Getting back together really does happen!

[tsa902]

Oh my god. I just had to log in to express how happy I am for you. I hope things work out for the best!

Like Carus said, what was your thought process? and are you able to make a create a post about your thoughts, journey ect ect?

[Belg]

This is a wonderful thread!

 

I think every situation is different. This post is not to get some advice, but to show my situation.

 

My gf broke up with me in January after 2.5 years together. She told me I was to needy, clingy and that I didn't trust her 100%. It was just out of the blue because she never told me these feelings...

A couple of days after her decision she was not sure about it, she was very emotional and was still thinking about it. I was hoping, begging pleading, but she stayed with her decision. So i went NC to give her space and time.

 

30 days of NC passed and I didn't receive any messages. I was hoping on just one text from her, but nothing happened ( it made me suffering to count the days).

This week something strange happened... out of the blue (after 40 days of NC) I received a text from her '' how are you?". I was in panic and couldn't answer it directly. So another text from her followed. I was like OMG what happens here haha . She texted me in her second text "she understands if I won't reply. In the same message she told me a memory of her and me and that she was thinking about this memory. For me it was very strange... I think some people here also remember some tips from relationship experts to send a message to your ex with a good memory or a happy feeling to break NC. I replied 1 day later, the following 3 days we were texting about nothing special the only thing she was still asking again and again how I was doing because I ignored this question and I texted something different.

 

On day 3 of this contact period i called her because I was suffering (I still love her and this was giving me hope so i was missing her). On the phone she was a different person, I was shocked. She told me her text was only to see how I was doing, nothing else. If I replied I was doing great she would feel her better (lowering her guilty decision). She also said she was unhappy because I replied a day later on her messages.

 

I asked her how she was feeling in those 40 days of NC. She told me the first 2 weeks it was horrible, she was very lonely and thinking about me. After a couple of weeks she didn't miss me anymore. She was very happy and didn't feel suffocating anymore + she didn't regret her decision. She could't understand why I was still suffering because she moved on. So she moved on after only 40 days of NC when we were 2.5 years together this made me feel very disappointing. I told her to stop texting me because I was unhappy about it. I also said you can only text me if you change your mind. She said ok, but you can text me whenever you want.

 

I still lover her and want her back, but i think it won't happend because she is to sure about her decision. Maybe it was also to fast for her it was only 40 days of NC, i have read something in this thread that really missing a person starts after 3 months of NC. It is strange to see how a person can change she was so cold and insensitive. I also don't know if it was a good thing to say that she can only contact me if she will change her mind. I don't know what the future brings for me, but I will post here if it is some positive news. Day 1 of NC starts again today.

 

So an ex will come back, but not always to come back in a relationship. Watch out with those texts.

 

I wish everyone the best!

[11moreweeks]

This is a wonderful thread!

 

I think every situation is different. This post is not to get some advice, but to show my situation.

 

My gf broke up with me in January after 2.5 years together. She told me I was to needy, clingy and that I didn't trust her 100%. It was just out of the blue because she never told me these feelings...

A couple of days after her decision she was not sure about it, she was very emotional and was still thinking about it. I was hoping, begging pleading, but she stayed with her decision. So i went NC to give her space and time.

 

30 days of NC passed and I didn't receive any messages. I was hoping on just one text from her, but nothing happened ( it made me suffering to count the days).

This week something strange happened... out of the blue (after 40 days of NC) I received a text from her '' how are you?". I was in panic and couldn't answer it directly. So another text from her followed. I was like OMG what happens here haha . She texted me in her second text "she understands if I won't reply. In the same message she told me a memory of her and me and that she was thinking about this memory. For me it was very strange... I think some people here also remember some tips from relationship experts to send a message to your ex with a good memory or a happy feeling to break NC. I replied 1 day later, the following 3 days we were texting about nothing special the only thing she was still asking again and again how I was doing because I ignored this question and I texted something different.

 

On day 3 of this contact period i called her because I was suffering (I still love her and this was giving me hope so i was missing her). On the phone she was a different person, I was shocked. She told me her text was only to see how I was doing, nothing else. If I replied I was doing great she would feel her better (lowering her guilty decision). She also said she was unhappy because I replied a day later on her messages.

 

I asked her how she was feeling in those 40 days of NC. She told me the first 2 weeks it was horrible, she was very lonely and thinking about me. After a couple of weeks she didn't miss me anymore. She was very happy and didn't feel suffocating anymore + she didn't regret her decision. She could't understand why I was still suffering because she moved on. So she moved on after only 40 days of NC when we were 2.5 years together this made me feel very disappointing. I told her to stop texting me because I was unhappy about it. I also said you can only text me if you change your mind. She said ok, but you can text me whenever you want.

 

I still lover her and want her back, but i think it won't happend because she is to sure about her decision. Maybe it was also to fast for her it was only 40 days of NC, i have read something in this thread that really missing a person starts after 3 months of NC. It is strange to see how a person can change she was so cold and insensitive. I also don't know if it was a good thing to say that she can only contact me if she will change her mind. I don't know what the future brings for me, but I will post here if it is some positive news. Day 1 of NC starts again today.

 

So an ex will come back, but not always to come back in a relationship. Watch out with those texts.

