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Losing hope of finding someone...


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Hey, guys and gals...

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from posting this, but I feel like I need some kind of outlet, someone to bare my feelings to. I'd like to talk with my friends about it, but I feel like they would look down on me for feeling the way I do.


So here's my situation... I'm a 23 year old guy graduating from college this May. I've never had a real relationship. The closest I've come is a girl I dated for about a month before we broke up and she got back together with her ex-boyfriend. I've had a couple random drunken hookups at parties, but I never talked with the girl after the next day.


I guess with graduation coming up, I'm starting to feel like my opportunities for finding someone are going to be severely limited, and I'm starting to freak out a bit. All of this kind of came to a head in the last week or so due to two things. First off, my fraternity's Formal is this weekend, and I hadn't planned on going to it until a few days ago. I never bothered finding a date for it, and I feel like I can't go to it without a date, because then I'd be that weird guy who doesn't know any girls. I'm considering just not even going to it just to save myself the embarrassment of going with some complete stranger or going stag.


The second factor that has really brought me down in the last week is that I'm getting really mixed signals from a girl I've known for the last three years. She was roommates with one of my (female) friends for two years, so we knew each other off and on for the last couple years. Soon after I met her, we went out to bars and parties as part of the same group a few times, and I planned to ask her out. Unfortunately almost on the exact day I was going to ask her out, she started dating another guy, who she was in an abusive relationship with for the last year and a half. She recently broke up with him, and is now dating another guy.


I'd kind of lost interest in her, until recently. When we were hanging out one night, she told me that she had really wanted to hook up with me before she started dating the first (abusive) guy, and that she regretted dating him instead of me. She started texting me occasionally, and found my AIM screenname and initiates conversations with me a couple times a day. I started to get the feeling that she might be into me, and I would like to explore our relationship, if so.


However, she's still dating another guy, and occasionally tells me how much she likes him and what a great guy he is. On the other hand, she keeps asking me to come hang out with her, and we sat and chatted the other night for about four hours. She's often really flirty with me, and sometimes I find our eyes lingering on each others' for what seems like forever.


My conundrum is that I can't tell whether she's into me, or whether I'm getting into deep friend-zone territory. Even if we don't become anything more, I'd like to remain friends with her, but I have little interest in being her "harmless guy friend". Anyone have any suggestions on how to tell whether she's interested in me as anything more than just a friend?


I thought a good way to approach it would be to invite her to my Fraternity's Formal this weekend, where we could spend a couple days hanging out just with each other and see how things clicked. Unfortunately she's taking a grad-school exam this weekend, so she can't go to Formal with me. Any other ideas on how to approach the situation? Can I just outright ask her what she wants our relationship to be? I have the feeling that would turn out poorly, but I don't know how else to approach it.


Anyway, the combination of her mixed signals and not having anyone to take to Formal this weekend has me really down at the moment. I have this heart-rending fear that I'm never going to find anyone to be with. I look around me, and it seems like all my friends have been in relationships forever. Some of my closest friends from college are even getting engaged and getting married soon. I can't help feeling that there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me un-dateable, but I can't tell what it is. I'm not a bad looking guy, and I'm physically in good shape, so I feel it must be something wrong with my personality, but I can't tell what it is.


I guess the bottom line is, I just needed to vent, and I'd like to get the thoughts and feelings of some of you out there who have been through the same things.

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Hey there lonesomedude,

I highly doubt that there is anything un-dateable about your personality. You seem intelligent and mature so I think you would have come up with something by now.


It definitely seems that you've had bad luck with girls in the past. It sucks getting dumped for an ex...I know.


The good thing is that you are only 23 which means you have years to find a partner. How many people actually find their soul-mate by age 23? Not many!


As for the mixed-signals. I'd just talk to her. If you have feelings for her, tell her.

Good luck

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Well if it makes you feel any better, I'm 26 and haven't had any real relationship either. The only time I "dated" a guy was in 8th grade because he asked me out. I didn't even like him romantically. So I ended it after a few months. He never got over it. Haven't had any boyfriends since then.


You are still very young and there's PLENTY of time to find someone. Just give it time, it will happen when you least expect it. In the meantime, love yourself and be happy single. That happiness will shine through and people will be attracted to it. Relationships should be an enhancement to your life, not a necessity.

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