Getting back together really does happen!

[Burning wind]

Here is my story, I'll be brief.. We were together for about 2 years, great relationship, great sex, barley fought , I was his first serious relationship. Toward end he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore, he wanted to break up with me to see what life was like without me. I told him I don't play that game. You leave don't come back. Well we ended up getting back together briefly for few months. Then broke up because he was up to his old tricks, going out drinking and partying, I walked away. We Made attempts at reconciliation again after that but I canceled out on him. He told me he changed ect and he regretted everything he did ect. I didn't Believe him and went into NC. A month after I started nc, he met someone new, they moved in together got engaged in less than three months., then married. We haven't talked in two years but I have thought of him every single day since we broke up. We saw each other out one night and ended up texting each other. That has progressed and we text often and sometimes he tells me things like I was the best in bed he ever had, and if the world was perfect I would be there now, and he text me few times a week. Says things about how he would dream of me but then said don't pay attention to that I was drinking . He is very friendly and receptive to talking with me and its like we almost never stopped talking. It feels effort less and truth is I have always loved him and wanted him back. Maybe I should have believed him when he said he changed and that being single wasn't what he thought it was going to be when he left me. I regret doing nc as he thought I hated him all that time. And now he is married. And I think we still have feelings for each other. I know I love him.. .now what?

[Cope and Hope]

Now you accept you made a mistake in not trying again and move on. He's married. Stop it.

[serenity93]

This is my first post ever and I just want to say these stories have been amazing with helping me cope with what just recently happened to me. I agree with everyone who says that moving on and bettering yourself is crucial if you want to reconcile with someone and that having a little hope isn't something bad. I'm now trying to work on moving on with my life and also doing NC although it will be hard later on because I have a lot of mutual friends with the guy I was with. I think I might share my story because I'll never know what will happen, and maybe a few years down the track I can come back with my own reconciliation story. I'm not saying that it'll happen for sure, but if it doesn't happen, I know for one I won't be upset about.

 

I'm a couple of days short of being 19 hence why I say I don't know what will happen in future. Anyway, I met this guy at university through a mutual friend, I didn't really think much of him other than I thought he was attractive. Move forward 2 or so weeks, we began talking through a uni group on Facebook and I decided to add him. From then on we talked pretty much everyday, we had a lot in common. I loved talking to him and he was generally just a really great guy. Eventually we decided to go to the bar at my uni with a group of mutual friends, I drank a little too much and ended up confessing to him and he confessed to me as well. He had mentioned to me that he was afraid of getting into a relationship because his first girlfriend cheated on him and his second girlfriend left him for another guy and both situations left him pretty traumatised I assume. I completely understood and said I would wait, which I know was a big mistake on my part because in the end I ended up getting hurt. So from then on we decided we'd take things slow, just casually dating, not putting a label on the relationship etc. A month in he tells me he has strong feelings for me and really wanted to see where things go because he saw that I was one of a kind etc. He started inviting me to go on weekend getaways and overnight stays that I couldn't attend because my parents are quite strict. Anyway, I was pretty content with how things were going and they were going fine for about another month until he started to become distant and whatnot. By this point, I was already head over heels for him, I truly saw him as someone I would want to spend my life with. I noticed immediately that things were changing and we mutually decided to talk about 'us'.

 

So he pretty much tells me that at this point he wasn't ready for something serious. He mentioned that he knew that if we were to officially start dating that it would be for the long run and that he'd probably end up proposing to me sometime along the years. But it just wasn't something he wanted now as he was still afraid of full on commitment and it was really just bad timing. He wanted to experience being young and date other people, grass may be greener on the other side etc. He mentioned he still wants me in his life but I can't be friends with someone I fell in love with. I actually felt like a bit of a doormat and I probably am but I did state what I wanted but I didn't try to convince him to try with me. I let him go because I saw his reasons as reasonable. After thinking about it now, it was probably for the best that things ended the way they did, he was being considerate about my feelings and not wanting to hurt me were something to occur in the relationship because he was too afraid to commit.

 

Anyway, as I said, I'm doing NC but I'm not doing it with the intention of him waking up, realising he wants me etc It's better for my emotional and physical healing for things to be that way. I'm going to use this time I have to better myself as a woman, create myself, date other people and experience new things. I'm still young so I think there's plenty of opportunity out there for me. It's just a little sad that I can't be with him now as I feel that my intuition is telling me that he's the one for me. Even if we don't end up being together in the future, I know I will be content with just being his friend down the track. I'm working into trying to get into the mindset that it won't happen but as many of you stated, it doesn't hurt to have a little hope right?

