jennamajig Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 Hi Jenna, I remember your posts from the 30 NC Challenge. If you haven't broken NC, you have achieved over 4 months as you begun it in the third week of November last year. I remember, because that's when I started mine, too and I would say I'm 90% there! Keep going, don't let one bad week spoil your journey Thanks, justmyview. I did have a weak day at one point, where I sent a letter (I know!) but it was closure letter, since I needed some for me. It wasn't mean (I'm not mean - not my nature) and I never expected a response, never got one, and you know what - didn't kick myself and survived. We all find our own closure. I had a rocky January and I'm struggling with all of the emotions that have surfaced about my life that the break-up just brought to life. But I found a therapist and it helps. Like I said, this week I was just a bit down. But never had the urge to break NC. Why bother? And 90% there? Go you! You are strong. Link to comment
jennamajig Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 jennamajig Post#50. I agree: what is the point here? MOVE ON...stop thinking of 'if' they'll return...MOVE ON>..it is so liberating once you're in this headspace...flip 'em the bird learn what to do/not to do next time, get some TLC from other sources, improve yourself and MOVE ON. Very true. Moving on is easier said than done, and I've fought/am still fighting my own battles with it. But that's just it - even if you are fighting a battle with moving on, you are making an effort to. That is a first step; realizing moving on must be done and trying to see what you (as it is a personal journey, I believe) need to do in order to best achieve it. Now, it may take some time - most of us wish it would happen overnight - but this is where NC and time help immensely. Live your life before he/she was in it. Then it doesn't matter if they come back ever. And one important thing: Do something you loved that your ex hated. Something perhaps you compromised on to make him or her happy, something "you" you lost when you were a couple. It is so freeing and when you do it and enjoy it, you've taken a small step forward without even realizing it. Link to comment
justmyview Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 And 90% there? Go you! You are strong. Yes, I'm proud of myself! However, I did it through STRICT NC. I wrestled with it up to about a month ago, had a couple of weak days last week, but generally I am fine. At the beginning of this NC stint, it was like three steps forward, two steps back, but now it's like one hundred steps forward, one step back! Link to comment
jennamajig Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 Yes, I'm proud of myself! However, I did it through STRICT NC. I wrestled with it up to about a month ago, had a couple of weak days last week, but generally I am fine. At the beginning of this NC stint, it was like three steps forward, two steps back, but now it's like one hundred steps forward, one step back! Exactly! NC does get easier with time, and despite my set back earlier this week, I have rebounded much quicker. When you have a moment of weakness, it becomes easier to dismiss. Of course, I don't think you reach that point until you've agreed to at least try and let go. This could be true for both the dumper or dumpee. Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I was shocked (it was very sudden and he just gave up) and discovered a lot of things about my relationship that were not healthy. This is a key statement - hindsight is 20/20. You may find all sorts of things that were wrong and smack yourself blue, saying "Why didn't I take note of that?!" I went and got a book on relationships - what works, what doesn't, problems you may have or they may have, and I learned so much - the book helped me dredge up all the red flags from the relationship that I didn't give much attention to at the time. It helped me see not so much what was wrong with her, but with ME and reasons why I settled, letting the big things slide. When you take those rose-colored glasses off, it's much easier to see things clearly. Maybe that's why a lot of us can give relationship advice to others but keep none for ourselves. Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Yes, but we people are human. We are fallible. We make mistakes. We take what we have for granted. Things get stale and boring and lead us sometimes to believe that we have fallen out love. Some people don't realise what "true love" is, until they've lost it. Often times, because they have an wholly unrealistic idea of what "true love" and think it has to be fireworks every day.Yes, sometimes you never know what you've got until it's gone. IMO, that was our case. In his opinion though it IS possible to have fireworks every day - he must have had that in one of his LTRs... or maybe there was a different type of trick to it (like sick kind of excitement: abuse, cheating... I don't know) Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thing about love is, there are stages, and it changes and grows constantly from the "infatuation" phase to the "comfortable" phase to the "commitment" phase... some people don't realise this and think they're falling out of love just because there are no fireworks. more mature people would know the difference. that's just what I feel... after reading a lot on this topic... Link to comment
odile Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thing about love is, there are stages, and it changes and grows constantly from the "infatuation" phase to the "comfortable" phase to the "commitment" phase... some people don't realise this and think they're falling out of love just because there are no fireworks. more mature people would know the difference. that's just what I feel... after reading a lot on this topic... Yeah, but even without full-on fireworks, there should be sparks. In the absence of that (and especially in cases where there is no longer will to create any), then you may as well be roommates. Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Yeah, but even without full-on fireworks, there should be sparks. In the absence of that (and especially in cases where there is no longer will to create any), then you may as well be roommates. That's true - you still have to have chemistry. But some people mistake the end of the honeymoon phase as being no sparks and no more chemistry. Link to comment
