Getting back together really does happen!

[MeetAnArtist]

I have couple.

My friend dated her husband for awhile despite him knowing that she is the one for him. But my friend was not so sure. She broke up with him for a year and date another guy. Her husband was disappointed and kept praying she will come around. He did date other women, but they were not the ones he wanted. Finally, my friend came back and they dated for couple years and got married 2 years ago. They're are the cutest couple I've known. 

My parents dated for a few months before going their separate ways. Fast forward to several years later, my mom rang up my dad and asked him on a date. They dated for the next 2 years and are happily married. 

Mom said said she never thought my dad was the man for her, but sometimes, life works out funny. 

I pray I'll get to share my story here someday, but times will tell. 

[Rorshachblots]

Any stories of short term relationships (less than 8 months) that went through a break up and worked out? Looking for a bit of hope here 

[MeetAnArtist]

On 2/15/2021 at 1:38 AM, Rorshachblots said:

Any stories of short term relationships (less than 8 months) that went through a break up and worked out? Looking for a bit of hope here 

Not someone I know, but a story I've heard. It was about a woman who dated a man less than a year, but she ended it with him because she felt like she wasn't ready for a commitment. They went no contact for several years until they ran into each others out in public. The man wanted them to give it a second shot, and the woman agreed. They've dated for two years and little did she know that man was her future sprouse. They got married few years back and even have a baby on way.

Edited February 27 by MeetAnArtist
Spelling errors

[summerdays]

Bump!

I love this thread. I’ve read every page and it’s helping me through a tough time. I’m sad to have reached the end! Thanks for everyone’s contributions. Does anyone else have stories? 

[reece0309]

I've read through this thread twice now, really hoping that my ex who I was with for 5 years comes back! We broke up more cause of external circumstances and stressors, which makes it really frustrating cause it's not like it was us as people. If I'm lucky enough to have him come back (he has breadcrumbed me 3x in the past few months) I'll for sure share my story as this thread has been a lifeline. Anyway, here's  some stories I have!

My ex's parents broke up before they got married - I believe 6-7 times, and it wasn't the same person doing the dumping each time. Now they've been happily married for about 25 years.

R and H dated for about a year, then she was wanting to go live abroad and he wasn't sure. She broke up with him and it was hard on both of them. She asked for him back a few weeks later, but he turned her down. Still, it goes to show dumpers do come back.

R and A dated for a year and a half then had a mutual breakup where they went NC. About a month later, A reached out to say she wanted to work on things and try. It took R a little bit longer to come around, but he agreed and decided he wanted to fix things. They dated again for about 6 months, and they've just broken up again, but I'm pretty confident they'll get back together.

K and E were FWB for 3 months, then dated for 3 months. K had commitment issues so they reverted back to FWB for another 6 months then he pulled the plug on being FWB and dated someone else. That only lasted a few months then they went back to FWB for about 10 months, still having feelings for each other. Once again, K got nervous and ended being FWB rather abruptly and they had a period of NC for 4 months. A traumatic event that happened made E reach out to K, and they started up their friendship and benefits once again, which has been ongoing for about 8 months. They both care about each other and probably have loved each other this whole time, K is just working through his commitment issues and they've talked about formally dating again by the end of this year.

M and A have been on and off for several years with a number of breakups. Every time one of them ends up reaching out to the other by the 2 month mark of NC and they patch things up.

These are all the ones I can think of off the top of my head, but when I hear more I'll post again!

[Jambalaya421]

my ex made comments about she stought of coming back 20 times, but im happy to tell her no now. quit reading this thread for hope people. go live your life. took me a year to stop hoping! reading this and watching videos keeps you in a never ending hope trap. 

[WMTH1234]

This thread is great - truly has helped me in my healing process. Just some notes on takeaways before my reconciliation stories:

1) For those of you asking "what are your chances" - know that (a) no one can predict the chances of reconciliation in your situation, (b) stories with similar fact patterns are not indicative of what may happen, and (c) there is nothing you can do to increase your chances of reconciliation. Be the best version of yourself and focus on yourself.

However, also be easy on yourselves - I believe there is a certain period during the healing process where your brain desperately wants assurances, answers, certainty in the future, etc. You can't help but seek answers, but that need will fade in time as you heal. Similarly, early in the healing process it is impossible to focus on yourself. However, keep taking the right actions and eventually it will happen. You may not think any healing is happening, even when you're doing all the right things, but you'll eventually be able to look back and be happy that you created new memories and improved yourself during that time you were completely miserable.

