Jump to content

Need help, advice, ANYTHING


Recommended Posts

Ok, here goes nothing. I'm not even sure if I'm in the right forum, but at least it's a start. Here's my current situation. My fiance and I have been butting heads recently over a few issues, but the majority have centered on the fact that she thinks I am being controlling of her. I don't think I am being controlling at all.

This past weekend it all came to a head when she announced that she was taking a surprise trip out of town with some mutual friends from a city 3 hours away. I was out of town visiting family and, while I was jealous that she was going to have a fun time without me, I encouraged her and never once told her not to go. She told me she would be driving back home Sunday. Well I called a couple of times over the weekend and couldn't get ahold of her. I figured she was in a bad service area and couldn't call. No big deal. However, when 8pm on Sunday rolled around I still had not heard from her, and neither had her roommate. I began to worry. I tried contacting her friends she was with, and even her mom. Well 11pm rolls around and it turns out she had time to call her roommate, but not me. I tried calling, and she sent me to voice mail. She also deleted me from her myspace and facebook profiles.

I didn't hear anything from her until the next morning, at which point she accused me of trying to manipulate her and control her every movement. She told me she is so mad that she didn't want to talk to me until I got back from seeing my family, and I have not tried calling her.

I guess my question to you all is, should I even bother trying to reconcile this mess? I love her more than anything and am just so confused right now.. I'm sure i've left out detail, and if anything is unclear i will try to clean it up. Thanks!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
How many times did you actually call her?

 

Also, were you obvious in showing your jealousy?

 

And, has this sort of thing happened before??

 

 

 

1) The first time I tried to contact her was Sunday. I called her a total of 3 times all day (1pm, 5pm, 8pm, 11pm). The only reason I called so much was because I was genuinely worried about her safety. It is completely out of the ordinary for her not to call (she usually calls 5+ times a day AT LEAST)

 

2) I wasn't obvious at all. I was simply asking questions so she knew I was interested in the weekend, rather than being dismissive about the whole thing. She has accused me of not taking an interest before, so I always try to show her that I really do care without telling her what to do.

 

3)Nothing this serious has happened before.

 

Guys, I am by myself at home with nobody but my computer to help me out. Was I out of line contacting those people? The only reason I did that was because she has a medical issue that causes me to worry if I dont hear from her. We usually have constant communication and have always had that throughout our 3 year relationship (engaged for 1.5).

Link to post
Share on other sites
It does sound like you've left out some details. It sounds like she's mad at you for something. Any ideas what it could be?

 

 

Hmm...I dont know why she would be mad. The thing I keep coming back to is the fact that her mother hates me and is incredibly emotionally controlling of her (will call her nonstop for no good reason, upwards of 20 times a day). I spoke with my lady on the phone and the whole conversation sounded rehearsed, like someone (mother) had told her exactly what to say. Does that help?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't even seen her in a week and I've been completely transparent in everything I do. In other words, there are no secrets. I feel like she has been lying to me (she tells stories that just dont add up) and trying to distance herself from me. The bottom line is, this is someone I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. We have talked at length about our plans for the future, and then she flips it and doesn't even have the decency to tell me what's really going on in her head. I don't know if she is still wanting to be with me, but if she is, I'm trying to decide if she deserves me after all this immature drama.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I haven't even seen her in a week and I've been completely transparent in everything I do. In other words, there are no secrets. I feel like she has been lying to me (she tells stories that just dont add up) and trying to distance herself from me. The bottom line is, this is someone I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. We have talked at length about our plans for the future, and then she flips it and doesn't even have the decency to tell me what's really going on in her head. I don't know if she is still wanting to be with me, but if she is, I'm trying to decide if she deserves me after all this immature drama.

 

I would be asking myself the same thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds to me like she is not the only one having doubts about your relationship. Your initial comment of "should I even bother trying to reconcile this mess?" and your later comment of "I'm trying to decide if she deserves me after all this immature drama" are a little bit telling of your attitude IMHO. The answer to both of those questions is "YES, of course! But only if you love her...."

 

First of all, as a married guy, I find that it is easy to become too controlling--not because you're a control freak, but because if you genuinely have a ton of care and concern for the other person, you like to keep tabs on them. I'm not a controlling guy, but when my wife complained toward the beginning of our marriage that she felt I was trying to control her, I had to take a step back, validate her opinion and then get to work on the things I was doing and saying to make her feel like that. Just because you don't think you're controlling doesn't mean you don't appear that way to your SO.....chances are she grew up in a different kind of family than you and is used to a different level of independence. IMO, you need to validate her concerns about the control thing and ask her what you can do to make it better for her instead of dismissing it as nonsense because you *know* you're not controlling. Your comment of "I was jealous that she was going to have a fun time without me" is very strange to me. You indeed sound controlling if you have conflicting emotions over your fiance having a good time with anyone but you....

 

Secondly, blocking you on MySpace and Facebook and not answering your calls seems to be a pretty clear indication that she is trying to cut off communication with you. This is not something she woke up one morning and decided to do....it was likely a gradual, planned decision. It sounds like she intentionally waited for you to be out of town to make her break and that she had her friends' support in doing so. The question you have to ask yourself is why would she have to wait for you to be out of town to make a clean break?

 

It sounds like she definitely wants space and if you want to repair things, I think you better give it to her. Wait a couple of days to see if she contacts you....if she doesn't, contact her and calmly tell her how you feel. More importantly, tell her how your ready to listen to what she needs to say--whether you like what you hear or not, you have to accept that it's her opinion. If she feels like your smothering her or controlling her, you've got to own up to the fact that something you're doing or saying is making her feel that way, and if you want to be with her, you better start working on it.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I've seen this kind of situation before with some of my own friends. I hope this gives you a different perspective on your situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the post. I have already had a conversation like that with her about validating her concerns. I have backed off substantially but this has not helped anything at all. As far as a different level of independence, that could be something. Her family is not very affectionate but her mother in particular is VERY controlling (calling upwards of 15-20 times a day, usually to nag her about one thing or another). Throughout our relationship, when one of us has been away, we have always been in close contact. The facebook thing still baffles me; I'm sure it was a planned decision, but it seems like a very immature thing to do. FYI....new evidence has presented itself, and you can read up on that here:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...