I'm new here, can you help me get through this?

[dmhoff]

Hello everyone,

I just stumbled upon this site about an hour ago. I did the 'search' like the first post of this site stated "No contact after a breakup" and this is where it brought me.

That post was so helpful to me!

Today is the first day of 'no contact' for me. I'm relieved, yet I'm hurting beyond words! I'm relieved because I finally did it...though, in the past I've 'finally done it' many times

I met this man online nearly 5 years ago now. We met on a recovery site. I enjoyed my wine a little too much back then, and had been drinking when I met him. I quit drinking, but in turn, became addicted to him (as I see now). Ours was more of an emotional relationship than anything else. We've been together 5 or 6 times over these years (no intercourse ever took place), but it's mostly daily conversations over the phone (a phone number I pay for so he doesn't have to pay to call me!! How sick is that???)

This man has many problems, but I've overlooked them to 'love him unconditionally'. When I first met him, or now, nearly 5 years later, if I said 'I don't want to do this anymore', he'd say "OK" and he'd move on. It's always been ME that has hung on to the bottom of the rope he carried.

I've always known that in order to have a 'program' I need to be honest with myself and others. I always just swept this 'relationship' under the rug so it could continue, and I could do my program. My sponsor always knew, and she'd just give me this 'look' that went down my spine as I knew it was wrong, I just couldn't let go!

I've heard in movies and real life where someone says "It's wrong, we can't do it" and they move on. I respect the heck out of those people! I guess I'm just so weak that I can't do that! Just the thought of 'never' seeing him, or talking to him kills me! You see, I know I drank to fill a hole inside me. In 1996, my husband (shoot, I wasn't going to admit that because it's SOOOO bad of me!!) myself, and our two kids were in a car accident. Our kids were killed. Our son was almost 10, and our daughter was 6. A few months before the accident, I'm almost positive that my husband had an affair. It may have been brief, but I had 'evidence' that he did (though he denies it to this day!). Anyway, I was lost because of that, and then months later my kids were killed..I was stay at home mom.

Anyway, I had always drank, but as the years went by, I began drinking daily beginning at 4pm. We went on to have three more kids, who I love dearly, but I was done having kids after I lost my first two. I was 32 at the time of the accident.

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress a few years ago. I think the drinking got bad because of my loss, and then when I quit drinking, I latched on to this man to 'fill my hole'.

You see, this man, if any woman got to know him for say, a week, they would never in their right mind want a relationship with him! Everything is always about him. ALWAYS. On the night before the anniversary of my kids death (anniversary is Jan. 29th 1996) I told him how 'tomorrow is the dreaded day', in which he spoke very consoling words to me. But then the day of the anniversary, he didn't mention it one time! He didn't care! He never cares! And the sick part about it is, he's always said he doesn't need anyone in his life. He was 'invisible' all through childhood and basically began feeling emotionally detatched from everyone then. So, like I said, me going no contact wouldn't harm him in the least.

But oh how I hurt! I just want to go to bed and stay there! It's clearly not as bad as loosing my kids, but it's a 'never see you again as long as I live' loss, and I'm hurting tremendously! I have been praying to God for the strength to get me through 'just today' as my program tells me, but please, if this post makes any sense to anyone out there, can you please help me get through this???

Thank you for your time in reading such a long post!

Dana

[chaosa]

I can't convey how sorry I am about your losses. I have a daughter myself who I live for and get choked up at the thought of losing her.

 

As for this man, just take it one day at a time. Keep yourself busy. Start a journal and every time you are missing him too much to handle, start writing. Write about why it's not good to have this man in your life and why you are strong enough to move on. Take up some new hobbies, spend time with your kids and friends. Don't dwell on it or you'll go crazy. Good luck with everything and hugs for your loss.

[NightLily]

First off, I would like to say that I am moved by your terrible loss and I'm so sorry anybody ever has to go through such a tragic event as that.

 

I too became emotionally addicted to a man who didn't care about me at all (or maybe yours does). The difference was that he eventually gave me very good reason to realize I had to get my ass out of there. He made me feel like I could be a stand up person again as he was so "confident" (read arrogant) himself. After being hospitalized for mental illness I guess that was the hole he filled for me.

 

The hardest thing is making that first step, which you have already done. I threw myself into working out as a way of saying like "up yours"/ "I will overcome this." That did help me get past those first few weeks. I think if you do something to break your routine it is less noticeable what you are missing.

