When we are used for somebody's needs...

[UCLAMike]

We all go through difficult transitions in our lives and in the midst of that we meet people who seem to fit perfectly at the time. Some people, however, seem to feel no need for their partner anymore once they have served their needs. So they become sick of them and discard them like a plague.

 

Do you ever feel like this? Used and unappreciated? Wronged? Just a thought. Just a rant on a Tuesday afternoon~

 

(BTW I QUIT SMOKING~!!)

[Casey13]

Yes these are the kind of people you try to avoid

[CoCo2009]

I feel like that, it hurts really bad.

[osterfanish]

I know that is exactly how I feel... used and left behind - like my ex moved onto better things without me. That she wasn't able to put in the necessary effort to make our own relationship work. When my ex and I first met, and throughout our relationship, she was going through a difficult time in her career field and I fit perfectly for her in terms of unconditional support and love. In some ways, she did for me as well. We supported each other, as loving couples do. But I was overly invested in her, emotionally - all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak. And it was her that decided to end things, leaving me feeling used, unappreciated, wronged, and slighted. The hardest part has been my attempts to make her feel that - my pain and being wronged. Can't do it. IMO, people like that are too selfish, self-centered, and wrapped up in their own issues to realize the wrong they have done to others.

[UCLAMike]

yes I am beginning to realize just how good I had been to her. I tried to support her, make her feel loved and beautiful. I always made sure she felt beautiful. Telling how if she knew she was pretty. I helped her move back in with her parents, because that's where I believed was good for her. I didn't want her to move out because of conflict with her parents. I was not being selfish even though this meant less time, less sex, less date. I wanted her to go back home so we can have a really blessed relationship under the approval of our parents. I did this because I loved her and wanted to keep her for the long run.

 

I was there for her. I cared and loved her a lot. Yet, when my own life was becoming rocky and I reached out to her, what did she say? "We aren't meant to be. You used me! I regret giving my virginity to you. I don't even want to be reminded of you."

 

All these hurtful remarks caused me so much pain. Sure I said stuff back to her but it was out of spite and I'd apologize right after. She hasn't. She still says it to this very day.

 

Question I must ask is, did she honestly love me? Does it matter? How will I react and how will I overcome this?

 

Do I really deserve better than this? the answer is HELL YES I DO.

[UCLAMike]

They did that because that is who they are in this moment. We must accept this. Some people do change, but very rarely. Unless something similar happens to them AND they learn the lesson, they cannot empathize with you because they do not see it nor understand. It isn't up to us either. It's really up to them. Very often, it's too late once they realize it. I don't expect my ex to see what I see. I have spent the past 8 months trying to see what she sees. and I saw. and I apologized. Some people will never see.

[osterfanish]

They did that because that is who they are in this moment. We must accept this. Some people do change, but very rarely. Unless something similar happens to them AND they learn the lesson, they cannot empathize with you because they do not see it nor understand. It isn't up to us either. It's really up to them. Very often, it's too late once they realize it. I don't expect my ex to see what I see. I have spent the past 8 months trying to see what she sees. and I saw. and I apologized. Some people will never see.

 

 

Yep. I agree 100% - unless it happens to them AND they learn the lesson. My ex had been burned and cheated on in a very serious relationship before I came along. It was her first love. I was the second person she truly loved in a romantic sense, even though she had seen people seriously after her first love and before me for several years. This is what makes her leaving me so much more difficult to accept. She basically flipped a switch and emotionally detached out of fear of where our relationship might head. It was the easy way out...

 

You're right, it's not up to us, ultimately. Congrats on quitting smoking, by the way!

[MollyElise]

" People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, is real. But only for a season.!

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

[jennamajig]

Molly, what is that from? I'm a little emotional today, but frankly that made me tear up. So true and it puts a lot of life in perspective. Thank you for posting it.

[UCLAMike]

the only one that makes sense is the first one. God doesn't just make people like us and then fall for us. he doesn't. He doesn't "send" a romantic lover your way for you to have and enjoy. Or does he? "aka EVE"

[JadedStar]

Well if you think about it, don't we all use a partner for our own needs? If we didn't, we likely wouldn't want or need a partner. I use my partner for affection and love, sometimes for support, other times for conversation, and a lot of other things. He does the same with me. It isn't a bad thing. So logic would say that once a person no longer feels affection for that person, they won't want them around anymore, thus every person who breaks up with someone is doing it because needs are no longer met. You say this as if only a few select people fall into this category, i say everyone in a relationship falls into the category of using partners for their needs....but we also knowingly allow ourselves to be used as well for their needs.

 

It is all a matter of semantics but at the end of the day, it is two people using each other to fulfill needs and when one breaks up, those needs are no longer being met.

