Do they just simply fall out of love?

[princess5]

Just a question for all you guys.. in your experience does the dumper just leave simply because they fall out of love with you? Is it as simple and straighforward as this? Or could there be other genuine reasons?

 

Would just love to know because I'm going crazy asking myself this, even though my ex swore he still loves me but the more time goes by I'm starting to believe he was just saying this to soften the blow.....

[InRecovery]

I really don't know to be honest.

 

I wonder if you can fall out of love with someone, if you ever truly loved them enough in the 1st place ... unless its a really destructive relationship.

 

I often think about how suddenly my ex went from talking about marriage to me one day, and then two days later not wanting to be with me ... and wonder what was/ is going through her head.

 

Its best to just change your thought patterns when this comes, because you'll never get an answer that makes sense to you.

[endgame]

Maybe they fell out of love a long time ago, just that you didn't know it or they didn't know how to break it to you.

 

Or maybe it could have just been another feeling which they confused with not being in love with you.

 

It's hard to say for sure since it probably varies from case to case.

It's best not to dwell on it since really, who knows?

[Dragunov-21]

It can happen, and it's a terrible thing when it does...

 

Unfortunately, sometimes people hit the comfortable stage of their relationship and think it's over, instead of working t spice things up, you know?

[aglaia]

i remember when I broke up with my first boyfriend after five whole years together, it was because I didn't see a future for us. I enjoyed his company, we did all the couply things, i said all the usual 'i love yous' but try as I might, I just didn't see him in my future... so I broke it off and I felt very bad and guilty that for five years I had just sort of led him on.

 

eventually, about a year later, he found himself someone who truly loved him and now they are set to be married.

 

sometimes it really is because the other person didn't love you enough... in that case you're really much better off moving on and finding someone else who will love you as much as you love them.

[OrangeMoon]

Its funny...almost a year ago i asked the exact same question..

 

Its hurting to see that there are so many people out there experiencing the same thing.

 

On looking back..i can honestly tell you,

 

That..they dont 'lose' it just like that. They either thought they were in love, but kept feeling 'there was something missing" or they actually never felt it in the first place..but wanted it so much..said the words trying to convince themselves..

 

Words are a dangerous thing.. the words "i love you" can often be just an expression of the excitement, desire and passion you feel for a person. Not many people know what it means to truly love someone. It takes having been through profound heartbreak and growth to come to a point where you realize that the feelings that you have for a person..are truly "love" and not infatuation, lust, loneliness, etc

 

There are many people out there who mix things up because they desire something in their life. The moment they feel excited about a person...believe that they are in love.

So the words come, the promises come, even the actions..

 

And then time passes and they come in a phase within the relationship where they don't feel that same kind of passion anymore as in the beginning..

 

Love is not just a feeling it is a choice..a choice to want to commit and see yourself grow in a relationship that offers you contentment and room to flourish. And because it is also about choice...its about timing too. They weren't ready to make the choice..they werent ready to let go of the "honeymoon feeling". You were not the one to take that extra step with..

 

Once they realize this ( which can take days, weeks or months..) then its over..."just like that".

 

So what seems to be an act that came out of the blue, usually is something that has been thought about over and over again.. He/she just did not share this with you ( in case they decided to change their mind)..

 

And that is always the hard part. Sometimes they will give you signs that they are unhappy, but can pull them back with loving actions/words..leaving you with mixed signals. That is the external evidence of the ambivalence going on in their hearts.

 

A man or woman that truly loves you..will show this in every way..he or she will know when to communicate and will not just give up and leave you hanging with questions like these.

 

Because the ones that will leave you hanging, probably don't have the answer in the first place...

 

So let it go...no matter what the answer was..rest assured..it was not about you..it was about them

 

Heal, recover, grow, do your thing to get back on track. Because next time you will meet someone who is truly ready for you...

[princess5]

I got dumped 7 months ago, reason for same being that he didnt want to look back when he was 30 and say I regret I didnt experience being with other girls (he just turned 22). I say if he loved me he wouldnt want to experience other girls, i would have been enough for him, regardless of his age... right?!

[MinziGirl]

It can happen, and it's a terrible thing when it does...

 

Unfortunately, sometimes people hit the comfortable stage of their relationship and think it's over, instead of working t spice things up, you know?

 

I am following this thread & would be happy if someone will reply this with some good insights for me.

 

Maybe it is just me & not my boyfriend but i am also in a similar situation like this. Then i get paranoid thinking that he is cheating me. Maybe he isn't cheating me. Then i get paranoid that he fell out of love. He said to me many times during this week that he loves me.