2) What this thread has brought home is that everything outside of my own actions is out of my control. I can only focus being on the best person I can be and that is the only way I can impact my future. I cannot make anyone else do or feel anything. This extends to the idea that, even though I have control of my actions and how I interact with others, no matter what I do, I cannot do things to guarantee that another person will love or appreciate me. That has to come from them.

3) Related to (2), I have reached the following mentality which has helped me to heal. I am (very) open to reconciliation with my ex because I believe we are incredibly compatible and make each other better. However, that is only how I see our relationship. If he does not view our relationship in that way, all it means is that we were not actually that compatible because we clearly don't see eye-to-eye on this topic. What is meant to be will be, and I deserve a relationship better than the one I had before (because I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is giving me 100%). Whether this is with my ex or someone new, I can't say - but I know it will be better because I won't accept anything less.

Ok! Now onto what everyone wants to hear:

(1) My very best friend and her boyfriend originally met the year after college. I think they were together a year or so, but then he was deployed. During his deployment, she felt neglected. Specifically, he wouldn't call or message her even when she saw he was online. She broke up with him and told him to never contact her again. She took the break-up pretty hard (her mom came up to stay with her for a while) but then completely moved on - never expected to hear from him again. About 9 months after the break-up, he reaches out, they reconnect, and they begin dating again. They've always had a bit of a volatile relationship (breaking up for a few days at a time when they get angry with each other), but did get married this past December - 8 years (minus 9 months) after they first got together.

(2) Another one of my good friends just got back with her ex. They met in law school and had dated about 4 or 5 years. She always admired him intellectually, but honestly she is a bit of a commitment-phobe and never seemed truly head over heels for him. About 6 months to a year ago (not quite certain of the timeline), she breaks up with him because she finds he lied about something. She said it wasn't cheating or anything, it was something small, but evidently it was a deal breaker for her. They stayed in contact as friends (she offered his help to me when I recently moved lol) and just recently got back together. Again, she doesn't really seem that into him, so who knows what will happen in the long run.

(3) A girl I just met told me her reconciliation story. She had met these two guys, A and B, around the same time. She dated them both casually, but really fell in love with A. Well - A was recently separated from his wife, but called off his relationship with my friend when he and his wife decided to try and make it work. My friend was devastated, but decides to just move on with B. B and her move in together. Even though A broke up with her, he stays in contact during this time. Eventually, A and his wife realize they can't make it work and decide to finalize the separation. A then begins to seriously pursue my friend again. About a year after my friend met A and B, she realizes its not working with B and that she really wants to be with A. She just recently moved countries to be with A and they are getting a dog and talking about marriage.

[WMTH1234]

Actually! Just thought of a few more (though I wouldn't say all of them are positive):

(1) My ex's parents were apart for a year or so - he was abroad and she dated and was about to marry another guy. I don't know the details, but apparently swooped back in the nick of time. She still tells him how lucky he is because the other guy was evidently rich and from a successful, well-connected family.

(2) One of my best guy friends keeps getting back together with his baby mama, sometimes after years apart. However - their relationship is super volatile and I'm honestly not sure it's a good thing they keep getting back together.

(3) My ex's sister was with this guy who kept not putting in enough effort, although she really loved him and kept going out of her way to make it work for them. They broke up several times during that period but always got back together. Finally, after breaking up with her, she effectively breaks up with him - telling him that it's over for real. They are apart a long time (maybe a year?) when he comes crawling back, trying to make it work. She, at this point, is totally over him and tells him to go take a hike.

[HopelessRomantic7]

On 7/16/2009 at 11:33 AM, Puckdog27 said:

I’ve gotten so much encouragement from this thread that I felt compelled to share my own experience. Warning, this is long, but hopefully it can give you hope too. 
 

Jessica (45) and I (44) met online in December of 2019. Neither, I think, was truly looking for something serious but by April we were in love and saw each other multiple times a week, with and without our kids. It was wonderful. We never fought, truly enjoyed our time together, took the kids on vacation over the summer, had a little romantic getaway of our own and generally made the best of covid. 
After a couple of minor disagreements, she broke it off at the end of August. I was distraught and committed every mistake in the book: chased, pleaded, overanalyzed, tried to show her she was wrong (took me a while to understand that one!). All to no avail for the first few weeks. 
On 09/21, I sent her a long message, my final plea. She replied “all I can give you is friendship.” The next evening, we texted and I again tried to convince to give us a chance. “We’re done,” was her reply, to which I could only answer “OK.  Have a good night.”