 

You will get through this because you have more strength than probably a whole room of some people combined.

[Qut81]

I am really moved by your story and there arent words to express how sorry I am about your loss. Like another poster said, I would suggest to keep a journal. It not only helps you express your emotional pain, but when you feel that urge to call, you can look back and remember the reasons not too. I know you can get thru this. This site helps me bc I see other people are experiencing the same things. I am sure it will help you too.

[dmhoff]

I'm not sure if I clicked on the right button to reply here but thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!

I sort of started a journal, but I can't write in it every time I need to because I have to write it online as I don't want my husband to read it. I had started an email folder labeled 'get rid of him' last year or so, so I do have those to read, but I haven't yet. You know, my 'sickness' is so 'sick' that I have that phone number I pay for, forwarded to my cell phone so I can answer him anywhere I am. Well, I became strong as I first came to this site, and deactivated the call forwarding so I wouldn't be tempted to answer his call (because I would no way be able to not answer it when he called). Well, in order to read the replies to my post here, I have to go to the same mailbox where I would see if he left a voicemail or not. Luckily, he had not left a message! BUT, on the Vonage site, I saw that he had called three times today. So, during a weak moment, I activated the call forwarding again. Well, he hadn't called by 3:10 today (he always calls before he leaves work), so I got brave again and deactivated the call forwarding again. Well, at 3:33 (ten minutes ago) I checked my vonage phone to see if he called and he DIDN'T! Now I just want to cry!! See! All I have to do is not answer the phone a few times and 'poof!' he's fine with it! I could just throw up! But then again I feel like such a flippen weak woman for behaving this way! What might happen yet, is he'll write me an email as his 'closure'. He's done those before, where he says "You did the right thing. You are so much more healthier than me, you don't need me dragging your recovery down." The same old thing! If anything, I just wish he wouldn't write! Heck, listen to me! I'm crying because he didn't CALL when I thought he would...thinking that I didn't answer HIM, but now I don't want him to write??

Gosh! Can you all take this hurt away from me?? Why does one get addicted like this? Especially over someone who is totally not very eye-catching, in the face or his weight! Plus he's so into only HIM! Holy cow! I just don't know how I got this addicted to this man, other than like I said before, filling in the hole my kids left in me. I know that's a big possibility, but it still hurts beyond words!

Please keep me in your prayers!

Thank you,

Dana

[NightLily]

I think part of the reason it is easy to get addicted is because you had to chase after him a little. So it gave you something to work at like a goal. Helped get your mind off of your past because you were looking forward to the future.

 

As for.. why him. Seems to me that sometimes the heart just doesn't discriminate. As a nurturing woman, after your loss, you needed somewhere to channel your love and care. You probably also felt like you could help him.

 

I'm glad you are staying strong. Just one little baby step at a time.

[chaosa]

Just curious, you mention your husband here, are you still living in the same house and or seperated?

[dmhoff]

I'm shamed to say, yes, we are still married and living in the same house. I love him, and he's terrific to me, always! Oh heck, I'm terrible and we all know that, it's wrong yesterday, today, and tomorrow! If I wasn't drinking as much as I was back then, I'd have NEVER done such a thing! I was devastated when my husband had his 'whatever it was' many years ago, so I know how it hurts and how wrong it is, that's why I've been trying for almost as long as I've been talking to this man, to end my corresponding with him.

I'm a 'good' wife, and mother, but yet I'm an awful wife as well. I'm prepared to take any kind of back lashing anyone would like to give me, Lord knows I deserve it! I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I know I brought it all on myself.

It's still a painful situation that I need to get through. Just like when I drank, this situation has it's more painful times than others. Between 9am and 3:30pm are the worst, along with 7pm-9pm.

For those of you that have been hurt by women like me, I'm truly sorry! My friend's wife knew we were friends, but she didn't want it to go on anymore, so that was the beginning of 'this' ending. As I told my AA sponsor, God is doing for me, what I could not do for myself.

To those I offended, I'm sorry!

Dana

[chaosa]

Don't apologize. You don't post on this website to worry about other people judgements, you are here for advice. I know you are going through a rough patch, and I have a similar situation. I can't give you any advice really besides what I already have. Good luck in getting over this man and take care of yourself.