 

Then why is it that i feel like he is not so close to me anymore? Like yesterday, i sent an sms saying that i was at the hairdresser & have a new color now on my hair. Then i went shopping & bought some nice clothes for myself... there was no reply to that sms. That night, i decided not to go online but instead do my own stuff. This morning, i was online & he left a message saying he spent the evening cooking a meal for himself & it was the 1st time during the week that he cooked something for himself. Then he said that he is thinking of me & will soon dream of me.

 

Ok... i am normally a very rational person. Then why am i being now so paranoid? I am sick of this paranoid feeling & am seeking tips now from this forum to get rid of it?

 

Thanks....

[MinziGirl]

I got dumped 7 months ago, reason for same being that he didnt want to look back when he was 30 and say I regret I didnt experience being with other girls (he just turned 22). I say if he loved me he wouldnt want to experience other girls, i would have been enough for him, regardless of his age... right?!

 

Would the question be then: Why are people just not contented with ONE special person??? Why must they want, 2... or 3... or more????

[endgame]

I feel like if someone REALLY was in love with somebody, he/she wouldn't feel like he would need to look elsewhere. So I guess it's not love if you decide on a 2nd or 3rd person. Why need that if you love someone and he/she should be enough and what you want/need?

 

Haha. I've long given up on the whole reason why my ex fell out of love with me.

I think this question is bound to make one's brain explode if thought about too much. We can keep guessing as to the many scenanrios of how that happened, but only that one person will know the answer.....the person who fell out of love with you.

[OrangeMoon]

Would the question be then: Why are people just not contented with ONE special person??? Why must they want, 2... or 3... or more????

 

@Princess: in my honest opinion..22 is quite young to have a fully committed relationship. If he feels he is not ready to do this ( regardless of age) ..believe him. Yes..it is also true that even though 22 or 20 or 19whatever is young..some people know what they want right of the batt..and other simply do not. Respect that he was honest with you about him still having to go through his "grass is greener"-phase. Rest assured..he will get fed up with that and at one point choose to go with 1 person. HE WILL..(the ones who won't, usually wont even bother telling you there eye is on someone else)

 

@ Minzi: As long as they have not learned to love unconditionally they will not be ready for just one person..because they will keep searching for miss/mr perfect. There are tons of men and women out there willing, ready and able to commit..all the way. The question you should ask YOURSELF..are YOU ready to see them? Because you might get what you were looking for in a whole different package than you have dreamed of..

 

Once you are ready yourself to love unconditionally..there is a world of people out there..ready for you ( just think about that one..)

[MinziGirl]

Your worrds have truth in it. If a person is not ready to commit, he is not ready to commit. IN my relationship, i don't want to take it further than what it is. I leave it to him to take it further with me. As far as i know, men get cold feet at once if their girlfriend begins to talk about marriage or even having kids. Then they are here one day & disappeared the next. Don't know why they do this. Maybe it is because they are indeed cowards to anything that seems to chain them down???

[OrangeMoon]

Why are you so insecure and distrustful all of a sudden?...that what is going on inside of you might ultimately break the relationship. If he said'he loved"you a few times this week..might be that he is feeling that he needed to reassure you. But that can ultimately be draining to him..

 

So figure out where your feelings come from and deal with them. You are still with him..so you have all the possibilities of making this work.

 

Is he coming too close? Are you feeling ambivalent? Do you feel he is not that into you and why? Are these your own needy feelings?...Why do you need that constant reassuring and even if he is doing that..why dont you believe him?

 

Ask them and deal with it..

 

Jealousy, insecurity and neediness are major killers..just ask anyone on these forums

[MinziGirl]

 

Is he coming too close? Are you feeling ambivalent? Do you feel he is not that into you and why? Are these your own needy feelings?...Why do you need that constant reassuring and even if he is doing that..why dont you believe him?

 

Ask them and deal with it..

 

Jealousy, insecurity and neediness are major killers..just ask anyone on these forums

 

To answer your questions:

 

I am not jealous. In fact, i feel calm talking to you all about this. I know how it is like when i was jealous. & I even said that i am sick of this paranoid feeling of mine. That means that it is possible that the fault lies only with me.

 

Guess you are also matured about teh themes of relationship & love. When the relationship is predictable, sometimes the men cool off or else wants to look for some excitement... and his girlfriend becomes someone more like an ordinary person in his life...

 

What would you do then?

[OrangeMoon]

Your worrds have truth in it. If a person is not ready to commit, he is not ready to commit. IN my relationship, i don't want to take it further than what it is. I leave it to him to take it further with me. As far as i know, men get cold feet at once if their girlfriend begins to talk about marriage or even having kids. Then they are here one day & disappeared the next. Don't know why they do this. Maybe it is because they are indeed cowards to anything that seems to chain them down???

 

 

Nope..men are just like women. We alle want the same things..really we do.