The following morning, she texted to see how I was and what I was doing the day before my birthday. Later that day, acting on a hunch, I texted back that she was welcome to come to my birthday and that I hadn’t invited her simply because I though she wouldn’t want to come. Early on my birthday, she said she’d like to if the invite still stood. 
We hung out with our kids and a couple of friends. Then everyone went inside to get dinner ready, except for us. The second we were alone, she looked me in the eye and said “it’s so nice to see you.” I replied it was and she suddenly kissed me. The most passionate, emotional kiss of my life. 
 

While she stipulated we could see each other as “friends,” we were back together within a month. When I asked her weeks later why she came, she simply said “I really missed you.” 
 

The new relationship was incredible. While she used to run from tough situations before (she might have avoidant tendencies), she’d come back right away and talk. I worked on my own issues (patience was one due to personal stressors over the summer and I tend to get passionate about things, which makes her uncomfortable due to her childhood experience). We spent more time together than before, the sex, the intimacy and the affection were amazing and I honestly could not have been happier. She seemed happy too. 
 

From an early stage I knew she was the love of my life. The challenges of that breakup and subsequent issues only reinforced that feeling in me over time. I’d been married for years, had my share of relationships, but this one was one of a kind. I hate the word, but she was my soulmate. I could not wait to grow old with her. We spoke of marriage and moving in logistics, of taking trips together. 
 

Sadly, this past March, she broke up again, out of the blue. I know how that sounds but even she admitted this was “out of left field.” She was adamant during the call that there would be no negotiating, no third chance. She said things she said the first time around, that sounded so final back then but that we obviously managed to get over and that didn’t match her actions leading up to the breakup. She’d been so demonstrative, loving, affectionate, so eager to see me, right up to the end. 
 

During that call, I opted for listening. For understanding why this was happening, rather than going into fixing mode. I think I was even more confused after we hung up. Then I started NC. That lasted 10 days. Since we had agreed to have a face to face, I checked in with her to schedule that. She answered my texts and a phone call in a cheery way, but wasn’t committed to meeting quite yet. I decided to let her reach out when she was ready. 
 

One month after the breakup, I texted her to say how much I missed her. I was drunk. It was stupid. She replied the next day, apologizing for hurting me. Stupidly, I started texting her about how I wish we’d talked about this sooner, to prevent the breakup., how I felt we didn’t really try. 
She said she tried. I see an instance or two where she did and I messed up, but the rest must’ve been hints that I didn’t pick up on in spite of my hyper awareness since the first breakup. 

That conversation was a mistake. We didn’t fight and while I didn’t beg, I did frustrate her and made her feel unheard. That night she unfriended me on FB. 

So, the point here is that coming back from a breakup is entirely possible, even though she had told me early on that once she breaks up, she never comes back. In our case she did once and I hope she does again. Maintaining the new relationship is the challenge and I absolutely see my own shortcomings in that regard. 
 

It’s been 2 months since I’ve seen her, 6 weeks since the breakup and 2 weeks since that ill-fated text exchange. I believe we are made for each other, though she told me during the breakup that we’re mismatched. I don’t hold that belief out of grief or nostalgia. Rather I KNOW because I’ve done a serious emotional inventory as well as lots of work on how my actions contributed to this second breakup. But I also realize that is MY conviction, not hers. Not right now anyway. 

I have my ups and downs, I’m sad, I miss her so much but fundamentally I believe we can get back together again but she has to experience the loss too. Love doesn’t die that fast and we truly love(d) each other. What I’m working on is addressing those things in me I know make her feel like running. They’re not massive, but any chance of reconciliation will be hindered by not resolving them once and for all. I’ve also tried to take the longer view, mostly thanks to everyone that has posted here over the years. This will take some time, I can’t rush it but I’m also not giving up. 
 

I want to hold her, now, lose myself in her soulful brown eyes, but I realize the value of time and space for both of us. I’m not at peace with it yet, but I know it’s the only way. 
 

Thanks to everyone who posted their experiences here. I come here daily for strength and I hope that the first part of my story will help others on the same path. 
 

 

[Jambalaya421]

12 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic7 said:

I’ve gotten so much encouragement from this thread that I felt compelled to share my own experience. Warning, this is long, but hopefully it can give you hope too. 
 

Jessica (45) and I (44) met online in December of 2019. Neither, I think, was truly looking for something serious but by April we were in love and saw each other multiple times a week, with and without our kids. It was wonderful. We never fought, truly enjoyed our time together, took the kids on vacation over the summer, had a little romantic getaway of our own and generally made the best of covid. 
After a couple of minor disagreements, she broke it off at the end of August. I was distraught and committed every mistake in the book: chased, pleaded, overanalyzed, tried to show her she was wrong (took me a while to understand that one!). All to no avail for the first few weeks. 
On 09/21, I sent her a long message, my final plea. She replied “all I can give you is friendship.” The next evening, we texted and I again tried to convince to give us a chance. “We’re done,” was her reply, to which I could only answer “OK.  Have a good night.”

