He's Just Not That Into You...or Me...

[WomanWriter]

Has anyone seen the movie or read the book He's Just Not That Into You?

 

I checked out both yesterday and, sad to say, I saw so many signs that my ex really wasn't that into me at all when we were together. And from everything I've read in this forum, it's obvious that the majority of dumpers were truly "just not that into you"

 

The excuses we've all been given: I need to find myself, I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm afraid of commitment, The timing is bad, It's me not you, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm not ready to get married (or marriage is just a social custom), We don't have the money, I need space, etc. etc. are included in the book.

 

At first, I thought the book would just be some humorous pop psych, a fun read but nothing more...then when I actually read the book (and saw the movie), I found tons of OBVIOUS clues that I neglected to see before...such as my ex belittling me, not calling when he said he would, sometimes not being as affectionate as I needed him to be, etc. Also, the fact that he chose not to marry me after he said he would should have been the most obvious sign of all that he JUST ISN'T THAT INTO ME!

 

The book's premise is basically that if a man REALLY loves you (assuming he's a regular mentally healthy guy), he will do whatever it takes to be with you. There are rare exceptions but even in those cases, he will usually tell you upfront that he wants to be with you and what adjustments he needs in the relationship.

 

So now I'm staring this EVIDENCE in the face and I can't help but feel somewhat relieved knowing that there were signs all along. I went back and read some of my ex's emails (we used to email each other sometimes when we were upset) and I could not BELIEVE how condescending he was to me! My emails sounded reasonable..I would validate his feelings along with sharing my own. But his were just MEAN and insulting! He would often make himself sound superior to me and I would just TAKE IT! I didn't defend myself, always gave merit to what he was saying about ME!

 

Like he said he wanted me to dress up in an outfit he wanted. I told him I would do it for HIM (how pathetic huh?) but that I have my own style. He basically tore me apart and said that I don't have any style and he wants to help me be more hip ( * * * ?). He thought so low of me and I didn't tell him to kiss my @ss?! HOW COULD I HAVE PUT UP WITH THAT FROM HIM?!

 

I feel so angry at myself for letting him ABUSE ME! He DID abuse me and he wouldn't even admit it. But it was also my fault for NOT STANDING UP TO HIM rightly. I shouldn't have validated his opinion...I should have told him to go to ****!

[OrangeMoon]

And now you have learned...

 

be thankful for him teaching you this valuable lesson in life..once you have given it a place..you WILL next time recognize if someone is not into. you...before your heart is into them...

 

Bless him..and lots of love to you...

 

Because now you are a step closer to the one who was meant for you...

[SapphireNoir10]

Its a pretty true book, but not in every circumstance.

[nutbrownhare]

I thought 'He's Just NOT That Into You' was a brilliant book; very funny, because true. The only place I parted company with it was in the descriptions of 'How it should look'... because I personally would find the level of attention he was advocating to be a bit cloying.

 

It's the simplicity of it which gives it its brilliance, I think.

[WomanWriter]

Thanks for responding, you guys.

 

I just went back and read some earlier emails. They were very open and loving, not at all like the more recent condescending ones. It seems I had a lot more attitude in the earlier years of our relationship and he actually respected me and treated me better (when I tended to be more mean towards HIM). But as time went on, I tried to be really reasonable and accomodating towards him and somehow lost respect in his eyes. He must have lost interest in me...because in those earlier emails, he was bursting with passion, telling me he wanted me forever, loved me so much, was so attracted to me that he wanted to burst. He said he'd always be there for me, loved my company, missed me so much, was thinking about me all day, etc.

 

It's amazing this is the same guy, huh? I guess he DID used to be into me and NOW or when we broke up, he STOPPED being into me. It's a shame to think I had to be mean to him to be respected, then when I started being more reasonable, he took me for granted and started being an a-hole.

[rapunzel]

Funny, I found the book to be rather insulting to both sexes and ultimately depressing....sure there were funny parts but check out some of the negative reviews on Amazon which I have to agree with.

[Day_Walker]

I think that the book and the movie present some general indications that show a guy isnt into a girl. I do not think that the book should be taken as gospel because it was not designed to be an accurate depiction of the way that men and women interact instead it was specifically marketed to be a superficial good read to people that have had frustrations in relationships.

 

One great lie that the book and movie perpetration is that if a guy is into a girl that he will stop at nothing to get her or keep her. Life is too complex for such a rule but that is how people want it to be because it is a simple solution rather than the reality of the situation being complex and multifaceted.

[WomanWriter]

 

One great lie that the book and movie perpetration is that if a guy is into a girl that he will stop at nothing to get her or keep her. Life is too complex for such a rule but that is how people want it to be because it is a simple solution rather than the reality of the situation being complex and multifaceted.

