my health.

 

All went well until I left on a trip with friends for a few days, and the boundaries I had set in place were all broken .The needy calls, texts started again , his flat mood and fatigue came back and he stated taking control of when we would see one another, and plans with my family ?!

I suggested he seek help or that we seek counselling together.

 

He can’t recognise that he has emotional issues that need to be dealt with and tells me that I keep running away. I ended the relationship as I felt it was not healthy and could not continue.

 

I am very sad and realise I can do nothing to help him, he doesn't recognise he is behaving so controlling and thinks he treats me like a Queen. He is so kind and emotional and when we are together we have such a good time, but when I am not with him he turns into another person.

 

Why is he acting this way? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this ? any advice would be appreciated

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Dont agree with either of you. You are also trying to control the relationship. You made the choice to start out fast and you both went with it. Now you tell him you want to take it slow, Of course he is going to push, you are pulling away. You need to sit down and talk. Make him secure in the relationship, Let him know exactly what you want, if you even know that. Yes it sounds like he has some insecurities, but they are mainly caused by you pulling away, it also Sounds like you have some issues as well. How do you ever plan on getting married someday if you cant stand to be around them or talk to them. I know he took it a little over the top, but I can tell you for a fact that it was caused by you pulling away. Sit down and talk talk talk you could be throwing away something that might be good. You guys are stuck in this push/ pull cycle. Put and end to that cycle and watch your relationship get better.

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Hi wishlist, I have seen this before, I've even been like that myself even, but I'm not anymore.

 

You won't see any change in him until he accepts that he has a problem. If he is still at the stage of "blaming you" for this, then I can't see any way forward.

 

My boyfriend started to act like this a little bit recently, but not to that degree, and it was largely due to me being quite distant and afraid of commitment, but I knew that I wanted to be with him. We had an honest chat, friend to friend, and he understood and admitted as to how he was acting. I was totally honest with him about how it made me feel aswell, smothered, scared etc. Since then, its all changed and we are very happy. It takes acceptance and understanding from both sides.

 

It doesnt mean he is a nutter, it means he is insecure and has some emotional problems, but he really needs to make changes, especially at his age. He needs to realise that he needs to look inside himself and see how damaging his behaviour is instead of blaming all of those around him.

 

I disagree with Reallife, it is only natural for you to pull away if you feel that boundaries are being crossed too early. Plus if you ask for space and arent given it, then I basically think this is an absolute liberty.

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Communication, yes...Being someone's mommy/daddy, I would say not my or her/his job. It's up to him, all she can do communicate but she shouldn't change who she is to make him comfortable, then she is making herself uncomfortable.

 

 

Totally agree with this!

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