 

Its just about TIMING. Dont hide what it is you desire in live. I dont believe in doing that..but when you start of with someone..you dont stress on that constantly. When you feel you have the patience in letting things grow..you ease into that part. But always be clear about what your desires are for the future.

 

And when you dont have the patience..you look for someone who shows he/she is on the same page as you..that simple and that difficult.

 

Every choice comes with its own set of pro's and cons

 

 

In my opinion..having a child and getting married is easy. But having 2 individuals sustaining a happy marriage where you as people can grow and your children can flourish is far more important.

 

I would rather take my time in discovering if he would be up for everything i have to offer. So if he fleas within 3 months or a year...let them go. No matter how much it hurts..let them go.

 

And your partner does not set the pace..you do this together. Both of you need to be invested in the relationship. Why bother otherwise?

If you dont feel this is happening...you have to be strong enough to set them and yourself free also...or..take your time waiting for them to change (if you feel you have that time)

 

For all the people that i have observed and have separated after 3, 6, 10 years or more.. I can honestly say..that it usually came down to something that already existed in the 1st year...

[OrangeMoon]

To answer your questions:

 

I am not jealous. In fact, i feel calm talking to you all about this. I know how it is like when i was jealous. & I even said that i am sick of this paranoid feeling of mine. That means that it is possible that the fault lies only with me.

 

Guess you are also matured about teh themes of relationship & love. When the relationship is predictable, sometimes the men cool off or else wants to look for some excitement... and his girlfriend becomes someone more like an ordinary person in his life...

 

What would you do then?

 

I did not mean to say that you were jealous..just stated it in general as one of the major breakers.

 

To answer your last question: You know something. That is a difficult question, becomes it comes from a place of an imbalanced relationship. When you look at your guy..you feel all the love and desire for him..even when he is stinky and lazy on the couch..you could think to yourself "God..he is so cute and he is mine".

 

You have that...because YOU are ready..You have made a choice. A person who says he is, but still feels uneasy at the thought of having to spend the rest of his/her life with you..just is not. Doesnt mean that they dont have feelings for you or would even be hurting letting you go. It means they cant look trough the same glasses.

 

Those glasses come with experience..some are blessed (or cursed) with it right away. And for others it takes some real comparing..or just time/age or maybe even a break up from the one they thought they weren't ready for..

 

Everyone in a stable, happy relationship knows that you will never have a constant hanging on the chandeliers. You will have slumps..sometimes he will initiate more, sometimes she..and sometimes you are just on the same page having great fun in bed and out. But in the end it is the companionship, desire, honesty, trust and love you feel for one another that keeps you going. You dont take each other for granted, but when you feel like being lazy a little it is not immediately a dealbreaker. As long as you keep communicating.

 

The moment when you start to overcompensate...that is when it is getting dangerous. You are not the saviour of a relationship. Your partner is too. Do what you need to do, when you feel it is your time to carry the rels a bit. But it has to feel good while doing. Not because it feels like the necessity before the fall of the rels. Because then you just really need to talk and get things out in the open.

 

So does it feel right doing your part for a while or are you hanging on a tread?

 

PS there are a lot of men who love it getting to that non stressed predictable phase..they love knowing who they are with and having found that attachment. A LOT ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT.The ones who need that constant rush..constant honeymoon..will get dissapointed when a relationship evolves. For a rels to evolve it needs calmer waters...

[COtuner]

Just a question for all you guys.. in your experience does the dumper just leave simply because they fall out of love with you? Is it as simple and straighforward as this? Or could there be other genuine reasons?

 

Would just love to know because I'm going crazy asking myself this, even though my ex swore he still loves me but the more time goes by I'm starting to believe he was just saying this to soften the blow.....

 

 

It does happen. It's happened to me, it's happened to a guy I was dating for a couple years too. It has been happening to me in my current relationship and I will admit I'm fibbing about it because I can't tell if it's gone for good or if it's due to our breakup last summer and not seeing each other hardly at all since we "got back together"

 

There are hundreds of reasons people break up, some have nothing to do with love but rather circumstances, incompatability, timing, etc

[princess5]

So it is possible that my 22 year old ex could just want to see what else is out there rather than simply just falling out of love with me? Find it hard to believe!

 

Even if he did come back to me in the future, dont think I could ever feel the same way about him again, always knowing that he dumped me to have a look and see how much greener the grass is on the other side!!

[nauum]

Go to the grass is greener post-really good

[princess5]

Does anyone feel sometimes that they'll never find anyone who makes you feel like they did?? I've been on some horrible dates recently, all of which have ended up on a sour note. I'm now 25 and I'm just so tired of having to go out and look for someone new. Sometimes I feel like its jist not worth it.

