Am I unreasonable when it comes to this relationship?

[MJ23]

Why do I always feel so unreasonable when it comes to my relationship with my bf? Tonight we were hanging out and I asked him if he wanted the remote to control the TV. He said, "I can have the button, and you can have the mute button". I had been talking about my day moments earlier, like how about I finally gotten an interview to a job I had always dreamed of. He wasn't been excited during the conversation just a "cool" and "good".

 

So, after his "mute button" comment I said, "Am I annoying you?" And he kind of nodded, rolled over so he wasn't facing me. I got a little upset, and he says "Don't be mad. I'm just upset because of this project at work". Ok, he's always upset about something, it doesn't matter what it is. But I try to be all understanding and console him and he says "I just want to shut my mind off and be alone"

 

So I go to leave (I swear this happens so often, it gets annoying) and he halfheartedly hugs me and I can see he wants me out as soon as possible. I say "Your like, "get out now b-word" and he kind of nods, not really in agreement, just more like he is thinking that.

 

God, I'm so tired of this but everytime we fight about it I always look like the insensitive bad guy and I always end up apologizing for being "bipolar" he once called me. Bipolar as in im sweet and loving and as soon as he treats me like this I get angry. How is that bipolar? but he makes me so self-conscious like I am some unreasonable, insensitive crazy person.

 

I had a dream about my crush (just some guy, have no intentions of seeing him at all) and it made me sad. I wish I just thought about my bf and stopped all this nonsense of wishing he was warm or caring or whatever. Am I unreasonable or jsut an idiot for putting up with this?

[waveseer]

When did he change or has he always been this way?

[addictedblue]

That would make me mad and angry too, OP. He's taking your caring and loving for granted.

[MJ23]

He's always been this way had an emotional childhood drama with a broken home/divorce. I didn't know about his moods to this extent until about a year in. And now at 2 years I guess I should be used to it. But I want to know if I am unreasonable because everytime we fight its my fault, I'm too emotional, and I'm insenitive to his moods or whatever.

[Vince99]

why would you stay in a relationship like that?

 

there are some awesome guys out there that wouldn't treat you like dirt just waiting for you to come along.

[MJ23]

why would you stay in a relationship like that?

 

there are some awesome guys out there that wouldn't treat you like dirt just waiting for you to come along.

 

1) I love him like crazy when its good

 

2) I don't know if I'm the problem, thus I will be the problem in any relationship I am in

 

3) I am about 20 pds overweight (have been since puberty, he met me like this), which didn't used to bother me because I carry it well, but now I'm self-conscious abut it because he's said he finds me unattractive in the past.

 

4) Its been two years, he's my first everything (bf, kiss,) and that's REALLY hard to let go of

 

Numbers 1 and 2 are the biggest reasons

[Maya_A]

Well, if it was only about his reaction to your talking about your day I'd say it could get sorted easily with you just letting him know that you will tell him when something is really important to you to share & would appreciate his full attention.

 

But him nodding when you asked if he was annoying you & half nodding when you insinuated what he was thinking about you when wanting you to leave... That is different to me.

 

He could at least give you the biggest hug & kiss & let you know that he is just in a strange mood that has nothing to do with you & that you are very cared about by him.

 

The fact that this type of thing happens often is not "cool" at all either...

 

So no, I don't think you are overreacting at all, and I do think it needs to get addressed with him... I myself wouldn't be able to accept that as an ongoing dynamic.

 

I just caught this one ( a little slow tonight - wink) but if the mute button comment was a dig at you after you were explaining an important & exciting part of your day to him - then this is really, really not good.

 

If it all happened exactly that way & there is no background info. missing that would "explain" his behavior such as a prior fight where unresolved feelings were still lingering, then his behavior is really poor, unkind, & disrespectful.

[zoe73]

If you are always being put aside or you are always putting yourself aside for someone else's feelings or needs, are you really relating to that person? I understand stress at work creating a need to unwind without more chatter - but at some point if it's a pattern - you have to consider this is how he handles stress and it would always be that way - you would be shut out.

 

If you're strong enough to handle that and know it's not about you and keep yourself occupied when that happens, then you're better off. If you're questioning it, then I feel for you - b/c I'm not strong enough to do that.

 

I need to feel cared for, especially with news about work (good or bad) and I need to be supported, b/c it's what I do in return.

 

Wanting equal openess or support isn't unrealistic.

 

You have to know what is going to make you happy - aside of what the rest of us think.

[Vince99]

1) the amount of time that it's going to be "really good" is going to get less and less.

