She left all her stuff...

[IMAbadman]

So typical break-up. Girl gives the guy the old, “I can’t do this anymore…” speech. This is after a 3+ year relationship. Amicable break-up, no harsh words just the typical communication problems, she claims he doesn’t listen to her and he claims she doesn’t communicate her problems. He said he agreed, his needs aren’t being met either. He suggest ways to remedy the issues, she wouldn’t hear it. Wow… does this sound familiar. I heard this same thin 12 months ago.

 

Anyway she goes on to say there’s some things she wants to return to him, gifts he had given her that she doesn’t like. Says she’ll return them tomorrow, he says nothing he dumbfounded she would even suggest this. She gets up, goes to hug and/or kiss him, he says, “don’t” rejecting her and she leaves. Tomorrow comes, she doesn’t return the gifts to him. He doesn’t care as he thought that was a tacky thing she would do this after so long. A week later he comes home to find a box on his porch with these items. She doesn’t bother to bring them inside, she had keys. She doesn’t pick up any of her personal belongings.

 

True story.

 

This has happened to a personal friend. I don’t know what to say, YEAH not like me, I’m to close to them both. I’m perplexed by the whole thing. I saw them marrying. As I mentioned I know them both, very well, there are no others in their lives.

 

So a few questions,

• Why would she return these gifts now, after what I understand has been 12+ months, that she decided she didn’t like; a cookbook that she didn’t find any recipes she liked, a Staub pot she wanted but decided it was too big, and other petty trinkets? She left tickets for a show that she bought him(them) for Christmas, they both looked forward too (I went in her place). Oh and his keys were left too.

 

• Why do you think she would just leave these things on his porch and not bring them in the house, he was at work? Shame? Embarrassed? Making a point?

 

• Why would she not pick up her personal belongings why she was there? Heck… I asked why she didn’t take them when she initiated the break-up. As I understand she left earrings, cloths, shoes, leather jackets, and all her make-up, blah… blah… Sounded like a hell of a list of goods.

 

So it’s been over a month, five weeks if I remember correctly, and he hasn’t talked to her and she hasn’t talked to him. He took my “No Contact” advice. She hasn’t talked to me either but I do occasionally see her when she’s leaving work.

 

What’s the advice ETN? I’ll print this off and pass it off to my broken hearted buddy.

[Binoo]

Maybe she feels uncomfortable going inside the house? I sure would after a month of no contact. I would feel like I was intruding.

[WomanWriter]

Why would she return these gifts now, after what I understand has been 12+ months, that she decided she didn’t like;

 

Well, from my perspective, she might want to return the gifts to make an impression and hurt your feelings. Maybe she DOES like the gifts but she knows that by giving them back, she will be making a dramatic statement like she doesn't care. Maybe she thinks that will affect you more?

 

• Why do you think she would just leave these things on his porch and not bring them in the house, he was at work? Shame? Embarrassed? Making a point?

 

Yes, I think you're probably right that she wants to make a point. Why do you think she wants to make a point so badly?

 

 

• Why would she not pick up her personal belongings why she was there?

 

I don't know but it sounds like she is being dramatic. She wants to go out of her way to make it look like she doesn't care about you for some reason. If not, that's what it seems like. Is she normally like that?

[IMAbadman]

Maybe she feels uncomfortable going inside the house? I sure would after a month of no contact. I would feel like I was intruding.

 

She showed up days later... not a month later.

[Binoo]

She showed up days later... not a month later.

 

Oh, I see. Sorry, I misread that.

Even so, break ups are generally very akward though she shouldn`t have left everything outside like that.

People usually act strangely though when they go through these kinds of things. Maybe she was trying to prove a point. Maybe she`s really angry with him? Whatever the case, she`s probably not thinking rationally at this point.

[IMAbadman]

Thank you for your input.

[HeartGoesOn]

He may never find the answer to that, and the real question should be, "Does it really matter?"

 

I think it's a waste of time putting all that energy into trying to find answers to the way she left, as all that matters is the fact that she made the decision to leave.

 

Take care...

[IMAbadman]

Oh, I see. Sorry, I misread that.

Even so, break ups are generally very akward though she shouldn`t have left everything outside like that.