ezious Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 That's true - you still have to have chemistry. But some people mistake the end of the honeymoon phase as being no sparks and no more chemistry. Very similar to how my relationship ended. She felt there had to be constant fire-works. Chemistry was still there, and 1 month before the breakup we were all over each other, and very publicly affectionate... However, that feeling was not there every single day, and the relationship had grown into comfortable love. A small fight/argument occurred, and that's when she decided she wanted to continue looking for that constant fireworks feeling, since she's still only 22. One week later, she went back to her past (abusive relationship, cheated on, and was alcoholic) because she believed fireworks would be there forever. Two months later I received a text message saying "I'm sorry. I don't know what I want -- my past, or what I know is best for me. But I need to figure this out myself." I did not respond to that message. Her past was apparently very strong, but they broke up twice in their 1 year together due to fighting, emotional abuse, and him cheating. Our relationship, which she says she believes is what's best for her, also lasted 1 year, and consisted of only 2 fights that lasted about an hour. It also started very strong, but the honey moon period ended at around 7 months. I try not to rationalize though and accept it for what it is. This person is still young, and needs to see more in life to know what's best for her. All I know is that I would never take her back despite all our great times together. I know what I look for long term, and I don't see it in that person. Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Well looks like you're going to get some real love missy! All my happy friends are telling me now: "It hit me when I gave up and focused on myself", "I didn't expect it, wasn't looking for it, didn't even want it" - and that's when it happens. IRONY! So yeah, my prediction for you is: HE is on his way Link to comment
needs Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Has anyone had a situation where an ex came back afte NC period of 6 months or more? Or at that point is it just a lost cause? Link to comment
odile Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Has anyone had a situation where an ex came back afte NC period of 6 months or more? Or at that point is it just a lost cause? Read through this whole thread-- there are some stories and observations regarding this topic in the middle of the thread. Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Has anyone had a situation where an ex came back afte NC period of 6 months or more? Or at that point is it just a lost cause? Yea, the thread explains it all. In my experience, after 6 months if they show up it's strictly friendly. But I think that's just because I never had a serious, mature, long term relationship... It's all up to reasons of break up and what you two had together before - and of coarse personalities... However I do have a story of a guy totally dissapearing: he could easily find me, I can't track him down, I'm kinda saddened he never tried cause we've been friends for so many years Link to comment
canali Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 That's the thing ie once you start to focus on NC and other positive activities with yourself real healing begins... you realize that you no longer need their presence or return to your life to validate your worth....I had a bad day yesterday despite that the fact that I just posted a few days ago on being single happy and moving on ...on those weaker days of 'will they call or contact me' or whatever stop and try to use some hard cold rationality ie remember the crap at the end of the relationship and not how it was in the good times....is it really all of them you miss or only parts (without their bull * * * * that drove you mad)?. ..the seduction of selective recall will kill us!... are you also just feeling lonely to be loved and/or need to be in the company of other caring people making connections? ...this going back and forth helped me get through some mud and I just wanted to share...lastly due to my past I have a problem with endings and so can irrationally idealize my partner and or filter out important data I should be paying attention to...so am also seeing a therapist to resolve some past issues and accelerate the healing...I'm sure my situation is shared by many. Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Perfectly stated! *selective memories *need for love itself - not necessarily from the ex Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thing about love is, there are stages, and it changes and grows constantly from the "infatuation" phase to the "comfortable" phase to the "commitment" phase... some people don't realise this and think they're falling out of love just because there are no fireworks. more mature people would know the difference. that's just what I feel... after reading a lot on this topic... My ex was pretty mature (hm or maybe not!) and had a lot of experiences and still couldn't tell the difference I keep blaming myself for being ordinary , cause this is why he left (well he didn't put it this way cause he's too caring of a person). I look at the girls on the bus, in the supermarket, at work and think: they are probably so much more interesting, how to be more like them - and this is how I know I'm going crazy Link to comment
canali Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Elsewhere ...easy sweetheart ...what is ordinary to one can be perceived as gentle softspoken and easygoing to another....so your ex dude didn't like the lovely flavour of vanilla with its subtle complexities...but believe me there are just as many guys who do!...keeping this in mind try to be honest as per how your friends see you and get some feedback ie is there anything to tweak in behaviour and attitude without truly changing your core for the next time around to increase growth and inner happiness?..heck my ex dissed me not a "guys guy" because I liked clothes and wanted to look good but also that I was not a handyman ...and that i wanted to go shopping with her to buy her some new outfits as she was not into looking good all that much (how reversed were our roles lol)..different strokes ..seems a lot of women would like the qualities I have I have since learned....got to work on them handyman skills however lol (that I grew up without a dad is my excuse). Link to comment
