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I'm a cynic at the best of times, and I'm no longer pining for my ex and I'm ready for the chance to explore something new.   However I'm always miffed by posters who seemingly rain on the parade of

My ex-fiancée broke up with me 14 years ago (see my first posts on ENA). 14 years later she contacted me, we are back together and getting married this coming October.

That said...I've gotten back together with an ex "successfully" before.   I was in love with this guy, we had been dating for a short amount of time but it was very intense and real. I broke up with

Ok so lets see if I can do this without deleting what I type this time...

 

Background:

 

My ex and I started dating about 6 years ago. We met online through Everquest, and had known each other off and on through the game for a year or two. She was 19 and 1/2 at the time and I was 26. She lived in Cali and I lived in Utah. We spent the first year of the relationship long distance before she moved out here to go to school. For the first 6 months of living here she lived in the dorms before we moved in together. We then spent the next 4 years living together with the last 2 of which we had become engaged.

 

The Problems (shortened up):

 

Soon after she moved here one of my best friends at the time didn't have anyone else to hang out with so he hung out with us a lot. I had gotten out of a long relationship (6 years) where my ex had cheated on me a bunch. Well at first I didn't have any issues or jealousy and was totally fine, and even encouraged my girlfriend and my friend to hang out when I wasn't around because I figured neither one of them had anyone else and this would help her meet new friends. Long story short my best friend fell in love with her and tried everything he could do to try and steal her. She had none of it, but it put a serious strain on our relationship. He was no longer my friend from that point on and I didn't really see him for a few years until our other best friend moved back into town and by association we started running into each other again.

 

The next few years went great for the most part, it took me about a year to get past the jealousy thing, but up til that point it did cause some arguments. So over the course of the next few years I became stuck in my routine between work and school. I didn't realize it at the time but the stress was really getting to me and causing me to become less focused on anything other than my routine. That isn't an excuse just an explanation.

 

During this time we would argue about every 3 - 6 months, and it would last a day or so. To me I grew up with that kind of stuff having lots of siblings and friends that we would get into it with so it wasn't that big of a deal. You argue / fight. Work it out and move on. For her it was different. She is an only child and says that her parents never argued once in her life so to her it was a huge deal to argue. She came to feel like we would always repeat the cycle of a large argument every few months and it started to really get to her.

 

To go along with that I stopped showing her as much physical attention as I used to in the beginning. I stopped doing a lot of the little things that you do often in the beginning. I told her I loved her daily multiple times a day and I meant it which for me was showing her I loved her. For her though she is the type that needs to be shown and so she began to feel like I wasn't attracted to her anymore. She began to feel on some level that I didn't love her anymore.

 

You see I learned since the breakup many things, but chief among them is that nothing, absolutely nothing, happens out of the blue and that if your partner doesn't hear it then it doesn't count as you having said it. So while I was telling her I loved her she wasn't "hearing" it. We both failed in the communication aspect of relationships. Both learning to truly hear what your partner is feeling and saying, and to be able to truly communicate in a way your partner can hear YOU.

 

So last spring we had a huge fight and it was at the point where she said we need help. We need counseling. I am a very very normal person and figured that I didn't really need counseling given that we're both smart we should simply be able to tell the other person what is bothering us and stop doing it. If only it was that simple... You see we aren't taught the skills needed to be able to make a relationship last as we grow up. We aren't taught the communication skills needed. I agreed to go to a single session, but due to a schedule conflict from the counselor we never ended up going. We spent the summer having what I thought was a great time and things were happy or so it seemed.

 

Then at the end of August one morning a simple comment turned into her getting defensive and snapping a word or 2 at me which caused me to snap back at her. Nothing big, just something like "I don't need your attitude right now." So we go do our separate errands that day and I'm home doing homework while she's out. She comes back later that evening and walks in and simply says "I'm done. I don't want to try anymore."

 

I of course panic, and try and talk to her but she had none of it. So we breakup. I spent the next few weeks trying to work things out and talk to her but she had her mind made up. I had begun counseling and realized that I wasn't doing it for her but was doing it for me. I was going weekly for the first few months and I began to learn things. I spent many nights reading Al Turtle, reading here, and evaluating my relationship and other ones. I decided the things I no longer wanted to do in my life when it came to relationships and I changed them.

 

It was, and always will be, a constant mindset to keep up with those changes but I haven't slacked off. Sure I take some steps back but I worked really hard for months on making those changes stick and I haven't stopped yet and I won't ever stop. That is very important.

 

Since she and I also work together it made my life pretty difficult. I was still in love with her, but I became able to take that love I felt, accept it for what it was, and put it away. I accepted the breakup. I accepted her reasons behind it. I accepted being alone. I began to become Okay with being alone and started enjoying my life again.

 

During this time, I would say about a month or so after the breakup, I went strict no contact even at work. She would say hi or something to me at work and I would just walk away and go back to what I was doing. This went on for about 3-4 months.

