ICare2much Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 i recently met the most incredible guy that i have ever known...he makes me feel like no one in the world ever has before...when i am with him, there is total peace in my life no matter how bad it may be...he has been HIV+ for a few years now...he was upfront and honest with me about it from the beginning, which is incredibly rare these days...but i came to love him for the person that he is, and the way he makes me feel when i am with him... his last relationship ended in a whirlwind of heartbreak and tears for him, and he has never gotten close to anyone since then...the guy left him because he could no longer deal with his health status... we hit it off almost instantly, and things seemed to be going better than i could have ever imagined...then all of a sudden, one day, it's like we hit an emotional brick wall...i won't say that he stopped caring for me, because i really feel that he still does...but i couldn't deal with the feeling of rejection...how could something so wonderful just STOP dead in its tracks? there was talk of a life together in the future, moving, possibly a child or two, and just a wonderful life til the end... we still see each other a few times a week, due to schedule conflicts, and the times are always as good as they were before...sorry to make this so long, i just have so much to say...he says he doesn't want anything serious right now, and i am ok with that because neither of us have time for it right now... how can i help him see that i do truly love and care about him, and that i am not out to hurt him in the end? i know it will take time for him to see that in me, and i am ok and understanding with that...i have issues to work out from my own past relationship...did he get too close to me for his own comfort right now, and got scared and backed off? am i being tested to see just how much i do truly care about him? will the day ever come that he can love me as i love him, and i will know it? so many questions...and no answers... Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Your story is heartbreaking. I have no idea what to tell you though. Link to comment
Kalika Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 He might be doing it to spare you hurt. Maybe his health is declining and he knows that. Who knows. It could be a billion things. Why not write him a letter and tell him how you feel? If you get no response, best to move on then. But let him know first, so that you know you did everything you could. Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 i have told him how i feel...i don't think he is going to be that easy to get through to...he has been a lone for a long time...every time he goes to the doctor for his checkup, he shows me all the paperwork, tells me what each thing means, and the HIV is completely undetectable...he is in great health...i do feel that the long term results of the condition could be keeping him from getting closer to me, as you say - to prevent me from being hurt...normally, i would say THANKS, but who is to say i won't find a completely healthy guy someday, and have to watch him die of cancer, or some other illness? thank you for your reply...i do appreciate it... Link to comment
laisla Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 reminds me of the song by immortal technique called "You Never Know". it's heartbreaking. you do seem to love him and i can tell he cares for you as well. but ultimately it is his choice on whether or not he decides to stick with you. here's a big hug to you mister *********hug******** Link to comment
Kalika Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I guess it could be any number of reasons he's acting that way.. Either way I'm sorry you're in that position. Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 i know ultimately, things will work out the way they are meant to be...it's destiny, we can't change that...but we can always try to defy it and spin it in our favor...lol...i just have to be patient, and caring, and let him know i am there for him if and when he needs me...then hope for the best... Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 My ex bf is HIV positive and after 5 years I had to turn and walk away...not because of his condition, but of his mood swings, drug addiction and his family constantly making his life and mine miserable...I couldn't stand it when he would hang around with other addicts, be missing for days, coming home dirty, bringing garbage into the house..how he would cry and hold onto me while he would be coming off the drugs. God there was so much more...it was to painful for me to watch...I couldn't take it anymore! Also, if he taking any HIV cocktails they are very very strong and will cause a host of problems...mental as well as physical. If you like we could pm each other. Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 he's very anti-drug...due to his work...he is a fantastic guy...and i know that i would never have to worry about that stuff with him...i would like to chat more with you yes, please... Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 he's very anti-drug...due to his work...he is a fantastic guy...and i know that i would never have to worry about that stuff with him...i would like to chat more with you yes, please... My ex contracted HIV from IV drug usage. HIV is HIV and the way in which it was contracted isn't the real problem. It's how can one deal with it who is the partner of the infected. I could write a book on this subject...so heartbreaking...thank goodness your guy didn't get it from drugs. Cheers Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 sorry, i just sent you a PM asking that very question...it just took me a minute to figure out how to do things on here... yes i do agree...how they got it is really irrelevant...but they don't have to be alone in the world...it's hard enough for everyone... Link to comment
Nina_2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I think it is in your nickname - the answer you are looking for. In the beginning of the relationship you just enjoyed and appreciated him as a person, now you know him and you changed your focus from him to his condition. It could bother him. He probably doesn't need your reassurance to be with him "no matter what", he probably wants just to live this life normally, and would appreciate if you wouldn't remind him that he is sick. You are talking too much about his condition and for some people it could come off as insecurity to be able to deal with it. My advice would be try to focus on why do YOU need him as opposed to why he needs you and see would this change anything. If not then I would talk about things that bother me. Anyway relationship where people can not talk to each other and solve problems is doomed to fail. Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 during our times together, we actually never really discuss the HIV...if we talk about it, it is because he brings it up and has something to share with me...i don't think anymore about him having HIV than a friend having a cold...i treat him normally, he treats me normally...i am not constantly in his face about it...he told me the day we met he was positive...if that were an issue i would have turned away then...i came to know and love him for who he is...the HIV is just something we have to deal with Link to comment