sandrawg Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Elsewhere, sounds like your ex was suffering from "grass is greener" syndrome. There's a lot of info posted on that on this forum. You should check it out. In the meantime, try to love yourself and not compare yourself to every woman you see on the bus or out in public...you have your own unique, beautiful, non-ordinary qualities, and if he didn't appreciate them, he either has problems, or maybe you two were just not compatible. Just because we may not be exactly what someone we love is looking for, does not make us any less valuable. Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Canali, I can't believe it - my ex was just the same, and me as a girl have pretty ignorant attitude toward clothes too! haha, and there were so many other things that made him more feminine than me (and I AM feminine lol) I loved him anyways, love diminishes all flaws Sandrawg you must be right! I know he's been messing aroung with at least 2 girls - for all I know. Who knows how many pseudo relationships he's had by now - maybe better than struggling like myself unable to fall for someone... Thank you guys!!! Link to comment
jammer180 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I got dumped about 8 months ago, for another girl, and we didn't speak afterwards at all. He gave me lame excuses for the breakup which really hurt my feelings and I was totally heartbroken, and he could see it. I found out a week later it was for another girl, but never told him I knew that. I just did NC and tried to move on. 6 months later, i got an email from him asking how i was, saying he'd been wondering about me and hoped i was well. said he didn't expect to hear back but it would nice to, and that he'd love to tell me what's been going on with him but wasn't sure i'd want to hear it so thought he'd leave it out for now... i ignored the email because it came out of the blue, and i had no idea what he wanted, and it kinda sounded like he wanted to tell me about his gf so it hurt my feelings. a few days later he messaged me on msn and i was so annoyed that he'd gone and tried to contact me again when i ignored his email, that i blew up at him telling him that i already knew about his gf, knew the entire time, wasn't impressed and had nothing to say to him. he got a bit upset, we talked a bit and he was asking a bunch of questions about my job and what's been going on wth me, and i finally jsut ended the conversation saying listen i cant be friends with you i haven't forgiven you and he said he'd just wanted to know how i was. this left me sooo confused for weeks. i figure though, because i know how much he hates to be the bad guy or feel guilty, that he's probably happy with his gf, and wanted to be able to stop feeling guilty about hurting me, so i figure he was just checking in to see if i was ok so he could feel better. or somethin like that i guess, i figure it was just selfish on his part. either that or, that he wanted to let me know how happy he was with her so he could somehow justify his choice.... i haven't heard from him since. but i don't expect to as i did tell him that contacting me after i ignored his email was rude, as it shouldve been my choice if i wanted to contact him at that point or not, he said he understood and that he was sorry and wouldnt contact me again. we did have one other conversation where i messged him a few days later to apologize for blowing up at him and we chatted a bit about whats been going on with us, i figured he'd know then that it's ok to talk to me if he wants to but that he needs to understand that i cant be his friend and that i know what he did and that it hurt me... but i havent heard from him since. so i guess he wasnt trying to get back inot my life, i have no idea why he bothered contacting me after 6 months of NC. i find it selfish and hurtful to be honest. Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 this left me sooo confused for weeks. i figure though, because i know how much he hates to be the bad guy or feel guilty, that he's probably happy with his gf, and wanted to be able to stop feeling guilty about hurting me, so i figure he was just checking in to see if i was ok so he could feel better. or somethin like that i guess, i figure it was just selfish on his part. either that or, that he wanted to let me know how happy he was with her so he could somehow justify his choice.... Shoot that makes so much sense! That's why they contact dumpees for no specific reason: to calm their conscious! Damn me that I gave him that satisfaction! Damn!!! Link to comment
justmyview Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 My first boyfriend came back after 16 months. Asked me to take him back, but I refused. He dumped me. My second boyfriend came back after 9 months. I dumped him. Both times I had moved on. Link to comment
angellight Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I dont want this to come out horrible but every ex I ever had came back...sometimes it was 2 days, 2weeks, 2months etc...but they always came back. Usually it was when I was ok with them leaving, once I stopped thinking of them & realized I was better off...they reappeared. YUP..... Link to comment
endgame Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I dont want this to come out horrible but every ex I ever had came back...sometimes it was 2 days, 2weeks, 2months etc...but they always came back. Usually it was when I was ok with them leaving, once I stopped thinking of them & realized I was better off...they reappeared. I'd have to agree with you. I don't want to give any false hope but all have come back in some shape or form. Whether wanting to give things another shot, or as friends. Ironically, three people from my past are trying to weasle their way back into my life now. Two were the ones who ended things, and the other one just blew up one day, yelled, and left. lol...but yes. I'm not on this forum because of any of them though. Link to comment
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