The following morning, she texted to see how I was and what I was doing the day before my birthday. Later that day, acting on a hunch, I texted back that she was welcome to come to my birthday and that I hadn’t invited her simply because I though she wouldn’t want to come. Early on my birthday, she said she’d like to if the invite still stood. 
We hung out with our kids and a couple of friends. Then everyone went inside to get dinner ready, except for us. The second we were alone, she looked me in the eye and said “it’s so nice to see you.” I replied it was and she suddenly kissed me. The most passionate, emotional kiss of my life. 
 

While she stipulated we could see each other as “friends,” we were back together within a month. When I asked her weeks later why she came, she simply said “I really missed you.” 
 

The new relationship was incredible. While she used to run from tough situations before (she might have avoidant tendencies), she’d come back right away and talk. I worked on my own issues (patience was one due to personal stressors over the summer and I tend to get passionate about things, which makes her uncomfortable due to her childhood experience). We spent more time together than before, the sex, the intimacy and the affection were amazing and I honestly could not have been happier. She seemed happy too. 
 

From an early stage I knew she was the love of my life. The challenges of that breakup and subsequent issues only reinforced that feeling in me over time. I’d been married for years, had my share of relationships, but this one was one of a kind. I hate the word, but she was my soulmate. I could not wait to grow old with her. We spoke of marriage and moving in logistics, of taking trips together. 
 

Sadly, this past March, she broke up again, out of the blue. I know how that sounds but even she admitted this was “out of left field.” She was adamant during the call that there would be no negotiating, no third chance. She said things she said the first time around, that sounded so final back then but that we obviously managed to get over and that didn’t match her actions leading up to the breakup. She’d been so demonstrative, loving, affectionate, so eager to see me, right up to the end. 
 

During that call, I opted for listening. For understanding why this was happening, rather than going into fixing mode. I think I was even more confused after we hung up. Then I started NC. That lasted 10 days. Since we had agreed to have a face to face, I checked in with her to schedule that. She answered my texts and a phone call in a cheery way, but wasn’t committed to meeting quite yet. I decided to let her reach out when she was ready. 
 

One month after the breakup, I texted her to say how much I missed her. I was drunk. It was stupid. She replied the next day, apologizing for hurting me. Stupidly, I started texting her about how I wish we’d talked about this sooner, to prevent the breakup., how I felt we didn’t really try. 
She said she tried. I see an instance or two where she did and I messed up, but the rest must’ve been hints that I didn’t pick up on in spite of my hyper awareness since the first breakup. 

That conversation was a mistake. We didn’t fight and while I didn’t beg, I did frustrate her and made her feel unheard. That night she unfriended me on FB. 

So, the point here is that coming back from a breakup is entirely possible, even though she had told me early on that once she breaks up, she never comes back. In our case she did once and I hope she does again. Maintaining the new relationship is the challenge and I absolutely see my own shortcomings in that regard. 
 

It’s been 2 months since I’ve seen her, 6 weeks since the breakup and 2 weeks since that ill-fated text exchange. I believe we are made for each other, though she told me during the breakup that we’re mismatched. I don’t hold that belief out of grief or nostalgia. Rather I KNOW because I’ve done a serious emotional inventory as well as lots of work on how my actions contributed to this second breakup. But I also realize that is MY conviction, not hers. Not right now anyway. 

I have my ups and downs, I’m sad, I miss her so much but fundamentally I believe we can get back together again but she has to experience the loss too. Love doesn’t die that fast and we truly love(d) each other. What I’m working on is addressing those things in me I know make her feel like running. They’re not massive, but any chance of reconciliation will be hindered by not resolving them once and for all. I’ve also tried to take the longer view, mostly thanks to everyone that has posted here over the years. This will take some time, I can’t rush it but I’m also not giving up. 
 

I want to hold her, now, lose myself in her soulful brown eyes, but I realize the value of time and space for both of us. I’m not at peace with it yet, but I know it’s the only way. 
 

Thanks to everyone who posted their experiences here. I come here daily for strength and I hope that the first part of my story will help others on the same path. 
 

 

sounds like she was pretending during the 2nd go around. she deserves an emmy. I respect your takingownershipand sound like a great guy but the odds of a thrird time working out are nextto impoossible!!!

[HopelessRomantic7]

3 minutes ago, Jambalaya421 said:

sounds like she was pretending during the 2nd go around. she deserves an emmy. I respect your takingownershipand sound like a great guy but the odds of a thrird time working out are nextto impoossible!!!

