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Past abuse resurfacing


kellyelizabeth
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I'm new to this site and could really use some help. I was emotionally abused by my father though out my childhood and adolescents. My dad became physical with me only once when I was 18 when he cornered me during a fight and punched me in the face. At that point I learned from my mother that he had been physical with her for years. I'm 25 now and my father is a very different person from who he used to be. I've forgiven him.

 

My problem is that I've been dealing with issues of self-esteem and no self worth for years now. I guess I always blamed myself as being "too sensitive" and that all the issues I had were mine and mine alone. I'm married now and am constantly dealing with issues with my husband, about how I am never happy, over react to situations, have extreme anxiety, etc... (My husband is especially uncomfortable dealing with emotions so that doesn't help the situation.) Recently during a fight I had a revelation about my father. I never considered myself to be abused and I guess I kind of pushed all of those feelings aside and blamed myself for how I felt. I plan on going to therapy soon... within the next two weeks, so helpfully that will begin the healing process.

 

My problem now is in realizing all of these things about myself, it's opened a floodgate. Memories are resurfacing and I feel like a basket case. I hate myself. I feel like I'm destroying my relationship with my husband and that he won't want to deal with me anymore because I'm so messed up. I'm so angry all of the time. I just want to feel normal, to actually like myself. I've had increasing thoughts of suicide when I'm feeling anxious because I feel like I've wrecked everything to the point of no return. Logically I know this isn't true, but I still think it because I feel like a monster. I feel like I can't be normal. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense. I just need someone to talk to who understands what this is like.

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My only advice to you is to allow yourself to release all the negative feelings - time and space - read books - gives you a different perspective on things - try Robin Sharma - Discover your destiny with the Monk who sold his Ferrari - fabulous insight on the natural ways of life and is very thought provoking and will help you find inner peace. Know that you are not on your own and that many people come from really disturbing backgrounds that they may never speak about to anyone. Thing is, when we try hold these things inside, they have a way of coming out in funny ways so now you have to try and find coping mechanisms to deal with the situation. Use all your resources and you will get through. Replace every negative thought or action with a positive one - one step at a time. Take the time to look at people around you - there is suffering everywhere - life is about pressure and learning how to deal with it. It is up to you how long you want the healing process to be - a healthy perspective is everything and even if it doesn't come easy at first, keep trying and everything will work out the way it is meant to in the end. Although you can't change the past, you can change the future. I hope this helps. Good luck on your journey.

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How can someone out there say the same exact words that I am feeling? Let me tell you that you are not alone. & I don't mean to jump right to myself, but I am going through the same thing. Deep down I feel so much guilt and shame. I blame myself for everything bad that has ever happened to me in my life. I was also physically and verbally abused when I was a child. In a way, I'm still that child, fighting to get out of the chaos.

 

Somehow, I ended up falling into a depression, that is eating me up inside. My depression stems from anxiety issues that I am struggling with on a daily basis. I keep on thinking of things that happened to me in the past -- and keep on telling myself that I am going to be like that....WELL I"M NOT! THat's one thing that i keep fighting myself on. It's like war inside my head, literally. I am constantly putting myself down.

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wow, I feel the same way as you and I'm only 24 years old. I'm still dealing with this pain and I'm actually having a hard time letting go of these stupid surfacing memories that destroy me as a person also. I'm always angry all the time....and its tearing me apart....I feel like I have to fight with myself everyday of my life. I just want to let you know that you're not alone and I feel your pain. Oh and about the "feeling normal" thing you wrote, sometimes I wonder about that myself....

 

If you ever need anyone to talk to you can always message me.

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Many people go through what you are describing right now and yes any type of abuse is bad. It literally destroys your self-esteem and self-confidence. You can always talk to a counselor if you feel that your husband is not understanding you. He should at this point be considerate of your feelings towards that issue.

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