 

Yeah, that makes sense. I guess this is assuming that guys are prefectly mentally fit and have no hang-ups...but a fact of life is that most, if not every person has some kind of hang-up or issue to address, so we have to account for that. But even so, I do think that if you really and truly are into someone, you will make an honest effort. If you have hang ups getting in the way, it will affect your effort but it will probably also affect your ability to love in the first place. This applies to all of us since we are all imperfect, I guess. For me, though, the book and movie were pretty accurate and make a lot of sense. Not 100 percent, but still helpful.

[WomanWriter]

Ugh!! Now I see why everyone knocks Myspace! I just saw some recent pics posted my ex's cousin! My ex lost weight is looking hot! He has new clothes and there is a picture of him texting on his cell phone with a big smile on his face! In another pic, he is playing video games with some people looking all happy. And he's clean-shaven the way I liked, his hair looking all nice too. ARGH! It's not fair! He hurt me. He should suffer! lol

[ellandroader]

One great lie that the book and movie perpetration is that if a guy is into a girl that he will stop at nothing to get her or keep her. Life is too complex for such a rule but that is how people want it to be because it is a simple solution rather than the reality of the situation being complex and multifaceted.

 

I agree. Sometimes you can meet someone who you love very much but they make it as difficult as hell to work, whether it is intentional or not. Even if a guy is into you, anyone with an ounce of self respect can only take so much. Books and movies like this seem to assume that the woman is always in the right and fully fit for a relationship...not always the case. It just papers over a lot of cracks and truths that may come up in real life relationships and not just your stereotypical ones that are covered here.

[WomanWriter]

Ya, I guess it doesn't fit all cases. It's more like when both partners are basically not going through major issues which is not that realistic afterall. In many cases though, I think it fits and I think it's similar for guys.

 

In your case though, Dan, I definitely think it's different because you didn't dump her because you didn't care. I would consider you more like a dumpee in this case since you felt like SHE wasn't that into YOU and that's why you left. I think the book still has implications for both sexes but not in the cut and dry way it's presented.

[browneyedgirl36]

Funny, I found the book to be rather insulting to both sexes and ultimately depressing....sure there were funny parts but check out some of the negative reviews on Amazon which I have to agree with.

 

I can see your point, in a way -- the humor is very sarcastic, and there are definitely generalizations in it, but I actually found the book immensely helpful because for me, it prevented me from falling prey to all of the excuses people tend to make when someone isn't calling, isn't following through, etc. I worried that I would find it depressing, but in fact, I found it to be quite the opposite.

 

For example, in the past I've allowed myself to buy into the "he's just too busy to call me" excuse or the "He really likes me, he's just afraid" excuse. I know that people DO get busy, and I know that people DO get afraid, but I believe that if I really matter to someone, he will take 2 minutes to call me to say hello. I believe that if he really IS afraid of getting involved because he's been hurt before, he will be honest and upfront with me about it from the beginning and that if he really wants to make things work with me he will work to put those fears to rest. I would definitely do the same for someone I really cared about, and I have done those things.

 

One of my dearest friends is the queen of excuses when it comes to men. She has been strung along by several men in her life, the most recent one being very much like the examples used in the book. This guy says he'll call and doesn't, claims to have not received some of her e-mails and other messages (hence he doesn't respond), and basically only sees her if she initiates plans. They are not actually dating -- they are just "friends" (although they did sleep together once -- another story altogether), but they see each other about once every two months, and they live 10 minutes from each other, max. She has such low expectations of this guy, and it kills me to see it because she's in love with him and does want a relationship with him, but she's accepting scraps. Gahhhhh! I've tried to tell her that a guy who really likes her would want to see her more often and would ask to see her, but she just makes excuses about how "busy" he is. I suspect he's "busy" trying to meet other girls.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I can understand why some wouldn't like the book. It's definitely not everyone's taste. I do think that some of the points in it are helpful, though.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think that the book and the movie present some general indications that show a guy isnt into a girl. I do not think that the book should be taken as gospel because it was not designed to be an accurate depiction of the way that men and women interact instead it was specifically marketed to be a superficial good read to people that have had frustrations in relationships.

 

One great lie that the book and movie perpetration is that if a guy is into a girl that he will stop at nothing to get her or keep her. Life is too complex for such a rule but that is how people want it to be because it is a simple solution rather than the reality of the situation being complex and multifaceted.

 

I agree with you here, that life IS too complex for such a rule. However, I also think that people who care about each other will make some discernible effort, and to me, taking a minute or two to call the other person (or return a call) or making time to see them -- even if it's just for a few hours -- isn't an unrealistic expectation, and I hate to see people telling themselves things to make themselves feel better (i.e. "I KNOW she likes me; she just doesn't have time to see me for the next few weeks" or "He isn't asking me out because he's been hurt before and is afraid of relationships.") Most of the time (notice I say MOST) these are just excuses. Certainly, there are exceptions.

[Fionnuala]

I think the entire concept of that book is total bs. People are way too complex for those kind of mass generalizations. But then that's why I don't really like most dating advice books.