What gives you that impression? She put in the work truly changed her tendency to run away. I even talked to her about it when things were good. It was impressive. You can’t fake that. She was also so eager to spend time together, so much of it. Had she lost her feelings, that would’ve dwindled. 
Obviously I’m not the one with the most perspective here! 

[Andrina]

You've already seen a pattern here, so you'd be plain dumb to ignore it. She'd rather run away than care enough to stay and work on issues. She doesn't care enough, regardless of the reason. She either operates like this with every guy, or sees a dealbreaker with you, or something is missing to make her not want longterm. Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a girlfriend, because it seems you have her on a pedestal, and if you've made her the sole center of your universe, I'm sure she feels smothered.

On again, off again relationships mean they aren't meant to be. And you're pooh-poohing her view that you're mismatched. Perhaps she has removed the rose colored glasses and you haven't.

I'd advise for your own good to end the self-talk about her being the love of your life. It's your wishful thinking, but I'd only believe that if you're together and stay that way the rest of your lives. That belief will prevent you from moving on. You might work on your self esteem during this time, as it could be that you subconsciously accept what you think you're worth, which is someone who treats you like a yo-yo. 

In my experience, it usually took me at least a good 4 to 6 months to get over someone, and with time and distance, I got a clearer view that the relationship wasn't good for me even if I'd thought so at the time. Those life experiences were helpful for me to realize what I didn't want in a partner, and was happy to be free when the right one came along. I appreciated him all the more.

[Seraphim]

My parents broke up like 15 times so so so so glad they finally stayed apart. It was a horror show for all involved. 

[WMTH1234]

Well, I've come to the realization it's likely not going to happen for me, but my sister and her boyfriend just got back together. They were together about 1.5 years and are both in their mid-20s. She dumped him in January when he went back to Canada after his visa expired (which was super cruel of her tbh) and she seemed to have lost all feelings for him at the time. However, they kept in contact and the break-up somehow turned into a (sort of) break. He just came back to the US last week and they moved back in together. He's also back as part of our family chat group. They were separated 5 months.

I've stopped taking hope from these stories. Unfortunately, even if 90% get back together, it's not necessarily going to shed light on your own situation. However - I've read this thread so many times that it only feels right to update it with new stories as I hear them.

[Afjl]

Hey everyone,

I posted some words of encouragement and my story about two years ago. I promised that I would come back and update things in case there are changes. Well, there are updates for sure…just not the updates I was originally wanting from two years ago. However, I feel like what has happened was something necessary for both parties. 
 

A quick summary for anyone wondering about what happened. My ex of 4 years was very confused about her feelings for me for a long time and had a wandering eye. Eventually, she left me to be with someone else who in hindsight, wasn’t a very good choice. Said all the things in the book, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, “I love you like family”, “you are my best friend” etc. Was completely infatuated with this new person from the first week and was terrible and cruel towards me (tunnel visioned pretty hard). 
 

Well, fastforward to two and a half years since the break up, I finally got that text I had wished for for months after the break up! Now, I sort of expected it one day when her new relationship goes through the ups and downs, and everything I had suspected would happen, did happen. However, she ended up in another relationship quickly after that one failed, and then this second one failed too. This second person doesn’t sound very compatible or the best choice either, but who knows.
 

How do I feel about all this now that I’m in a more logical and better mental state? A little bit sad, a little bit hopeful, and a little bit vindicated. But I don’t feel good at all. Because the whole “revenge” mindset that I had when I was angry was only temporary. I also know that deep down in my heart, I still love her deeply, as real love never truly goes away no matter how long. There was still a connection. I learned a valuable lesson through finding myself during the break up and that has helped me gain confidence, my own identity, friendships, a positive attitude in life, and also a stronger foundation of maturity. I know she has a lot of growing to do, as I have done my own and gone through the motions of pain. I supported her as a temporary cushion through the initial stages of her most recent break up (she hasn’t been alone truly for 16 years now, jump from one to the next). I found the closure I needed through working in myself and my insecurities, but I also got the closure I wanted her from her reaching out with sincere remorse on what she did. For the longest time, I wonder if she cared. I questioned it. And I know she does now, for certain. 
 

How does she feel? Well, she is at the same place mentally with regards to a dependency on a relationship for happiness. She is very hurt from everything she went through after me, and has grown a lot during the timespan of us being apart. I have faith in her to continue growing and recognize her patterns which would lead to a lifetime of unhappiness if she continues this way. She has mentioned she always loved me, but didn’t know if it was romantic enough. But she knows that out of anyone in her life, I’ll always be setting the bar and I’ll always be the one who treated her with the most respect, empathy, and effort. She is doing better now and I had to be the one to let her go this time, for both our own good. She is now trying to move on and do the self-reflection that is long overdue.
 