[thebigman]

Now nothing. By the looks of things you made the right choice. Wanted to see what life was like without you then when you went no contact he was engaged 3 months later. Now you have got talking again he wants you back. So much for fighting for what you love. You couldve been the woman married to him while he emotionally cheats on you because he "doesnt know what he wants". To me he sounds like he always wants what he hasnt got. What a keeper.....

[thebigman]

ok so i have two new stories that i have found out about over the last two days.

 

the first is pretty short. a good friend of mine and her bf broke up two years ago, she moved on and got a new bf a year later. a week ago her and her new bf broke up due to compatibility reasons. yesterday her ex from two years ago text saying that he heard a song on the radio and it reminded him of her and asking how she was.due to the harshness and circumstances of their break up she quickly replied telling him to leave her alone and not to contact her again. not a get back together story but shows that exes dont forget you.they had been no contact since they broke up.

 

story two. the new bf from the first story started hanging around with my group of friends obviously due to him being in a relationship with one of my friends. his best friend and i got pretty pally as he and i where both a year into break ups that, quite frankly, destroyed us. so we had a lot in common. anyway he started seeing a new girl who seemed like they were perfect for each other. according to him he was completely over his original ex. fast forward to now and he and his recent ex have broken up, again due to incompatibility. i found out from him yesterday that he has been spending a lot of time with his original ex with the hope that they will get back together again. its early days but it looks positive.he said he wouldve never thought he would be in this position again.

 

so thats two break ups, both of two years that have reached out/made steps to reconcile. so anyone who is saying three months into a break up that its over for good, let time do its things.it really can work miracles.

[Burning wind]

Now nothing. By the looks of things you made the right choice. Wanted to see what life was like without you then when you went no contact he was engaged 3 months later. Now you have got talking again he wants you back. So much for fighting for what you love. You couldve been the woman married to him while he emotionally cheats on you because he "doesnt know what he wants". To me he sounds like he always wants what he hasnt got. What a keeper.....

 

I don't know if he wants me back, he didn't say that. But he text me once or twice a week, sometimes less. Maybe he is just being friendly

[thebigman]

being friendly with an ex does not include the need to tell them that "you were the best in bed he ever had, and if the world was perfect you would be there now".

Aside from that, would you be happy if you were married to him and he text his ex twice a week? i have some good friends that i dont talk to that often......probably because i dont want to bang them....

[Amandacast57]

any help? I was with my guy for 5 months. We were brought together by friends after we both basically thought we wouldn't find anyone else. Things moved quickly. We were talking about living together and babies and marriage...probably sooner than we should. He always told me how he liked so much about me and that he didn't want to start over with anyone else and he really liked dating me. He made plans for the future for us and talked about how he was excited about upcoming events. We had even planned on taking a trip to Europe in March. He is in school and has been busy and it has been hard but I never felt like our love for each other or attraction decreased. Everything was fine and then yesterday told me that he didn't love me (in almost a way that he was trying to convince himself), he didn't have time, he was disappointing me and letting me down.

 

Everyone tells me they think he is confused because he is 31 and all his friends are getting married and having kids and hes sitting here still trying to get his college degree. I felt more passion and love with him than I did with boyfriends I dated for years. Is it likely that he will come around?

[teddy123]

Sorry, but this is a getting back together forum, please put your personal issues on a different section of this forum.

[maron]

Story 1: one of my best friends got into a relationship with a guy after a major break up. she and new guy broke up when she found out that he was cheating on her with an ex of his, the one who messed him up a lot. from a conversation after they broke up, she was avoiding him and the friendship between the guy and one of her siblings seemed to be also done because of the break up. months later, i spoke with her again and she said they're trying to be friends and she'd like to just focus on the friendship instead of the past. i knew she wanted him back but she said she wasn't focusing on that either. they were definitely jealous of each other: a guy pays attention to her, he gets jealous and when girls flirt with him, she gets jealous too. i remember her saying they've gotta figure out how to keep each other in their lives without that nonsense. i've no idea they managed to do this, but i got a text from her a month or 2 ago and she said that they were going to try again. here's hoping it works out for them.

