coolgirl Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I dont get it. Why, am I the one that is suppose to be blamed on why my marriage falled apart ? Towards the end of my marriage with my ex husband he was the one with all the problems I just started to feeling more better and feeling more secure. I was taking care of all the responsibilty and still i'm the one getting the shaft as to I ruined what I had. Its not about the blame thing its about why I have to take his problems as well i'm the bad one he's the good one. What I want to do is talk to my ex husband and tell him to sit down to have a talk with his folks and my folks stating that he's the one responsible for why our marriage falled apart. I'm not the problem. I know i'm not. My anxity and panic attacks had alot to do with on my marriage falling apart the stress and the pressue of it all has had 90% chance that effected on what i went through. And still I get the shaft for everything that happened. This isn't fair. He's getting away with it while I'm the one dealing with my ex's crap. Sorry I didnt know were to post this. But any advice would do. I think my ex husband needs to sit down and give an explanation towards everything and stop blameing me for everything. Everyone in my family thinks i'm the one with problems when I'm not. Link to comment
peechka Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 We need some background in order to help. You say that he blames you for the marriage going south, but why? What happened? How did it happen? We need more backstory in order to try and help. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Blame and complain are dysfunctional attempts (by the ego) to rationalize the events in our life that we find unacceptable. They are used in order to divert attention from the responsibility for our present life situation. It is someone else's fault. In this way, maladaptively, our egos can come out unscathered. Blame and complain are useless tools that accomplish nothing but creating a more dysfunctional view of our situation through non-accpetance of what is right now. What is the difference if your ex and his family believe he did "everything right" and you are to blame? How does that change your present situation? It doesn't. How do their opinions, even though they are misguided, affect you? The only harm that can be created in all of this is through your reaction to their thoughts, feelings and reactions towards you. They are their's just as your reaction to their to their opinions are your's. Your emotional reaction is what is giving you the unpleasant feelings that your are experiencing such as anger, frustration, betrayal, etc. You cannot control what they say, think, and feel nor how they act or react. I would just let it go in order to reduce my unpleasant feelings. On a personal note, I have been through all of this. The re-writing of "history" got to the point that it was, and still is, so outlandish, it was psyhchotic. People who cope just to appease their egos, regardless of the truth, can do and say almost anything. It does not even have to be rational for them to believe it. The truth becomes what they need it to be. Link to comment
jasper01 Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 All problems in relationship take two people, And it is normal for both not to see their part in it. You have control over becoming aware of and changing your own part. So get on with it. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 He is an ex, which implies it is over. I doubt you will EVER get the closure out of him that you want by him admitting it was all his fault, or even mostly his fault. Most people RARELY will admit that. YOu need to move forward and not worry what he has told family and friends. IF they are also your friends share your version of the truth and at the end of the day not care what they think. You know the truth. You need to find your own closure. Don't look to him to set anything straight as he likely never will. People can be incredible jerks and then try to turn the entire relationship's issues on the other person. At the end of the day just realize you both were not right for each other, and perhaps both made mistakes, but don't waste a lot of energy getting him to admit much wrong doing since he has made it clear he doesn't see it that way. Link to comment
coolgirl Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thank You all for the advice. I really appreciate it. Link to comment
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