So what does this all mean? I am at the point where I know that I’ll be happy with or without her. Of course, a part of me believes her and I would be happier if we are with each other, but she isn’t ready. I spent the last two years growing significantly and focusing on myself everyday in ways she has not, and her journey is now behind me. 
 

A lot of people have this misconception that reconciliation just happens because an ex sudden realizes their love for the other person after making a mistake and come swoop them off their feet. I call this the reverse Disney-fantasy. While most dumpers chase after that disney fantasy relationship, dumpees chase after that disney fantasy reconciliation. What some don’t realize, is that your ex tends to go through a process before coming to the conclusion that maybe they let a really good thing go. Of course, we as the heartbroken see it, but it doesn’t mean they see it. It hurts thinking of them being with someone else, it hurts thinking about them all happy without you, and it hurts having obsessive thoughts about them constantly for months (maybe years if you were together for a decade or more). But this is something they HAVE TO go through. How else will they learn and realize the lessons that we had to go through? It’s just that the journeys are reversed, but all parties must go through the journey. 
 

It’s part of why many reconciliations don’t work out. Because one or both people are not on that same stage of growth. Success is hard because we want it so bad when we think we have it, and it comes crashing down when we realize we don’t. Through time, you start recognizing that the version of your ex from the past is not what you want, and you would like the potential of who they can be. But the person they can be doesn’t exist, yet. And many will only exist by the time it’s too late. People rarely ever change their patterns. Only through intense trauma or pain, do we truly reflect on how to prevent the same mistakes from happening again. 
 

We will eventually move on and learn to accept all outcomes. Here were mine: 

1. My ex comes back to me lovingly and shows me intense regret, after growing up and changing her mentality of what love is (being on the same page as me) - I wanted this in the first year, but realistically? It would have taken many years of life hardships for her to reflect on this. 
 

2. My ex goes through the next relationship, and the next, and the next until she burns out and settles for something less than what will really make her fulfilled. That’s a very sad thought but I see many people doing this, and they are normally the ones who can’t be alone. 
 

3. My ex goes through some relationships and eventually learns that she has hurt me deeply and regrets doing that. But still has a lot of figuring out to do, however, understood that the old relationship ran its course and had its issues. She will be on the first or second step of the journey by the time she reaches out to at least make sure I know she acknowledges what she has done. - This happened and was the most realistic. It isn’t that she learned 100% or learned nothing. She is in the middle of it. 
 

It’s possible she will regress or continue growing. No one really knows what will happen in the future. But we both know our doors are open. She wanted me as a friend, but I also don’t think it’s feasible due to feelings and her needing an emotional crutch to go through the motions. I did not want to let her go, hoping to stay in her life and rekindle something more, but I know I had to for both of us. 
 

Reconciliation doesn’t just happen. The right conditions and mindset must be in place before there is even a chance. Sometimes, it takes a tough decision to get there too. Just know that your ex made the decision at the time of dumping you, with the mindset that it would make them happy. People are chasing their own happiness, and you cannot control the reality they believe in. What you can do is manage your perspective and control what you do in the long run. 
 

Good luck everyone on moving on. Time really does heal all. Will my ex and I get back together? Well, she came back on the wrong terms (as she left selfishly, she should come back into my life on my terms afterall). And maybe one day, she will come back on the right terms (we will be on the same page). 

I can only wish her well and send her on her way. I am at the point where I truly am very fond of her and have let go of the past (but it seems she has not yet, as she didn't do the growing that I did). You'd be surprised on how long growth can be delayed if we let it. I unconditionally want her to be happy. Ideally, it would be with me. And if it happens, it was meant to be. If it doesn't, then so be it. I have a new "healing" I have to do now, as I miss her again after catching up. 
 

When you come to terms that you miss the person they could have been, not the person they truly were, then you truly find the freedom from the pain. 

 

[mary1]

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[Rubydrops]

Since my BU almost two months ago, this forum and in particular, this thread, has kept me above waters during the first few weeks of the BU because I felt hopeful that maybe it wasn't the end. Without getting into the gritty details, I was the one who walked away because after a year and a half, he wouldn't commit and suddenly we're back to the reason why we broke up the first time around. I lost my composure and regretted it instantly even though deep down, I knew it was the right decision.

