xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Wow I havn't posted on here for nearly five months but i remembered that I got some great advice. Im not sure if im allowed to link to my previous thread but ill recap here. Five months ago i split with my partner, it was my fault, it involved to much alcohol and the fact i have a tendency to say the most stupid things ever. We eventually began to work back towards fixing things but every time we had a disagreement her first reaction was to elevate it into a relationship ending event. Last week it culminated into what i thought was a regular run of the mill argument but once again it turned into another excuse for her to back off. This time she assures me its over and instead of vast amounts of pain i just feel sad that she's gone. Our relationship wasnt perfect but the good times far outweighed the bad. We enjoyed each others company and had quite a bit in common, we very rarely argued but when we did she would do the "Its over" thing and it began to become very frustrating. I know all relationships differ but I always thought that love was something you constantly worked on, always kinda hoping you get it right in the end but not really caring if you did because it was worth it anyway. Its possible we can get past this but im kinda tired of trying. I love her more than she probably knows but today i found myself thinking "this is it.. its over" and then just carrying on with what i was doing. I don't know if this is something I should be patient with or if the fact it doesnt hurt should be a sign to let go and move on. I still drift off every now and then and feel a twinge of regret that she's not with me but it passes. When we speak on the phone I find myself trying less and les to impress upon her the importance of our relationship and just start to feel uncomfortable talking to her. Whilst technically she ended this i have the strongest urge to tell her that i think we should both do our best to get on with our own lives but im not sure how ill feel when i actually say the words. Is this a sign of the end or is giving up the easy way out? Should i not even be thinking these things just yet or is a short sharp end the best way? I know i still love her but is that enough to keep going round in circles? Sometimes im a little worried im only handling it well becuase deep down i still believe it will work out and that once its over ill have to go through the pain again (as will she ) but i also think that maybe its time to put to rest something that quite possibly died 5 months ago. Thanks for reading. Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 My ex broke up with me last night... and our relationship sounds a lot like how urs was.. except we didn't break up after every argument.. it was more like every 6 or 8 mths we'd have a break or breakup lol. A 3-yr relationship. I also feel sad but I'm not bawling my eyes out like i have done in the past. I also feel a sense of relief. But the twinge of regret, even though the voice in my head tells me it was the right thing... I miss what we had. We had basically a good relationship. everyone called us the 'golden couple'. hah. Well... I think u are confused abt your feelings, like why you don't feel like ripping your hair out and crying uncontrollably.. but i think you should go ahead and tell her that you should move on.. and then go straight into NC. Continuing contact isn't going to help you if you're so unsure of everything. If your split was amicable, or at least not nasty, you can get in touch with her a few months down the road if u feel like it. It would have given u guys time to sort ur heads out and think about stuff. Link to comment
darlingnikki25 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Wow, this is the same thing that ended my relationship on Sunday, though I was the drunk one that said a few things I shouldn't, he ended it once, we got back together 4 days later, and then a small related argument, elevated it into a relationship ending event...So I know how that feels. I have no idea what to even suggest. I'm so fresh out of mine, that the only thing I can do is sit back and give him space, NC. Maybe that will work for you. Maybe she is just an person who can not be reasoned with, and those people exist and have issues of their own....and will eventually end up alone because they refused to work through love and always ran away. You don't seem to terribly broken up, but I know it comes in waves...but it may just be time to end it, go your own way and see what happens in the future with no contact. I feel you on wanting to tell her that you want to end it also, even though she ended it first. Id suggest you just tell her that you are starting to accept it, and you wish her the best. Either that will light a fire under her butt or it will really end. She needs time to really see what life would be without you...no contact. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Great advice!! And at the time you only have 5 post. truly a scholar. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 And my next question "Why cant it just be simple?" might be waiting a while for that one i guess. Thanks for the advice everyone and can you guess who's doing fine but for some reason is up at 4am *sigh* NC is the way to go, your right. Its tricky as we have a son (yeah that makes it all the more GAH) but since i kinda went through this already with her I already know how to keep in contact without keeping in contact... if that makes any sense? Your spot on Nayamaus, I do feel slightly confused and a tad guilty in fact for not feeling more like crap than I do but im putting that down to being able run through the last break up and keep those pesky emotions in better check. I do feel sad and there is an emptiness hanging round and looking embarrassed but i can see the self destructive ones more clearly this time around and they dont have a chance. darlingnikki25, i think its the whole closure thing and im not to proud to admit that yeah, theres a little bit of "You think you ended it? no no no IM ending it" but your way sounds a lot better and slightly less manic so thank you Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 And my next question "Why cant it just be simple?" might be waiting a while for that one i guess. Thanks for the advice everyone and can you guess who's doing fine but for some reason is up at 4am *sigh* The answer to that is quite easy. Break-ups are not simple because love and emotion are not simple. Building up a bond of love, devotion and friendship and then breaking it apart is not meant to be simple. It is hard, and emotionally taxing. There will always be remnants of feelings and emotion that will take time and effort to heal. However, if you keep with NC, the day when you will have truly moved on will come. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 hehe thx huskiesfan but i was wondering why the actual relationship part can't be simple? Shouldn't it be "I love you and you love me and theres nothing we cant work through".. and then happily ever after Link to comment
