Recent breakup...Needing help/advice

[Chimera1982]

Alright, so I'm going to try to keep this short, but will probably fail at that. I just want to thank you all in advance for your advice and for reading through this long post. I really appreciate it!

 

I met this guy last summer. We talked for a month and then finally met in person over the July 4th weekend. We had a perfect 1st date on the beach watching fireworks. He's 21. I'm 26. I was wary of starting a relationship with someone younger because I've been down that road before and usually they're just too immature to handle a serious relationship. However, I gave him a chance because I found out that we both had a great upbringing with great parents and both of us have pretty solid morals and values. He also seemed more mature than most 21yo guys are (come to find out, he was more socially mature, but emotionally he was a typical 21yo).

 

Anyway, I was his first relationship. There were no signs a breakup was coming. We never fought. The sex-life was great. We always had great times when we hung out. I loved his friends and he loved mine. I do live 1.5hrs away from him and he is in the architecture program at University of Michigan. It's a very intense program and he spends endless hours in studio. However, I wasn't clingy and gave him all the time he needed and he always said he appreciated that about me. We're both independent people and lead our own individual lives, but thoroughly enjoy the time we did spend together, which was usually every Friday night through Monday Morning for the past 8 months.

 

After about 6 months, I was really enjoying how things were transpiring. I felt comfortable in the relationship. We trust eachother wholeheartedly. We were always there for eachother in times of stress. We both had so much in common. It was just a good, healthy relationship.

 

Anyway, I took a trip to Miami a few weeks ago to visit my best friend who moved down there last year. I flew back into town on March 13th and my boyfriend picked me up from the Airport. I could tell something was up. He said we needed to talk. I knew what was coming because I've heard those words before. I asked him to please not say anything until we got back to his place. Anyway, we got inside and he said that for the last 8 months he's been trying to feel "something" for me that he just hasn't felt. He couldn't describe what this "something" was. He was balling his eyes out the entire time, whereas I didn't really shed a tear. It was as if I were the one breaking up with him. It was really strange. He said he knows I'm an amazing person and that I cared for him more than anybody has in his entire life. He said I'm perfect in every way...but that there was something in his heart he wasn't feeling. He said lately everytime we were intimate, it felt more and more weird for him. He said he felt like I was his best friend. He said he wants someone who he feels crazy about and feels like he can't live without. There were absolutely no harsh words. There was a lot of me holding him while he cried. I essentially agreed with the breakup and said "I agree...I'd like to stay together and work on whatever it is, but that's not going to work if only one of us has our heart in it." There was no begging or pleading whatsoever. It was an INCREDIBLY amicable breakup.

 

In essence it was the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" breakup. I feel like it was a combo of that + GIGS since he's never had anything to compare me to + him being 21 and thinking that relationships should be like some fairytale where you feel butterflies and fireworks forever.

 

Anyway, I went NC immediately. He texted me a couple days later and just asked "How are you doing?". I didn't respond. He wrote on my facebook wall the next day and said "Remember...I'm not going anywhere". I didn't respond to that either. Then, a few days later, which would've been last Wednesday, the 18th, he sent me this email:

 

I know I could go on with this, and make it very long, but I am going to stick to the points as much as possible.

 

First, you have been one of the biggest influences in my entire life. I do not care if you hate me or never want to talk to me again. I don’t care if you talk * * * * about me, think I was stupid for what I did, or think I am a horrible person… But the fact remains, and always will, that you have been the single largest influence in my life. I respect you so much and think you have one of the biggest hearts of any person in the world. You truly are a one in a BILLION person.

 

Second, I want you to know that I never intended to hurt you in any way. I have been learning along this journey of life and just tried to do the best thing. I didn’t just want to follow what I thought was right, but I wanted to follow what I felt was right. There has been a constant struggle, and I am sorry I dealt with things the way I did. No doubt some of the things I did were stupid, but honest to God, they were all in the best intentions.

 

Third, I want you to know how much I really do care about you. I would do anything for you. Anything. I would fly to the moon if I had to. You are one quality person that this world needs in it. If there is anything you ever need, or if you ever just want to talk or confide in me. I promise I will be here to listen and give the best support I can.