After a few weeks, I asked if he wanted to try again (we were in LC at that point with me initiating) and he turned me down so I accepted his answer and said my goodbyes and have been NC ever since. As disappointing as that was, I didn't feel as devastated as I did right after I broke up with him. I tried everything and it was time to work on myself. Started working out, saw a therapist, connecting with old friends, going all in on work, picked up new hobbies, voice journaling, did a bunch of traveling and hiking, etc and I felt more like myself and less like the sobbing anxious mess from two months ago. I'm no longer fixated on a future with him because a future without him looks pretty bright too.

Anyway, I wanted to contribute to the thread for my own experiences as well as my friends -

1. I realized the other day that all the exes from my serious relationships except two (this guy and the ex before him) have come back months and years after the break up. All the times that felt like the end of the world was apparently just a false alarm. There was one guy who showed up at my door after a year of NC asking for another chance and I declined as I was no longer interested and was in a relationship at the time. Another came back but I broke up with him after a month because he didn't have the guts to end things himself. Found out through a friend that the ex before this one ALMOST reached out to me but then he met somebody at a party who was more compatible with him - I was over him at that point though.

2. My friend's cousin separated from his wife for 8 months before they got back together. Not sure about his wife but he dated others before she apologized for her part in the break up and talked about what she was doing about her insecurities. They're still together now.

3. One of my close friends from high school was dumped by her BF at the time and got back together after a week. We didn't speak for a year after that because I didn't like how he treated her during the relationship and told them as such. We reconnected after they broke up again a year later and she's in a happy relationship now.

4. Another close friend from college had an on/off relationship with this guy for two years before they broke it up for good. She was quite insecure at the time and he got fed up with her taking it out on him.  She's married to the guy who said on/off is not an option if they're going to spend their lives together as a team.

5. Another college friend had several on/off relationships throughout the years that I know him. Unfortunately he has recently divorced, but the guy is on fire with his career and travels so it's not so bad.

6. A coworker of mine had an on/off relationship with one of her more volatile ex before breaking it up with him for good and reconnected with another guy she dated but lost touch with a year before. They're married with a baby now, yall.

7. An ex of mine got married to his ex three years after they broke up. He was a total player during that time and still hung up on her even when we dated. We ended on really bad terms and don't speak anymore but our mutual friends had said they now have two kids together.

8. Close friend of mine broke up with her ex after two years or so. Three years after that break up, they got back together for another six years (moved in together too) before calling it quits altogether. Three years after that... guess what? She DIDN'T get back together with her ex but met the woman she's living with right now - love at first sight apparently, nauseatingly sweet couple.

That's all I have for now. Several of my flings have come back after NC as well - some wanted to be FWB again and some wanted the actual relationship, but the reason why I call them flings is because I never saw a viable future with them beyond their present company. Not all of these were happy endings, and maybe for some it's not really the end, but I promise you that those people ended up doing just fine. 

[minute_perception]

Hope makes the world go round and without it, I think life would be a pretty sacrilegious sort of place. My ex and I broke up 8 months ago, he's offered and is happy for us to catch up and talk but that is it. He said he still likes/misses me all the time and thinks of me all of the time but isn't interested in trying at the relationship, which I do agree about. I have sent him numerous long, sad texts since the break up which I *do* regret but there has been immense hurt, that I have personally felt. When we have spoken on the phone, he does express doubt of the decision he made from time to time. For the first time in a while, I noticed he was looking at an Instagram story of mine even though we have unfollowed each other. We agreed that if we ever do revisit our relationship, it is once we are in a better place. I'm unsure if this is remotely positive or am I being unrealistic? I know I must move on; things feel bleak at times. I have been on dates since but I have not been intimate with anyone since (out of personal choice), and have little plans to do so, but I worry I may be living my life in hopes of something that is unlikely to occur (with him). I realise this time will have to come in due course. 

Edited August 19 by minute_perception

[LaHermes]

6 hours ago, minute_perception said:

I worry I may be living my life in hopes of something that is unlikely to occur (with him).

 

6 hours ago, minute_perception said:

m I being unrealistic?

Yes, you are being unrealistic.   And you know it. Why waste any more of your valuable life?  

I don't think hope makes the world go round, but positive action sure does.  Malignant hope may well make some sectors of the world tumble around. 

[skermahger]

This thread/forum has been a welcome distraction from a ***ty breakup. I know it's not great to hitch your wagon to the chance an ex will come back but as many people on here have said, it's their way of coping for the time being. Good luck to everyone out there. Sending you compassion for wherever you're at today 🙂 

[skermahger]

Thought I would add to the good vibes:

1. My mom and dad actually split up for a year before getting married. She moved to a different state and they randomly bumped into each other and started things up again.

