Do I stay or do I go?

[rikka]

18 months ago I moved accross the country to be with the one I love. I do not regret that decision in the least. Now I have realized that I am unhappy. Not with my relationship, but with my life. I miss "home" so much and I miss my family. I don't know how much longer I can stay here. It would be so much easier if my relationship sucked - the only reason I am considering staying here is because of him. And that isn't healthy.

 

We've been together for almost 5 years, he is someone I love very much and I cannot imagine leaving him. But I also know that if I am miserable it isn't fair to him or to the relationship (or me for that matter). We've talked about it and have agreed to table the discussion for 4 weeks and then we will come back to discuss the situation and where are roads are going to take us.

 

I guess what I am asking is when is love not enough? How do I gather the strength to possibly walk away from the one I love? I really don't know what to do and I just want to hear some thoughts/opinions/experiences of others. Much thanks in advance.

[waveseer]

Have you made new friends of your own there?

[rikka]

Nope. I have tried - but I am not very outgoing. I've tried taking mini-courses (weekend cooking classes etc) but I can't take that extra step to make a friend. Even my co-workers - who I have worked with for 18 months - I would not consider friends. I tell myself it's because I am solitary and I enjoy my alone time (which is true) but I know that not having my own "life" out here certainly doesn't help.

[waveseer]

If your relationship is important enough I'd suggest you see a counselor to help you sort out your unhappiness. There may be no place like home, but happiness is an inside rather than an outside job.

[rikka]

See that is the thing. I am in therapy and it is through my sessions that I have figured out my unhappiness. I had been taking steps to improve my life and therefore lead to my own happiness. But in the end I was starting to realize I was only finding "band-aid" solutions. Right now it feels as though I have made up my mind. Selfishly I want him to come back home with me. I know that I need some time and space to consider all of it. I need input/thoughts from people who are not directly involved. I work in therapy to dissociate the emotional from the logical - that is hard to do in a situation that is so emotionally based.

[ellymay]

Have you two considered moving back to you "home"? You made the sacrifice for him so why can't he for you? Oh! Maybe its a job. No offense or anything. I was just trying to help.

 

-Elly

[waveseer]

I wonder if you're feeling the need to "test" his commitment to you.

[ellymay]

I wonder if you're feeling the need to "test" his commitment to you.

Oh! Wow. I think your right. She may be doing it subconsciously but that an absolute possibility.

[DN]

The problem is that if you leave him and return home you will probably not find the happiness and contentment that you seek - because he won't be there. It is not easy to move from friends and family (been there, done that) but going home is not always the answer that you think it will be.

[rikka]

Have you two considered moving back to you "home"? You made the sacrifice for him so why can't he for you? Oh! Maybe its a job. No offense or anything. I was just trying to help.

 

-Elly

 

To be honest this is sort of how I saw it initially - if I need to do this to be happy, I did the same for you, can't you do the same for me. The fact that he is considering it speaks volumes to me. And it is his job that keeps him here and he is hesitant that he would find a comparable position if we move back.

 

I wonder if you're feeling the need to "test" his commitment to you.

 

I'll be honest with myself - there certainly is/was some of that. Thinking you stand on one level with someone and KNOWING where you stand are two very different things. And yes, I don't have a ring, I don't have a commitment more than "you complete me" and would I like all of that? Certainly. But I can also honestly answer that if he would ask me to marry him tomorrow on the hope that it would entice me to stay, I wouldn't be able to say yes.

 

The problem is that if you leave him and return home you will probably not find the happiness and contentment that you seek - because he won't be there. It is not easy to move from friends and family (been there, done that) but going home is not always the answer that you think it will be.

 

^^^ This is where I am sitting at. I know I have something wonderful. I know I have found the person who completes me. Who makes me happy and treats me like I am special. And I would be a fool to walk away and leave all of that behind. What I have is what other people are searching for. And so I feel selfish. But on the other side of the coin, I know I am not me anymore. I know I have to find my happiness from within before I can share it with someone else. I have registered the change in myself. He has noticed it too. I know it is not a magical answer. I know that I may be leading myself into a new world of misery.

 

Oh how I would love to find the magic solution. I wish I could be in two places at once. I wish I could pick up everyone I love and bring them all to one place. Right now I am trying to convince myself that if I do go, it doesn't have to be the end of "us". But at the same time, if I go and he stays, are we going to end up in some never-ending long-distance stalemate?

[DN]

Well, if you ant some tips on how to get comfortable in a new place send me a pm - but in order to accomplish that you have to have the mindset that you want to succeed.

[NightLily]

rikka, I feel for you.. It can be so hard building a new life when you move. I have done it soo.. many times it just becomes exhausting when you try an dtry but keep failing.

 

One thing I found is that if you are doing an activity that just makes you happy and where you feel like you are in your element, it is so much easier to attract people. Another thing I learned that is very important in making friends is to not try to be interesting but to be interested in them. This is all stuff you probably know already but if you really try to apply it, it can really help.

 

Also, don't wait for people to reach out to you or invite you somewhere. When you are new to a place, they already have a life established their and so probably won't even think of inviting you along. Be the one to make the first move.

 

If you ever want to vent you know how to reach me. ^^

[rikka]

First off, I would like to thank all of you for your time and comments, I really appreciate it. And now for the conclusion;

 

So the discussion came sooner than expected, and what quickly became apparent was that this was far more than who is doing/did what for whom. In the end, it came down to the fact that both of us have separate needs for our future and well being and that the time has indeed come for us to part ways. It was a much needed discussion and goes to show me what happens when two people assume too much in a relationship. As my therapist pointed out, this issue was a red herring, so to speak, and became the outlet for a more serious set of issues. So we are enjoying our final months together and I am enjoying my final months here. I have a list of "50 things I need to do before I leave".

 

Once again I thank you all for caring.