2)you aren't.

[Maya_A]

I

'm self-conscious abut it because he's said he finds me unattractive in the past.

 

Hmmm.... I'd prepare to a least begin thinking about what life would be without him... Start thinking about other types of men you might like to get to know...

 

You don't have to do anything at the moment... Maybe just sit with those thoughts for a bit & see where they might take you over a bit of time...

[MJ23]

Yes, the mute button comment was a dig at me, because he was tired and stressed and I was talking about finally getting an interview to the job I had always dreamed about. There was nothing leading up to it, its jsut how he deals with stress. He's cold and makes hurtful comments and expects me to leave and not take it personally.

 

I just think I'm an idiot for either not accepting this already or else moving on. I guess i fear if i'm the problem all be the problem with every man I am with. That and its hard to just up and leave a 2 year commitment. Especially since he is my first long-term relationship.

 

If this happened once or twice, fine, but usally its 2-3 times a week or more if its a bad week.

[annie24]

i think maybe of you need to take a step back. maybe be more considerate of each other. like if he is in the mood to chill out and watch TV, then maybe be more quiet. but of course, he could be more polite towards you also, and not basically tell you to shut up, and he could be more excited about your interview. you know, like things were when the relationship was fresh and new.

 

i think the overweight/unattractive comment would bother me. honey - this isn't the only guy on earth, and there are TONS of men who would love to be with you. so don't feel like this is your only chance at love, don't worry, you will meet someone else if you two break up.

[addictedblue]

He's not very respectful towards you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Sometimes my mom is annoying me by talking a lot when I just want to be alone or something. I will be like "ahh mom can't we talk later?" and act really impatient. It's all about how I'm tired and don't feel like talking, it's not like I don't like talking to my mom, it has nothing to do with her. Is it possible you and him are together too much? Do you live together? Sometimes I know that if me and someone else are getting snippy with each other it's just because there's been too much time hanging out, not because we don't like each other. But I guess it's different with boyfriends and girlfriends because I guess ultimately if you marry each other you'll be together a whole lot and it will be just like how it is now. So maybe you guys aren't great for each other forever. Or maybe you just need to spend a little more time apart so he can take his annoyances out on something else and be with you when he's in a good mood.

[liveconfidence]

1) the amount of time that it's going to be "really good" is going to get less and less.

2)you aren't.

 

I hate to be the "quote someone else and just agree time wasting guy" but this pretty much hits the nail on the head.

 

I loved my ex wife for the good times and the parts of her personality that she didn't let other people see...

 

It wasn't really a mistake I guess because our daughter is wonderful, and I learned a lot, but what I learned was not to settle for someone who treats me like total crap.

 

Feel free to learn from my "mistake"

[redreine]

First of all, you mentioned you have been 20 pounds overweight your entire life. Lose that. Quickly. (No, this post is not a dig on your weight. Namely because *I* am a morbidly obese woman, thus I have no room to advise anyone on weight issues)

 

Losing the weight will give you more confidence and make you happier. That confidence you exude will project and more men will be flirting with you, proving to you and your boyfriend that you are worth it and you can find someone else if you so choose.

 

Next, you need to sit down and talk about this with him. Respect plays a pivotal role in any and every relationship. Regularly being disrespected is not something anyone should agree to live with for the sake of love. LOVE is not disrespectful.

 

As a matter of fact, just always remember this. Love is never a bad thing. If it turns into a bad thing, it's no longer love.

[90_hour_sleep]

Yes, the mute button comment was a dig at me, because he was tired and stressed and I was talking about finally getting an interview to the job I had always dreamed about. There was nothing leading up to it, its jsut how he deals with stress. He's cold and makes hurtful comments and expects me to leave and not take it personally.

 

I just think I'm an idiot for either not accepting this already or else moving on. I guess i fear if i'm the problem all be the problem with every man I am with. That and its hard to just up and leave a 2 year commitment. Especially since he is my first long-term relationship.

 

If this happened once or twice, fine, but usally its 2-3 times a week or more if its a bad week.

 

stress is a pretty lousy reason to treat someone this way. agreed...it happens. doesn't mean it's fair. i was in a relationship where i was like this (although not on a regular basis). stress was just an excuse (and there were others). it was a very passive way of saying that ''i'm not really happy in this relationship as it stands right now''. it's unfortunate...but sometimes i don't think i was even aware that i was being that way (lesson learned). i wish i'd had the wake-up call sooner. could be that he's really just not happy. there might not be a way to make him happy. i might have missed something...but have you talked to him about this? i mean...in a really concrete blunt sort of way? could just be a case of communication. no sense in both of you continuing on in this limbo.