 

Then about 2 weeks before Christmas vacation, where we were going on our own vacations, our work decided to do a potluck dinner. There was a moment of choosing what to bring that caused she and I to have to talk. I tried to be nice and stuff but she was really pissed at me for ignoring her for months. She snapped at me and asked if I liked that kind of communication, and couldn't we at least be civil at work? I thought about it that night and responded the next day after realizing that indeed I did feel better when I was talking to her. That I didn't have the knots in my stomach when I saw her if I was trying to be friendly. So I said "Hi" and smiled at her. The next day I said a few more words. The next day even more. This carried on so on and so forth for the next 2 weeks. To the point that the final day we were at work before leaving on vacation we hung out in my cubicle chit chatting for a few hours.

 

She had mentioned she wanted to get my girls something for Christmas but didn't know if it was okay. I told her if she wanted to get them something then that meant it was okay by me. So for the first time that evening we started texting outside of work. Only about the girls gifts but it was a start.

 

So while on vacation the texting continued and started growing in the same way that the work conversations and interactions had grown. To the point that we were texting all day long most days, and she was initiating about 1/3 to 1/2 of it. During this time I was snowboarding a lot, something I had always wanted to do over the years but had never gotten off my ass to start doing it (hi hi stuck in routine remember??) and 2 years ago I had bought her all new gear but it sat in the closet all that time. This was a big issue with her, that she felt like we never did things like that and she wanted to learn. I grew up in the mountains and had done that stuff all my life, while she was a San Diego girl and never had but wanted to start doing things like that and camping and hiking. She felt like we never did anything.

 

So I was sending pictures of snowboarding and stuff, you know a little teasing etc, and told her I'd take her one day if she wanted. So Christmas day comes and I get a message "You've given me a lot to think about this week...." and I reply nonchalant "Thinking is good but not while driving the canyons on I-70!" ( I was trying not to kill me and my sister while driving and texting). Things carried on like this for the whole vacation, where she was even saying goodnight every day, and started rarely using a couple of old nicnames.

 

So I came home earlier than she did and things kept going on like they had been. Much texting back and forth. Up until she came home. Then the communication outside of work died for a while. But at work, the first day back together was a little awkward, but after that things picked up where they had left off before we had left. The interaction started growing again at work, and the communication outside of work started picking back up.

 

So a week passes and I mention snowboarding and my offer to take her (she hesitates and doesn't want to do anything together alone outside of work) and I pick up on all that, and shrug it off. You see I had taken months to heal. I used that time to truly, TRULY, let go and accept things. I changed myself and my outlook on life back to what it used to be when I was happiest but with some needed improvements. So it really didn't bug me at all if she ever took me up on my offer. I had moved on. Because you see you CAN move on and grow up while still being in love. Love doesn't have to be a two way street. You simply have to accept that you love someone and that is the end of it. You don't have to act on it or do anything about it. I loved her but didn't need her. I loved her but didn't expect anything from her because of it.

 

So a day passes and she tells me about 2 for 1 night skiing ( I already know all about it ) but I'm like sure we can do that. She agrees and then right away asks "Do you think we're moving too fast?! Being alone together?" I said no, because there are no expectations. I assumed, probably rightfully so, that she was only asking as a "I only want to be friends" sort of way.

 

So we go riding and it was awesome. We both had a blast and right away she says she wants to go again. I tell her sure, we can go next week if you want and she did want to. I get home and start posting the pictures (I've been doing that to keep track of all my snowboarding adventures this year) on Facebook. I notice on my wall a status post of hers which really puzzles me because we're not friends, and haven't been in months so I shouldn't see her stuff... I realized that it's because all my friends are posting on it which is why its there. It reads " * * * * love. * * * * relationships. All I ever do is hurt people". I was finding this truly odd thing to post but figured it had something to do with the person she was dating or whatever. I shrug it off because really who cares? It wasn't any of my business and I go to bed without another thought to it.

 

So a day passes and I get a message from her about a basketball game with 2 tickets on sale, I say sure sounds great. Then I get the email with the coupon offer in it and misunderstand thinking she was simply offering me the coupon but hadn't offered that WE go together. It was late and I didn't talk to her about it until the next morning by which time the coupon had expired. I come to find out she had wanted us to go together but it was too late now. Oh well I figured maybe next time.

 

So the next week at work things pick up and we start getting coffee together. I start telling her I'm going to lunch do you want to go? And vice versa. Basically we start hanging out a lot at work just us two. The communication outside of work has really picked up. That weekend is a birthday party for a friend of ours. She is more friends with the girl than I was and so it was no surprise that my ex got the invite and I didn't because the girl didn't know if we could be okay being at the same party together. That night came and I was going with my other friends to that party but they stopped responding for about 4 hours so I figure "Eh maybe I'll just kick it at home tonight no biggy" and she asks me what I'm doing. I say I don't know yet, and she says "Lets go do something, is there a Jazz game on?" I said yes but it's nearly over. She mentions the party and I said maybe. She said lets go. I'll meet you there. I said sure, and I ended up hooking up with my friends and catching a ride right after that call. So we are there and she doesn't know many of the people, and I do but so she hangs out with those she does which includes me. The night passes and its pretty fun, a little awkward around each other but not too bad. She starts getting really tired, and doesn't know anyone now and wants to go home, but I can't bail because I came with other people. She ends up staying on her own to hang out long past where she was comfortable, which I thought was very nice of her and I did notice.