 

I wish everyone the best!

 

There's two common explanations for your ex's story.

 

The first is that she moved on while still being with you, in which case, it's not that she moved on in 40 days -- she just had a huge head start.

The second is that she's still processing her breakup emotions. A "liberated" stage of grieving works as a defense mechanism while someone reshapes their life after a breakup. Fully processing can take some people years after a long-term relationship ends.

 

In the same vein, you are processing your own emotions too. You may not want her back after 3 months of NC (restarting of course).

 

I don't think it's all that unhealthy to have some hope for reconciliation after a breakup. It spreads out the mourning process so it doesn't overload a person, and of course sometimes reconciliation does happen. Hope for reconciliation after just 40 days, or even just 3 months, though, is probably not very good.

 

100% true about watching out for texts, though. My ex used talking to me as a means to alleviate some of her loneliness and negative emotions while she got into the initial stages of dating someone she was telling me about while we were still together.

 

Receiving a text from your ex is not a sign that they want to get back together, especially if you are the dumpee. Even really heartfelt communication that shows devotion, appreciation, and other aspects of love (which my ex gave me regularly) are not signs of wanting to get back together. The only communication that truly matters from an ex is, "I want to get back together and I believe the relationship would work for X reasons."

[Belg]

hi!

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

I never knew this (the part of moving on). She was always acting in a normal way.

 

I don't live on hope, because this will create a bigger disappointment if there is no reconciliation. I also think it isn't bad to have "some" hope, but in my conditions these hope is below zero at this moment haha.

 

I think patience is a difficult thing in the beginning (also a problem for me). I know I will not "wait" like i did in those 30 days NC because i don't have the feeling she will ever text me again. Do you think i did the right thing to tell her that she can only text me if she can change her decision? I'm worried about it because she is feeling to much power because of this (my opinion).

On the phone I also had the feeling in her voice that she was feeling so great with all power (telling me she didn't understand why i'am not happy afther this NC+ talking with no emotions).

 

It is very hard because the one you loved is a "stranger" at this moment.

 

Belg

[11moreweeks]

hi!

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

I never knew this (the part of moving on). She was always acting in a normal way.

 

I don't live on hope, because this will create a bigger disappointment if there is no reconciliation. I also think it isn't bad to have "some" hope, but in my conditions these hope is below zero at this moment haha.

 

I think patience is a difficult thing in the beginning (also a problem for me). I know I will not "wait" like i did in those 30 days NC because i don't have the feeling she will ever text me again. Do you think i did the right thing to tell her that she can only text me if she can change her decision? I'm worried about it because she is feeling to much power because of this (my opinion).

On the phone I also had the feeling in her voice that she was feeling so great with all power (telling me she didn't understand why i'am not happy afther this NC+ talking with no emotions).

 

It is very hard because the one you loved is a "stranger" at this moment.

 

Belg

 

Moving on while staying together is just evil. I think my ex did that to me. Not only did I not expect the breakup for the most part (but I did notice a rough patch for cues I wasn't fully being mindful of), but honestly, our relationship was improving while she was choosing to move on. My hopes for her were going up and my efforts in the relationship were both increasing and paying off while she was directing all her emotional investment into breaking up and dating someone she barely knew.

 

Yeah, while it's hard to judge a situation rationally, it's important to not cling to hope that doesn't make sense or wouldn't be beneficial.

 

I think you did the right by texting her that. Apart from kids or business affairs, there's no real reason to talk to an ex unless for reconciliation (if one has feelings for the other). She holds even more power when she thinks she can have her feelings alone dictate her relationships with other people, including her relationships with exes. It gives you more power than you have otherwise, but yes, the dumper maintains most of the power in the dynamic in the long-run. The power dynamic only really swaps when both parties have a change of heart (dumper wants reconciliation, dumpee does not).

 

When I would communicate with my ex for the first 4-6 weeks after the breakup, I had the perception as well that she "felt so great with all the power"). She eventually started sounding really depressed and lonely for another few weeks, and conversations with mutual friends who she was willing to open up to confirmed my perception of her feelings. When she started dating someone else, it seemed like she was empty, and panicked when I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. When she last texted me (for my birthday after 3-4 weeks of no contact since learning she was dating someone else), she seemed to feel guilty and inadequate. Point here being that peoples' emotions after a breakup are variable and take a long time to process, and many people do it in longer-term stages. Dumpers especially seem to go through different longer-term phases, whereas dumpees tend to have tumultuous emotions throughout the day with lessening severity/investment as time goes on (both may hide from their emotions in things like other relationships, hobbies, productivity, or other things).

 

Man.. this girl.. :( Sucks to still care about her so much and to be so in-tune with her emotions and needs. None of this had to happen. I don't think she even wants what she's moved herself towards, but there's nothing I can do to change anything. It's such a weird position to be in where your ex is a stranger, but you still seem to know and understand them so well.

[Belg]

Moving on while staying together is just evil. I think my ex did that to me. Not only did I not expect the breakup for the most part (but I did notice a rough patch for cues I wasn't fully being mindful of), but honestly, our relationship was improving while she was choosing to move on. My hopes for her were going up and my efforts in the relationship were both increasing and paying off while she was directing all her emotional investment into breaking up and dating someone she barely knew.