People usually act strangely though when they go through these kinds of things. Maybe she was trying to prove a point. Maybe she`s really angry with him? Whatever the case, she`s probably not thinking rationally at this point.

 

Very strange situation. You see why I don't know what to tell him. I'm not so certain he played it right either.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[ratfreak]

I think it depends on what happened between your two friends.

They might have had an argument about something small and stupid that just made her not want to go into the house or come back for her items.

 

When I ended it my my bf 5 years ago, I was so hurt, tired and exhausted that when I brought his crap back [he was home and insisited I kept the things] I just left them at the door and walked away.

 

I also walked away from my books, cds clothes etc that were at his house because I just wanted to get away [he cheated more than once, put me down and was physically and emotinally abusive].

 

I wanted my sanity more than some stupid posessions which are easily replacable.

 

 

I'm not saying that's what happened here but maybe she just ran out of steam... you never know what happens between people...

[IMAbadman]

Very good insight. You know I nor he ever thought of that. She may be PO'd about something and just had enough... ran out of steam as you said. I wonder if there is something he might not be telling me.

[IMAbadman]

So I had a chat with my buddy. He swears there were no other arguments. He said she started becoming distant and the break-up was totally out of the blue. Doesn't know what the, "I can't do it anymore..." was really all about. He agreed that a break-up was warranted because he felt his needs weren't being met either, wanted a closer relationship and felt she wasn't commited. Says she confessed she loved him just prior to trying to hug/kiss him which he rejected this sign of affection.

 

I'm starting to think she left her things so she can come back in a few months to see where he's at and maybe get back together. Anyone... thoughts?

 

Wish I had good news for him. But as we all know break-ups are generally not a happy moment in our lives and seldom get "fixed".

[thejigsup]

I was so disgusted with my ex husband that I left with just the clothes on my back, our son, a baby stroller, and my son's clothes. That's all. I left a house full of furniture (the cheap son of a gun bought nothing but drugs!) and all of my clothes. I never wanted to even take the chance of ever seeing him again. I had him arrested months later for non payment of child support. I haven't heard from him in over ten years. Good riddance. Sometimes when a woman is through, she's through.

[IMAbadman]

Wow I thought the ladies on this board would be all over this. Hmmm...

 

I'm kind of thinking she left her things to feel him out in a few months. From what I gather she left a lot of tangible goods not just CD's and books. There relationship was certainly not rocky, i.e. fighting, arguments, and certainly nothing physical.

[Tired Tiger]

Something to keep in mind is that there is always two sides to a story. Be it a friend, or right here on this forum, what we hear - and have to work with - is one emotionally charged and biased side of the story (myself included). How fascinating would it be to read the 'opposition' perspective to any of these stories? Without that, it's really something of a guessing game as to motivations.

 

That having been said, and without any indication there's someone else in the picture, it *could* be that her actions are based on 'avoidance', rather than some premeditated scheme to leave an open door down the road. She may simply be hurt and confused enough to retreat and distance herself from that, at the (possibly temporary) expense of her belongings. As for the gifts? I don't know. My experience has always been that a gift is a gift. If after that length of time she didn't want these thing around - as in, didn't want the reminders - then there's a thousand ways to get rid of things. Returning them in that way does seem as if there's some sort of message she's trying to send, though I can't say I would know what that is.

 

While I'm not always on board with "NC" for every break-up situation, I will say that this is really his best (and only) course of action. As a side thought, in the interest of his own 'moving on', it would seem to me a good idea for him to pack up all her personal belongings that remain and either put them in storage or arrange for a 3rd party to return them to her. He doesn't need those reminders in his possession.

[IMAbadman]

Funny you say have a third party return them. My GF and I were asked, we both opted to stay neutral.

[Tired Tiger]

Well then, better yet - and I normally loathe "games", but... - he could find out a time when he knows she won't be home and leave everything on her doorstep...

[IMAbadman]

I sent him an email this earlier this morning. Said box her things up. Put them somewhere out of way, i.e. basement, whatever. Leave her to her way. If she wants them she'll come and get them.

 

Feel for the guy. I've been there. Nothing you can do. Move on and hope for the best. Her loss. If you knew them both like we do you would be as shocked as we are.