[canali]

Aglaia post # 5 Bad girl!...ouch 5 years leading your dude around?! ...sheesh and to think that I was devastated at my ex gal of 2 yrs when just recently in a letter she said that she never loved me nor was attracted to me but was with me cause I'm a nice guy who treated her well and also that she was lonely on her own...and she "is so sorry"...now after 5 months her new dude has asked her to marry him "so life is good". Geez thanks....kick my balls again why don't you lol...but there was more to it I know as I wasn't so happy in the end either...but still I feel via better communication we had a shot of resolving built up and unresolved tensions and issues...but she wasn't a great communicatorp..so maybe all for the best what happened. QUOTe =aglaia;3250778]i remember when I broke up with my first boyfriend after five whole years together, it was because I didn't see a future for us. I enjoyed his company, we did all the couply things, i said all the usual 'i love yous' but try as I might, I just didn't see him in my future... so I broke it off and I felt very bad and guilty that for five years I had just sort of led him on.

 

eventually, about a year later, he found himself someone who truly loved him and now they are set to be married.

 

sometimes it really is because the other person didn't love you enough... in that case you're really much better off moving on and finding someone else who will love you as much as you love them.

[sobelizard76]

That..they dont 'lose' it just like that. They either thought they were in love, but kept feeling 'there was something missing" or they actually never felt it in the first place..but wanted it so much..said the words trying to convince themselves..

 

In my experience (as the dumper), I'd agree most with this statement. The dumper may have had love (the kind you have a for a friend) and cared deeply but was also feeling that the person they were with was not fullfilling what they believe "real love" is suppose to be. Maybe at the time they said the things they did they were feeling happy and in the moment. For example, I went apartment shopping with my boyfriend and was enthusiastic about the idea and spoke of decorating it in "our" style etc. but that was only in the moment... later I was angry and not thinking about those happy times, but what it would REALLY be like.... and feeling that a future like that was not what I wanted...

 

I'm not defending the dumper, im just saying that that's what has happened in my experience, and to this day am confused about why I can feel so good some days with a person and so bad another day, and feeling that there is at least a 50% chance of inding a more stable happy relationship out there than staying in one where there is 100% chance I'll have these crazy mixed feelings....

[FriendnorFoe]

its not so much love, people can still love one another after being broken up for a long period of time, it is usually that they dont know how to word it and that is, a loss of attraction, not love. Attraction is very crucial to maintain after you have gotten past your first year of head over heals lovey dovey. most of the time people, especially women, do not know the reasons for a loss of attraction, but it is more so psychological factors than anything, too much or a lack of, respect, commitment, intimacy, or just plain being or not being around

[canali]

Some very astute comments here have added insight into my own breakup 6 months ago (seen my 'ouch' thread for my exes actual 'I never loved youi' letters if interested)....my ex also said she wanted our gig to work because we got along and I was a nice guy/ a great companion/who treated her really well and we engaged in a lot of shared activities together ie the arts sports books etc ...but that also we were too different (IMO our differences complimented one another ...anyway)....and that since she is passive aggressive she was never direct enough with me despite trying to push me away during certain times over the past 2 years ...and yeah she gave also lots of mixed signals....the day we broke up she tearfully said that while she loved me she 'didn't love me completely' then 5 months later in her letter to me last month now (in 'ouch' thread) that had changed to 'never loved me at all' ....I told her that love can't be so fickle as to be based solely on feeling because our feelings change as per being happy one day and the moody the next day but instead its a choice a conscious effort ...guess her loneliness and confusion did cover up her true feelings....tis all moot now anyway...but it does make me a bit more skeptical the next time a woman will tell me she 'loves me'...oh really?...like is that real or is it just for now... or what?...can anyone relate?..my skepticism aside I am trying to take a more 'be more present' situated mindset to relating going forward ie life is full of change and what we have yesterday doesn't always mean or guarantee it will exist in the same way for today let alone for tomorrow ...and since tomorrow is not yet real all that truly exists is what is here right now....my own mix of mindfulness echkhart tolle and Buddhism...nothing cynical just more realistic that's all.

[damagedbloke]

in my experience yes.

 

and then they treat that as a crime and lash out mercilessly at you in an emotional holocaust that leaves you honestly wondering what you did to the world.

 

And Canali yes mate I get you. I'm a romantic at heart and she's ruined the dream for me. Exactly how you said it mate... your a skepic next time round, and for me that's kinda killed the whole point.

 

You worried too or is it just me, the next time a woman looks into your eyes and whispers those words as the town sleeps below, will that same rush be there? will time stand still again? will her words ringing in your ears power you to run 2 miles in the storm to meet her from work? Would you die for her in a hostage situation? At present I'd only pause to nick her watch before legging it away to safety, and that's scaring me.

Have they killed our dreams man? Are we condemned to never feel that pure, ignorant, arrogant love again? I'm scared she's soured me. I don't want to stop believing man.