[UCLAMike]

umm I am not sure which culture you come from but not everybody does this. My ex made me happy sure, but what about those times I didn't need her for anything? When she didn't feel attractive. When she was smothering me etc? I still stuck by her side because I wanted to get to know HER and simply wanted to be with her. It isn't just about meeting the needs dude. You can get that with anyone, yet some still choose to be with that person.

[JadedStar]

umm I am not sure which culture you come from but not everybody does this. My ex made me happy sure, but what about those times I didn't need her for anything? When she didn't feel attractive. When she was smothering me etc? I still stuck by her side because I wanted to get to know HER and simply wanted to be with her. It isn't just about meeting the needs dude. You can get that with anyone, yet some still choose to be with that person.

 

I am not saying you ALWAYS needed her, but it goes w/out saying that you did get needs met from her as in companionship, love...sex.

 

If you think no need was being met by that person in your life then I really ask what is it you two did together? Didn't you have sex? Didn't you love her touch? These are needs. Touch and love are human needs. I am not sure why you have an issue with calling it such. Even tiny infants need touch because touch is an integral part of being a human; you can even call it a need for us. Some just need it more than others. This doesn't mean we cannot function without a partner, but for many people it is instinctual to want someone to share their life's experiences with, hence a need is being met. Even people who are happy being single typically have some needs met for human interaction with their friends, family, etc.

 

Every friend and lover in our lives meet SOME need, but that doesn't mean we walk around NEEDING them every minute of the day.

 

Having human needs and wants for love, touch and companionship isn't a bad thing. It separates us from other animals.

[phoenixgirl]

Molly, what is that from? I'm a little emotional today, but frankly that made me tear up. So true and it puts a lot of life in perspective. Thank you for posting it.

 

Yeah it made me tear up too.

[osterfanish]

I agree with most of what you are saying, jadedstar, in terms of needs and needs being met. Yes, every relationship, whether romantic or not, is mostly about that. But in some cases, as in my own, I feel like those needs were taken advantage of to a large degree. I mean, let's face it, I and many others here were let go. WE are the ones hurting the most, seeking solace, and feeling like dirt. In some very tangible way, I literally feel like I've been assaulted... and I don't buy the argument that I let myself be assaulted or taken advantage of. How? By loving someone unconditionally? That's not fair or right.

 

On top of that, my ex started to immediately see someone else, and had the new person waiting in the wings. The needs of my ex may not have been met any longer in someway, as you say, but that doesn't mean I have to like it - nor do I have to have some sense of immediate forgiveness or wish her to be happy right now. Long term, maybe I can own up to my own mistakes or needs being met at the time of the relationship, or even forgive her and myself, but right now the pain is all too real and immediate.

[WomanWriter]

Yes, I feel you there...

 

I don't feel like I was purposely used but, in hindsight, it does kind of feel like he used me as his "comfort zone" while he was in college... only to decide it was over once it was time to start his life (which I had been waiting for so we could get married).

 

I feel like I was convenient for him. I was a good excuse he could use for being lazy.

 

At the same time, he probably feels the same way about me. I was depressed after I lost my job. I often expected him to comfort me when he was busy and depressed himself. He felt pressured by my needs on top of his.

 

The difference is I didn't end things; he did. That's why I feel used...and betrayed. Our own lives were stressful and things weren't going great there but our relationship was actually pretty good in most respects. I feel like we could have worked it out if he really wanted to but it was easier just to give up, like he does for everything else that takes effort.

[JadedStar]

Osterfanish, No you don't have to like it, but the forgiveness part and how long it takes only affects you, not your ex. Unfortuantely when we don't forgive a person it grates and wears on US far more then it does that other person, particularly when it is an ex who left us in the first place. They likely are not as concerned if they are forgiven, and the lack of forgiving hurts the bearer, not the recipient of it.

 

The healthiest thing to do in relationships like you speak of where someone left you and just moved right on is to try to examine it and find out what you can do differnetly the next time around and learn from the experience as much as you can. Of course hurt and pain are a gimmie, they are often essential feelings for us to experience in order for us to grow. But they will heal over and hopefully you will be able to find something positive to draw from in the experience. We do choose how to react to situations.

 

The end result of emerging out of a break up and finally being able to forgive, move on and learn from it is becoming a much healthier and desirable partner for someone else who deserves you in the future.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Telling yourself they used you when it just didn't work out is kind of a red herring... Relationships can be very genuine and real, and the love real, but there are no guarantees and over time people can grow apart, recognize they have different goals, let resentments drive them apart etc., until it eventually falls apart and the relationship breaks up.

 

So it doesn't necessarily mean they used you at all or that they never loved you, it just means that not all relationships work out or are permanent, and breakups aren't necessarily because of someone's bad behavior alone, but due to incompatabilities etc.