[_Asti_]

You said this happens several times a week..what are the excuses then? Is he permanently stressed? I don't think so.

 

This is who he is if this is the way its always been.

 

Sure when its good its good..but the bad times need to be bearable..and outweighed by the good times. As time goes by, odds are they aren't going to be. The bad will take over the good.

 

I agree with the post about losing weight.

Losing weight will give you confidence. Confidence in yourself, and make you realize you deserve better. You deserve respect and a guy who treats you better.

 

Life's too short to spend it on a guy like this. I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

I think the length of time should not be a predictor or a reason why you remain in a relationship. You remain in a relaionship because you are happy, there's trust, love, communication, committment, respect, intimacy, hopes, dreams, goals..etc. The relationship will just decrease further and you will get further happy and what then..you feel obligated to remain because suddenly it's three years?

 

Like I've said in other threads, relationships are about learning. Finding that RIGHT person. Not getting into a relationship and feeling like you have to stick it out because its your first, or it's been x amount of time. Its through being in relationship and dating that you discover and find that person that works with you and that is just RIGHT.

[MJ23]

Thank you for the wise advice. I WISH I could just lose weight. I have been trying for so long and nothign seems to work. I exercise 3-4 times a week and don't eat junk food and I've never lost anything significant my entire life. I don't even know what it would be like not to be overweight, I've been trying so long and nothing works. But I do agree, it would give me way more confidence. I was confident before, because liek I said, I can still look good if I wear the right clothes and stuff, but after my bfs comments of me being unattratice, or not as hot as his ex, it really brought down my confidence level.

 

I still need to lose the weight though. I just wish I found something that worked for a person with a super slow metabolism. Once I only ate applesauce for a week and lost 5pds. but that's the only time ever and now that I'm in school and working I can;t afford physically or mentally to be on an "applesauce" diet.

[redreine]

You need to consult a physician before going on any sort of diet, number one.

 

Number two, everyone is different, thus everyone's diet and exercise regimen will be different.

 

Lastly, I think you could get a lot of good out of joining a website I am on. It's a forum site set up just like enotalone, and it's for women trying to lose weight. link removed

 

Good luck, sweety. *hugs*

[roctown]

He's a guy. He needs to be alone to solve problems. If he's got a problem at work, he won't be receptive to much else. Its in his DNA. 95% of the guys you date will be this way. IT has nothing to do with how much he loves you or anything else; its just how we solve problems.

[MJ23]

He's a guy. He needs to be alone to solve problems. If he's got a problem at work, he won't be receptive to much else. Its in his DNA. 95% of the guys you date will be this way. IT has nothing to do with how much he loves you or anything else; its just how we solve problems.

 

Is it ok to be like this 2-3 times a week or more? To just get upset and ask me to leave some nights we are together, but I never know when?

 

If this 95% of guys, then I am indeed the problem which I wondered about. Then I need to find out how to not be upset about this.

[redreine]

You are not the problem.

 

Yes, this is how guys deal with things like this. Yes, you need to just give him some space. Go out with the girls. Have coffee with your mom. Whatever you need to do.

 

However, he is also disrespecting you, not communicating with you, and belittling you. He sounds like he treats you like a dog, and that is WRONG.

 

If he knows that he is stressed out to the point he can't have you around, he needs to grow some balls and just ask you to leave. Nicely, I might add. That's how a LOVING relationship works.

 

NEVER blame yourself for someone else treating you like dirt. This may sound extreme, but it's the best analogy I can think of at the moment -- to me, that's like a girl getting raped and blaming herself for dressing too * * * * ty. (Again, sorry for the rather extreme analogy, but it is the best I could come up with at the moment)

[loulee]

Stop blaming your self for his total lack of indifference towards you. Go start doing other things. Go the gym and start exercising so you start felling good on the outside start powerwalking. go for coffee or a movie with friends .you act like his every bad mood effect you to the point you feel lost unappreciated and neglected . So take control of YOUR life dont wait for him to show interest .he will soon see the changes IF you make them, men that are often catered to for their every whim are often the ones to come seek you out once they start to realisie you are no longer the centre of thiei universe to feel happy.....so start doing for YOURSELF.. make it happen

[redreine]

For the most part, I agree with loulee.

 

You can't spend the entire relationship playing the "woe is me" card, either.

 

I don't know if this scenario is true of your relationship, but I know so many couples "let themselves go" so to speak, because they feel comfortable. Comfortable is good. Boring is not.