 

Yeah, while it's hard to judge a situation rationally, it's important to not cling to hope that doesn't make sense or wouldn't be beneficial.

 

I think you did the right by texting her that. Apart from kids or business affairs, there's no real reason to talk to an ex unless for reconciliation (if one has feelings for the other). She holds even more power when she thinks she can have her feelings alone dictate her relationships with other people, including her relationships with exes. It gives you more power than you have otherwise, but yes, the dumper maintains most of the power in the dynamic in the long-run. The power dynamic only really swaps when both parties have a change of heart (dumper wants reconciliation, dumpee does not).

 

When I would communicate with my ex for the first 4-6 weeks after the breakup, I had the perception as well that she "felt so great with all the power"). She eventually started sounding really depressed and lonely for another few weeks, and conversations with mutual friends who she was willing to open up to confirmed my perception of her feelings. When she started dating someone else, it seemed like she was empty, and panicked when I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. When she last texted me (for my birthday after 3-4 weeks of no contact since learning she was dating someone else), she seemed to feel guilty and inadequate. Point here being that peoples' emotions after a breakup are variable and take a long time to process, and many people do it in longer-term stages. Dumpers especially seem to go through different longer-term phases, whereas dumpees tend to have tumultuous emotions throughout the day with lessening severity/investment as time goes on (both may hide from their emotions in things like other relationships, hobbies, productivity, or other things).

 

Man.. this girl.. :( Sucks to still care about her so much and to be so in-tune with her emotions and needs. None of this had to happen. I don't think she even wants what she's moved herself towards, but there's nothing I can do to change anything. It's such a weird position to be in where your ex is a stranger, but you still seem to know and understand them so well.

 

 

Hi

 

maybe it's wrong what I am going to say. In the beginning "the situation of caring" is bigger for the dumpee than the dumper. The situation for the dumper is at this moment freedom, happiness,... (situation in mine story and others). But when time will pass the situation will reverse? I read a lot of posts in this thread and in 9/10 it is this situation.

 

I think sometimes it is also the proud of the dumper that will hide their emotions. There will always be a part of you in the dumper that will make them insecure. In my 1st post I told you she lost her patience because I didn't reply + she told me on the phone 2 days later this made her unhappy because she felt her ignored (a crack in her ego).

 

My first ex was even worser than mine second ex (my first post is about this second ex). She was so cold and mean to me after the BU. The moving on part with this ex was much easier than with this ex #2 because she said the most hurtfull things. She dumped me and after 7 months of NC she sent me a text (this was in 2015)! She was missing me and was wrong what had happened..., but I was in a relationship with ex 2 at that moment so i said please leave me alone. What i will say is that even the coldest and meanest person will change their mind. There is always a part of you in her/him. A mind will bring up memories in your mind + in the mind of the dumper.

 

Time & space will make huge difference I think. Having "some" hope + faith will heal and isn't that bad.

 

I wish you the best of luck 11moreweeks.

[11moreweeks]

Hi

 

maybe it's wrong what I am going to say. In the beginning "the situation of caring" is bigger for the dumpee than the dumper. The situation for the dumper is at this moment freedom, happiness,... (situation in mine story and others). But when time will pass the situation will reverse? I read a lot of posts in this thread and in 9/10 it is this situation.

 

I think sometimes it is also the proud of the dumper that will hide their emotions. There will always be a part of you in the dumper that will make them insecure. In my 1st post I told you she lost her patience because I didn't reply + she told me on the phone 2 days later this made her unhappy because she felt her ignored (a crack in her ego).

 

My first ex was even worser than mine second ex (my first post is about this second ex). She was so cold and mean to me after the BU. The moving on part with this ex was much easier than with this ex #2 because she said the most hurtfull things. She dumped me and after 7 months of NC she sent me a text (this was in 2015)! She was missing me and was wrong what had happened..., but I was in a relationship with ex 2 at that moment so i said please leave me alone. What i will say is that even the coldest and meanest person will change their mind. There is always a part of you in her/him. A mind will bring up memories in your mind + in the mind of the dumper.

 

Time & space will make huge difference I think. Having "some" hope + faith will heal and isn't that bad.

 

I wish you the best of luck 11moreweeks.

 

Yes, I have definitely noticed that to be the trend. The situation seems to reverse pretty often. I know I will take a couple years to recover from my breakup (it was an 8 year relationship and I was planning to propose marriage), so I consider it option coverage to focus solely on myself and not date anyone for a couple years. I also might go to graduate school in a different country, so serious relationships would not work for a couple years anyways. Maybe my ex shows she's better than graduate school, maybe she doesn't, and maybe she doesn't even try or contact me again. Either way, I have something to look forward to. I'll hold on to a small bit of hope, but I will put some of my hope into other life goals too.

 

Your story reminds me of this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393566

 

Thank you for your well wishes, and I wish you the best as well!

[GettingThere89]

Just wanted to let everyone know that reading through this thread is really uplifting and a nice change of pace. I've mentioned in my other threads that I'm letting hope stay in my life, not clinging to it, not letting it run my life, but letting it stay, because I can't just turn it off. It will leave when it's ready. But I'm trying my best to move on with my life and just better myself for the next relationship, whether it's with him or with someone else.