2. One of my exes got back together and is engaged to his high school ex

3. A friend of mine and her now-husband broke up on five different occasions, including at least once when they were engaged and at least once for months. Unsure on who did the dumping, if there was any contact, etc. but she comforted me when I shared how I was feeling about my recent breakup and she said her breakups were hard for her too. 

4. Another friend of mine and her now-husband broke up but only for a couple days

Again good luck to everyone out there. I'm with you on feeling hopeful, sad, scared, anxious, depressed – all of the feelings! Sending you a virtual hug and well wishes.

[NBJ]

I would like to say thank you to all those who have posted reconciliation story here. It really helped me a lot during my recovery from the break up. I have been searching for reconciliation stories with similar situation of my own, with the hope that I will be the one who post my personal reconciliation story some day! 
It’s already 5 years since my break up, I wanna mark a closure to my journey today as I just knew yesterday that my ex has got marry with someone.

Although I didn’t end up getting back with my ex, I have moved on well and met my current bf three years ago. He is a great person and we get along with each other really well. He has became my best friend.

Thanks again to this post. It really helped me a lot during my healing process. It gave me hope in my miserable times which none of the people around me think I will be able to get back with my ex. I have had no one to share my feelings. I also appreciate the advices and experience shared by all of you here.

I do think that reconciliation is difficult but it does happen! Although I am not one of those to share a success story, I hope it will happen to you who are reading this post right now and trying to get through the tough times during the break up! Good luck! 

[Pooffster]

Reading through 98 pages has really given me some hope during my difficult break up that happened 1 month ago. 

Here's a few reconciliation stories from my end:

1. Friends of mine. Guy and girl were high school classmates, dated for a year or two. Broke up and went separate ways in different countries. They went on to date different people, with the guy moving in with a new girlfriend for 2-3 years. They broke up when the new gf migrated. The guy went back to his highschool gf, who's always shared similar circle of friends and they have since been married .

2. Friends of my ex. Guy and girl met in university, with girl helping him out a lot with school work, basically being a real rock in the relationship. They were planning on a marriage. Somehow the guy met another girl, broke off with the university girlfriend. I think they went into NC. The guy eventually planned to marry the new gf, even had prewedding photos taken. But just a few months before, he found some huge disparity with her living habits and her spending his money freely and finally chased the girl out. He went back with his university girlfriend, and they are now happily married with 2 children.

3. Another friend of my ex, serial dater. Had a young gf, all went well for 1 year but he suddenly dumped her, went LC. He met another girl from church and dated very briefly for a few months, but eventually broke up. He said he still loved the young gf more, and managed to win her back again. They have been together for the past few years.

So if both parties have had personal growth, and are willing to work out fundamental problems in the relationship, the relationship is reparable.

4. Now for my own reconciliation story. We met when I was 22F and him 26M. I was in uni and he was already working. He came into the relationship dating to marry. LDR for the next 3 years, things were really great, we were committed, same values and had a lot of fun. Transitioned into working life. I grew personally after working and wasn't as fun anymore. But we were still committed. Somehow I wasn't sure of the relationship as it was my first serious one, and wasn't ready for marriage and we broke up after being together for 4 years. I regretted. Worked on myself and tried to dissect what went wrong with the relationship so it doesn't happen again. He is a wonderful partner. We've been together almost 6 years now, and I had some serious communication issues, unable to discuss marriage openly as I wasn't ready for a family. Marriage to me was being able to start a family, while it meant stability for him, family or not. I've always known he'll be my life partner, but couldn't decide on when to settle down. My workload is horrendous as I'm a hospital based healthcare provider. We've been through another LDR for 2 years, and then another one now. But the pandemic and travel restrictions made it too difficult, and it's too tiring for him to keep waiting for me. Some depression on my end also made me quite unkind to him for the past 3 years. He eventually lost interest. I finally decided I was ready for the whole marriage package. But it was too late for him. So we broke up in Aug 2021. He was the dumper. Devastating. Sigh. Working on myself now, finally engaging in weekly therapy, giving us some space. I'm not sure what the future holds. I hope to become better for myself and my future relationships. I'd wish he'd be in the picture again, as I know we can work well for a future together, if he's willing. Nothing but a clean slate can work for us now.

Yes. Reconciliations do happen, but you'll need a lot of work to ask yourselves, what can be different this time, what work you've done and if your goals align in the future. Set practical deadlines and work together. Past baggages need to be forgotten or forgiven as well, otherwise they become resounding resentment. All the best to those who are going through this. 2nd time 3rd time together is not impossible.

Edited September 24 by Pooffster