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Confused (aren't we all) looking for help/advice.


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I'm a little stressed out lately about my relationship and it's on my mind constantly, I've taken to browsing the internet for similar situations and that's how I wound up here.

 

I'm a 32 year old male, I've been in a relationship now for 6 years that I'm not sure I want to be in anymore and I can't figure out why (I know the exact reason that this "epiphany" happened and I'll get to that).

 

Basically, I met a girl that I worked with, had a crush on, pursued said crush, we started dating, after about 2 years she informed me that she would be moving to another province (I live in Canada) to attend school and it was a "where do we go from here" conversation. I wasn't immediately sure about this so I gave it some thought, she left, I moved around 3 months later. One of my main reasons for moving was a life change, I had a crappy job, druggie friends, pretty much in a rut, so I wanted a new start and figured this was my chance. And it was, my new life was going pretty well, I didn't have any friends in this new city so I started volunteering and met a girl at said job and we started hanging around with each other, we have a lot in common and I loved spending time with her. I have always had female friends (guy friends are sometimes but not always the most reliable folks to turn to for emotional advice) and my girlfriend didn't think anything of this, and rightly so, as far as I was concerned it was a friendship. About a year ago I started to develop feelings for her but brushed it off as a crush, perfectly normal, she's really my only friend outside of my girlfriend, we have a lot in common so it's bound to happen, it must be one sided, she knows I have a girlfriend, that's why I moved, it'll pass. Wrong. About 6 months ago we were out having drinks and all it took was one touch of my arm to realize that maybe she felt the same way too. I tried to pass it off and not think about it but I couldn't, me and my girlfriend were not getting along that well (we live together) so my mind was straying a bit and I started to really feel strongly towards this other girl. Part of me wanted to stay in the relationship because by this point we'd been together 5 years, and had seen each other at our best and worst, so this was bound to pass.

 

3 weeks ago me and this other girl and her roomate were at a club downtown to see a band, we were drinking a lot, having fun and chatting, we were standing pretty close to each other, someone bumped into me and I bumped her, she put her arm around me to steady herself and I put mine around her and started getting that really nervous butterfly feeling that I haven't felt in years now, she leaned in and started kissing me, I didn't push her away, she stopped and said "This puts you in an awkward position doesn't it" I said yes, but we continued kissing for a few minutes. We then went to another spot and talked a bit, she kissed me again, I kissed her etc. I stopped and said I had to go, she said she was sorry, I said I was sorry. I left. The next few days after that were torture, now all of a sudden my one-sided crush wasn't so one-sided and the thought of not being able to see or talk to her made me unbelievably sad, like 16 years old sad, it was ridiculous, I thought that this little foul up would jeopardize us being friends, the fact that I kissed another girl didn't bother me, which is what is making me even more crazy. I emailed her the next day, I didn't want to put her on the spot by calling and I wanted her to know I wasn't mad at her or anything, and hoped that she wasn't mad at me, we agreed to be friends, we had been friends for 2 years at this point and neither of us wanted to lose that. Since this has happened I have seen her twice, and each time was like before, there's been no touching or kissing or anything but I did tell her that I wasn't happy with my situation and I couldn't figure out why, it was me opening up to the only person I could trust to talk about this with in person (which is odd given the circumstance) and yesterday she wanted to hang out and have supper before she left the country for a week.

 

Obviously, I still have strong feelings for this girl and they aren't going away anytime soon. My current girlfriend is good to me, we don't always get along but she puts up with my neurotic ways and we live relatively drama free, we never fight. Problem is whenever she talks about marriage or anything like that I don't want to do it and try to change the subject. Everything should be fine but it's not for me, and that is what I don't understand. I really don't want to hurt her, and if I split up with her I would do just that. I'm not planning on leaving her for this other girl, it's the fact that these thoughts are taking up all my brainpower that make me realize I have major commitment issues and it's not fair to my girlfriend to lie to her anymore. This new girl aside, who's to say this won't happen again with someone else. When my girlfriend says she loves me it breaks my heart, I know that's a horrible way to feel and I feel appropriately * * * * ty for it.

 

Any advice, I know that's a long diatribe and thanks for reading it. Has anyone been in a similar situation, I know different people react differently and strangers can't really pass judgement without knowing both people but I'd appreciate any insight. Thanks.

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If you`ve been in a relationship with someone for six years and all you can say about her is that she puts up with you, maybe she isn`t the right person. The crush not withstanding, if your girlfriend is hoping for marriage and you just can`t see it with her, it might be best to let her go instead of "wasting" her time.

 

Yes, it would hurt her, but she would hurt more if you had to leave her years down the road, or worse, married her without your heart in it.

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...so I started volunteering and met a girl at said job and we started hanging around with each other, we have a lot in common and I loved spending time with her. I have always had female friends ...and my girlfriend didn't think anything of this, and rightly so, as far as I was concerned it was a friendship. About a year ago I started to develop feelings for her but brushed it off as a crush, perfectly normal, she's really my only friend outside of my girlfriend, we have a lot in common so it's bound to happen,

 

I just really want to point something out to you. You said you started hanging out a lot with a girl who was not your girlfriend and developed a good friendship.

 

You said it was "rightly so" that your girlfriend had no problem with this as it was "just friends".

 

You then went on to say in the same breath that it was inevitable, "bound to happen" that you would develop a crush on her.

 

That's why it was never "rightly so" that you develop a friendship like that with a girl who was not your girlfriend. You let the boundaries that protect your relationship with your girlfriend, come down for this girl and thats why you are where you are. This can happen to anyone who choses to compromise their relationship and their values by letting their boundaries come down.

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You're in quite the predicament....You do indeed have commitment issues, but it's good that you recognize it and seem willing to work on it.

 

First of all, while its good that you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, not wanting to hurt her is not an adequate reason for not breaking up with her--not that I'm encouraging you to break up with her, but saying "I really don't want to hurt her, and if I split up with her I would do just that" is a lot different than if you had said "I know I'm in love with this girl and don't want to do anything to mess up our relationship." Clearly your feelings for the other girl are taking over. Only you can control whether you go for the other girl, or stay where you at......

 

Which brings me to my second point. When you say "who's to say this won't happen with someone else?" you have to realize that the only person who can control you is YOU. Other people can influence you, but at the end of the day, you're the only person who can make your decisions. So, in terms of letting this happen again, this will continue to happen again until you make the effort to stick to the boundaries of having one girlfriend at a time. I completely agree with indigo777 on this one.....

 

In the end, you can't make the decision based on how your girlfriend feels about you--you have to make it based on how you feel about your girlfriend. You're concerned about hurting her, but if you're not in love with her and you continue to lead her on and make her think otherwise, you're hurting her even worse than if you came clean. The truth will set you free and that starts with being honest with yourself regarding how you feel about your current relationship.

 

Keep your chin up--again, it's good you seem willing to work on the commitment issues....don't give up on it. You control you....if you don't like that you're not as committed as you'd like, you alone have to find the strength to work on it.

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