 

That being said... I have a story!

 

My cousin and his girlfriend are high school sweethearts, that have been dating for 9 years. I'm not quite sure of all the reasons for their - multiple - breakups, but I know that a couple times they broke up because of distance (he moved across the country for school, and then for work)... and according to his brother, they would be fine and dandy one day and be broken up the next day due to an argument. Again, don't know the details, but they finally just got engaged a couple months ago, and she's soon moving to his city to be with him.

[valavoo]

I told myself I would do this but screw it.

 

Megabump!

[Guest]

I was dumped after a 9 year relationship (and 5 years of friendship before that). Long story short, spent 7 years in LDR (lots of ups and downs) but we both really loved each other (families were close too); made it to the same country after 7 years; spent 1.5 years together in the same country, until I moved abroad for my master's (which was discussed before moving to the same country). However, my approach was harsh: I told her I'm applying for masters and we'll figure out what we'll do later. She felt excluded from my plans. Decided to mutually break up cz we can't sustain another LDR. A few days later, I decided to propose to show my love and tell her I want to be with her and I will do my best to make LDR work. As soon as I left, LDR issues resurfaced: I want someone next to me, she's not 100% convinced in moving before I finish my studies, she wasn't sure that if she moves everything will be OK between us, I told her it would because when we were together in the same country we were both happy. We had 2 major downs during the post engagement period: she came to visit twice and we tried to fix the issues. Finally, I went into depression: hard to integrate in a new country, no friends, she was my only support, stress of masters studies; I started seeing a therapist to work on my issues. But she couldn't take it and broke up. She mentioned it's for my best, she said she will always love me, she mentioned taking a break or doing counselling before finally sticking to the breakup, she said she wants to be there for me, and when I mentioned that I can't be her friend and if we break up it's for good, she said she'd rather stay away from extreme scenarios and keep an "open" future, whatever that means. 2 weeks after the breakup she messages my sister asking if I was doing OK and that she misses talking to me. 2 weeks later, I send her a long email for closure and to tell her everything I had to say and how we can resolve our issues, and what's my part in the breakup and how I am taking steps to improve my own life (therapy, making friends, family, etc.) We happened to be back home for a vacation 2 weeks later and she replied mentioning that we can't be together but she's ready to meet for "closure" and that she's not willing to fix things this time. I replied saying I don't see the point of seeing each other if there's no willingness to move forward because we both said everything we had to say. It's been 2 months of NC except for that email. I'm working a lot on myself, trying to stay positive, doing new hobbies, etc. And this thread helped a lot in putting some positive outlook to things. I'm trying not to hold on to hope and I'm sticking to NC. I think it's the best decision. I hope our paths will cross; also holding on to "what is meant to be will be"

[SethSLC]

I have no reason to come here except I'm up late and bored but I thought I could come here and share something to help others...

 

I came to this site many, many years ago after the breakup of the first real long, deep relationship I had. After a long time and many posts (and some new friends in real life made from here!!) I never got back with her, and it was for the best.

 

Fast forward years to last fall and I went through my second breakup of a real and deep relationship. This one was easier to handle, either because I had grown, or simply because practice makes perfect. So I didn't make most of the same bonehead mistakes I made after the first one. I did what you're supposed to. I reflected for weeks, found the things I wanted to be better at, and worked on that. Few months passed and we talked. Then that led to us talking in person. Which led to giving it another try. We've been together for 5 months now, and we're better. We both are different. Will it last? Who knows.

[sunshineray]

When I was at my lowest point in my breakup, I loved reading every single posts and it would make me feel 110% better! So here are a few stories that I have heard around me.

 

1) This is about my ex's cousin. His cousin was dating a girl since HS I believe. I am in touch with the girl and she helps me deal with my breakup. She told me that they broke up a total of 3 times. I think the two first times, they still stayed friends and talked to each others a little bit. The most recent and most "real" breakup was during college I believe. They did no contact for some time, she gave him space and time and did her thing, at least 6 months. They unfollowed each others on all social media too. Then, after they both graduated college, they bumped into each others and wanted to catch up from there, and now, they are back together 🙂 In total, they have been together for 12 years including the breakups! They are in their late 20s and are so happy! It sounded to me that it was mostly a case of the guy not being mature and sure of what he wanted!

 

2)This is about my friend and her ex. They are in college, and they started dating her sophomore year, when he was a senior. He did some bad things, so they broke up (the breakup coming more from the girl). They never did the No Contact, but she was about to end it for real with him, telling him never to talk to her again, but he said he missed her so now they are back together and they seemed to be happy and working things out.

