Does this situation make you feel bad? (it does for me)

[Clarity]

Been talking to a girl online for several weeks. I usually like to meet up before talking for too long (before too much of an attachment grows - it makes rejection easier on either party, I think), but we've had a bunch of scheduling problems until now. Anyway, in her pictures, she looks very pretty, and from our messaging back and forth, she seemed like a very sweet girl.

 

So tonight we finally had our first date. A romantic dinner and a brief walk (she had to meet a friend later in the evening).

 

Before I go into my assessment, I have no idea if she's into me - if I had to guess, I would say yes, there seemed to be some chemistry, but if I've learned anything from dating, it's that I can be dead wrong about these things.

 

Here's the point: from talking to her, intellectually and personality-wise, she is a gem. She's very sweet, caring, funny - a joy to talk to, really. The conversation was the best part of the night. Looks-wise, she is cute, but not what I was expecting from the pictures. She's not bad looking, but just not a girl that would turn my head on the street. Bottom line, I'm physically neutral towards her - not very attracted, not unattracted - does that make sense?

 

This is where I don't know what to do - looks don't certainly mean *everything* to me (far from it) and I've heard stories about people growing on each other, but physical attraction is still a necessary component.

 

I'd like to hear from people who have been in this situation - not only success stories (he/she grew on me and we fell in love), but also decisions where you decided to end it early on - do you regret it or not?

 

Also, I feel bad about the whole situation - it makes me feel like somewhat of a bad person even thinking what I've written her. She is so sweet - I feel shallow even though I know that it's not that simple...

[waveseer]

I should write a book that teaches people to see each others insides shining through their outsides. It really is an amazing and beautiful experience to see the goodness in someone shine through their face. I find it highly attractive. I'm sure she'll meet a man that can do that soon.

[Clarity]

I should write a book that teaches people to see each others insides shining through their outsides. It really is an amazing and beautiful experience to see the goodness in someone shine through their face. I find it highly attractive. I'm sure she'll meet a man that can do that soon.

 

I'm not quite sure what you're saying - because I kind of feel that way. Like I said, physically I'm neutral towards her, she is "cute", but her sense of humour and kindness are very attractive to me. Overall, I'm attracted to her because of this.

 

There is my conflict, part of me says see if she wants to go on another date, see if this overall attraction grows - but at the same time, knowing what I do, I don't want to lead her on and hurt her later, partly because she is such a nice person.

[waveseer]

I'm not quite sure what you're saying - because I kind of feel that way. Like I said, physically I'm neutral towards her, she is "cute", but her sense of humour and kindness are very attractive to me. Overall, I'm attracted to her because of this.

 

There is my conflict, part of me says see if she wants to go on another date, see if this overall attraction grows - but at the same time, knowing what I do, I don't want to lead her on and hurt her later, partly because she is such a nice person.

 

If you are pretty sure your attraction to her will grow then why would you be leading her on?

[laisla]

you've only seen her once, the attraction may not be mind-blowing. i say meet her more often

 

does this bug you cause you feel a bit disappointed? (pics vs. real life)

[Clarity]

If you are pretty sure your attraction to her will grow then why would you be leading her on?

 

Well, I don't know if it will grow with certainty, but I also don't know that I wouldn't date her with certainty. In a way, I'm not built for this dating game - I am very sympathetic to the feelings of the other person, even though I know rejection from both sides is always a possibility.

 

you've only seen her once, the attraction may not be mind-blowing. i say meet her more often

 

does this bug you cause you feel a bit disappointed? (pics vs. real life)

 

It's not really the difference that bothers me - there's not a huge difference. I think the idea that I had in my mind from her pictures was too different from reality. I thought she was very pretty in the pictures and, in person, she was what I would call cute, but not someone that would attract me based on a purely physical level.

[laisla]

sounds like you're uncomfortable with the way it is now. maybe you could give it a few more tries. she sounds like a great girl so far so it may be worth it to spend more time with her.

[waveseer]

How do you know for sure if you don't try?

[Clarity]

How do you know for sure if you don't try?

 

You're right, I just dread the scenario where it doesn't work out - but I have to get over that. I've had my own share of rejections

[waveseer]

You're right, I just dread the scenario where it doesn't work out - but I have to get over that. I've had my own share of rejections

 

If you achieve your username within the first three dates (or three months, depending on the woman) it will probably be no problem for her to let you go if necessary.

[Jd1983]

I'd say you should go on a few more dates with her. She sounds like a great girl. Who's to say that you won't be more attracted to her later on? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. How would you feel is someone judged you solely based on looks?

[forever1130]

Well mine is a definite success story...

 

Before I really knew my boyfriend, when we first met, I thought he was ok looking. Not my normal "type" but whatever he was just a coworker so it didn't matter.

Fastforward a few months, we start talking and hanging out, and BAM, just like that I'm left speechless and get butterflies when I see him. So I absolutely think personality and getting to know the person makes all the difference in how you view them physically.

 

16 months later and I still get those butterflies when I see him

[forever1130]

Oh and one more thing I forgot... It can also go the other way.

 

I've met a couple guys who I thought were were incredibly hot and very sexy but after getting to know them realize they are complete jerks and a-holes and become completely turned off to them all together lol

[roctown]

I feel like I have a cut-off point, where her looks reach a certain point and then the rest of her attributes make up the overall analysis. Basically, if she reaches the cutoff point, she will have no trouble with me if her personality is a match.

 

I feel like that's more how girls think than guys; maybe I'm a little weird for my gender in this respect?