 

Story 2: a co-worker (let's call her Dee) has been with her husband for over 20 years. on our way back from lunch one day, i learned that they also broke up too, and that break up was about 6 months. Dee said it felt like forever. a different co-worker, "Kat," who was with us was very empathetic with her response to Dee's story (something like "oh god, yeah, i bet that felt like foreeeever. yeah, yeah.") it sounds like there's a story with Kat there, too.

[lajones83]

Doc Blaze how long were ya'll together? And did either of you see other people during that six months?

[Amandacast57]

A friend of mine (but we aren't GOOD friend) so i'm not sure of the details. But her boyfriend broke up with her. He wasn't very nice to her and I guess just didn't want to be with him anymore. She moved on, did her thing. I think about 7 months later he wanted her back. They are engaged to be married now.

 

Another friend of mine started dating this guy who was in the process of a divorce. Things moved pretty quickly for them, talking about marriage, kids, etc. About 5 months or so into it, he became distant and acted like he really didn't have any time for her. He pretty much ended it but she was who said the actual words because he really left her no choice. He would call her every now and then and she would tell him not to call because she needed to get over him. Now they are taking things slow. He told her that if she had not been so cold towards him, he would not have realized his mistake.

 

Another friend of mine was dating this awful guy. He treated her like CRAP and basically it was a mutual decision that it needed to end. He was so cold to her. Well she moved on and about 3 months later he contacted her telling her how much of a mistake he had made. She gave it another chance but she couldn't let go of the awful things he did.

[AskingQuestions]

I don't know if I'll be adding to these success stories or not down the line, but a quick summary of my situation is this: I was dating this wonderful man for 2 years. Our relationship was long distance and after the 2 years I had a mix of feelings of not being able to do it anymore, and feeling like my feelings were now those of a friend than those of a lover. It ended at the start of October, but we have kept in contact and are chatting well like we always did. After spending some time chatting to people here, I think what happened is that I moved from the honeymoon phase into the next stage of a relationship. Since this was my first serious relationship I thought it was me losing interest. In reality, I still love him and I know he loves me too.

 

So who knows? I'm still going to give it a little more time to be sure of my feelings, but if we still love each other after some time and want to try again I'll be back here to let you know. Fingers crossed it will be a success story

[dumPI]

I really like your post. Because it shows that often times when dumpers have no "real" reason to dump someone everything lies inside them. However not so many people take the time to look inside themselves and develop a more mature way to see relationships. Most likely you went from honeymoon to next stage and thought "things are not the same" as obviously they can't be the same after a long time with someone.

Had you had someone new coming to your life, you'd start becoming interested in him trying to see if that grass was greener. It might be, it might not. But I think now is the time when you are becoming fully aware that feelings come & go and it's not wise to always act on them.

 

Being said that, I can see why breaking up is always the thing to do. Really there is no other option as being in a relationship while half-hearted is quite hard to fake. But instead of jumping onto someone new, taking the time to dig inside oneself seems a more profitable way to achieve better results in the long run.

 

I wish you the best for both of you.

[thebigman]

This sounds like my situation with my ex nearly to the word. Long distance relationship, first serious relationship, same amount of time together. Only difference being that she hasnt realised that this is what happens as relationships mature, you get comfortable and things become different. Though she has admitted several times since we split that she still loves me, she wont take the jump to try again. Such a shame she didnt have a good old chat with the people here as you have. Things couldve been so different lol.

[Burning wind]

I got another text for my married ex asking me "how's the dating scene?" Very odd of him to ask me that...

[eastonweston]

I've been so completely wrapped up in the situation with my current ex, that I've forgotten the story of my first ex.

 

Her and I dated for 2 years at a young age. I broke up with her, but after a week of thinking on it, realized that was not what I wanted. I went to get her back. She wasn't having any of it. So for the next 3 months or so, I begged, pleaded, showed up at work, etc. to get her back. Then I slowly backed off. Then we went to separate universities. About 1.5 years after the initial break (and probably 6 months since going NC [mind you, I didn't know what NC was, I just had to give up and start enjoying my college years]), she started 'poking' me on Facebook (this was back in 2005). That led to Facebook messages, then AIM chats, and eventually us hanging out when we went back to our hometown for Holidays.

 

The point is, I could have gotten her back if I wanted to. I still loved her. Hell, I think I *still* love her. But it just wasn't the same. The clarity that I had at that point, made me realize that this girl left me, ignored me for 6 months, and that I don't think I could really trust her anymore. Plus, I had realized that there REALLY is a ton of fish in the sea, and I finally saw her through non-rose tinted glasses.