 

3) My friend was dating this guy for almost 3 years I believe. He broke up with her and I guess she begged right after, but then she just moved on and stopped talking to him altogether. Then, 7 months, and later 1.5 years after the initial breakup, the guy wanted to get her back. He was harassing her and was even suicidal, but she just moved on. So not a very happy story, but the dumper still wanted to come back! She is now dating someone else, for about 2 years, and he is dating someone new too. I don't think they will ever get back together. (They were dating fairly young, like late teens-20)

 

4) This one is not a reconciliation but the dumper did want to come back. This was throughout all of their 20s I believe? So basically, this lady was dating this guy for 5 years, living together and everything. She even moved to the US from France when he found a new job in the US. She couldn't work in the US, so she would just hangout with my mom, and missed working and was a little bored. Then, I think that her ex told her they were going to move back to france, so she moved back before he did, waiting for him there with her cat. But then, he emailed her to breakup, saying that she could not manage her money well and what lead to the breakup was her weight gain (this guy is the worst). So of course, she was heartbroken because this guy was really bad to her. Then, I think a few months or a year or two later, the guy wanted to get back, but obviously she didn't. So now, she is married to someone else and they are so in love, and her ex has a kid with a woman he met after her, but I dont think they are married.

[Doosha]

Hey everyone, I need some hope!!

 

My bf and I broke up for the third time after 5years of dating. When we met we've both been through some tough life situations, and getting together (although it was suppose to be just a one night stand) made us both realize that we finally met our other half (in its truest meaning). We were not just romantic partners but best friends! We did LDR for almost 2 years, and then I finally moved to the country he lived at. We lived together for 3 years (and during these three years the breakups happened). The first two breakups - we were still living together. He was always not sure what he wants, fighting with depression, and i just felt neglected all the time. Our biggest issue was bad communication. In those three years, he came home after a longer trip and told me he realized I am a girl of his dreams, meant for him, and he will not allow his stupidity to make him lose me. After the second break up, our communication actually got much better and I thought everything was going good. He went back to his depression and it ended badly. This time he moved out. For the last 2 months we've been on and off "LC" and "NC" and finally yesterday I told him i love him and want family with him, and if he doesn't want it I cannot be his friend. 2 days of NC although I see him sometimes at the gym.

 

I am 30 and he is 27. I've read all the stories here and it seems like the reconciliations usually happen if the couple broke up when they were really young.

When we talked he seemed cold and distant, but even though I started a complete NC this time I still have this weird feeling that it's not the end and I still know we are meant to be together. I'm going to stick to NC this time, because it's not my first relationship or breakup and I know that whenever I broke up I've never had this feeling in my gut. But I've tried so many time, and I know both of us need to change in order to work. But this time he needs to be the one who will want to work things out.

 

I'm just scared that the longer I'm away he will think I don't want anything with him anymore, and he will move on. Please tell me what to do... I want to find my own happiness and become independent (as I was supper addicted to him) with him or without him, and I know I can't do that if I'm constantly hoping we will get back together (although I just know we will).

 

1. What do you do in NC period?

2. What are the chances of reconciliation when there is an age gap (he is younger)?

3. Did you always have this feeling in your gut that you belong together or did that go away (q for people who got back with their ex's)?

4. How do you keep positive hope but don't depend on it?

[Clayton1]

Hi Everyone, I had posted a year ago and was pretty heartbroken about a relationship ending ( I had ended it after being together for two years and tried to get the person back but she was having none of it).

Anyway, I wanted to come back and give an update because this website helped me get through some really tough times. First, I made the right call, and even though I was upset for a long time, it was my emotions talking, not my sane self. I was missing the idea of loving someone, but after several months passed ( around 8) I was able to get the person out of my "blood" so to speak. Last fall, I reconnected with a woman whom I had dated 9 years ago ( but had left when my ex-wife wanted to get back together), but we had always kept in touch over the years. We started seeing each other again, as friends first, but had always kept a torch for each other. Now in May she's moving in with me, and I've never been happier. People do come back into your life,,,,maybe not exactly the people you expect as I had written off us ever getting back together and maintained a friendship with her, with blossomed again into something more. Never give up hope. The world gives you what you need, just not always at the time you want it.

[Doosha]

Hey Clayton1! Thank you for the story! I am sooo glad you found your happiness!

Wish you all the best!

 

I blocked and ignored all of my ex's attempts to continue conversation - since I told him I can't be friends as I want future with him, and that we can talk if he changes his mind. But I keep bumping into him in weird places where I wouldn't never usually see him. Something "up there" is messing with my mind (not that I'm complaining I see him :)). I still have the strongest feeling of us getting back together for good, and I will not give up.

 

But I'm definitely working on myself this time. I lost weight, I toned up, I got a tan, I'm more outgoing, I'm starting a new hobby... I'm excited about my life!

 

*if your soul is telling you you are meant to be together don't give up, but do move on!

[snr]

Gosh can't believe I'm back here but I had flashbacks to how much time I spent on here this time last year and thought I'd share an update about what happened to me and my ex, aswell as an actual reconciliation of my ex.