 

Fourth, I know it may be a long time before any of that happens, and the possibility that it might never happen, but I will remain hopeful and am always going to be receptive to a friendship.

 

Fifth, I can honestly say that I love you as a person. And I really mean, that. I am going to keep you in my prayers and thoughts always, and I really wish you well.

 

Love,

xxxx

 

 

I did not respond to this letter, but this was the point where I really started to feel the breakup. For the whole week prior, I was pretty numb and felt pretty good for the most part.

 

Anyway, this past Sunday, he calls. I didn't pick up. He called later and I decided to answer. The whole conversation was him telling me he's sorry and he was crying again and talking about how his parents had to come visit him because he hasn't been doing very well with the whole thing. He talked about how he didn't want to lose my friendship. I told him that I didn't know when we'd be able to hang out again because I needed time to heal. He said he probably needs time too.

 

Finally, after that phone call, I haven't heard from him since. However, today another setback occurred for me. He posted on a mutual girlfriend's wall on facebook and it said something to the effect of "we need to hangout soon because I have a feeling I'll be making some trips to California with you soon ". This girl is in a LDR with a guy from Cali who she's madly in love with. I've also gotten word that my ex has been texting back and forth with a guy in California since our breakup and they've been flirting and have taken a liking to eachother.

 

I just can't believe that he has moved on already. I can't believe he's already planning trips out to CA to see this guy. I can't believe this is the same guy I just dated for nearly 9 months. He was always so level-headed and mature and I feel like he knows better than to jump into some rebound relationship. What is he doing?

 

I just need some advice now. He was like my best friend, so I feel a deep sense of loss right now. I'm dealing with my feelings by hitting the gym and focusing on myself. Apparently he's dealing with his feelings (unless he doesn't have any and is already over me) by flirting and lusting over some guy in Cali.

 

Anyway, this has gotten way too long and I'm sorry. I just feel a little lost right now. I don't know if I should maintain NC. I feel like if I just disappear, he's going to get caught up in lust with this guy in CA and totally forget about me and everything we had.

 

We both have things of eachothers that we need to return at some point. What would you guys do?

[Paul Waul]

I'm not the best at giving advice, but it does seem to me that you kind of snubbed him.

 

If I was in the same situation and I tried to contact the other person trying to apologize and make amends, and I got snubbed, it would be very devastating emotionally.

 

I know that you needed time to heal as well, but it seems to me that he was trying to plant the seeds of friendship in the ashes of your relationship, and that you weren't watering them. And now, you can't understand why he's moved on so rapidly.

 

One thing I can input is my view of younger people. No matter how mature we are, there will always be one or two areas where our true age shines through. Younger people do often tend to bounce back more easily, from any kind of injury. He may also be trying to fill the gap that was left after your breakup.

 

This is just my 2 cents, but it seems to me that if you want to salvage a friendship out of this, you need to do some apologizing, and you shouldn't delay too long either, as he may be too hurt emotionally.

 

Hope I help, sorry if I didn't. Good luck.

[Chimera1982]

Thanks for the advice. He knows that I care about him. He knows I'll always be there for him. When we talked on the phone on Sunday I told him how much I missed him and told him that I didn't want to lose his friendship either. But I feel like he must understand that it isn't going to happen immediately, which I think he does understand by what he wrote in that letter to me. I need time to focus on myself and heal. It would be too painful to just jump into a friendship right now and act like everything is ok.

[Nina_2009]

Chimera 1982, I could see myself being you and I could see myself being him. What is important - why he felt a need to pull himself out of your relationship. What was shifting his balance? Obviously it is not a sexual orientation issue, otherwise he wouldn't be flirting with guy in CA. So, it was something in the relationship that was a problem, there was a breach in connection. I do believe that friendship could be born and easily blossom only if you understand the nature of this lost connection (or may it is never existed?). Otherwise you will remain strangers to each other, people who built two different castles of illusions that are collapsed. One thing is an ultimate loyalty and dedication to your commitment and another thing - true understanding of each other. I would bet on understanding as a main thing for relationship that never die. Besides how friendship is different from love? It is the same love but without sex. If one truly unconditionally loves another why that would be a problem?