 

Summary: she came back 1.5 years after breakup, 6 mos. NC.

 

E.

[thebigman]

This seems to be a very common factor after a break up, when you stop making the effort and fighting for them thats when they try to come back. Even my situation with my ex shows these signs, when i leave her alone is when she starts making the effort. Though not being well rehearsed in the workings of reconciliation i always made the mistake of pushing to get back together at the first sign of interest from her, which ultimately leads to her fleeing like a deer after hearing a gunshot. Its almost like a tug of war, the more you move towards them the more slack they have to get further away. when you finally start pulling in the opposite direction they have no choice but to start following you. The key seems to be knowing when they have moved far enough that they are catching up to you without being pulled. Just my two cents.

[eastonweston]

I think that's spot on. When they break up with you, they've made the decision to get away from you, and they probably made that decision many months prior to actually breaking up. So chasing them is going to do absolutely no good. I've realized that the biggest mistake we all make is in trying to "fix" the current relationship. You can't. The only way to get them back is to let them and the relationship go, and hope to start over 12 mos. + down the road. Time has a way of washing away negative feelings, resentment, etc. How many times have you been in a big fight with someone, and then after some time you've forgotten what the fight was about.

 

There just really aren't any 'tricks' to getting an ex back. There just aren't. You accept their decision, let them know calmly that you wish it wasn't so, and then try to piece together your life again. Expect that in 18 months they will contact you randomly one day, and at that point you'll have so many positive changes in your life that they'll be curious about and impressed by. You then take it from there, of course with luck on your side that you're both single. That's it. That's the only hope any of us have.

[eagle1]

does that train of thought work even if they have someone new?

[Burning wind]

does that train of thought work even if they have someone new?

 

No idea lol though, my ex text me now almost twice a week after almost no contact for a year and half. He ran off met someone new a month after we stopped talking. Within the year he got married. Now we text every week, hours at a time, and he asks me how the dating scene is. No idea what his intent is

[sixdegrees]

Just found out today that one of my HS friends is back with her ex after 7 years apart. I don't remember the reasons why they broke up, but she dated many guys during their time apart. Three months ago, they got back together. They looked really happy tonight It gives me hope seeing that it actually happens.

[thebigman]

does that train of thought work even if they have someone new?

 

 

Depends entirely on how compatible your relationship with them was in the first place. If you were highly compatible, then yes, it can work wonders. While your letting them do their own thing with their new significant other, you are no longer making mistakes, meanwhile the new guy/girl in their life will be being compared to you. even if they dont realise they are doing it. If they are not as compatible as you two were then as the new person makes mistakes you will start to be remembered fondly and as eastonweston said "Time has a way of washing away negative feelings", leaving the positives in their mind and they will wonder about you. I was taking to a good friend just yesterday who has started talking to his ex again after 2 years being broken up. She cheated on him and left him for the other guy. She told him a few days ago that she has always loved him (my friend), that they are far better together and the the grass wasnt greener (the words every dumpee WISHES that they could hear). He on the other hand is not sure if he even wants to be with her now and he was literally suicidal over this girl.

So short answer to your question after this ramble that has fell out of my mind - yes, it can work, sometimes even better.

[Redtide]

It's been 2 months since I posted in this part of the forums (read my past posts if you want.. way too much to explain here) but I just wanted to say that H and I are going strong. He's still seeing his therapist about his addiction and continues to tell me how sorry he was to hurt me the month of our breakup. Relationships can get back together...

[missthedays]

It doesn't hurt to be optimistic, but being hopeful can certainly hold you back. My ex and I were tied at the hip as friends for many years before we dated. When we finally did it was like a nuclear blast, but we were then put into a situation that steadily tore us apart for a year. In my mind I feel like I can pinpoint exactly where we went wrong, but she wouldn't hear any of it. She selfishly strung me a long for several months, leaving me feeling betrayed and abandoned. We haven't spoken for a month now (NC initiated by me), and frankly I don't expect her to reach out to me any time soon. I don't even think she cares. I'm slowly healing, but I'm optimistic that one day we will reconcile. Whether or not we date again, that's another story. I feel that if you keep telling yourself "We WILL be together again" you're only prolonging your healing. I guess one of my flames of optimism comes from a mutual friend of ours who feels that I was the best thing to ever happen to her. It certainly helps take the self-blame away, but in the end I really can't be hopeful.