thejigsup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Why on earth should someone try to work it out with someone who drinks to much and then talks badly? My father and ex husband did that and you can keep it. Nothing kills the love of a woman faster than that. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I have to agree with you on that thejigsup. It was a tragic incident that taught me a valuable lesson in humility and self control. I could tell you that i don't drink anymore but it would just be words on a screen. My ex believed id changed enough to give me a second chance and even though it has ended like this I think it was worth it for the days we enjoyed and for the people we became after. Their were obviously other issues that we didn't take into consideration though and coupled with such an immense emotional break-up such a short time ago the strain of keeping things together was obviously too much. Reading other threads here made me realise that moving on can be a positive thing not just for myself but for my ex and the children. Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Great advice!! And at the time you only have 5 post. truly a scholar. Er, thanks. I've been reading eNotAlone since early 2008 but only now felt the need to post... I signed up mid-2008 but never posted... I really like this forum because there is so much great advice, especially I don't know if u guys read SuperDave's posts about NC a while back. It helped me a lot in the past and it's helping me get thru it now too.. which is why i think NC is the best when ur unsure. However, if a child is involved then... it's tricky. I've never been in that situation, so I don't know how to advise you, xxricexx. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 hehe thx huskiesfan but i was wondering why the actual relationship part can't be simple? Shouldn't it be "I love you and you love me and theres nothing we cant work through".. and then happily ever after Hahaha, its because of the same thing. Love and emotion are not simple. There will always be bumps in the road and little issues arising because we are human---we are not perfect and sometimes our flaws can get in the way. However, the couples that live "happily ever after" are able to work through these bumps (assuming they are not major) and use them as stepping stones to building a better relationship. Now, maybe alcohol was too much of a problem for you and her as a couple to overcome. Sometimes, love cannot conquer all. However, you as an individual know your flaws, so that you can prevent them from causing problems in a future relationship. Breakups are painful, and almost always take time to get over, but you almost always gain some valuable insight into how to make your next relationship work. Link to comment
Darkness7 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I am going through something similar right now as well. I am devastated about the break-up and really feel like I can't cope. I keep wondering what happened to "there's nothing our love can't withstand." Does someone just turn those feelings off overnight? We had a few bad times during our relationship, but like other people here, the good times definitely outweighed the bad. We were always able to make up again. I don't know what went wrong and I am getting mixed signals from her now. I don't know what to do, this is so hard. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I am going through something similar right now as well. I am devastated about the break-up and really feel like I can't cope. I keep wondering what happened to "there's nothing our love can't withstand." Does someone just turn those feelings off overnight? We had a few bad times during our relationship, but like other people here, the good times definitely outweighed the bad. We were always able to make up again. I don't know what went wrong and I am getting mixed signals from her now. I don't know what to do, this is so hard. What exactly happened to cause her to leave, and what kind of mixed signals is she giving off? Love cannot just be turned off like that, usually in breakups, the person who initiates it has been losing interest for a while, so by the time they initiate the breakup, they don't feel anything anymore, because they've already done their grieving and moving on, unless there is some feelings left over, which leads to mixed signals. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Darkness7, I got the exact same thing the first time we broke up. She wasnt sure what she wanted. My case was rather extreme but ive realized that like huskiesfan says, there are usually deeper issues at play and those emotions and bumps seem to build up until a person just feels they can't deal with it. It really is a shame because I generally feel that most of it comes down to lack of communication and when its the other person that puts up the barriers there really is nothing you can do until they reemerge. An even bigger shame is that on the odd occasion they are not exactly sure what they really want after it all dies down. You just have to look after yourself during this period. I guess its ok to hope later on everything will be cool and maybe things will turn out for the best but while your doing this just do what you've ben doing since you were born.. living It saddens me more than my break-up to think theres no instant cure for any of this. I spent a good while just mulling over what the magic words to get her back were but I never found them Nayamaus the child thing could have been a problem but thankfully even after the first break up we came to a suitable visiting arrangement that we had no trouble sticking to, even in the frosty cold "Please dont talk to