 

So my story with my ex isn't a get back together story but it goes to show that whatever happens between people you can make things up. If you want the backstory of how/ why we broke up you can see some threads I started last year. Anyhow long story short together for nearly 2 years, broke up in December 2016 because he couldn't handle being in a relationship and this was after a few months of him mistreating me. He was desperately trying to get back into relationships only a couple of weeks after we broke up, turned out he'd become suicidally depressed and sleeping with anything with a pulse was the only way to keep him sane. I spent every single day pining desperately after him, wishing he'd get back in touch and realise I was the one for him. Several months after we break up we end up getting back in touch when I remembered I'd left some stuff as his. We ended up becoming best friends (and by that I mean I became his best friend and he treated me worse than he had done the last few weeks of our relationship), every single time we'd interact I'd be left in tears because he'd flaunt other women in my face despite knowing I still loved me, berated me, used me (we were FWB, I lent him money, gave him advise for his business and did loads of work for him despite having exams). Eventually after 3 months of this torture I snapped when behind the wheel (I was a new and super nervous driver without being reduced to tears) and what happened was one of the worst hours of my life as he assumed I was trying to kill myself and so after throwing me out the car, he proceeded to put me into multiple situations where I thought he was trying to kill me so by the time the police came I had him immediately arrested (something that would have absolutely destroyed every life plan he had if they'd so much have given him a caution) and both of us swore blind that we were done because neither of us could cope with the other. And we both meant it. The week after I'd sent him a letter saying that I realised why he'd done what he had but that he'd completely misjudged my actions and that I never for even a split second did anything out of malice but following that had realised that was it. In this time I actually let go of the idea that we could even be friends (I stupidly made a £100 bet with a friend that we wouldn't be friends this side of 30), let alone anything more and that he wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire.

 

Nearly 6 months after this happened, I had to email him as his last payment of the money I lent hadn't gone through (it was a weekend) and he replied and asked if I'd like to meet up to clear the air about what had happened. He came over thinking that I was going to scream at him for being a and I went into the conversation expecting likewise, instead we spent about 6 hours just talking through what had happened over the summer and understanding where the other had been coming from. He'd still been depressed and as he had when we were together was taking it out on me and wanted to make amends.

 

Anyhow that was nearly 4 months ago and we're now best friends with one another. It's starting to get a bit messy as I'm starting to develop feelings for him and I think he is for me too, however I know with absolute certainty he doesn't want me back. We talk every day without fail and the one time I went MIA for a day he started to panic. It's really strange because our relationship now is better than when we were together, I can call him out of he's being unreasonable and he'll apologise and immediately stop it, e's not afraid to call me out either and we don't argue any more and all the hard feelings we have have all but gone. We're literally each other's go to person now when we're having a bad day or have good news to share. He appreciates me now and takes the time to tell me how important I am on a regular basis and how much I've helped him. I'm sad that it's not going to become anything more and I was that I was over him well over a year post-breakup, but I'm so happy I at least got this after spending a year believing I was his biggest regret and meant nothing to him.

 

Now in the time between us breaking up and our summer friendship I had a short term relationship with a guy (2 months), who I eventually broke up with when I realised I didn't have any real feelings for him and was likely rebounding. Anyway a few months later, around the same time I become friends with my ex, he comes to me and tells me that he'd realised that he was still in love with his ex 3 years after breaking up with him. They broke up because he couldn't handle the level of commitment she was pushing for and they had regular arguments because she was a party animal and he was quite insecure. He basically spent 3 years constantly being in relationships, of which I was one of the longest so not very serious to try and avoid his feelings. He'd talked to his friends about it who had all told him it was a bad idea and I told him he should spend some time getting to become her friend again to see if he loved the person she'd evolved into in the time they were apart. Anyway they became friends for about a month or two before he finally asked her back. They've been together over 6 months now and she's moving in with him. He says in retrospect it was the best thing that happened, there was no way they could have made the relationship work as it was back then and by having time apart they naturally worked on the problems they had. So happy for them both.

[Doosha]

snr - glad it worked out, although you mentioned there are still feelings between two of you? Be careful of these kind of friendships, they can end in two ways - getting back together or one of you getting hurt again. Smells like reconciliation to me ;)

 

Update on my story - saw him again today and he texted me something I couldn't ignore. So, I've texted him back explaining again why I need him to not contact me. Hopefully, he'll respect it this time.

And I have a question - if you see your ex now and then (5 mins tops) and not purposefully, does this still counts as NC? Or if I am in NC, how should I behave in such situations? I just can't walk by or stand next to him and pretend he doesn't exist.

 

Thanks!

 

Oh, just remembered another story - it was about me and my previous ex.

So, we dated for 3 years, and towards the end I've got that gut feeling something was wrong. One day he told me he is not sure what he wants in his life and is being half-depressed (seems I attract the same type lol) and doesn't want to ruin my life as well. So we break up, I was devastated especially since he was my first serious boyfriend. We continued to hangout, even slept together few times but he didn't want to get back with me. So, I pack my stuff and leave for Greece for 3 months. Minimum contact. I come back, and meet him. I realized I still loved him and wanted to get back, but he tells me he doesn't deserve me and that he kissed another girl while we were still together. The end for me. I tell him he is dead to me, not to ever contact me again, and I block him everywhere.

 

He calls me for New YEars (few months after that) and starts saying things....Let's just say I was 100% sure he is going to propose. We agree to meet tomorrow, and when tomorrow came he never called me. I continue with my life hating him even more. A year passes, it's my birthday and I get a phone call from him. He said happy bday and was about to ask if I would like to meet him when I say thank you and hang up.

 

My friends couldn't believe what I did, cuz he was all I was talking about. But at the moment, I hated him so much for all the pain he caused, I couldn't even hear his voice. I spent another 2 years trying to forget him, and I finally did (met my current ex) and he never reached out again. Or at least not that I know of (was blocked completely everywhere).