[Casey13]

As much as people will try to sing you the story on how looks should not matter you have to face the reality that they do. I'll tell you this though, I've dated two girls who almost every guy drooled over with what I thought were medium on the personality scale and one that was mediocre in the looks department with a winning personality and I can tell my last mentioned scenario I would take hands down. Question is do you think you can find someone who is exceptionally well off in both departments, if you honestly think you can then dont waste your time with her

[villie]

I would give it a few more tries before you rule her out. People dont always look like their photos - or can give angles that they look better in!!

 

Ive met someone via online and they looked NOTHING like their photo. wasn't good.

 

But i just met someone who was very sexy (to me) in his pics. When i met him, he didnt look like all his pics but my first reaction was still 'ooh wow cute!". And he told me it was the same for him, so looks to play a part. If you meet and your kinda bummed out coz they dont look the way you expect, it feels a bit of a let down - espically knowing by chatting via online/phone/text, you like them that way...just the way it is. you've built them up in your mind. one down fall with dating online and chatting for too long.

 

Ask her out again. if she is interested she will say yes. If you dont want to completely give her the wrong impression, hold off on kissing her until your sure. If she likes you and you kiss her, and your still on the fence, it will give her the wrong impression. But if your certain it wont come around again, dont waste her time and yours. Be sure once and for all. you dont want to be left wondering 'what if'.

[villie]

As much as people will try to sing you the story on how looks should not matter you have to face the reality that they do. I'll tell you this though, I've dated two girls who almost every guy drooled over with what I thought were medium on the personality scale and one that was mediocre in the looks department with a winning personality and I can tell my last mentioned scenario I would take hands down. Question is do you think you can find someone who is exceptionally well off in both departments, if you honestly think you can then dont waste your time with her

 

I agree with you Casey, looks do matter. People say 'oh your shallow'. maybe i am. but i want to LIKE looking at them. I want to feel that attraction to them lol. lame maybe. You want them to have that bit of 'irresistible' thing going on (to you personally)

 

If i like the guy, everything he does has some what of a 'cuteness' to it. Even the most smallest thing. But anyone else - even a great guy, it'd be like 'eh'. its nothing. lol..

 

Oh i dated a guy. personality wise was ok (for a bit then found out he was nuts), but he was a nice guy. polite, respectful, didn't dress like a trash can. At first i thought 'oh he's kinda cute'...it did NOT last. it went down hill. the attraction faded fairly quickly. i avoided kissing. yuck. there was nothing. its sucks, but its something you cant help.

[Ammy]

Try not to feel bad, you seem like a much nicer guy than most of the ones I have met!

 

I say give it a few dates and then make up your mind. Attraction may well grow as you get to know each other better.

 

Never feel bad about not being physically attracted to someone - you can't help it.

 

Ammy

[luxy]

To be completely honest, I think you should let this girl go. The fact that you're posting here about it indicates that this issue is already causing some inner conflict ( and it's only been ONE date!). You say she's a gem, but not someone who'd turn your head in the street? You sound quite uncertain about whether you'd even continue dating her based on personality alone. Let her go--there's a guy out there who will either be attracted to her more, or won't place as much emphasis on looks. I wouldn't try to "grow" an attraction out of this; your expectations have already been compromised.

 

Don't worry about looking shallow--it's okay to be a little shallow at this early point in the game. You only went on one date with her, I doubt she'd take it too badly.

[StrawberryYogurt]

If you had said you don't find her attractive at all, then I'd say you drop her. But c'mon, she's cute, she has a good personality and character, I say she might be a keeper. Don't let this potential goldmine slip through the cracks, man.

[Scorpion Fury]

I don't think you're shallow at all for not being physically attracted to her. As you said, physical attraction is important. It's not everything, but I can't be with someone I'm not physically attracted to.

 

I would advise against hoping she'll "grow" on you if you continue to see her. I don't think anyone should try to force themselves to be attracted to anyone else. It should happen naturally.

[servedcold]

She's not bad looking, but just not a girl that would turn my head on the street. Bottom line, I'm physically neutral towards her - not very attracted, not unattracted - does that make sense?

 

The above is a little vague. Could you add some specifics? People do grow on each other, yes, but sometimes there's nothing to build on. Only you can decide which.

[Day_Walker]

My rule is that as long as I have an initial attraction to her then there is something for me to work with. Anything less than an initial attraction then I dont see her attractiveness "changing" over time just based upon my feelings for her.

[girl68]

I've give it another shot! I mean you say you're neutral so why don't you give it another date of 2 and see if you're swayed either way!

 

Of course her sweet gem-like personality could really shine through and sway you into thinking she's just a real cute little gem. And the attraction grows stronger. I'd say unless you really thought there wasn't a chance in hell you could ever find her attractive and knew "it" just wasn't there; give it another shot.

[Clarity]

To be completely honest, I think you should let this girl go. The fact that you're posting here about it indicates that this issue is already causing some inner conflict ( and it's only been ONE date!). You say she's a gem, but not someone who'd turn your head in the street? You sound quite uncertain about whether you'd even continue dating her based on personality alone. Let her go--there's a guy out there who will either be attracted to her more, or won't place as much emphasis on looks. I wouldn't try to "grow" an attraction out of this; your expectations have already been compromised.

 

Don't worry about looking shallow--it's okay to be a little shallow at this early point in the game. You only went on one date with her, I doubt she'd take it too badly.

 

To clarify, I was saying her personality was a "gem" - i.e. based on her personality alone I find her quite attractive thus far. The "turn my head in the street" is completely based on physical. Again, she's not unattractive, I just wouldn't notice her just based off of looks.

 

I appreciate your and everyone's advice, although I can't say I've reached a decision yet.