me" period. We are both masters of the one line "Ill be there at 8:45" txt so there are no real worries there when it comes to NC. Again huskiesfan i think your absolutely spot on, I think getting back together after the first break was a mistake that neither of us saw coming. I just wanted her back and she thought there was possibly something there still and neither of us really sat down and talked about whether it was a good idea or not. (i have been up all night thinking about this *sigh*) As time went on i think she felt more and more like she'd made a mistake and when the opportunity came to get out she took it and i honestly lay no blame at her feet. Once it was over I kind of realized the same thing which sucks but i think if we can get through this without feeling the need to turn to each other when we get a bit lonely then we will both grow a lot more as people than if we just went along for the ride. My old mum says if its meant to be its meant to be.. and she's a bit of a loon most of the time. Link to comment
nem69 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Yeah, I can see now that she was struggling with something. Most likely commitment after her previous marriage. She did the usual thing of not voicing her feelings. Even when she said it was over she still sent very mixed signals. I am hoping NC will allow her time to reconsider though until she stops dating this other guy I doubt it. There is also the point she has this stubborn streak and may not admit even to herself she made a mistake. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I hope it works out nem69. I officially went NC this morning and doin it brought a lot of stuff to the surface I sent her an email pretty much laying it all out. That I thought NC might be a good thing for both of us, that she was wonderful, that I hoped her future ws bright and that it was time to let go and move on.. then i fell asleep a the kitchen table haha. dribbled on my laptop. I woke up in a bit of a panic and i swear i almost rang her to say "ignore that last email i was so tired I didnt know what I was saying.. I LOVE YOU" but it passed pretty quick. Then I went into the state of feeling good cause now I was NC there was a good chance she'd be txting me and telling me she made a mistake and wanted to talk... that passed as well and the sadness just came back along with all the reasons id hammered into myself as to why I was actually doing this rather than sending her love poems and promises of a better future.. because it was over and it IS time to move on. In the back of my mind theres a voice screaming a million things i haven't done to try to get her back and another one whispering that by the end of the week we'll be back together again but im probably just going a bit mad from lack of sleep. Sorry about the rant Link to comment
nem69 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Know about the lack of sleep....Nytol is my friend. I'd look at NC as it's doing you some good anyway and it may bring you in to better focus for her. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I know how things are and I know exactly what this means but since im kinda using this as therapy and the feedback i get helps me to stay focused i thought id stick it on. As part of NC I did the whole facebook updates msn deletes and email blocks. After I deleted and blocked her from facebook i changed my status to 'In a Relationship' to stop the deluge of "What happened?" questions. About half hour ago she sent a txt and asked if 'i was actually in a relationship but i didnt have to answer if i didnt want to.' I didn't answer cause NC is NC and any answer i gave her would be counter productive. Just thought I'd throw that in.. Ive been on this site all day, hopefully 2moro i can cut it down to 8 hours. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Sounds like you're starting to take No Contact seriously. Keep up the good work. Link to comment
nem69 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 About half hour ago she sent a txt and asked if 'i was actually in a relationship but i didnt have to answer if i didnt want to.' I didn't answer cause NC is NC and any answer i gave her would be counter productive. Well it will definetly make her think. Good on you for staying strong. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Know about the lack of sleep....Nytol is my friend. I'd look at NC as it's doing you some good anyway and it may bring you in to better focus for her. Thanks for the advice, i just picked some up and hopefully with some warm mil in the mix tonight should be a lot easier. Wish i could just turn off the brain for a few days.. or at least that parts that relate to her Link to comment
nem69 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Believe me it eventually runs out of drivel to confront you with or you will get so annoyed with it you will stop listening. Mine just catches me out once in awhile. Link to comment
xxricexx Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I know exactly what you mean. I was over at the shops with my daughter and we were picking something for tea and then for no reason at all (there was nothing even remotely sentimental about the shop) I just felt like 'What the hell is going on' I think that its the going round in circles thats the real pain in the ass. Your aware of it, aware that when you start thinking about it theres nothing you can do and then you feel bad and try to think of something you can do and realise all over again theres nothing you can do. I wanna swear haha, you know just really let rip into... i dunno the fridge or something, just for the sake of a release. definitely time to start warming up that milk now i think lol Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I feel the same, I forgot to change my ring tone and it was 'our song'. It cracked me up after 2 and a half weeks! Little things are the chinks in our armour. But if you can stay strong, you can get through this. Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I know exactly what you mean. I was over at the shops with my daughter and we were picking something for tea and then for no reason at all (there was nothing even remotely sentimental about the shop) I just felt like 'What the hell is going on' Oh my god... i've had those moments too! and it's just annoying Link to comment
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