Just saw on Facebook few days ago that he is married with a kid. Doesn't look really happy, but I hope he is.

[phil17]

Hi Everyone. I wanted to give everyone an update on my story because i own this community a bunch of gratitude for helping me out through dark times in my relationship. If you read my old posts, my situation happened years ago and today I've been married happily for a year.

 

I met someone new online a couple years ago who is amazing and wonderful. My ex who hasn't talked to me for 3+ years reached out recently wanting to catch up. We had a quick lunch (my wife knows my story and approved of this) and basically told me all the troubles she's had with her current BF and how she isn't sure if she wants to be with him etc. I wished her the best and told her about my update and we parted ways.

 

for those of you going through what I have here are some important pointers that helped me:

 

1) never say bad things about your ex. things happen for a reason and your life will work out. If we had a good relationship with them, you'll still want the best for them

2) try to enjoy every chapter of your life. After the initial sadness subsided (give yourself time to grief), I focused on my career, spending time with my parents, picked up guitar and taught kids sunday school at church. This allowed me to "improve" myself for the next "relationship" chapter whenever it happens

3) know and continue to believe you are worth it

 

Life is magical and great if we embrace the "good" and the "bad". it builds us and gives us the character we need to be better people, partners and parents one day. I wish all of you the best and thank those who had helped me in the past. I am confident you'll all share similar endings in the future :)

[Doosha]

Only one of my ex's tried to come back, after a year of no contact. But I at that time, I hated him so much for all the pain he caused I just hanged up. I changed alot since then, and so he did. Unfortunately, for the worse. I see he is married and has a kid now. I hope he is happy.

 

Other ex, i broke up, after 5 months of no contact became my best friend for life. Although, I still doubt there are some feelings on his side... and I'm not going to lie, sometimes when I think of my life I think we would be a great couple. But, I don't want to initiate it as it would feel I'm settling and it's not fair to him. It's been over 5 years since we broke up.

 

Is getting back together possible, if he is currently fighting depression and told me we are not compatible although there is love? We were best friends, but lost ourselves in our relationship. Everyday was same... I'm now doing NC to get better, stronger, happier and find myself again. But he is not doing so good... seems like things are going worse by day for him since we broke up. :( It's hard not being there for him when he is going through all of that, but for 5 years I was always there for him, and towards the end I got nothing but lies in return.

 

I think I've learned how to move on, but still keep hope (and not be depended on it).

 

We need more stories people.. :)

[YY2K]

Hi guys,

 

I am new here. I am glad that I found this forum.

I also have a reconciliation story I want to share about my co worker.

But before that, I want to share my own situation.

 

Together with my ex for 5 years. I was his first. I am a bit older and had dated several guys prior to him. I also started dating when I was 14 -_-. So I do have more experience than him. I am also a guy btw. I have been broken up several times, a bit jaded but still can love.

So before I started dating him, I told him that he has to be careful with my heart coz I have been hurt so many damn times. The thing is that after these bad experiences I had, I started developing OCD. Long story short, the OCD made me unable to see him physically. We are neighbors. But there were a period of time in which I was unable to see him for up to 6 months! Even though I talked to him every nights on facebook and cam until 3 am, it was not enough for him. But my anxiety was so severe due to OCD that THAT was the only thing I could give him. I was also unable to let him come to my apartment due to the OCD. (Eff you, OCD). My therapist told me that I was using OCD as a self-defense mechanism to not letting him getting too close to me due to my fear of being hurt.

He broke up with me Sept 2017 and I realized how idiotic I was. He told me that it was not the end as he has to work on himself. So instead of giving him the space he deserved, I pursued him and kept reminding him I waited for him. We were both hurt. As the result, we became toxic to each other. He also started getting involved with drugs and excessive drinking. The climax was when he decided he wanted to go to couple counseling for us. But anytime he was around me, he was always anxious. (He also has anxiety problems FYI). That really hurts me. The person that I trust the most have an "allergic reaction" while he was around me. So anyway we decided that we could not be friends. He told me that he loves me very much but he buries his feelings deep inside so that he can heal and function normally.

I love him so much as I was about to propose to him before he broke up with me. But anyway I want him to be happy again so I have been doing the NC for 10 days. I told him that one day once we both fix ourselves, I would love him to give me another chance - a clean slate chance. Even though now he says he is tired giving me chances.

I have not opened instagram and facebook because I know whatever things he posted there could potentially hurt me. It has been 5 days since I could move from my bed. (I graduated from grad school last December so still jobless). I don't know how I can move on but at some point I have to start picking up myself. The only time I got out off my bed when I retrieved my food from GrubHub.

[YY2K]

Now the reconciliation story.

The girl I worked with was together with a guy for 5 years. Since high school. But they were on and off.

The climax was when we were co workers. She moved into his place. She has a huge shoe collections so it took her forever to do that. Three months later, apparently they broke up again and she and her kids (her shoes) moved out again.

I did not know they broke up actually until I met her one time at the mall with another guy (rebound) and she introduced him as her bf.

Long story short, 6-9 months later, she moved back in to her ex's house. As up for today, April 2018, they have been living happily ever after with 2 kids.

