sasha1982 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hi guys.. I left my ex-fiance 3 months ago.. our relationship was toxic most of the time, we just couldn't resolve any conflicts, we always got into heated arguments.. I was very intimidated by him when he was angry (he's a big guy 260 lbs, 6'3".. and although we had a very committed and loving relationship I knew it wasn't healthy.. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive. Our final argument at the beginning of January resulted in me packing an overnight bag to leave and he shoved me hard to the floor.. I NEVER thought he would physically abuse me I had told him previously that was a deal breaker for me, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do was to pick up and leave everything behind. We lived in his house, had a dog together (his) and after almost 2 and half years I just upped and left. The first week was absolute hell.. I could not eat, sleep or function at all.. But I remained strong and did not see him dispite his efforts.. By the one month mark I felt very strong in my decision leaving for good/got some counseling, and we finally met face to face where I told him I was leaving for good to find someone who treats me better and can have a healthy relationship. The 2nd month was amazing for me.. I was going out with friends, having a blast, went on some dates, met a really great guy I was dating casually... I just seemed to be smiling all the time and felt happy again! Then now, in the 3rd month I'm hitting a low I cry a few times a week on my way home from work, or when I'm at home before bed.. The anger I had before really kept me strong and anytime he contacted me I was able to keep composure and strength. Now, he has not contacted me at all.. but I'm starting to miss him. I don't forget all the bad things in our relationship, I have written them all down.. I know he is not likely to be capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone.. But now I am starting to re-think everything I did, or didn't do and taking some of the blame.. I am even thinking of all his horrible abusive qualities and reading on personality disorders online and noticing that he has ALOT of Narcissistic qualities as well as Sociopathic qualities... Now I am freaking myself out, imaging what if he had affairs on me? I never had reason to think he did, but I'm doubting everything about him and his character yet at the same time missing the good qualities of our relationship/him. I don't know why this is all coming back now? I did a solid month of reflecting and thought I had it all figured out.. Now I feel lost and hurt all over again.. I just want him OUT of my mind.. He took over my happiness and well-being for so long IN the relationship, I don't want him having this control over me now that I am out of it... Any advice? Link to comment
volpe Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 what you are feeling is totally normal-- it is the process of grieving and your feelings are going to change. i know that your anger was a very useful feeling for you because it helped you get out of the relationship and protect yourself and now that the anger is fading as you heal, the sadness sets in. i know... believe me... i know how this feels as i am going through something sort of similar, being angry at him for saying hurtful things, and then forgiving him for it, and then getting sad because i am not angry anymore. it is kind of interesting. but hang in there... remember that these feelings and thoughts are also going to pass. is there anything that you are tempted to do as a result of these thoughts? i have thoughts of contacting my ex but i have set a goal to not talk to him, and each day is a new day of this goal, trying to think of ways to reward myself for no contact, go out, buy new shoes or outfit, etc. Eventually this all will change exactly like your other feelings.. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 You will be fine. Abuse of any form is unacceptable. A guy of that size if angry could do you GREAT harm. Congratuations for your strength in walking away....keep going! Link to comment
Casey13 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 3 months is not a long time and you will experience a yo-yo effect in feelings over the next little while. You just have to endure the tough times and try not to over analyse your past with him because after all it is your past and you should focus on your future so let that go. Consider yourself lucky that you left when you did and that his not so pleasant side came out before the two of you shared kids or something. Always remember that although it is tough for you now this whole experience with him made you much stronger for the future and and taught you what to avoid in your future partners. There are many people out there with diagnosed and undiagnosed personality disorders which bring much turmoil into relationships and for those who get involved with such people it often ends up much worse than for you. At least you are strong enough to get out and since you did experience that short lived phase of happiness smiling and all after you left him then you know for sure that you are still capable of being happy without him. Endure the upcoming ups and downs and soon enough the storm will pass offering you sunny days. Link to comment
cookiedough1 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 i think there's something about 3 months in....i didn't believe it until I got to the mark. I have been crying and dreaming about him almost every other day..... i think we just need to ride this out. i started seeing a short term psychologist and i FINALLY set up a doctor's appointment to talk about this. i think we just need to take the healing process into our own hands, whatever way you think is best for you. good luck...we can do this. Link to comment
thedude27 Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I found that around 3 months if you arent getting back it feels like you are really going to breakup for good. I think the acceptance process really begins around that time. It gets so much better in time, just hang in there I have found you cant FORCE them out of your mind, they have to FADE out. Link to comment
jennamajig Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I have found you cant FORCE them out of your mind, they have to FADE out. Very well put. Some thing you can't force, no matter how hard you try. But they will happen naturally...with time. Tough lesson. And OP, props to you. You needed to leave and years later when you look back, you will realize how strong you were. Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Ugh, so true... if we could force them out of our minds we all wouldn't be here anyways Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.