I Can't Take it Anymore...

[Soprano]

Hey everyone, this is my second thread here. If you read my past one, me and my girlfriend worked it out, and we're fine as of now. The issue in this thread is a much more serious one however.

 

I can't take the emotional and verbal abuse of my parents any longer. I'm not sure where to start here, as it has been such a large problem that it is hard to sum it up.

 

First of all, I am a good kid. I'm 16 years old, I have never been suspended, got in trouble with the law etc. I don't party and get wasted, I don't smoke, I don't skip school, or go late, or miss projects. In fact, I am a great student, my average this year is a 94, and all of my teachers love me.

 

So why would me and my parents have an issue? Good question...

First I'll list some grievances I've had with them, then how the feelins are, and I'll go from there.

 

My mother is the main problem. She sometimes calls me lazy, and tells me I should get a job like all of the other kids (meanwhile I'd say 50% have one...). I am fine with getting a job, just not during the school year, I dont want to harm my marks! She sometimes calls me an * * * * * * * , arrogant, a * * * * * , etc. She always harasses me about my room being messy, it's clean most days, however the one day where a shirt is on the floor, she is all over me. Meanwhile, my sister's room is always a mess, but she never punishes her. The same thing goes with the bathroom. My mother always grounds me for what seems to be no reason to me, like getting into minor arguments with her. Too be completely honest, I am not sure if I really love her...

 

My father on the other hand brings other problems. He sometimes insults me in front of family etc. He uses the same words against me as my mother and worse. I argue with him alot. He always points out my flaws. With him however, I respect him in alot of ways, and feel that he has alot more interest in me than my mother does. As of lately he has been fair with letting me take the car, going out places etc.

 

Now to look at my sister. Basically, she isnt as smart as me (her average is low 70's on an IEP), she gets into more trouble (nothing horrible, mostly just with not doing school work etc), and she constantly needs to be told to shower, clean up things, she has her breakfast made for her, etc, where I am more independent. My parents never discipline her as much as they do with me, yet she is almost always in a worse situation.

 

The argument today. This is a major problem I have with my parents. When my sister wants me to do something, it becomes my parents issue. As in "Do it for me, not her". If I don't, I am punished... When I need something from her, my parents don't return the favour. For example, I bought new monitor, speakers, keyboard, mouse for my computer. Gave all the old stuff to my sister, and hooked it up. Now, my phone has broken, so I need to find a new one. My sister has two. I ask her for the one she is not using, she says no, my parents back her up and tell me to buy a new one. I say that I should tehn take my computer equipment back, as selling it could easily buy me a new phone, and they threaten me with grounding, not being able to take the car etc. I got into a heated argument with them, and ended up leaving into the basement and punching objects in frustration.

 

During a drive a couple of weeks ago I got into an argument with my father. He basically said "You hate us, and think we're assholes. If you're acting nice, it's just to get something. I've done what I can until you're out of my roof". This hurt, but I realized, at least for my mother, I may not truly love her, like a son should with his mother.

 

I'm sorry for the huge post, but I'm tired of being made to feel like * * * * , for everything good that I am doing in life. My life is GREAT everywhere else. Awesome friends, apart from minor problems a good girlfriend, doing amazing in school etc. Being at home shouldnt be where I am feeling the worst. What should I do...

[Dating Coach]

How old is your sister? I have more to say, but I want to know that piece first.

[Soprano]

She's 13. She's not my age, but she isnt a baby anymore. By her age I was doing well in school all by my self, and much more independent than her.

[fr0z3n]

We both sort of have the same problems... It's just that I'm so pissed as of now thats why I really dont know what to say...

[Soprano]

Still waiting dating coach

[Dating Coach]

Still waiting dating coach

 

Sorry, I was caught up with the baby stuff and didn't notice.

 

First of all, I am a good kid. I'm 16 years old, I have never been suspended, got in trouble with the law etc. I don't party and get wasted, I don't smoke, I don't skip school, or go late, or miss projects. In fact, I am a great student, my average this year is a 94, and all of my teachers love me.

 

Sounds like you are a good kid.

 

My mother is the main problem. She sometimes calls me lazy, and tells me I should get a job like all of the other kids (meanwhile I'd say 50% have one...). I am fine with getting a job, just not during the school year, I dont want to harm my marks!

 

Perhaps she is still in that older mentality that going straight into the workforce is more important than doing well in school? Or maybe she is jealous of your academic achievement.

 

She sometimes calls me an * * * * * * * , arrogant, a * * * * * , etc.

 

It kind of looks like she feels threatened by your academic skills. Maybe she sees you doing so well which was something she never did, and thus she feels "less" by comparison. It is a pretty cruddy way to handle these feelings but perhaps this is the case?

 

She always harasses me about my room being messy, it's clean most days, however the one day where a shirt is on the floor, she is all over me.

 

That's not too unusual. My mom was a neat freak and she would do the same. She'd come home from work and then flip out calling the place a pig stie or whatever and I would look around and think, "What room is she looking at?" I think a lot of parents are like this.

 

Meanwhile, my sister's room is always a mess, but she never punishes her. The same thing goes with the bathroom.

