Rethinking the Walk Away Wife Syndrome

[Lester]

Hi Real, I'm gald you are happy. You should pray that you're ex finds the same. The ramifications on your children will be limitless.

[Real Deal]

I know. I think she is coming around though. While the intial shock and pain was harder on me I think that it hit her later on. For what it is worth the last few weeks we seem to be on good terms and I am grateful for that. I never want to see anyone suffer and want nothing more than the best for her.

[Lester]

My wife was a walk away. I changed and she walked right back.

 

Looking back…I was a dreadful husband.

 

But what if… she treated me the way I treated her?

1. My bros would take off work to drive me to the attorney.

2. They would throw a huge gala on the day of the divorce.

3. They would proudly introduce me to all the single ladies they know.

4. I would be thought of as a saint.

 

 

Double standard.

 

What should I be called if I refuse my wife’s correction and love?

 

Walk away creator? Wac?

[nctc]

This is my situation from the husband's point of view. My wife has done her grieving already--I am dying from pain. In my case there is ADHD, discovered only as an adult. I am certain I could have been a better husband and that I CAN be a better husband. I cannot imagine hardening my heart against someone but I am trying not to judge. Am I a fool to have some hope? WE have three young kids. Isn't this about her happiness alone and if so doesn't that make her selfish not to try? I missed all the cues--many men say this. But partly we miss cues because...we are men? Here I am rationalizing. I just love my wife and weep at the thought that things are hopeless.

[Lester]

Of course there is hope! Do not resign yourself to this. I didn’t and saved my marriage.

 

Buy Gary Smalley’s “if only he knew” today. Don’t let her see it.

 

My main reason for my being here is to save marriages. Read my old posts. (Click my name.)

 

Traveling now... what's the rest of your story?

[Lester]

Because wasted time is the biggest factor in failed marriage saves... I will waste none waiting for you.

 

You and you’re wife have a unique marriage but there are still underlying similarities I can point out without even knowing your story.

 

First must knows:

- You must want to save your marriage. If you are unsure, you will be pulled in never ending, different directions. (Many times, by persons of good intent.)

 

- Wasting time with blame game, the “you go first” game, and the over analyzing game will destroy any chance you have at saving your marriage.

 

- You can only change you. Trying to change her will be viewed as weakness and push further into the arms of her hidden hero. (Sorry, most likely already happening. Don’t panic or ask her.)

 

- Your wife is a special, unique human being. Understanding what’s under the label “walk away” is okay. Labeling her a WA is way to simple and a cop-out.

 

- Everything you do to save your marriage is done in secret. Never let your wife see this forum or books. Don’t teach her anything. She not your kid.

 

First Aid:

Today, be gentle. Listen to what she says but try not to respond. (Unless it’s to say sorry.)

 

PS, How would you talk to/treat one of your kids who is in a cancer ward fighting for his/her life. That’s a good place to start with how to treat your wife. Be understanding of the pain she is in.

[Lester]

Also, (Sorry if I'm way off... traveling and won't be able to respond much.)

 

You mention adhd... If you want to stay married never mention it or any other problem you have to her again. Like it or not its weakness. Wives love it when their husbands are silently strong.

 

No, she doesn't feel sorry for you! (Nobody else does either.)

 

PS, Weak husbands don’t stay husbands.

[Ms Darcy]

Lester, I am glad things have worked out for you.

[CatchersRye]

Also, (Sorry if I'm way off... traveling and won't be able to respond much.)

 

You mention adhd... If you want to stay married never mention it or any other problem you have to her again. Like it or not its weakness. Wives love it when their husbands are silently strong.

 

No, she doesn't feel sorry for you! (Nobody else does either.)

 

PS, Weak husbands don’t stay husbands.

 

I disagree with this post. It takes a strong person to face issues that they have. Whether it's ADHD, cancer, or some personal issues from the past. Communication is necessary.

 

Now using ADHD as an excuse not to resolve things with your wife (if you want to be with her) is different. A good relationship depends on both parties expressing what they need and what they can do without.

 

If she's in pain, listen and talk to her about your thoughts. Try to understand her point of view, but don't act like someone you are not by hiding your own difficulties. I believe it's better to show what you are going through to be with her, than to act like nothing is affecting you.

[Lester]

Hi Catcher, Communication is the key to maintaining a healthily loving marriage. It makes the wife feel important to be included in his and life’s most pressing issues.

 

This is not the case in a failing marriage.

 

There are many specific reasons for a wife wanting to leave her compatable husband. They can be lumped together in one generalization:

His unloving ways have caused her so much pain that she has lost all respect for him.

 

Anything he says during this period that reminds her of old offenses will entice anger. This anger almost always manifests itself in the arms of a hidden “understanding man.”

 

This is the final killer of many savable marriages.

 

If a husband is to have any hope saving his marriage he must change the way he talks/listens to his wife.