[Chimera1982]

Nina, thank you so much for your reply. He called me last night and we just cried together on the phone for over an hour. He admitted to flirting with this guy in CA and said that he just got infatuated and he's been so depressed since we broke up that he was just latching onto anything that felt good. We both said how much we missed each other and about how we were eachother's best friends. This is absolutely the strangest breakup I've ever been through.

 

I feel that we had/have something special. But I feel like it's just the wrong time. I don't think he knows what true love feels like. He doesn't understand that it isn't the fairytale storybook crap. I think that's what he's looking for. It's really a sad story because we really could have something truly special if only he was a few years older and had gone through the experiences I've been through. I understand that relationships aren't about rainbows and butterflies. My mom always tells me that my dad is her best friend, so for me that's what a relationship is about. I didn't feel weird that this boy felt like my best friend in the relationship. Apparently it felt weird to him though.

 

I dunno. I miss him greatly and it's obvious he misses me. However, it's also obvious that he wants everything we had in the relationship, just minus the intimacy and I'm torn right now. I want to give that to him just so I can have him back in my life, but I can't help thinking that if I see him right now, I'll still have those intimate feelings for him and it'll just make me hurt more than I already am.

 

Ugh, this sucks

[Nina_2009]

There is something that gives me an impression you have a disconnection. I would wonder what it is exactly that made him uncomfortable in intimacy. Usually it is two things: 1) either roles in the relationship were shifted that one would see another as someone with whom sex would be unnatural or 2) one doesn't love another and as a result do not want to be connected to this person. From what you are saying the second is not the case. You mentioned more than once about his age, his inability to be mature in his emotions, I wonder if this message is so clear from your posts here how it was clear for him through your relationship. It could cause a problem and I wonder whose problem it is. If he felt that he doesn't deserve you or felt that he always needs to live up to your standards it could cause awe and stress and he could lose a necessary carefree mood to be able to be comfortable with you. If he saw you as sort of God or guardian or some life teacher I wouldn't be surprised that he lost carnal feelings toward you. And if that is the case I wouldn't see it as his problem. Just a thought. If I were you, and I wouldn't be willing to shut down this relationship, I would make an effort and try to inquire what it is exactly that turned relationship this way. I would check this theory. We are all vulnerable no matter how old we are. That is why we are looking for the one whom we trust with our faults and weaknesses... Have he felt even once that he is the one who is responsible for you? I think, it is a very important feeling in the relationship that could break two people or cement their union.... From what you are saying I feel that there is a potential for things to grow, may be I am wrong

[Chimera1982]

Nina,

 

Thanks again for the advice. It seems you have a great understanding of what the problem was in our relationship.

 

Last night, I had to make the hardest decision of my life and I told my ex that we can't talk anymore and I will be in touch with him when I'm ready to see him as just a friend. He understood and promised to be there whenever that may be. I just realized that talking to him every day was helping him through the breakup, but it was delaying my healing process. I've never heard him cry like he did last night and it's been a LONG time since I've cried so hard.

 

So, today starts my no contact with him and it sucks just as bad as I thought it would. I think it's hitting me now that this is really final...that there's no going back...that we'll never be together again in a romantic way. It's an empty, soul-wrenching feeling, but I know I'm a strong person and I know this is what's best for me. So, now I need to take some time to focus on myself for awhile and just hope that one day we can reconnect as best friends without the intimate feelings.

[lukeb]

I'm sorry to hear that you guys we'ren't able to get past really getting to know one another and being able to make it work. Seems to me there was enough there to make a go of it but to get past the first 6 months in a relationship is a tricky thing. Emotions run really high, but not very deep and it just isnt sustainable in the long run. It doesnt take much in the first stage to cause the relationship to crash and burn. From what I can tell, yes there was a bit of an age difference, but I think you guys were pretty close to each other in terms of where you were at in life.

 

Look after yourself I wish you the best of luck.