 

So we are chatting on text over the rest of that weekend and the conversation tries to turn a little serious on its own. I tell her I would prefer not to talk about it because when we do it will change things and we'll basically go our separate ways. I knew from the beginning once I realized I still loved her that I would never be okay with just friends. That at some point I would want to walk away. For now I was enjoying what I was doing, and figured that life would work itself out on its own anyways so why rush it by talking about stuff?? She agreed.

 

So we go riding later that week and have another great time. After we get done on the slopes again somehow the conversation started getting a little more serious and she hinted at "Friends" thing and I told her look "If you really want to do this we can, and I'll say what I have to say but then we're going our separate ways" She was like "No!! Okay lets not talk about it!" So it dropped and we went back to having a great time and laughing.

 

So the next weekend comes and I'm trying to pull back from her some just because. She pushes forward a little to fill the gap. So I say to her "What are we doing tonight?" She says "Umm...we..?? I'm making dinner for my roomate.." I said "Shrug was just a thought. talk to ya later~" and left it at that and went happily about the rest of my day. Later on I get a message from her which at first looks ominous...

 

"So umm..." (never a good sign) "Ive made an executive decision. No more being nervous. When are you free tonight??" I told her I was free later after dropping the girls off and I'd let her know. So I did and right away she says meet me at this bar, so I do. We end up talking and playing Go Fish! at the bar for hours. The conversation actually turned serious and we kind of let it.

 

All this time there is a "Giant pink rhino" as she calls it in the room. Well it wasn't talked about at the bar but was afterwards. Come to find out that she's got feelings for me but that she's ungodly scared of being hurt. I told her sure thats understandable and you know I would think I'm scared of that same thing. So we agreed to take things very slowly and let Life take its course.

 

And that's where we stand. We are taking things very slowly, we're hanging out and dating again. Will it work? Beats me. Does it matter? Nope not in the least. You see that is the beauty of growing up. You come to accept things for what they are and instead of trying to change them or worry about them all the time you simply enjoy them for what they are. I enjoy the fact that I love her for what it is, but I don't need to do anything about it. I don't have to think about it. I don't worry about whether or not it will work out. Of course I would be sad if it didn't work out, but you can be sad and still be okay. Acceptance and no expectations are a beautiful thing. They free you up to enjoy your life.

 

Whew... So I left a bunch of details out but that is the summary basically.

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Does anyone have any successful stories similar to my break up? My bf and I dated at 16 for 5 1/2 great years. He's in the Army and we're long distance and I think a part of him growing apart from me was cuz of the Army and his busy life now =(. But I know he still loves me and cares about me...he was crying really hard breaking up with me. But yeah...he's deploying this year.

 

I want to know if anyone has had stories about first loves breaking up due to "change in feelings" and later get together months or years down the road??

 

@Seth, I hope everything turns out wonderful for you either way...with happiness

Edited by michelle21689
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Seth,

I have a question for you. What this the first breakup you had with your gf?

 

It was. There was a period last spring, the big fight I mentioned where she stayed at some friends house for a few days and when we were at dinner talking about things the words "Breakup" came up and I said "Fine" and walked out and 2 minutes later (by the time I got to my car) I appologized and said that wasn't what i had meant so I guess you could count those 3 minutes as the first breakup.

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It was. There was a period last spring, the big fight I mentioned where she stayed at some friends house for a few days and when we were at dinner talking about things the words "Breakup" came up and I said "Fine" and walked out and 2 minutes later (by the time I got to my car) I appologized and said that wasn't what i had meant so I guess you could count those 3 minutes as the first breakup.

 

wish you all the best Seth

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Thanks Seth i am soon 6 months next week and just cant figure out anymore - part of me just wants to outright ask him if there is any hope we can ever getback together but everyone says its the worst thing to do - good luck and thanks so much for sharing in such detail andgoing through the effort of telling us.

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Hey guys Meant to get back and update you all as I remember always wanting to know the full story back in my early days here but I've been up the walls in college etc so sorry for the delay!

Background really was we were together for nearly two years and broke up on the 13th of July 2009; two months after we got engaged. We had been having problems with communication for pretty much our whole relationship and my boyfriend is a good bit younger than me so he was somewhat on the immature side when dealing with emotions so we never managed to sort it out. He straight away fell into an absolutely disastrous relationship that kept breaking up and getting back together but went on for the one and a half years we've been apart. On the 16th of January 2011 I found a missed call from him and he came over, told me that he had always wished things had worked out differently and wanted to try again at some point if I did. Two days later we got back together I had seen him maybe four times in that year and a half.

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