 

So focusing on anger and feeling used really doesn't help you process the loss... it is a stage that you go thru, but the more you stoke your anger and try to demonize the person just because they broke up with you, the longer and harder it is to heal. Forgiveness and acceptance is the way to heal. You have to really let go, including letting go of the anger and disappointment, and move into forgiveness and acceptance which is where the peace is.

 

And again, by forgiveness I mean you must forgive them for breaking up with you, and not that you seek their forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that occurs internally, and their forgiveness of you is not necessary for you to heal, but your own forgiveness of the other person by recognizing they have a right to break up with if they so choose, is essential to your own healing.

 

It does take a while to move thru the stages, but it's really a waste of time to go thru the 'she must have never loved me' routine which is based on the false assumption that if you ever loved someone it means you MUST stay together forever. You can love lots of different people in different ways, but you don't end up married to all of them, or with all of them permanently. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and you have to just recognize that is what happens to most people at least once, and frequently many times before you meet the person you end up with permanently. So if the other person breaks up with you and wants nothing to do with you, you need to let go and move towards finding the person who will be permanent for you rather than hanging onto the person who left via rage and refusing to let the idea that it was OK to break up into your head. It really is OK if someone changes their mind or doesn't want to stay with you, not matter how painful that is, that is their choice, not yours alone.

[grymoire]

Excellent post!

 

Mike you really need to let go of her man.... rehashing all the past stuff aint't helping you. Its only going to fuel your rage.

 

Not trying to be rude but I remember you mention that whenever you guys met you first took care of your sexual needs. Correct? She has given you a lot and she did take care of your needs. She can very well say that you tried to user her to get the GC. Would it be fair for you?

 

Its done Mike, let go and move on to someone else.

[sandrawg]

This is a really insightful post. I've been on this forum for a while now, and I have some thoughts about the way people seem to look at things when someone breaks up with them.

 

I understand that people come here because they're in pain...they may even be angry and frustrated with the way their relationships turned out. We all have needed to vent, and I think this board is an amazing resource for that.

 

I think the danger occurs when people lapse too deeply into "victim mode", and by that I mean, labeling their ex as a bad person simply because the ex decided to end the relationship, for whatever reason. Of course, there could be cheating and lying involved, which makes a "she/he did me wrong" stance more justified.

 

It just seems that maybe, after whatever hurt has started to subside and the anger/hostility dies down, it might behoove we who were dumped to take a more objective look at the way things ended with our exes. I don't think it serves anyone to continue to label the ex a horrible person or swim in negative thoughts about how you were used, or how one-sided the relationship was, etc. Let's face it--if your ex was using you, you still chose to be in the relationship with them, until THEY decided to break up with you.

 

I think it's been helpful to me to examine MY issues in my rel'ship with my ex. What did I do wrong, or what did I do that was destructive to us as a couple? If I mistakenly put all the blame on him, how will I ever grow? How will I ever find a worthy partner, if I can't look at my own culpability?

 

Just a thought.

[WomanWriter]

I agree. We can only give our own perspective from OUR OWN point of view, our OWN experience. It does frustrate me to read other's posts who tell people what they "should" do or tell them how they feel or should feel.

 

I think we are allowed to be as irrational as we want in this forum. We have to be rational the rest of the time with our friends, families, EXes...

 

So why not be able to vent here and say what we feel without someone jumping to correct us and tell us what we should or should not feel?

 

Also the cliches like "time heals all," etc. is not very helpful, to be honest. Personally, what helps me the most is reading other people's experiences, their feelings, etc. so I can see what THEY feel and do.

 

While I think it is very helpful to give feedback and perspectives, I think "advice" is often not helpful because it suggests that you know what's best for others' situations when you're not in their shoes.

 

I try to give "advice" based on my own experiences, not what I think people SHOULD do or shouldn't do, although sometimes I do lecture.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get that out. I don't want to have to stifle what I say because the feeling police will scold me, so I understand...

[90_hour_sleep]

that's advice in itself . you can never know exactly what someone else is thinking or feeling. how can you possibly advize them on the BEST course of action. personal experience speaks volumes. i agree that it's much more beneficial to hear of real experience and how someone went about dealing with that experience. i dont' speak for anyone else here...but for me...i don't want anyone to tell me what to do. i want to draw upon the resource. in time...with guidance and support...i hope to be confident in my own ability to decide what's best for me.

[MollyElise]

I'm not sure who to attribute the quote to. I saw it once years ago, maybe in a Dear Abby column, it struck me then and occassionally I have seen it on kitsche type things or in forwarded emails. I googled it to find the exact words and hopefully the author, but could not find it attributed to anyone.

 

As I live longer, I'm becoming more comfortable with most people in my life coming then going, at the same time though, those that I have a very close relationship with (family, husband, bff) seem to become more and more significant.