[YY2K]

 

Update on my story - saw him again today and he texted me something I couldn't ignore. So, I've texted him back explaining again why I need him to not contact me. Hopefully, he'll respect it this time.

And I have a question - if you see your ex now and then (5 mins tops) and not purposefully, does this still counts as NC? Or if I am in NC, how should I behave in such situations? I just can't walk by or stand next to him and pretend he doesn't exist.

Thanks!

 

Doosha - it is still NC. Sometimes we will inevitably stumble upon our exes. The key is to keep the communication as short as possible. And while doing that, you need to show them that you move on. (Even we all know that deep inside we are crumbled).

Show them that you are confident and radiant. Fake it!

Remember the purpose of NC also is to fix yourself so when one day you want to pursue them again, you are a better person. Your ex would see you as a new improved person of your old selves.

[Doosha]

Thank you YY2K. I'm not a person who can fake anything, but I am definitely doing much better than 2 months ago. I did some growing, but there is much more to accomplish. I'm just sorry his life is such a mess. Hope he will get through it.

 

Back on topic - just remembered my very good friend's story. She dated this guy first two years of college, and then they broke up due to bunch of fighting plus the guy got scared of commitment. Anyhows, she takes it really harsh. I will not go into details, but they were 10 months NC - he even told her it's over for good and she can move on. After 10 month, out of no where he contacts her and wants to get back together. She actually broke up with him after few months because she realized they got back together too soon, and no one changed. They are NC again, and it's hard for her, but she is really focusing on becoming her best self.

i hope he is, too.

And that they will eventually end up together again.

[YY2K]

Doosha - That's exactly what NC is. Focus on yourself and be the better you. Work out, buy new clothes, etc. And when you ex gets to see the new you, he/she will be impressed and hopefully re-thinking his/her decision. I know at the beginning we all do it for our exes, but as times go by, we will do it for ourselves. If you are going back to your ex before you "transform" yourself, another breakup might be in the horizon.

 

Going back to the topic.

I would say that all my exes always came back to me at the end.

 

First ex: He was very abusive. Even physically. He cheated on me yadda yadda yadda. Anyway I moved on and went to another state for college. When I went back home to FL for a break and after I was over him, I was actually intrigued and wanted to know how he was doing. So I actually went to his house and left a note on his door with my number. He called me soon after and said that after he broke up with me, he actually realized what he did. Since he did not have my number at that time, he tried to go to a place where I used to work. But at that time, I was in another state already.

 

Second ex: He was also a cheater. Soon later, I found out that when we were together, he also slept with multiple people. Both guys and girls. (I am a guy btw). Anyway, 5 - 6 months after I was through with him, one day when I was driving home, the driver in the other car beside mine tried to get my attention. And there he was. So I parked my car and he apologized for what he did. He scribbled his phone number on a piece of paper. I think I never called him after that.

 

Third ex: He was married to a woman. Of course I did not know. When I found out, it was very easy for me to hate him. I was feeling so bad for his wife and 2 daughters. Like seriously? I also saw his wife. So I moved on fast. I had not been invested emotionally which was good. Three months later when I was long boarding on the beach, I saw him. He also saw me and stupid me awkwardly waved at him. (Like !!!) He then approached me and said that he divorced his wife. He also said that now he is single and can go out with me. And suddenly all the pain that I had had from my previous relationships including his came up. Coupled with the fact that I was pissed that he hurted his ex-wife, I slapped him (like a little girl LOL). I then proceeded leaving him confused.

 

Fourth ex: This is the only one I did not do NC with. And the first one who did not cheat on me. (I learned from my lesson). We have been on each other's lives - on the phone. I was in college and he was 10 years older. He told me that we were at different place in life. I did not understand what that meant at that time. Being 23 and all that. He also said that the chance of me and him getting back together is slimmer than me getting hit by a lightning. Fast forward 10 years later (2017), we ended up living in the same city. We met again for the first time to chill. I am so over him. But now we are at the same place in lives as he realizes. We are both professionals, and I have years of work experiences under my belt. He tried to pursue me when we hung out that day. But I was totally over him.

 

Fifth ex: LDR. He did not want to move down south so I ended up moving to NY. He broke up with me. And 3 months later, he started contacting me. Asking me about what car he had to buy (I understand cars and engines) and showing me pictures of him getting better physically. I did not know what his intention was but he initiated the contact.

 

So I am hoping that my last ex will contact me as well. And at that time, I will show him the new and improved me. As I feel that he is the one. It might be a wishful thinking but that's the only think I can do to be able to survive. For now.

[Sbp325]

I love these stories. They do make me feel a bit better. For me, it’s been about 5 months since we broke up, but my ex deeply hates me for some reason. I did try talking to him yesterday after 1 month NC and he blew up on me, said he didn’t want to associate with me or speak to me, and asked me to leave him alone. Do you think this hatred will last? Considering we haven’t spoken in a month, I’m confused as to why he hates me?? I will admit i was a bit clingy afyer the breakup but i thought time and space would heal that.

 

What id like to ask is if there are any situations like mine that have gotten back together? Are there any messy horrible breakups that result in one person hating the other that get back together one day, months or even years down the line? We are very young right now and each other’s first loves.