 

Maybe it is because she still babies the girl due to her age, or perhaps she feels she expects different things from the man and the woman. It is possible she is of the mentality that you should be doing things differently because you are a guy and thus things she worries about with you are different than those she worries about with her.

 

Or perhaps she has a favorite. It would suck if this were the case, very unfair, but if it were I wouldn't blame yourself. In fact, in my experience far more kids who weren't the favorites grow up to be better human beings than their siblings. Sometimes that is not true, but in your case it appears to be. Look at it this way, if you mom is being unjust to you in comparison to your sister, she is actually damaging your sister more than she is you. In the end, she screws herself and your sister and you come out ahead.

 

You are studious, are a good person, are courteous, etc. Your sister is more of a spoiled brat. She may get more things and more consideration from your parents now, but the lessons she is learning will bite her in the butt later in life. Even if she can always go back to the parents to get things or get support, she will not be as happy as you will likely be with your life. I think this is because you are well on your way to creating your own path with your own accomplishments, whereas she will likely always crumble when she has to undertake her own life and will end up crawling back to mommy and daddy more.

 

My father on the other hand brings other problems. He sometimes insults me in front of family etc. He uses the same words against me as my mother and worse. I argue with him alot. He always points out my flaws. With him however, I respect him in alot of ways, and feel that he has alot more interest in me than my mother does. As of lately he has been fair with letting me take the car, going out places etc.

 

You have to understand that you father probably hears a lot from mom, much of which may be exaggerated or completely false. So he may be getting the impression that you do have the problems with arrogance and the like that your mom thinks you have.

 

You know your father better than we do of course, perhaps you can figure out a way to talk to him about what you are thinking and feeling. You can even start off the conversation by telling him that you want to hear his opinion because you have always had a lot of respect for him. If you dad hears that, he is probably going to be more likely to listen to what you have to say and take you more seriously. It's a little manipulative but it is the truth, you said you do respect him.

 

Now to look at my sister. Basically, she isnt as smart as me (her average is low 70's on an IEP), she gets into more trouble (nothing horrible, mostly just with not doing school work etc), and she constantly needs to be told to shower, clean up things, she has her breakfast made for her, etc, where I am more independent. My parents never discipline her as much as they do with me, yet she is almost always in a worse situation.

 

Like I said above, you just confirmed. She will likely always be in a worse situation. Your mom's favoritism is actually backfiring on her and your sister. You are the one winning out in life, even if it hurts to feel less appreciated by the woman who should appreciate you the most. I do feel for you here, and it is wrong, especially because I don't think you have done anything to cause this. It may be as simple as a favoritism of gender for your mom, who knows. I don't believe it is your fault, it has to do with her. But in the end her problem here is actually making you stronger and your sister weaker.

 

The argument today. This is a major problem I have with my parents. When my sister wants me to do something, it becomes my parents issue. As in "Do it for me, not her". If I don't, I am punished... When I need something from her, my parents don't return the favour. For example, I bought new monitor, speakers, keyboard, mouse for my computer. Gave all the old stuff to my sister, and hooked it up. Now, my phone has broken, so I need to find a new one. My sister has two. I ask her for the one she is not using, she says no, my parents back her up and tell me to buy a new one. I say that I should tehn take my computer equipment back, as selling it could easily buy me a new phone, and they threaten me with grounding, not being able to take the car etc. I got into a heated argument with them, and ended up leaving into the basement and punching objects in frustration.

 

You aren't the only one who has to deal with this kind of BS. My brother's girlfriend is from a family worse in favoritism that yours, except it is her who is the less wanted child and her brother who gets whatever he wants, even if it is her belongings. Suck it up man, you don't have a whole lot longer you will have to deal with this. A few more years and you will likely be on your own in a dorm or perhaps an apartment with friends. Try to keep a level head even in the face of injustice.

 

During a drive a couple of weeks ago I got into an argument with my father. He basically said "You hate us, and think we're assholes. If you're acting nice, it's just to get something. I've done what I can until you're out of my roof". This hurt, but I realized, at least for my mother, I may not truly love her, like a son should with his mother.

 

That is a pretty weak argument your dad is putting on you. It's not a logically sound argument. What it is though, is a manipulative one. I don't think for a second that your dad believes his words, he is saying them for one reason, and that reason is to make you feel guilty and to manipulate you.

 

Arguing with them has been very pointless. You clearly aren't winning those arguments because they aren't listening to logic or reason. So stop arguing. Try to keep busy and don't be around them as much, but when you are, do what they say. Even if it makes you mad, just suck it up, do as they say when they say it, and be comforted by the fact that this is a very small part of your life and you are nearing the end of having to be stuck with them.

[Soprano]

Wow great advice Dating Coach! Thanks alot I've been trying to do as they say the last couple months, and put up with it, but it's hard. Just have to try harder though

[Soprano]

So it's been a while since I last posted in this topic, just remebered it now. Things have improved alot since then. We still have occasional squabbles like before but they're less frequent and we are in good moods with each other most of the time.

 

I think the fact that University is in a year is having an effect on the relationship, but in a positive way.

 

They've also been alot more lenient with me which is great. They let me go to an all ages club, stay out alot later, take the car more, etc. I really can't complain!