Nina_2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Then try to define what is exactly that is bothering you. The fact that he is not eager to live together? Ask him why. I would initiate conversation saying that correct me if I am wrong but in the last few months something is bothering me and I decided to lay it down on the table with you and discuss if you do not mind. Obtain his willingness to talk. Then start with bullets: what is exactly bothering you, where do you see a danger for the relationship and why. Ask for his feedback. Be prepared not to freak out if you find out that the guy doesn't like the way you like him. Be willing to accept it. Relax him, do not attack, just talk. Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 i think part of the problem stems from my last relationship...i lived with him the entire time we were together...so i always had constant assurance that things were ok...i only see the new guy a couple times a week because we are both extremely busy...part of the problem, and i can admit this, is that i miss the constant reassurance that things are great...the thing that bothers me is that he let me get so close, then just shut down completely...which i don't get, due to the fact that he had mentioned us moving in together, probably after we are done with school, several times...and now it's almost like he is just blank to anything...that's what i don't understand...the sudden change...any future plans for us have always been mentioned by him...i don't bring it up, because i don't want to seem pushy or forceful...i know he needs time to trust me and to know that i am a good person in my heart... lord...i think i got lost in there somehwere...lol...sorry if it's confusing... Link to comment
lukeb Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 during our times together, we actually never really discuss the HIV...if we talk about it, it is because he brings it up and has something to share with me...i don't think anymore about him having HIV than a friend having a cold...i treat him normally, he treats me normally...i am not constantly in his face about it...he told me the day we met he was positive...if that were an issue i would have turned away then...i came to know and love him for who he is...the HIV is just something we have to deal with Im not sure what to tell you, it could literally be any number of things. You cant fake being totally cool with his HIV status, and I am not sure you are totally honest with how you are dealing with it. Maybe he is not doing a good job dealing with it. Maybe you are a "rescuer" and tend to be attracted to terminally ill guys. Maybe you are just not right for one another. Maybe he is not attracted to you, maybe he is, but he is not looking for anything serious right now. Maybe you are totally serious about starting something really serious and in order to keep the relationship going you tell him that you are totally cool with the fact that you to arent serious about starting a relationship. Maybe it is something else entirely. In the end it doesnt matter, for whatever reason he doesnt want to make it work, and it takes two people to make it work. Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 well of course i wish he weren't positive...i wouldn't wish that for anyone...as for being attracted to terminally ill guys...not hardly... you are just a ray of sunshine huh? lol...but i do appreciate your thoughts very much...thank you...you may be right, you may be wrong...til that day comes, i will never know... Link to comment
Nina_2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I can relate to what you've said. I am guilty of the same thing - a need in reassurance. Though I am not a needy type at all. I think, it has to deal with a language of love. There are five languages: compliments, gifts, time, help, physical touch. When you are in the relationship it is extremely important to know what language your partner talks and understands. I had problems in my relationship because I would not get enough of physical touch and would read it into "she probably shut herself down". Or sometimes she would appear completely aloof and I would read it into our relationship. I am a type of person who always make sure that my partner feels loved, attended, not neglected and so on. However we are all different and some people do not spend their time thinking "did she received enough of my attention today or not?" and it is pretty normal. It is important to find a balance in the relationship. I would encourage you to talk to him, confess your reassurance issues, try to work out what would make you feel better and more confident. There is nothing wrong with that. Through these talks you will get better idea on how much he cares about you. Link to comment
ICare2much Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 thank you nina...great advice offered... all of you have been helpful in some way or another, no matter what your opinions or thoughts are, i have to respect them, cause they are your own... Link to comment
folie_a_deux Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 i hope everything goes well with u and ur bf, i can't imagine why we had to deal with this pain. why can't life for us just be like normal people... now im being stereotypical, because in this society we are normal... in a sense anyway, hope u guys work it out, but from an outsider, u have to be conscious of the fact that if u guys do continue to see eachother, it could affect ur health and all the rest *sigh* im too young to give advice, the world is just to big Link to comment
ICare2much Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 and the story ends...we will never be more than friends...but, at least, now i know the truth... Link to comment
Nina_2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Why? What have happened? What "truth" did you discover? And what did you mean by "friends"? Link to comment
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